The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Nix · 20 Nov 2015 at 14:16

dave1983 said:
That's what I felt like too, her wanting to be single before the weekend. She even asked me where the best place is to go clubbing, Why would you ask your ex this.

but why does she want to go out for a meal? it makes it even difficult when we have kids together. the question I ask myself is am I ready to move on yet, whilst the other women is lovely she has no job, and fallen in love with me over 2 weeks.

The other issue is that my ex said if she moves out there is a chance that things may work out. God damn hate these situations.

You're rebounding. That doesn't mean you are ready or moving on just yet.

It sounds like she is trying to make you jealous. There could be many reasons for this such as she's feeling guilty and manifesting that as anger towards you and therefore trying to hurt you. Alternatively, she wants to illicit a reaction from you so as she can feel that she's in control and wanted (having cake and eating it). There is the possibility that she's trying to use you for relationship duties without even being in the relationship (again, double standard). Indeed, she could just be badly trying to remain in contact with you as she misses you but won't admit it; you don't just turn your back on six years easily! Finally, there's the possibility that she's just an idiot and doesn't realise it's inappropriate or that there's anything wrong with it.

My advice to you is this: don't over think it. Stop talking to her. Don't respond or reply to her for a month and she if the dynamic changes. Don't be her security blanket.

Whilst there are of course many reasons why people exit relationships, and often the reasons we're given don't actually point towards the true cause, over thinking them will lead you only to insanity. I am a believer in the truism that if someone truly cared for you, they wouldn't be doing this to you. That's not to say that she doesn't, Dave. What that means it that something has become more important than that; it could be demons from her past, it could be boredom, or it could have been that the relationship became overwhelming.

The best course of action for you here is just to hold on to your dignity. Have some self respect, show her that you're not a doormat, nor do you have any obligations to her now she has chosen to exit the relationship. Of course, keep in basic contact regarding your children, but keep it short and to the point. Don't give her any attention and let her learn the hard way.

dave1983 · 21 Nov 2015 at 17:09

Nix said:
You're rebounding. That doesn't mean you are ready or moving on just yet.

It sounds like she is trying to make you jealous. There could be many reasons for this such as she's feeling guilty and manifesting that as anger towards you and therefore trying to hurt you. Alternatively, she wants to illicit a reaction from you so as she can feel that she's in control and wanted (having cake and eating it). There is the possibility that she's trying to use you for relationship duties without even being in the relationship (again, double standard). Indeed, she could just be badly trying to remain in contact with you as she misses you but won't admit it; you don't just turn your back on six years easily! Finally, there's the possibility that she's just an idiot and doesn't realise it's inappropriate or that there's anything wrong with it.

My advice to you is this: don't over think it. Stop talking to her. Don't respond or reply to her for a month and she if the dynamic changes. Don't be her security blanket.

Whilst there are of course many reasons why people exit relationships, and often the reasons we're given don't actually point towards the true cause, over thinking them will lead you only to insanity. I am a believer in the truism that if someone truly cared for you, they wouldn't be doing this to you. That's not to say that she doesn't, Dave. What that means it that something has become more important than that; it could be demons from her past, it could be boredom, or it could have been that the relationship became overwhelming.

The best course of action for you here is just to hold on to your dignity. Have some self respect, show her that you're not a doormat, nor do you have any obligations to her now she has chosen to exit the relationship. Of course, keep in basic contact regarding your children, but keep it short and to the point. Don't give her any attention and let her learn the hard way.

she texted me last night asking "if i am texting other girls" the same way i text her, if we are single why does it matter dont get it.

Monkeynut · 21 Nov 2015 at 18:20

dave1983 said:
she texted me last night asking "if i am texting other girls" the same way i text her, if we are single why does it matter dont get it.

When she writes that, ignore it.

Fuzz · 21 Nov 2015 at 18:43

It may not work out with the new girl but the old one is being selfish and trying to put the screws on you. As for the texts LOL

Plan B man... Move to plan B..

dave1983 · 24 Nov 2015 at 08:35

Well the girl I was seeing was turning out to be quite flakey.

we were supposed to meet at the weekend, but we rescheduled to the Friday, then she rescheduled again.

I told her to leave it for the moment, I tried to be Alpha about it and said im cool with it and that I might of had to cancel. What I don't get is she's been doing the chasing recently then In the last week she's changed so I cut most contact, and pulled back.

I think I am coming across too needy or too accommodating, I don't need girls to breathe and live and I certainly don't need their games. I need to enjoy my own company and do things on my own. The other problem with me is I sit by my phone waaay too much i.e. it goes off and I read it straight away and reply, that's such a big turn off for women.

413x · 24 Nov 2015 at 12:33

An update

Have a social life now, usually 3 to 4 things on a weekend. Rowing club Saturday morning, night out Saturday with meet up group, Sunday I have my gym classes and Sunday night maybe a pub quiz.
I also go gym 5 times a week so barely a day off.

I've moved from 12 1/2 stone post relationship weight loss to 14st (good 14st)
The above is superficial but has upped my confidence (it annoys me it takes such things to help. But hey ho)

Now comes the tricky part.. All these things are fine.. But I still feel very lost outside doing them.
In that if I even have one evening not busy.. I start to get down

In terms of dating etc.. I still talk to people off these dating sites (I rarely send any messages) but I don't think I even want a relationship. But if I don't.. I have no wants... And this is the ongoing big problem. I cannot find something I WANT.
Thus I have little motivation outside my activities. Before my goal was to get a house for me and my ex and our dog. I didn't care about anything else. No change on this front.

How do you change this? Or is it just my apathetic nature?

I'm not sure if having an online dating profile is a good idea. I'll get chatting and inevitably at some point get 'rejected'. It's strange. Even when I don't really like the girl.. The rejection still bites (only for a few hours). But the chatting part is a life distraction.
Is the above good or bad? I don't know

I also feel I'm changing. I think I care about others less. I've seen the nice guy finishes last thing etc etc and this confident/lack of care attitude seems to 'work'.

Hardest part for my head is thinking I don't want a relationship (I don't want the hassle and stress like I had before and the worry ) .. But at same time wanting one..(does anyone like being lonely etc)
It makes no sense.there Is no solution to both of those views!

So if I stop chasing online dating completely... But I also have no goals and desires.. What do I do with that 'time' I have spare?
Id love to use it to work towards something.. But the drive is missing.

413x · 24 Nov 2015 at 12:50

Vidar said:
What I'm going to write is very easy for me to say but very hard for you to take on board. Just know that I'm speaking from experience.

Dave, this is a classic case of you ex wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She's not in love with you anymore she's proved that by ending things so she can go out and pull. Someone who loves you, even if there are serious issues in a relationship, would never do that. Especially if there are kids involved!

She thought she could go out, get smashed by some random bloke and satisfy what ever urge she had. That failed and so she's keeping you on the slow burn purely because she doesn't want to be alone. She's selfish, you've already said as much yourself.

As for the other girl if you don't feel you could love her then be decent enough to let her go but don't be a prat about it. If you feel that despite a few minor inconnveniences that you could have something real then go for it. Either way don't go back to the ex.

It's very commendable you'd want to salvage things for your kids, but trust me as someone who tried to make things work with someone who had no real interest in fixing things, you'll only end up making both yourself and your kids miserable.

This is one thing I'm glad my ex never did. Once she was gone she was gone. It hurt lots. But I'd have never moved on if she didn't

krisboats · 24 Nov 2015 at 13:18

I'm now single al4x said:
An update

Have a social life now, usually 3 to 4 things on a weekend. Rowing club Saturday morning, night out Saturday with meet up group, Sunday I have my gym classes and Sunday night maybe a pub quiz.
I also go gym 5 times a week so barely a day off.

I've moved from 12 1/2 stone post relationship weight loss to 14st (good 14st)
The above is superficial but has upped my confidence (it annoys me it takes such things to help. But hey ho)

Now comes the tricky part.. All these things are fine.. But I still feel very lost outside doing them.
In that if I even have one evening not busy.. I start to get down

In terms of dating etc.. I still talk to people off these dating sites (I rarely send any messages) but I don't think I even want a relationship. But if I don't.. I have no wants... And this is the ongoing big problem. I cannot find something I WANT.
Thus I have little motivation outside my activities. Before my goal was to get a house for me and my ex and our dog. I didn't care about anything else. No change on this front.

How do you change this? Or is it just my apathetic nature?

I'm not sure if having an online dating profile is a good idea. I'll get chatting and inevitably at some point get 'rejected'. It's strange. Even when I don't really like the girl.. The rejection still bites (only for a few hours). But the chatting part is a life distraction.
Is the above good or bad? I don't know

I also feel I'm changing. I think I care about others less. I've seen the nice guy finishes last thing etc etc and this confident/lack of care attitude seems to 'work'.

Hardest part for my head is thinking I don't want a relationship (I don't want the hassle and stress like I had before and the worry ) .. But at same time wanting one..(does anyone like being lonely etc)
It makes no sense.there Is no solution to both of those views!

So if I stop chasing online dating completely... But I also have no goals and desires.. What do I do with that 'time' I have spare?
Id love to use it to work towards something.. But the drive is missing.

Have you got a car? If so is there a different one you've always wanted and if you dont already have one, go buy a potentially good one but with issues. Spend time fixing it up and learning how it works. You'll be giving yourself skills, you'll have a restoration project and you'll most likely find you get the upgrade bug while doing it. Cars are a challenge, theres lots to go wrong and they're relatively easy to repair if you go for a slightly older (less electronics) model. Just nuts and bolts and grease.

What i found is that to begin with after my break up i tried computer games and tv shows as a smokescreen and i still felt empty. I started working out and going to the gym and it felt great working out and feeling healthier but the gains plateau and it is hard to see short terms changes with it. A project has a much faster turnaround time and it sparks the creative side of you (which a lot of people find missing in their lives) so you feel like you've spent meaningful time doing something productive.... because you have. It doesnt have to be a car if your budget doesnt allow for it, it can be a bicycle or a model aircraft collection.... hell i've even found a fondness for cooking and making better dishes/deserts (i'm 6'5" and bake cakes, hardcore mother******). Something hands on that has the opportunity to feed the little addictive upgrade gremlin in each of us is what we need as men to lead a balanced life. My grandad used to build things out of wood, my dad likes photography and i've loved my bikes and now cars. I just spent 2 evenings out in the rain and cold until 4am last week repairing a head gasket failure and a year ago i couldnt even drive.

Its about finding yourself a passion to add fulfillment to your life. Once you've got the gym, the rowing club and the nights out with friends, having a project is the final icing on the cake to leading a full and happy life. You'll find that you're so engaged on a physical level (gym/rowing) mental level (project) and social level (friends) that you're time suddenly disappears and you're wishing for a quiet night to watch a film and chill.

It also has the benefit of making you more attractive to a future partner. Someone who has their **** together and is more than capable of being independant is more attractive because they're less likely to make their partner their main focus. You've experienced first hand how someone clingy/needy isnt interesting and the relationship will never work.

So think of some things you'd like to take onboard. Carpentry is good and fairly cheap, getting a bicycle working will make you want to go ride it (using up extra time), cars give you freedom and a warm fuzzy feeling when you drive it round after having the engine in a hundred pieces in the kitchen sink haha. My advice is something new, something engaging and something that is likely to mean you'll need to do a lot of googling and need a long shower after finishing. Its fun making a mess!! Haha

dave1983 · 24 Nov 2015 at 13:32

I'm now single al4x said:
This is one thing I'm glad my ex never did. Once she was gone she was gone. It hurt lots. But I'd have never moved on if she didn't

The one thing I am seeing now how much she **** tests me, for example she texted me by wassap so I replied, got no response.

Then she texts me normally, then I get another text saying "I only just got your wassap message" even though I see her read my previous message.

These little games she can play on herself, I'm not going to even respond.

Unfortunately my ex of 26 is very immature, she likes the thrill of mind games to have control. I am seeing more clearly now she'll ask what im up to but not carry any meaningful conversation (security blanket) I need to back way away from her.

Jic89 · 24 Nov 2015 at 13:54

Some women like to be in control even when you aren't together anymore. My ex of who I have a little boy with loves the heir of control this gives her. trying to sort out Christmas arrangements is very frustrating, she has a new fella so thought this would make it easier in the fact that she may want time for just him and her but it's almost as like he's a replacement for me(as in a dad)and she enjoys making it awkward.

.Lethal · 24 Nov 2015 at 15:12

malachi said:
She wanted to be single so she could go out and pull another person. Her plan fell through, so yes. Sounds like she is using you as the Plan B, don't be a mug and fall for it. Your marriage is over and it looks like you have sort of moved on already.

Indeed, if there was chance of reconciliation you (Dave) would know, instead you're left questioning so many things that shes doing. Signs are right in front of you.

Vidar said:
What I'm going to write is very easy for me to say but very hard for you to take on board. Just know that I'm speaking from experience.

Dave, this is a classic case of you ex wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She's not in love with you anymore she's proved that by ending things so she can go out and pull. Someone who loves you, even if there are serious issues in a relationship, would never do that. Especially if there are kids involved!

She thought she could go out, get smashed by some random bloke and satisfy what ever urge she had. That failed and so she's keeping you on the slow burn purely because she doesn't want to be alone. She's selfish, you've already said as much yourself.

As for the other girl if you don't feel you could love her then be decent enough to let her go but don't be a prat about it. If you feel that despite a few minor inconnveniences that you could have something real then go for it. Either way don't go back to the ex.

It's very commendable you'd want to salvage things for your kids, but trust me as someone who tried to make things work with someone who had no real interest in fixing things, you'll only end up making both yourself and your kids miserable.

Good advice Vidar, saves me having to reply

413x · 24 Nov 2015 at 15:34

krisboats said:
Have you got a car? If so is there a different one you've always wanted and if you dont already have one, go buy a potentially good one but with issues. Spend time fixing it up and learning how it works. You'll be giving yourself skills, you'll have a restoration project and you'll most likely find you get the upgrade bug while doing it. Cars are a challenge, theres lots to go wrong and they're relatively easy to repair if you go for a slightly older (less electronics) model. Just nuts and bolts and grease.

What i found is that to begin with after my break up i tried computer games and tv shows as a smokescreen and i still felt empty. I started working out and going to the gym and it felt great working out and feeling healthier but the gains plateau and it is hard to see short terms changes with it. A project has a much faster turnaround time and it sparks the creative side of you (which a lot of people find missing in their lives) so you feel like you've spent meaningful time doing something productive.... because you have. It doesnt have to be a car if your budget doesnt allow for it, it can be a bicycle or a model aircraft collection.... hell i've even found a fondness for cooking and making better dishes/deserts (i'm 6'5" and bake cakes, hardcore mother******). Something hands on that has the opportunity to feed the little addictive upgrade gremlin in each of us is what we need as men to lead a balanced life. My grandad used to build things out of wood, my dad likes photography and i've loved my bikes and now cars. I just spent 2 evenings out in the rain and cold until 4am last week repairing a head gasket failure and a year ago i couldnt even drive.

Its about finding yourself a passion to add fulfillment to your life. Once you've got the gym, the rowing club and the nights out with friends, having a project is the final icing on the cake to leading a full and happy life. You'll find that you're so engaged on a physical level (gym/rowing) mental level (project) and social level (friends) that you're time suddenly disappears and you're wishing for a quiet night to watch a film and chill.

It also has the benefit of making you more attractive to a future partner. Someone who has their **** together and is more than capable of being independant is more attractive because they're less likely to make their partner their main focus. You've experienced first hand how someone clingy/needy isnt interesting and the relationship will never work.

So think of some things you'd like to take onboard. Carpentry is good and fairly cheap, getting a bicycle working will make you want to go ride it (using up extra time), cars give you freedom and a warm fuzzy feeling when you drive it round after having the engine in a hundred pieces in the kitchen sink haha. My advice is something new, something engaging and something that is likely to mean you'll need to do a lot of googling and need a long shower after finishing. Its fun making a mess!! Haha

Indeed this is what I need to do.
Take women completely out of the equation.
But the trouble is I cannot seem to find the 'drive' to do it.
Why? I don't know? All I seem to want to do in my 'free' time is procrastinate.
Or pointless chit chat or having a quick look on online dating... These are all not productive things.. I know this.. And yet I still do them.

krisboats · 24 Nov 2015 at 17:38

I'm now single al4x said:
Indeed this is what I need to do.
Take women completely out of the equation.
But the trouble is I cannot seem to find the 'drive' to do it.
Why? I don't know? All I seem to want to do in my 'free' time is procrastinate.
Or pointless chit chat or having a quick look on online dating... These are all not productive things.. I know this.. And yet I still do them.

You're just going to have to force yourself. Life is about the experience and sitting on the internet half heartedly skimming through online dating sites isn't really much of one!!

Check this list out, some of the suggestions are a bit lame, some are great and the page is worth a look purely for the model railway video halfway down it!!!

http://freeintenyears.com/frugal-tips/100-cheap-hobbies/

Just get drunk, close your eyes and point at the screen. Promise yourself to go full effort on whichever one you pick and just do it. If you like it then great, if not then you'll always remember the time you got into knitting after getting **** faced and picking it out of chance more than looking at the 1,242nd face on plenty of fish haha. Plus it's a weird/funny story when the people you meet along the way ask how ever did you get into this new hobby!

Unfortunately nobody is going to make you do this part, you have to do it yourself. You owe it to yourself though, its about time you started living a bit and enjoying things again!!

DB_SamX · 24 Nov 2015 at 23:33

Having a very self conscious moment.

Met someone a few weeks ago and whilst we exchanged a few messages since, we only really got chatting to each other over the weekend i.e. we barely know each other. Met up for a drink yesterday. Today she tells me I come across unusually quiet (despite me really trying to get to know her yesterday) and just now, as "cold". Haven't bothered to reply yet; might sleep on it.

Ouch! Granted my ex called me cold-hearted earlier in the year and she couldn't believe I was actually just a quiet, introverted person.

Really thought I was doing improving at coming across more caring!

mattyprice4004 · 25 Nov 2015 at 00:04

Don't sweat it - I've been called emotionally autistic by a couple of exes - didn't stop me pulling incredibly hot women with just personality (I don't have good looks on my side).

Sometimes you're just not someone's cup of tea.

dave1983 · 25 Nov 2015 at 08:48

The one I thing is I've realized with ex's also it's all a game, the biggest turn on for any women is to act aloof and don't give them the attention because most of them just want that and nothing else to make you look needy and desperate.

for example my ex said that she was in the bath, I just replied with "ok cool" anyway im off now" next thing she's being all nicey nicey = .... test right there to see if your thinking with your d!ck and not your head. a girl cancels and reschedules your date I use the 2 strike rule and just say "no problem maybe another time" then go NC women hate It when you ignore them and go crazy.

bottom line is you don't need women to make you happy. if a women wants you they will chase.

Allnamestaken · 25 Nov 2015 at 10:31

Have you ever felt lost? You feel alone not because there is no one around you but because you feel hurt on the inside yet everything beyond that is going "well"?.

You push someone away who wants to care for you because you are afraid of being hurt again? Even though its the last thing you want to do you do it anyway? I've been feeling like this, I got my walls up so high and I feel like I'm being so weak.

I feel alone, I'm over my ex its been a long time. I don't think or care about her but I'm still feeling hurt inside and I find it hard to give feelings and trust towards people. I find it hard to be emotional now, I can show happiness, I make my own happiness in everything else I do or at least the illusion of it, but when I am on my own I feel lost.

Ramblings of an idiot \o/.

dave1983 · 25 Nov 2015 at 13:02

Allnamestaken said:
Have you ever felt lost? You feel alone not because there is no one around you but because you feel hurt on the inside yet everything beyond that is going "well"?.

You push someone away who wants to care for you because you are afraid of being hurt again? Even though its the last thing you want to do you do it anyway? I've been feeling like this, I got my walls up so high and I feel like I'm being so weak.

I feel alone, I'm over my ex its been a long time. I don't think or care about her but I'm still feeling hurt inside and I find it hard to give feelings and trust towards people. I find it hard to be emotional now, I can show happiness, I make my own happiness in everything else I do or at least the illusion of it, but when I am on my own I feel lost.

Ramblings of an idiot \o/.

I always felt lost atm that's because my ex gives me so many mixed signals that I am at a crossroads as to whether I want to move on or not. We are going out for a meal on Saturday and everyday she's been initiating the contact and keeps asking "are we going for a meal Saturday" the one thing iv'e learned since separation is a) don't be there emotional tampon but provide them with deeper emotional connection seems contradicting but they open up alloooot more about other problems than the relationship b) don't be too accommodating and don't text back straight away.

The other women keeps worrying if I'm ok because I was calm and cool about her flaking, now I let her chase minimal contact and I go and make other plans.

413x · 25 Nov 2015 at 20:40

Allnamestaken said:
Have you ever felt lost? You feel alone not because there is no one around you but because you feel hurt on the inside yet everything beyond that is going "well"?.

You push someone away who wants to care for you because you are afraid of being hurt again? Even though its the last thing you want to do you do it anyway? I've been feeling like this, I got my walls up so high and I feel like I'm being so weak.

I feel alone, I'm over my ex its been a long time. I don't think or care about her but I'm still feeling hurt inside and I find it hard to give feelings and trust towards people. I find it hard to be emotional now, I can show happiness, I make my own happiness in everything else I do or at least the illusion of it, but when I am on my own I feel lost.

Ramblings of an idiot \o/.

Very much so

The thing I will eventually want I may not let myself have.

From the outside I probably look fine. Some would even envy it.
But inside the thought of getting close to someone seems lovely.. Then the thoughts of the vulnerability and hurt I felt make me think.. I don't want that.
It's self. Preservation. But it leaves you feeling empty and unforfilled

The thing I really want.. I don't want.

I know some people never get over it.. And there's always that worry that person will be you

Stolly · 26 Nov 2015 at 10:10

Allnamestaken said:
Have you ever felt lost? You feel alone not because there is no one around you but because you feel hurt on the inside yet everything beyond that is going "well"?.

You push someone away who wants to care for you because you are afraid of being hurt again? Even though its the last thing you want to do you do it anyway? I've been feeling like this, I got my walls up so high and I feel like I'm being so weak.

I feel alone, I'm over my ex its been a long time. I don't think or care about her but I'm still feeling hurt inside and I find it hard to give feelings and trust towards people. I find it hard to be emotional now, I can show happiness, I make my own happiness in everything else I do or at least the illusion of it, but when I am on my own I feel lost.

Ramblings of an idiot \o/.

How long has it been since your breakup ? Its been 2 months for me and i still think about her all the time. I'm starting to think i'm actually going insane.