Being a step parent

NickK said:

I think that kids under 12 should not have their own computer, tablet and a basic phone.

My sister in law has taken the same approach with their kids and they're social but at 11 they just have their own tablets etc. They are at an age where they're developing their own 'self' but that also needs a careful blend of knowing they should be part of the family and their own time.
They're very active with family - the son is definitely in the playing WoT but at the same time they limit that so he will interact, so he lives for doing things outdoors like climbing etc but is also starting to be more social.

I think there's a blend that the parents need to be very strict with - so the kids understand their role within the family, they learn the social skills - by getting out and about with parents but at the same time learn to relate to the kids around them.

Click to expand...

See I've got mixed views about it. I agree kids do not need their own tablets etc, but I can't say I agree with blanket applying that to all children. The girlfriend also has a daughter who I think is 13 or so (so younger than the boy) and she has her own iPad but shes brilliantly social.

They're all different, therefore each need their own approach. Whilst a healthy mixture of social + electronics isn't a bad idea, some may need it more than others.

It's also a bit hypocritical for me to say because I always had consoles from a young age, but it was limited exposure to it. Gaming was also different then, multiplayer was more social as it involved friends coming over, them bringing their controllers to school etc...now its pretty much all online, so ultimately you're still sitting on your own.

Its difficult for sure. If I ever have children they will inherently be exposed to a lot of tech from early stages in life (I'm a big kid who likes gadgets afterall! ) but hopefully I'll be able to show them the responsibility that it requires as well.

I am in a similar situation, we have 3 kids. 7 & 9yo girls who are my step-kids and a boy 1.5yo. We have been together 4 years (married 1.5). I know I do get very short with the girls now, I dont know if it that additional stress of having a baby or that they have got older, more independent and I now expect better from them to reflect this. I left much more of the upbringing/discipline to the now wife at the start but that was before we were living as a family in our house, now I am definitely the strict one. I have never tried to win there affection and hope they like me for who I am.

Hopefully when our son grows up I will treat him the same as the girls and they wont feel and more or less loved than the rest of the family. Saying that I hope that I don't feel this stressed for the next 8 years!! I can fully understand your mental murdering at this age!

The hardest thing I find is the unearned admiration of their 'real' dad even though I have been the one bringing them up for more than half there lives. It must be very hard and confusing for them, something I never had to go trough in my life. In time and with maturity I hope they will see who has always been there for them, loved and supported them.

I think all you can do is not try to put on any act or special treatment for the stepchildren. Its up to them if they like/love you for who you are. Its very very hard but worth it for the whole family.

NickK said:

I think that kids under 12 should not have their own computer, tablet and a basic phone.

Click to expand...

A tablet is a fantastically educational device though. If a parent cannot regulate the amount of use on it nor take them to do traditional activities to create a decent balance then there is more of a problem than removing technology will fix.

thep02 said:

Step parenting is almost impossible, I told my ex if she got a new man living there if he so much as shouted at one of my boys I would batter and humiliate him in the street, best stick to two houses one relationship.

Click to expand...

lol what? you would rather your kids would be undisciplined little ***** that do what they like etc than have someone tell them off....

what kinda kids are you trying to raise.

also your probably no where near as hard as you imagine.

If I shouted at your kids and you beat me up I could get you driven to the middle of nowhere at gunpoint and dumped to make your own way home naked.

you would have urine running down your leg and likely be to scared to ever see your kids again.

I'm not joking either I'm pretty soft but know people who are inside for gun charges, maybe think things through before you turn to violence because it's likely to end badly for you.

My wife and I are both "step parents" in that we both had children from our previous relationships.
Her son has lived with us, and my son with my ex, but obviously comes over as and when.

I have simply taken the stance that, I am not my wife's sons father, yes I provide for him, but it isnt my place to discipline, or make life decisions for him.
He is 19 now and I've had him through the supposed "difficult years" and we have grown to be great mates, I wouldn't ever wish to try and take the place of his father however.

arknor said:

lol what? you would rather your kids would be undisciplined little ***** that do what they like etc than have someone tell them off....

what kinda kids are you trying to raise.

also your probably no where near as hard as you imagine.

If I shouted at your kids and you beat me up I could get you driven to the middle of nowhere at gunpoint and dumped to make your own way home naked.

you would have urine running down your leg and likely be to scared to ever see your kids again.

I'm not joking either I'm pretty soft but know people who are inside for gun charges, maybe think things through before you turn to violence because it's likely to end badly for you.

Click to expand...

Are you and asim18 from the same "hood"?

Honestly, have a look at what you've written FFS.

arknor said:

If I shouted at your kids and you beat me up I could get you driven to the middle of nowhere at gunpoint and dumped to make your own way home naked.

you would have urine running down your leg and likely be to scared to ever see your kids again.

I'm not joking either I'm pretty soft but know people who are inside for gun charges, maybe think things through before you turn to violence because it's likely to end badly for you.

Click to expand...

Well that escalated quickly. From a beating to that.

Jesus wept, the keyboard warriors in this place.

nightrider1470 said:

The thing is, as much as I do care for my step son, especially as his Dad isn't around! My patience is really short with him and find myself really short with him most days, especially compared to my daughter who I always seem to keep a natural and consistent love towards her.

I feel a bit bad at times, as am forcing things like a equality way of thinking..... I think I mentally murdered him 3 times today!! (Biscuits all over the floor!)

Anyone relate?..... Is it normal to be like this towards him,?

Click to expand...

is he a ginger step child?

atpbx said:

My wife and I are both "step parents" in that we both had children from our previous relationships.
Her son has lived with us, and my son with my ex, but obviously comes over as and when.

I have simply taken the stance that, I am not my wife's sons father, yes I provide for him, but it isnt my place to discipline, or make life decisions for him.
He is 19 now and I've had him through the supposed "difficult years" and we have grown to be great mates, I wouldn't ever wish to try and take the place of his father however.

Click to expand...

when I was married with a stepson my wife made it clear it wasn't my place to discipline her child, I never felt like a father to him so never really did much with him.
I was seriously expecting that would have been the ops problem before I came in here.

the guys real dad wasn't even in the picture either never even seen his own kid once just didn't want to know so I could have taken on the roll but she wouldn't let me.

arknor said:

when I was married with a stepson my wife made it clear it wasn't my place to discipline her child, I never felt like a father to him so never really did much with him.
I was seriously expecting that would have been the ops problem before I came in here.

the guys real dad wasn't even in the picture either never even seen his own kid once just didn't want to know so I could have taken on the roll but she wouldn't let me.

Click to expand...

That sounds to me like your wife did entirely the wrong thing. If you were basically excluded from a major part of her life how was anything meant to last?

Women. They cray cray yo.

Jono said:

You seem like a calm and reasonable individual.

Click to expand...

I wonder if the treatment also includes a baseball bat.

Dis86 said:

That sounds to me like your wife did entirely the wrong thing. If you were basically excluded from a major part of her life how was anything meant to last?

Women. They cray cray yo.

Click to expand...

her son still likes me but we never got close like we would have if she had let me feel like I could be a proper father to him.

I think it also just added unneeded stress for her, she might as well have stayed as a single parent really

arknor said:

I'm not joking either I'm pretty soft but know people who are inside for gun charges, maybe think things through before you turn to violence because it's likely to end badly for you.

Click to expand...

If they are inside, how can they help?

Take a step back and look at what you are doing and how you are treating the kid. Would you do the same to your daughter? Nip your ways in the bud now before the kid starts to hate you.

Thompson_NCL said:

If they are inside, how can they help?

Click to expand...

Hush now with your logic, this is not the time.

The trick to step parenting (I got 2 step-daughters as part of the "package deal" when I moved in with my missus 15 years ago) is for you and your partner (the biological parent) to always presenting a united front to the kids when it comes to boundaries, restrictions and punishments.

The instant you appear to have a different view on anything, the little devils will start playing you off against each other and you're screwed.

Never play favourites either and treat all the kids exactly equally to avoid future problems.

Thompson_NCL said:

If they are inside, how can they help?

Click to expand...

It was an example of some of the people I used to know that still occasionally get in touch from time to time.
Of course they are not all in prison just the ones who get caught.

was just saying don't expect to beat someone up for trying to be a father to your children because your a jealous **** and expect them to be able to do nothing about it.


For a start they wouldn't need guns to get him in a car and dump him a hundred miles away with nothing but a few bruises.

I was just being extreme and ludicrous since his statement was

If a teacher tells his kids off and they start to cry s he going to beat them up too? sounds like the guy has proper issues

In fairness, Arknor does appear to live in Arthur's Hill. Its almost certain he knows some Shameless types.

Thompson_NCL said:

In fairness, Arknor does appear to live in Arthur's Hill. Its almost certain he knows some Shameless types.

Click to expand...

How do you know where I live? pretty sure I never mentioned it in my post history
Arthurs hill isn't rough it's just seen that way.
oh nevermind you must have stalked my strava profile

I'm from shottingham a little place on the outskirts called bulwell
http://www.hucknalldispatch.co.uk/news/local/town-one-of-country-s-worst-crime-hotspots-1-3070305

A nationwide website, launched by the police, offers a no-holds-barred insight into crime statistics, which can be boiled down to an individual town or street.

The mapping site reveals that Bulwell sits within the top two per cent in the country when it comes to crime rates.

Click to expand...

do you go to Newcastle gamers?

anticonscience said:

You mentally murdered him over biscuits on the floor?

Click to expand...

Major anger issues there.