Anyone got some decent jokes?
- Thread starter Raumarik
- Start date
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Art Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men sitting totally naked on a park bench. Two of the black men had black penises, but the one sitting in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realised that the confused couple where having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black African Americans in a predominately white patriotical society.
"In fact," he pointed out "some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society."
After the curator had left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?" The couple said "How would you claim to know more about the painting than the curator of The Gallery?" "Because I'm the guy who painted it!" he replied "in fact, there is no African American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!"
The curator of the gallery realised that the confused couple where having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black African Americans in a predominately white patriotical society.
"In fact," he pointed out "some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society."
After the curator had left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?" The couple said "How would you claim to know more about the painting than the curator of The Gallery?" "Because I'm the guy who painted it!" he replied "in fact, there is no African American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!"
Soldato
Tommy Cooper Classics
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?", I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?", I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Funny dym, but get back to work, slacker!. 
Its an old and naff one but here we go!
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Its an old and naff one but here we go!
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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Down his local, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Man of Honour
dymetrie said:
ROFL !!!!!!!
Associate
A bear, a lion and a chicken are sitting talking about who is the hardest. The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles". The lion says "when I roar the whole forest shakes with fear". The chicken says " all I have to do is cough and the whole world poos its pants".
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Soldato
d3adm0nk3y said:
You better edit that sweary out fast! ;]
Two cows in a field. One says, "Moo". The other says, "You bar steward, I was gunna say that!"
-RaZ
Permabanned
Two muffins in the oven, one muffin says "wow its hot in here" the other says "Holy **** a talking muffin*
Whats worse than a maggot in your apple?
Aids!
Whats worse than a maggot in your apple?
Aids!
Permabanned
d3adm0nk3y said:
LOL
Associate
MoNkeE said:
Thanks for the heads up
Soldato
Lol, some good 'uns there.
John and Eddie were both driving their Rolls Royce's, minding their own business, when they pulled up alongside each other at traffic signals. Eyeing up John's Phantom, Eddie leaned out of the window and asked him "Do you have a car phone?"
"Of course I do," was John's haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
John sighed. "Yes, I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" Eddie wanted to know. Ashen-faced, John sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, he passed Eddie's roller, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. Seizing the opportunity, John pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Eddie's rear window shouting arrogantly "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed."
Eddie rolled his window down and frowned at the John. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
John and Eddie were both driving their Rolls Royce's, minding their own business, when they pulled up alongside each other at traffic signals. Eyeing up John's Phantom, Eddie leaned out of the window and asked him "Do you have a car phone?"
"Of course I do," was John's haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
John sighed. "Yes, I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" Eddie wanted to know. Ashen-faced, John sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, he passed Eddie's roller, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. Seizing the opportunity, John pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Eddie's rear window shouting arrogantly "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed."
Eddie rolled his window down and frowned at the John. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
Soldato
oh and another one that always makes me smile, even if it is old 
The Gary Neville Diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday
Won today but I didn't play
Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans (oooh topical!!) and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.
Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was 'too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League'. Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.
UPDATE
Mum says I can't go to Spain.
The Gary Neville Diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday
Won today but I didn't play
Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley
gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans (oooh topical!!) and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.
Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was 'too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League'. Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.
UPDATE
Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Soldato
ROFL!!!
Three black women sat on the porch talking 'bout their husbands.
The first one says "I call my husband Brandy, 'cos he makes me randy"
The second, "I call my husband Whiskey, 'cos he makes me frisky"
The last one chuckles "I call my husband Drambuie"
"Drambuie?"
"Yep, he's a fancy liquer!"
The first one says "I call my husband Brandy, 'cos he makes me randy"
The second, "I call my husband Whiskey, 'cos he makes me frisky"
The last one chuckles "I call my husband Drambuie"
"Drambuie?"
"Yep, he's a fancy liquer!"
Man of Honour
These are great (if not a wee winky naughty) but keep them coming!
Soldato
d3adm0nk3y said:
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I
swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."
Soldato
dark_shadow said:
feels dirty after that joke Edit: not in THAT way