The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[413x]

You just need to find ways of distracting your mind, and you need new goals. Coming out of a relationship is hard, my life goal one year ago was to graduate from uni, move to Switzerland with my ex (where she's from, she moved back there March last year) and start my life there. That fell through entirely and now I'm without any long-term goals or plans other than to be successful... a target I don't even know what looks like.

You just need to fill the void left by the absence of these aspirations with a plethora of smaller goals that depend upon you and only you. I've been back to the gym this week for the first time in months and although I'm feeling the burn, I feel good about it, might make a gym target. This is prime you time, you need to work on the aspects or characteristics of yourself you are dissatisfied with in order to become the person you ideally want to be, a better you. You need to address the underlying problems, not eradicate any remaining self confidence by convincing yourself you need a pill. I've got family members who chug anti depressants like they're skittles and it'll do you no long-term good.

You make a lot of sense

This evening I've been out. 2 of my new house mates invited me out to pub (that was lovely) both great girls and I had no anxiety, I wanted to go, had a great time. Back now glad I'm in a house share

I'm signing up to the gym tomorrow
I hope I go, as it's something where even in dark times I've seen it as something with no drawbacks
Improve looks
Release those endorphins
Takes up time
Good for you

I haven't been in 3 weeks with moving, holiday, ex, but no excuses now. - this time gap probably hasn't helped
I've got the protein shake etc (I don't even care if it really helps) I now need a weights routine and to pick back up the weight I lost

If I do want a relationship in future, and society is so visual, it can't hurt

 

[Hades]

Alex,

I'm firmly of the belief that you need to resolve a few things in your life before you continue looking for a relationship. You need to get yourself in the right place first. Tablets may work and there is no harm in discussing it with your doctor. But I am also of the opinion that you alone are the key to getting your head back in the right place.

The gym is a very good idea but make sure you stick to it and also get your diet right. If you only do it half heartedly then you won't see much gain and will feel you've failed. That won't help at all. Get a proper routine sorted. Commit to it for at least a year, don't miss sessions and also commit to a new diet. Make it a lifestyle change and when you see the benefits you'll feel a lot better about yourself. But it's a long road and won't help overnight. It's not an immediate fix so be prepared for that.

Drop into the sports forum and ask for advice there on a routine. Many will recommend Stronglifts 5x5 which is pretty much what I started last year.

 

[Tacitus]

You make a lot of sense

This evening I've been out. 2 of my new house mates invited me out to pub (that was lovely) both great girls and I had no anxiety, I wanted to go, had a great time. Back now glad I'm in a house share

I'm signing up to the gym tomorrow
I hope I go, as it's something where even in dark times I've seen it as something with no drawbacks
Improve looks
Release those endorphins
Takes up time
Good for you

I haven't been in 3 weeks with moving, holiday, ex, but no excuses now. - this time gap probably hasn't helped
I've got the protein shake etc (I don't even care if it really helps) I now need a weights routine and to pick back up the weight I lost

If I do want a relationship in future, and society is so visual, it can't hurt

Precisely, though I'm in no position to comment on the merits of the gym as I have only been a handful of times, though I want to make some routine.

I'm glad you had a nice time in the pub - that's personally where I bond most with my friend group, we know each other and maintain our friendships basically by drinking haha. But at any rate, next weekend ask them out to the pub or to go and do something, properly befriend these people and then you'll always have someone there for you when you need them. My flatmate has been that kind of person for me the past year, a shoulder to cry on/someone who will listen to you type thing.

But I agree with what is said above, and want to reiterate that you shouldn't be rushing into any new relationships, you need to take some time out and reflect on the past and make sure you're properly over your ex... That way you'll feel much better about it

 

[413x]

Think so.
I'm probably no good to anyone at the minute anyway. To emotionally vulnerable.

I'll close out who I'm talking to at the minute and leave the dating sites there.

Besides second date girl made an excuse. Dunno why she wasn't straight all along. Could see it happening at the end of the first. She even suggested it
Other one contacted me out of the blue then stopped. Very odd.
More these two are gone. I'm detached from it.

 

[Hades]

Shame you're not nearer London Alex. I'd take you out for a cheer up beer.

 

[Tacitus]

Or Edinburgh for that matter. Though I suspect you're a good bit older than I am haha.

But cheer up mate, wounds take time to heal and once it does you'll forget what the pain actually felt like. You'll get there, you just have to want to get there.

 

[413x]

I'm a bit far from you both.
It still Enters my head about how quick my ex detached. I was attempting to sort out my fb when I noticed she has blocked me (name not a hyperlink). How quickly she moved on does hurt. (Yeah I know I need to try to forget that)

 

[malachi]

I'm a bit far from you both.
It still Enters my head about how quick my ex detached. I was attempting to sort out my fb when I noticed she has blocked me (name not a hyperlink). How quickly she moved on does hurt. (Yeah I know I need to try to forget that)

Women move more quickly when it comes to break ups. Either down to they don't want to be alone or they need another guy there to fill up the spare time they now have.

 

[Terrier_Jimlad]

Alex, you thought about a quick session of counselling? I was contemplating it myself and thought it would be a waste of money, luckily an ex-colleague messaged me on Facebook about some old PC/Laptop stuff and got chatting, she's now a trained counselor, had a freebie / catchup session over Skype and I was pleasantly surprised how useful it was.

Luckily I've come out of the other side and i'm doing well now, but sounds like it might be useful for you just to help with some of the issues you're struggling with, which will help everything else fall in to place. For me, making an effort to meet up with family and friends (both old and new) was key to me moving on, i've been more sociable in the past few months than I was probably the previous few years. I appreciate the children were the main cause, but you soon realise how much you miss the simple things like family/friends and how important the role is that they play whether you're married and have children or not.

I also got back involved with my clan (took a back seat role for a while) and start up playing CS:GO again, you'd be surprised how good and therapeutic it is to have a good laugh and crack with a bunch of people on an evening over TeamSpeak/Ventrilo etc - the banter is great and it will keep your mind of things. Call them your "virtual mates" if you will

Always happy to meet up for a few jugs if you're ever in Yorkshire.

 

[Flipt]

I'm a bit far from you both.
It still Enters my head about how quick my ex detached. I was attempting to sort out my fb when I noticed she has blocked me (name not a hyperlink). How quickly she moved on does hurt. (Yeah I know I need to try to forget that)

If she was the one who decided to break up then in her mind she had already moved on and was over you to some degree. I can't stress enough that whilst it hurts you at the moment, you WILL find someone else! If you got back together with her then you'd also be worried that she will leave again, and also things would never ever be the same knowing that she just isn't in to you. You have choices here - Either get out there and date, which will most likely be an attempt to fill the void your ex left which won't be the right reasons. Or you can take a break and step back to sort yourself out and be selfish concerntrating on your own life.

I have been through many relationship breakdowns which I won't write down on here. However, you're from Hampton which if it's Peterborough, I only live 25mins away from you and would be happy to go for a beer and chat.

 

[Spuddy]

Just finished my girlfriend of 18 months, I loved her but there were also many things that irritated me about her. Also I really didn't like, couldn't get over her past. And she also has a kid to her ex husband.

We work together though so thats gonna be interesting, but luckily I work every weekend and she works during the week and a weekend shift every now and then. We ended on good terms but still miss her already even though I know I've made the right decision in the long run.

Just wanted to get it off my chest! Sorry.

 

[413x]

If she was the one who decided to break up then in her mind she had already moved on and was over you to some degree. I can't stress enough that whilst it hurts you at the moment, you WILL find someone else! If you got back together with her then you'd also be worried that she will leave again, and also things would never ever be the same knowing that she just isn't in to you. You have choices here - Either get out there and date, which will most likely be an attempt to fill the void your ex left which won't be the right reasons. Or you can take a break and step back to sort yourself out and be selfish concerntrating on your own life.

I have been through many relationship breakdowns which I won't write down on here. However, you're from Hampton which if it's Peterborough, I only live 25mins away from you and would be happy to go for a beer and chat.

I've got the sick feeling it was years she felt like that (hence ease of separation). Makes me sick thinking about it. Dunno why I'm thinking of this but now!
I am at that Hampton yes. If you're willing to risk meeting up with a kind of wreck that I feel I am I'll take you up on it.

 

[Tacitus]

I've got the sick feeling it was years she felt like that (hence ease of separation). Makes me sick thinking about it. Dunno why I'm thinking of this but now!
I am at that Hampton yes. If you're willing to risk meeting up with a kind of wreck that I feel I am I'll take you up on it.

My ex seemed to get over me pretty quickly... like within a couple of months after about 5 years, maybe. When I found out (by which time she'd been seeing someone for three months) I felt physically sick, and deeply disappointed.

But my relationship didn't so much crash and burn as it did bleed out slowly. But to be honest, I felt over her before we broke up, and it was only when she was gone I realised I wasn't over her at all.

Seriously mate, give it time, build your confidence back up, and when the time comes you'll get back into the relationship world.

 

[Roar87]

You make a lot of sense

This evening I've been out. 2 of my new house mates invited me out to pub (that was lovely) both great girls and I had no anxiety, I wanted to go, had a great time. Back now glad I'm in a house share

I'm signing up to the gym tomorrow
I hope I go, as it's something where even in dark times I've seen it as something with no drawbacks
Improve looks
Release those endorphins
Takes up time
Good for you

I haven't been in 3 weeks with moving, holiday, ex, but no excuses now. - this time gap probably hasn't helped
I've got the protein shake etc (I don't even care if it really helps) I now need a weights routine and to pick back up the weight I lost

If I do want a relationship in future, and society is so visual, it can't hurt

Did you get to the gym? If you need a weights routine then hit Google, you can get some great results out of 3 days a week.

 

[413x]

My ex seemed to get over me pretty quickly... like within a couple of months after about 5 years, maybe. When I found out (by which time she'd been seeing someone for three months) I felt physically sick, and deeply disappointed.

But my relationship didn't so much crash and burn as it did bleed out slowly. But to be honest, I felt over her before we broke up, and it was only when she was gone I realised I wasn't over her at all.

Seriously mate, give it time, build your confidence back up, and when the time comes you'll get back into the relationship world.

Not horrendously dissimilar to me. Today I've felt almost like she's winning a competition she isn't even aware of (happy, away from me, probably new relationship, glad to be rid). Me being worse off should be irrelevant to me. But it isn't. I think I feel that she's already happier than I'll ever be (probably irrational). It's Jealousy I think + still not letting go. Ugh. Dunno how much of this is me vs Natural process.

Did you get to the gym? If you need a weights routine then hit Google, you can get some great results out of 3 days a week.

I'm at work still with scuba club (started before break up, first meet since) at 8,so tomorrow for sign up now.

Was planning a 5 day routine. But completely open to best method (5 days gets me out the house more was my thinking)

In past my diet has always been the worst bit. Probably this is better to take to the sports section.

 

[Flipt]

I've got the sick feeling it was years she felt like that (hence ease of separation). Makes me sick thinking about it. Dunno why I'm thinking of this but now!
I am at that Hampton yes. If you're willing to risk meeting up with a kind of wreck that I feel I am I'll take you up on it.

You're normal to feel like that and I know that I did when I broke up with my ex gf's, but the feeling is only temporary. If you want to send a message in trust to meet up then that's cool. I see you have a type-R like me

Not horrendously dissimilar to me. Today I've felt almost like she's winning a competition she isn't even aware of (happy, away from me, probably new relationship, glad to be rid). Me being worse off should be irrelevant to me. But it isn't. I think I feel that she's already happier than I'll ever be (probably irrational). It's Jealousy I think + still not letting go. Ugh. Dunno how much of this is me vs Natural process.

One thing to remember is that you should never ever look at it as a competition, because let's face it... it isn't! She hasn't won a thing! She maybe with someone now, but what's to think it won't end and she could be in the same position as you're feeling now. I have come to realise that whilst I have been hurt in the past - it was a relationship that was never meant to be. Better you get out now rather than years down the line when you're old and wrinkly You have plenty of time on your side to meet someone new. Just be thankful you're not a 35 year old single parent to a 14 year old like me, because you my friend have all the choice out there!

 

[russell664]

Looking for a bit of advice.

I had a really messy break up about 7 months ago, and not really been bothered about a new relationship or anything like that as I have started a new job 3 months ago which has made me put it all behind me kind of thing.

Now, there is this girl in the place I work, the most I know about her is that she did the same course as me (apprenticeship) and her name. For some reason, I like her and have no idea why, she is damn gorgeous I think, but also seems quite sweet in herself. If she rings me to put someone through, for some reason I try to keep her on the line as long as I can, as I feel funny. It sounds pathetic I know...
What is going on?
I'm not normally a guy to show emotions, but don't know where to go with it. Would it be a super bad idea to try and talk to her get to know her kind of thing? Or is that a bad idea all together?

I have no idea what to do, or why I feel like this. I don't see her often in work, as we are always really busy, and I'm in a separate office block (albeit next door) but have her on Facebook.

Any ideas/suggestions/warnings? Could really do with some opinions.

 

[Roar87]

Looking for a bit of advice.

I had a really messy break up about 7 months ago, and not really been bothered about a new relationship or anything like that as I have started a new job 3 months ago which has made me put it all behind me kind of thing.

Now, there is this girl in the place I work, the most I know about her is that she did the same course as me (apprenticeship) and her name. For some reason, I like her and have no idea why, she is damn gorgeous I think, but also seems quite sweet in herself. If she rings me to put someone through, for some reason I try to keep her on the line as long as I can, as I feel funny. It sounds pathetic I know...
What is going on?
I'm not normally a guy to show emotions, but don't know where to go with it. Would it be a super bad idea to try and talk to her get to know her kind of thing? Or is that a bad idea all together?

I have no idea what to do, or why I feel like this. I don't see her often in work, as we are always really busy, and I'm in a separate office block (albeit next door) but have her on Facebook.

Any ideas/suggestions/warnings? Could really do with some opinions.

Well you've got her on Facebook so that's a good start, you could always message her, ask a bit about her and see if she wants to go for a drink sometime. Asking a girl you fancy on a date might seem like a crazy concept but it is infact socially acceptable

 

[snips86x]

Well you've got her on Facebook so that's a good start, you could always message her, ask a bit about her and see if she wants to go for a drink sometime. Asking a girl you fancy on a date might seem like a crazy concept but it is infact socially acceptable

I've started talking to someone a friend put me in touch with. Started out with trying to fix an issue with some lost data and now we're regularly talking and meeting up next week. I'm not expecting much but at the very least, you'd be friends

 

[Roar87]

I've started talking to someone a friend put me in touch with. Started out with trying to fix an issue with some lost data and now we're regularly talking and meeting up next week. I'm not expecting much but at the very least, you'd be friends

Why aren't you expecting much? You probably won't get very far if you go in with that sort of attitude. If you like a girl just make it glaringly obvious that you find her attractive and then suggest meeting up, if she makes excuses then she doesn't like you and you can move on, if she agree's to meet up you can assume she likes you back - at which point you've got a date.