The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Prophet said:
That's great :)

Just be careful as in my experience women like this can go off the boil very quickly and leave you hanging. Play your cards right and you may have a keeper :)
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Yeah, i guess whatever happens i'm not going to get too invested too soon and if nothing ever comes of it, it was a great first date for my first ever online dating meet up.

EDIT: He says 2 minutes before sealing date 2 on thursday.... :p
 
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Thinking about popping the question

Morning ladies and gentlemen,

As the title says I am thinking of popping the question to my girlfriend of just under two years. I want to move the relationship forward and I get the strong feeling from her pinterest wall that she would like to aswell.

My first question is, I dont want to spend the rediculus amounts of money that the local shops are asking for for a ring. Also my missus wants a vintage/antique/secondhand ring instead of a new one. I've looked on ebay but not sure if I can trust the sellers claims of age/ quality. I was wondering if you guys/girls new of markets /shops in the uk where i could purchase said ring at a decent price?

My second question is where and how the hell do i purpose to someone? it took me twenty visits to the coffee shop she used to work in just to get the confidence to ask her out. i dont think she would appreciate it if I took as many attempts to purpose to her....

I had a idea; She loves christmas, I mean really loves christmas. So was thinking of taking her to the christmas market in a european city for a long weekend break, then on the last night take her for a expensive meal and do it then..

Is this too cheesey?


Help me OCUK you're my only hope..
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Morning ladies and gentlemen,

As the title says I am thinking of popping the question to my girlfriend of just under two years. I want to move the relationship forward and I get the strong feeling from her pinterest wall that she would like to aswell.

My first question is, I dont want to spend the rediculus amounts of money that the local shops are asking for for a ring. Also my missus wants a vintage/antique/secondhand ring instead of a new one. I've looked on ebay but not sure if I can trust the sellers claims of age/ quality. I was wondering if you guys/girls new of markets /shops in the uk where i could purchase said ring at a decent price?

My second question is where and how the hell do i purpose to someone? it took me twenty visits to the coffee shop she used to work in just to get the confidence to ask her out. i dont think she would appreciate it if I took as many attempts to purpose to her....

I had a idea; She loves christmas, I mean really loves christmas. So was thinking of taking her to the christmas market in a european city for a long weekend break, then on the last night take her for a expensive meal and do it then..

Is this too cheesey?


Help me OCUK you're my only hope..
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first of all congratulations, I am too thinking of popping the question, on her birthday no less. Its easier for me as she got wind of my plan, that woman and her sources. for proposing it entirely depends on the women, many would like the one knee approach, but the proposal should be a thing thats your style, because she loves you for who you are :) im not sure about the ring though

not cheesy atall, go for it!!! im rooting for ya!!
 
She's a bit young don't you think?

Seriously though, an eastern European country at Christmas would be a great setting. Can I recommend the old town in Tallin, Estonia. It's really nice there in the snow. Mind you, it might not be so nice if it's overrun by refugees living in the street :D
 
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Abraxaz1 said:
Morning ladies and gentlemen,

As the title says I am thinking of popping the question to my girlfriend of just under two years. I want to move the relationship forward and I get the strong feeling from her pinterest wall that she would like to aswell.

My first question is, I dont want to spend the rediculus amounts of money that the local shops are asking for for a ring. Also my missus wants a vintage/antique/secondhand ring instead of a new one. I've looked on ebay but not sure if I can trust the sellers claims of age/ quality. I was wondering if you guys/girls new of markets /shops in the uk where i could purchase said ring at a decent price?

My second question is where and how the hell do i purpose to someone? it took me twenty visits to the coffee shop she used to work in just to get the confidence to ask her out. i dont think she would appreciate it if I took as many attempts to purpose to her....

I had a idea; She loves christmas, I mean really loves christmas. So was thinking of taking her to the christmas market in a european city for a long weekend break, then on the last night take her for a expensive meal and do it then..

Is this too cheesey?


Help me OCUK you're my only hope..
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The location is an excellent choice. If she loves Christmas that much just dress up as Santa and you're guaranteed a yes. :D (don't do this!)

As for how to do it, well there's no real way of knowing exactly what she has in her mind as her 'perfect' proposal unless you ask her, which may give the game away somewhat. You could always dangle the carrot a little, tell her you were on some random forum that has a YouTube thread and everyone was talking about a proposal that went horrendously wrong, make some disaster story up and see if she bites. May or may not be too obvious depending how switched on she is.
 
I need some advice, OCUK!

I had first a date this afternoon, and have absolutely no idea how it went. We had an awful lot in common (almost to a ridiculous degree), talked for 3 hours plus non-stop, there was a lot of eye-contact, smiling etc. However, it all felt a little bit flat - there was not much touching, and a kiss was never really on the cards. It also ended quite abruptly - we both realised that we needed to go in literally opposite directions (quite a long way) to get home, so had a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left. We kind of mentioned the possibility of a future date, but didn't fix anything.

Anyway, long story short, I don't know whether it went well, badly, indifferent, or what. How do you normally follow up from dates like this? I'm tempted to make a bit of a joke about it ending abruptly - I don't think it was intentional on either of our parts, and just kind of happened when we realised where we were.
 
If you want to pursue it and give it another go on a second date, then do so. Don't wonder how it went, go and find out! Otherwise you'll think it went badly and won't call her, and she'll be sitting there doing the same thing, each of you wishing the other would call. The worst she can do is knock you back, and then you move on to the next woman.

Don't over-think it, just do it.
 
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Hi Guys/gals

Sorry in advance...i'm gonna bore you all to death but i need to offload and this isn't something i feel i can talk with my blokey mates about.

Anyway i'm very introverted probably like most here on ocuk :P but i hide it well.
A good few years ago i was lacking in confidence and self esteem, and had been that way since i was young.
I lost a bunch of weight and started internet dating, i had previously been petrified of woman and talking to them, i wasn't a virgin but i wasn't very experienced in relationships etc.

To my surprise i started dating and seeing loads of woman, i dated a few temporarily but it was mostly casual and i got a massive ego boost....i actually lost count of girls i was seeing.
After doing this for about a year i got bored and decided i wanted to settle down, i met a girl who i really liked but atlas after 8 months it wasn't meant to be and we drifted apart.

Forward on to 2015, i messaged a girl on pof who completely blanked me, i don't see the point in messaging anyone twice so left it at that.
I seen her face on the site a few more times over the next few weeks/months and decided to message her again and to my surprise she replied :P
We hit it off and after about 3 weeks we met up.

We've been going out for 5 months now, ive met her parents and friends a few times and vice versa, I've told her i love her and she feels the same (or at least i hope :P)

We used to see each other a lot 2,3 maybe four times a week, she was on holiday from uni when we first met and stayed at her parents 20 mins away.

She's now an hour away in her own flat again, she goes to dance school/uni and works very hard leaving at 7 in the morning and coming home at 5 to study for hours in the evening. Up until now id come up and see her once mid week after i finished back shift 2100/2200 and leave when she got up, we would then see each other at weekends.

Anyway now I've been getting a bit more time off work after slaving away for last couple of months. ive asked her if she wanted to spend time one evening after she gets in....her reply was she'd rather study especially since she'd be busy with me at weekend.
I get this, her uni/dance school stuff comes first. But i don't see the problem with me driving an hour up the road to see her, to just hang around in the flat while she studies, i just like being around her.

Weekends are becoming rare now as she has to attend dances and take lessons on Saturdays so very little time to see each other, i work 3 weekends out of four for my shift patterns so its already bad as it is. 4 on 2 off 11 hour shifts 2 - 0200

I'm pretty miffed about this and since she replied to my text saying she didn't want to see me during the week that shes too busy i took this to heart and have been an asshat , sending her one line replies.... she knows somethings up.

i want to communicate with her and tell her everything but at the same time i don't want to come across as needy and pathetic and that's a sure fire way to scare a woman off.she already knows i'm mad about her.
im not the needy type usually actually far from it.

I really don't know what to do, i feel like i'll scare her off if i tell her im upset about not seeing her during the week, at the same time i think i might have come on too strong and have paranoid thoughts that she's bored or ive done something to put her off.
 
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Muzza, is this the same pof girl you pulled one night and posted stalky nekkid pics of her sleeping to the group on FB? Or is it the one you posted a vid of doing naughty things with?

Playing shy doesn't wash with me son! :P
 
RoboCod said:
Muzza, is this the same pof girl you pulled one night and posted stalky nekkid pics of her sleeping to the group on FB? Or is it the one you posted a vid of doing naughty things with?

Playing shy doesn't wash with me son! :P
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those days are gone mate and which girl:P
ive passed the creepy torch on
 
Muzza1875 said:
I really don't know what to do, i feel like i'll scare her off if i tell her im upset about not seeing her during the week, at the same time i think i might have come on too strong and have paranoid thoughts that she's bored or ive done something to put her off.
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The way to deal with this is to realise that she is really busy and she's got to fit a lot of stuff in. While she's studying, she's got to get her grades, and you have to support her. She doesn't need you to need "looking after" and put even more pressure on her little free time. You can be strong and independent, but still tell her that you want more time with her (even if it's something for the future).

You don't want to come across as your relationship and your needs becoming a further burden on her time, but as an opportunity to progress things further, and for you to become an essential part of her life and emotional support system. You want to make her want you to be there, even if it's to make her cups of tea or dinner while she studies, or taking her out for a meal while she's on a break.

So what you do is apologise for being an asshat, tell her that it's because you really want to spend more time with her, you understand she has to study, but you want her to think about changing her work/life balance in your favour (as a couple) at some point in the future, because you love her and you want to spend more time together.

You need to pitch it as both of you moving forwards together as a couple, that you understand you're there to support her so she can get her grades and move that part of her life forwards too. You need to tell her that you want to spend more time with her.
 
Muzza1875 said:
Hi Guys/gals

Sorry in advance...i'm gonna bore you all to death but i need to offload and this isn't something i feel i can talk with my blokey mates about.

Anyway i'm very introverted probably like most here on ocuk :P but i hide it well.
A good few years ago i was lacking in confidence and self esteem, and had been that way since i was young.
I lost a bunch of weight and started internet dating, i had previously been petrified of woman and talking to them, i wasn't a virgin but i wasn't very experienced in relationships etc.

To my surprise i started dating and seeing loads of woman, i dated a few temporarily but it was mostly casual and i got a massive ego boost....i actually lost count of girls i was seeing.
After doing this for about a year i got bored and decided i wanted to settle down, i met a girl who i really liked but atlas after 8 months it wasn't meant to be and we drifted apart.

Forward on to 2015, i messaged a girl on pof who completely blanked me, i don't see the point in messaging anyone twice so left it at that.
I seen her face on the site a few more times over the next few weeks/months and decided to message her again and to my surprise she replied :P
We hit it off and after about 3 weeks we met up.

We've been going out for 5 months now, ive met her parents and friends a few times and vice versa, I've told her i love her and she feels the same (or at least i hope :P)

We used to see each other a lot 2,3 maybe four times a week, she was on holiday from uni when we first met and stayed at her parents 20 mins away.

She's now an hour away in her own flat again, she goes to dance school/uni and works very hard leaving at 7 in the morning and coming home at 5 to study for hours in the evening. Up until now id come up and see her once mid week after i finished back shift 2100/2200 and leave when she got up, we would then see each other at weekends.

Anyway now I've been getting a bit more time off work after slaving away for last couple of months. ive asked her if she wanted to spend time one evening after she gets in....her reply was she'd rather study especially since she'd be busy with me at weekend.
I get this, her uni/dance school stuff comes first. But i don't see the problem with me driving an hour up the road to see her, to just hang around in the flat while she studies, i just like being around her.

Weekends are becoming rare now as she has to attend dances and take lessons on Saturdays so very little time to see each other, i work 3 weekends out of four for my shift patterns so its already bad as it is. 4 on 2 off 11 hour shifts 2 - 0200

I'm pretty miffed about this and since she replied to my text saying she didn't want to see me during the week that shes too busy i took this to heart and have been an asshat , sending her one line replies.... she knows somethings up.

i want to communicate with her and tell her everything but at the same time i don't want to come across as needy and pathetic and that's a sure fire way to scare a woman off.she already knows i'm mad about her.
im not the needy type usually actually far from it.

I really don't know what to do, i feel like i'll scare her off if i tell her im upset about not seeing her during the week, at the same time i think i might have come on too strong and have paranoid thoughts that she's bored or ive done something to put her off.
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Feels like both of you are in different stages in life. This happens frequently.

This will keep going until she is done with Uni/dance. If you are ok waiting a year (possible more, no idea how long she has left) then feel free. Personally, if she is not as committed as you are, I'd move on.

Also, remember, she meets a bunch of different people at Uni. Some of these people are male.
 
Steampunk said:
The way to deal with this is to realise that she is really busy and she's got to fit a lot of stuff in. While she's studying, she's got to get her grades, and you have to support her. She doesn't need you to need "looking after" and put even more pressure on her little free time. You can be strong and independent, but still tell her that you want more time with her (even if it's something for the future).

You don't want to come across as your relationship and your needs becoming a further burden on her time, but as an opportunity to progress things further, and for you to become an essential part of her life and emotional support system. You want to make her want you to be there, even if it's to make her cups of tea or dinner while she studies, or taking her out for a meal while she's on a break.

So what you do is apologise for being an asshat, tell her that it's because you really want to spend more time with her, you understand she has to study, but you want her to think about changing her work/life balance in your favour (as a couple) at some point in the future, because you love her and you want to spend more time together.

You need to pitch it as both of you moving forwards together as a couple, that you understand you're there to support her so she can get her grades and move that part of her life forwards too. You need to tell her that you want to spend more time with her.
Click to expand...


Thanks for your input, appreciated. I'm going to message her now actually i'm being a tool
 
The__Malteser said:
Feels like both of you are in different stages in life. This happens frequently.

This will keep going until she is done with Uni/dance. If you are ok waiting a year (possible more, no idea how long she has left) then feel free. Personally, if she is not as committed as you are, I'd move on.

Also, remember, she meets a bunch of different people at Uni. Some of these people are male.
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Cheers for your reply, she has a year left well actually it's less than that.
Its a degree course shes doing but its not actually uni its a dance school. There are guys at the school but they are all gay bar a couple of teachers :P She's a mature student and i trust her :)
 
Muzza1875 said:
Cheers for your reply, she has a year left well actually it's less than that.
Its a degree course shes doing but its not actually uni its a dance school. There are guys at the school but they are all gay bar a couple of teachers :P She's a mature student and i trust her :)
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Didn't notice she is studying dance at Uni. I though she is doing Uni AND dance.

I'm not saying she is cheating, but she gets to see a bunch of different people. People act differently in different environments. Friends influence you too.

You need to find the right balance for both of you. It's a difficult dynamic. I see this with my friends all the time. People who work vs people who study. People who are first years and people who are final year students. It's generally people with less free time and people with more free time. Obviously, the person with less free time is willing to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend, but they also want to other stuff in their limited free time, so that can become a strain.

As I said, you need to find a good balance for both of you. Alternatively, you can stick it out for a year then hopefully get more attention when she is done from Uni. You can maybe try and show her that although you might be 'ok' with less time while she is studying, she has to find more space for you when she is more free (which she showed she can do already tbh).

In relationships, it's always "don't lose time" for me. If you think there REALLY is something then try to save your relationship. If not, then go your separate ways.
 
Muzza1875 said:
Cheers for your reply, she has a year left well actually it's less than that.
Its a degree course shes doing but its not actually uni its a dance school. There are guys at the school but they are all gay bar a couple of teachers :P She's a mature student and i trust her :)
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My wife has been through several periods of heavy study in her life. Each time I supported her, discussed her work, was a sounding board for her, as well as doing meals/tea, helping get her out and de-stress when she could. She told me later the boom-box I bought her when she was in student digs (before the walkman/mp3 player existed) saved her life. She told me she could never have finished her degree without me being there to support her, sort her out when it all got too much for her.

I put her needs before mine, and helped to get her to where she wanted to go. It meant big things to her, made me a small part of her success, and she's never forgotten it. I tried to be a grown-up helping her get through her studies, rather than a petulant jealous child having a sulk because I couldn't get what I wanted.

It's just another way to man-up when you deal with normal life-stuff, and it's the sort of attitude that makes you a grown up life-partner who's an indispensable part of her life, rather than just an adolescent boyfriend who's more trouble than they are worth at a time when she's already stressed out and spread pretty thinly. You want to be a help to her success, not a hindrance, and make the limited time you have together the best quality time you can make it.

You may feel a bit lonely and neglected, but don't put that all on her, and realise it will get better in the future. It doesn't stop you making the best of the time you have together, and she will appreciate it and want to spend that time with you. That won't be the case if you spend it all moaning that you never see her and making her feel miserable and guilty about her studies.
 
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