The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Daftbrown

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dowie said:
I'd ask them out pretty early on tbh... you both know why you're there.

I think while it might be good to ask a few questions about them initially to find out about them personally, what their interests are, what they do for a living etc..etc.. beyond that you ought to just meet them rather than drag out a conversation with stuff like "how was your day?".

A first date can literally be something as simple as coffee - you're doing each other a favour there as either of you could decide that you're not right early on without wasting half an evening and a wad of cash on dinner or several rounds of drinks or movie + drinks + popcorn etc..etc.

someone I know lined up several dozen dates for coffee, she spent weeks doing this, she'd basically message people, arrange to meet up and then just meet them for coffee at lunch... you can often tell fairly early on whether you click with someone or at least whether you definitely don't click with them. If she didn't like them then she'd drink it quickly and head back to the office... literally just takes 15 minutes of your lunch break to do that.

She was able to get through a whole load of dates until she found someone who ticked all the right boxes... and is now married to him.
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This is a thread we can agree in ;)
 

KillBoY_UK

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dowie said:
I'd ask them out pretty early on tbh... you both know why you're there.

I think while it might be good to ask a few questions about them initially to find out about them personally, what their interests are, what they do for a living etc..etc.. beyond that you ought to just meet them rather than drag out a conversation with stuff like "how was your day?".

A first date can literally be something as simple as coffee - you're doing each other a favour there as either of you could decide that you're not right early on without wasting half an evening and a wad of cash on dinner or several rounds of drinks or movie + drinks + popcorn etc..etc.

someone I know lined up several dozen dates for coffee, she spent weeks doing this, she'd basically message people, arrange to meet up and then just meet them for coffee at lunch... you can often tell fairly early on whether you click with someone or at least whether you definitely don't click with them. If she didn't like them then she'd drink it quickly and head back to the office... literally just takes 15 minutes of your lunch break to do that.

She was able to get through a whole load of dates until she found someone who ticked all the right boxes... and is now married to him.
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Ask to early you get told your a pest, ask to late and you get friend zoned or ghosted
 

dowie

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KillBoY_UK said:
Ask to early you get told your a pest, ask to late and you get friend zoned or ghosted
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I think you're doing it very wrong in that case... I can't see who you're getting accused of being a "sex pest" for asking out someone who is also interested in you while on a dating site or app!
 

dowie

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KillBoY_UK said:
Then ive just had very bad luck over the years
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I don't think it is luck (especially if you're talking of a sample size in terms of years!) asking a girl out (who you've connected with/have demonstrated mutual interest/likes) on a dating site really shouldn't get you labeled as a sex pest. If multiple women have thought you're a sex pest for doing so then you're doing something very wrong with your approach.

for example - last time I used these sites I saw some girl had (among her photos) a picture of herself playing pool and holding the cue very awkwardly - it didn't take many messages to arrange to meet her within a couple of day - just went something along the lines of:

---------------------------------------------------------

Me: "You need pool lessons, message me back to arrange!"

Her: "Ha, are you some sort of expert then?"

Me: "nope, but I'm better than you :p "

...

then it was literally something dull/boring like "joking aside I do like what I've read in your profile and have got Friday evening free at the moment, lets get a drink after work? (I'll make sure the bar doesn't have a pool table so no pressure)"

---------------------------------------------------------

It was just that sort of pattern for all the dates I arranged, just comment on something in their profile (they know you've at least read it unlike the majority of people who just spam them with generic copy and paste messages or just click "like" without messaging) and then just tell them you like what you've read and would like to meet them. If they reply to the first message positively then they're potentially interested and it is just down to you not to mess things up, if they're not interested they generally won't reply in the first place

I don't think back and forth stuff where you ask them about their day or drag out a load of messages is necessary at all prior to a first date - you don't really know them at that point... you just have a picture you're attracted to and a profile that seems like it might be someone compatible... aside from that you really ought to meet them in person. It would take a very weird girl to reply with anything along the lines of accusing someone of being a "sex pest" for simply mentioning that they're free after work for a drink later that week.
 

KillBoY_UK

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dowie said:
I don't think it is luck (especially if you're talking of a sample size in terms of years!) asking a girl out (who you've connected with/have demonstrated mutual interest/likes) on a dating site really shouldn't get you labeled as a sex pest. If multiple women have thought you're a sex pest for doing so then you're doing something very wrong with your approach.

for example - last time I used these sites I saw some girl had (among her photos) a picture of herself playing pool and holding the cue very awkwardly - it didn't take many messages to arrange to meet her within a couple of day - just went something along the lines of:

---------------------------------------------------------

Me: "You need pool lessons, message me back to arrange!"

Her: "Ha, are you some sort of expert then?"

Me: "nope, but I'm better than you :p "

...

then it was literally something dull/boring like "joking aside I do like what I've read in your profile and have got Friday evening free at the moment, lets get a drink after work? (I'll make sure the bar doesn't have a pool table so no pressure)"

---------------------------------------------------------

It was just that sort of pattern for all the dates I arranged, just comment on something in their profile (they know you've at least read it unlike the majority of people who just spam them with generic copy and paste messages or just click "like" without messaging) and then just tell them you like what you've read and would like to meet them. If they reply to the first message positively then they're potentially interested and it is just down to you not to mess things up, if they're not interested they generally won't reply in the first place

I don't think back and forth stuff where you ask them about their day or drag out a load of messages is necessary at all prior to a first date - you don't really know them at that point... you just have a picture you're attracted to and a profile that seems like it might be someone compatible... aside from that you really ought to meet them in person. It would take a very weird girl to reply with anything along the lines of accusing someone of being a "sex pest" for simply mentioning that they're free after work for a drink later that week.
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I've I've tried it so many ways I've tend to forget, most of the time I just get ghisted, other times when I've been direct and forward been blocked, asked someone casually, the one time I thought I had skmeone flirting with me at a job and I asked them out for a drink that became a HR meeting. The one time in the past decade i though it worked out (the ex) she turned out to be crazy. Now this ghosting BS yet again.

I can't be that much of an ******* surley lo, or most likely don't have the gift of the gab.

Tomorrow is a new day I guess, there loss will be someones gain.
 

itchy

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I got called a woman beater for pushing my ex away while she was attacking me. I do have an 11 year old daughter which I adore so have to stick around unfortunately.

Also fixing the drain on the washing machine of my ex and she ragged me by the scruff of the neck, while on the kitchen floor fixing the bloody thing.

She was getting it but she ran into the street the ****bag. :mad:

Am finished with women, ham shank money in the bank now for me.:p
 

XeNoN89

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KillBoY_UK said:
I've I've tried it so many ways I've tend to forget, most of the time I just get ghisted, other times when I've been direct and forward been blocked, asked someone casually, the one time I thought I had skmeone flirting with me at a job and I asked them out for a drink that became a HR meeting. The one time in the past decade i though it worked out (the ex) she turned out to be crazy. Now this ghosting BS yet again.

I can't be that much of an ******* surley lo, or most likely don't have the gift of the gab.

Tomorrow is a new day I guess, there loss will be someones gain.
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Online dating seems like there are just massive numbers needed tbh. At least with tinder anyways. That's the only one i ever used and from something like 30 matches, i messaged all of them. Only about 5 or 6 bothered replying at all, 5 of those stopped replying pretty quickly and the 1 I did manage to get on a date stopped replying a few days after agreeing to a second date.

I din't have the time to waste on this crap, hence why I don't bother with any form of online dating. I'll stick with chatting to women in person.
 

fringey

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Acme said:
Wish I had the balls to tell people how I feel about them, without drinking... :(

Night all. :)
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That's why you need to quit drinking..im 4 years sober .. To be honest i haven't noticed any health benefits but atleast i do not make rash and stupid decisions like i used to whilst having the power of hops in me ..
 

Akagi

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If I didn't drink I would never have had a girlfriend or told anyone how I feel about them and thats gods honest truth, and that is a problem!

On no occasion have I woken up the next morning and regretted what I said. I just wake up and wish I could have said it without using alcohol to "Loosen up"

But then I do have issues with social-anxiety/anxiety/depression/general ****ed-up-ness etc so..... :p
 

XeNoN89

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Acme said:
If I didn't drink I would never have had a girlfriend or told anyone how I feel about them and thats gods honest truth, and that is a problem!

On no occasion have I woken up the next morning and regretted what I said. I just wake up and wish I could have said it without using alcohol to "Loosen up"

But then I do have issues with social-anxiety/anxiety/depression/general ****ed-up-ness etc so..... :p
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Yeah my life would be very different without alcohol.
 

chris_h

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Hello Forum

I feel the need to write my current life situation down to try and get your opinions on this, as I am slowly dying inside as I genuinely feel my life is about to hit rock bottom.

I have been in a relationship with my partner now for 10 years. We have the perfect lifestyle - House, Dog, car each, good jobs, good friends. But my misses has dropped the bomb shell that she wants to have a break and be alone, and she wants us to be just friends. When I think what we have been through to get to this position, I am distraught, dejected, humiliated and very angry at myself for being so blind and naive that she was so unhappy.
Last month she told me I can be critical, Mean and controlling. I fully understand where she is coming from, and I have made an effort to be a better person and I like myself for it and would never go back that way. However it is to late for her.

We still live in the same house, but she has left my bed and is sleeping in the spare room. This is the worst part. Waking up in the morning and thinking we are still together, or having a dream where we are OK, then realising this is not the case anymore. Heart wrenching.
Living together makes sense as we tied in a joint mortgage, and it works out much cheaper.

She claims I am just being desperate and don't want to be alone, and I will say and do anything to stop this from turning into a full split. This really inst true, she wont listen to just how strongly I feel for her and how sorry I am.

I need to show her that life with me is going to be everything she dreams off, but at the same time she wants her space so I simply can't do this. I am stuck and I am worried she will grow to accept us being apart.

What the hell do I do? I cant ever stop fighting for her, I feel we are more than boyfriend and girlfriend, I was going to ask her to marry me next month!

I am lost.
 

NoobCannon

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Went thru a similar situation myself recently.

My advice is to Start planning for the future, sign up for dating sites, you
Dont have to meet anyone straight away but just starting to talk to other women again helps build your confidence back up.
Get some Councilling whilst your struggling (i did this over the phone it helped me immensely)
 

Ayahuasca

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You need to come to terms with the fact that her decision might be final and start looking at what you can do to protect/benefit your own future.

Posts like that are always a brutal read as it can and does happen to anyone regardless of how good you think life is going or you are as a person.
 
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