News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

Associate
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Thank you for the offers and I'm sorry to the ones thinking I was asking too much over the last months I have been offered many thing and declined nearly all 18 pages of people offering to help and the moment I actually dare to think some may be genuine I am classed as trying to gain out of people.

I will take my leave now, I do not have the energy to play that game too the couple of people i got to know thank you, to the rest who seem to be part of # call on me if you need to for anything but if you do then you must be a scammer.

I just went through 2 months of hell was at a low point and asked for help sorry.

I really hope none of you face anything like this.

Hey @Calranthe

Now I don't know whether you'll see this or if you won't, but ignore anyone saying you're trying to gain off others. As I'm sure many of the others on here will agree you've come across as such an incredibly strong individual through this and you've just kept on going. People on the internet are just that, people on the internet. It's much easier to say things that might be hurtful or disrespectful because of the anonymity of it, whereas they likely wouldn't have the guts to say anything like that to your face if they saw the reality of it.

I hope you don't feel like you're not welcome here, because many people care about you and like to check up on you to see how you're doing. I've not said anything up until this point, but I feel shocked that people are still saying you're trying to gain from this when you're clearly declining help, and just want visitors.

Although I'm not in a position to visit you, I hope that someone is and can keep you that bit extra company.
 
Caporegime
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Godalming
He's not been back to the forum as some comments were made that were not friendly.
Andi.


This is ********. The guy's going through a more difficult situation than most of us will ever face and he's been made to feel crap on the only forum he turned to for support. I honestly can't believe people can be such utter pricks. You know who you are.


@Calranthe come back mate. No need to fight through this on your own, you've got some great support from great people here. Don't let the others get you down, we'll drown them out.

Come back fella. We got your back <3
 
Soldato
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Glasgow
Did posts get deleted? The thread reads very much like he begged OcUK for a free laptop, they said no, people said "well that's fair enough" and he got his knickers in a twist and throw the toys out the pram.

The whole episode is sad, and he's having a tough time of it but there does seem to be an overtly begging nature to some of his posts and his expectations of people. I certainly read his posts as leading onto asking for more free stuff. Perhaps the internet has made me terribly cynical which is a shame I suppose.

If posts were deleted, then of course the recent situation can be read differently but I would never think of asking a business for a free laptop. Read a book, watch the TV, do a crossword, literally do something else apart from spend all your time engrossed in games - can't be healthy for the mind!
 
Associate
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620
Okay i'm here, firstly my apology for how I acted.
I don't think anyone here can get how bad it was in hospital for me, it wasn't the surgery, it was being in the same hospital 2 floors from where Paola died, it was having no time to grieve before the cancer hit me, it was having no visitors for 10 days + 3 more days and nothing to do but spend time in my own head space.

I was at the point of giving up, after all what do I have to live for, no one at home, no real life friends, no Paola to see smile, in fact every day I live is one day further from being with her.

See to most of you computers are a luxury, games are a hobby, you have lives, career, people who care, you have family and children.

I am looking at 12 months of chemo cycles which will destroy my appetite each month, cause me to feel like hell and could cause complications, now if Paola was alive I'd face any problem, attack any challenge but without its really hard to see a reason.

Yes I know that I should be doing all this for Paola if nothing else.

Let me try to explain the loss, for 21 years I was part of a very close relationship, 18 hours a day every single day for 21 years, no breaks, no trips to the pub, no job, no days out with friends, no respite, not one single day in 21 years was I away from Paola for more that 15 minutes to walk the dog, Every hobby was shared, every TV show watched together, Every Film experienced together, not many people can imagine that level of togetherness, add on top the work and effort to keep Paola alive, the learning of each new problem, trained in new medical know how, dialysis.

Now imagine all that being taken away forever.

There is actually a medical condition called a broken heart, you hear about it sometimes when a husband or wife dies the other half dies days, months later just can't go on.

Both OCuk and people here kept telling me "if you need anything just ask" so I made the terrible crime of actually asking, asking for something that I knew would distract me, after all if you look back on my threads a lot of people have offered help but I have not taken them up on it.

it just pushed me over the edge when people started accusing me and I was in no fit state to respond so I just ranted and for that I apologise.


Thank you to those that defended me.

How am I at the moment.

I came home on the 13th, 2 days later I was back in because my temperature spiked to 39.2 and they were concerned it could be sepsis, they pumped me full of a lot of antibiotics and 2 days later I was back home.

I am very weak, my body hurts but happy to be home, next week I go to the meeting where we find out exactly how much chemo I will need and what the prognosis will be.

(what I actually asked for was a loaner an old laptop for a short term thats all, I did NOT ask for a freebie)

The laptop, I am now the owner of a rather nice CyberpowerPC Tracer Xtreme Gaming Laptop - 15.6" 1080p FHD, Intel Core i7-8750H, Nvidia GTX 1060 6GB, 16GB RAM, 240GB SSD, 1TB HDD, RGB Mechanical Keyboard, Wifi + BT, Windows 10.

When I got home I sold a few items on ebay, I max'd out a couple of my cards (not the most sensible but already paying them back) and now I do not have to worry about being in hospital for chemo without anything to do, a friend setup a small gofundme to help.

I was just looking for something to play older games on this thing will even do VR.


I am not a greedy person, me and Paola never were, I never sold an item on ebay to make a profit and if anyone ever wanted anything we could spare we did it, its just how we were built so when I responded to people offering to help I did it in the same idea because that is how I think.
 
Caporegime
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All over the world...
First of all buddy don’t apologise and secondly I’m so sorry you have to go through all this by yourself.

Yes people can and do die of broken hearts. My grand mum died 5 days later after my grandfather passed away. It was truly heartbreaking and devastated my mum even to this day.

But you got to stay strong my friend, I’m sure Paola would not want you to wallow in misery. Get yourself better my friend, get your treatment done and hopefully you will get through all of this.

I know it’s a crap saying but you are in my thoughts and I always pray and hope you pull through this.

If I had a laptop or something to spare my friend I would do it in a heartbeat but am glad you got something sorted for yourself.

Take care and keep us updated.
 
Associate
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At the moment I am taking it one day at a time, setting small goals, the biggest plus at the moment is well I gained a lot of weight while Paola was alive, no time for exercise, having to make really high calorie meals and comfort eating, my weight ballooned up to 134kg and even with my 6ft 2 that is a lot, well I am now down to 115kg which thank fully I still have a huge buffer, for someone who wasn't overweight to start with it would be dangerous. my appetite is through the floor but I am eating, just not a lot, unfortunately the chemo is also known to drop weight off you but I have at least another 25kg of spare tire.

I am seeing the weight loss as a positive, a future where I can pull off something other than jogging bottoms would be nice.

I am trying to get back into games, started playing AC Odyssey which was the last game she bought me for my birthday.

Sleep is challenging, I can now lay on my side (was never able to sleep on my back) but its a couple of hours at a time and a nap during the day.

I went for a walk today, wore myself out in like 10 minutes.
 
Soldato
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Welcome back. I have been through most of what you've been through and it is horrendous, how you're coping alone I can't imagine. The Internet can be a great point of contact to at least chat, which can be done whilst feeling **** and exhausted. Keep in touch.
Andi.
 
Caporegime
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Glad you're out of hospital, I guess the weight loss is a positive at least, hang in there. :)

Maybe you could could self study something too in between the computer games? There are so many resources out there now covering different topics. Presumably you're in no state to work at the moment or in the near future but that could change after your treatment. A potential new career could be something to look forward to.
 
Associate
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Glad you're out of hospital, I guess the weight loss is a positive at least, hang in there. :)

Maybe you could could self study something too in between the computer games? There are so many resources out there now covering different topics. Presumably you're in no state to work at the moment or in the near future but that could change after your treatment. A potential new career could be something to look forward to.

All good suggestions but the thing is i'm also under the Greenfield centre (mental issues) see I have reactive depression, ADHD and I score on the autism chart somewhere between Asperger and schizotypal (no that is nothing like schizophrenia).

The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was the focus on my wife.

I was told that my mental issues actually allowed me to cope and help look after my wife better, now she is gone its all going to be a very fun time especially seen as one of the main symptoms of Typal draws you towards a solitary life with only close and personal friends/family able to get a look in, now all that is gone its going to be a challenge.
 
Man of Honour
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21 Feb 2006
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29,300
This time last year I spent 12 nights in hospital and it was horrific. I can imagine in your situation how that must feel and I know well how it impacts your mental state. The sneering by a couple of people in this thread says a lot about their character, lack of empathy and personal shortcomings and has been truly distasteful. I hope we see no more.

As someone who has and is facing medical life impacting challenges you have my utmost sympathy.
 
Associate
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I still think it is hard for some to comprehend just how important computers and games can be to some people, it is hard for them to understand because they haven't experienced it, to be locked out of the so called real world, to have your options reduced, most people can't even imagine the simple concept of not being able to go out your front door or not having that friend on the end of the phone to go out for drinks.

Computers and games are something almost magical, this screen in front of you is a window on to a world, a way to connect and distract beyond words, Paola dealt with a death sentence for 21 years, imagine that if you even can the idea that at 21 she was told she was going to die, no cure, no possibility of remission, no future that didn't involve her dying, imagine how you would cope with that simple absolute truth, then add in the disability, the friends who all disappeared because they couldn't cope with her mortality, a family that disowned her because and I quote "it doesn't look good on us to have a daughter who is ill and not working".

Only so much time can be spent watching the TV and when the illness affected her eyes only so much time reading books, Games became our adventures, became our world to exist in, monsters we could fight and win against. Battles we didn't have to lose.

Games and computers are now the same for me because It is really hard to exist in a world without her.
 
Soldato
Joined
20 Oct 2010
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4,168
@Calranthe

It's a shame I'm not close enough to come and visit as I have an Aorus X7 laptop gathering dust that you could've borrowed and returned that one so you don't get into debt.

I know PC gaming is your thing but have you not though about getting a 2nd hand Xbox or Playstation as a cheaper alternative?

Other people have said it but if you can just ignore the pond life who are accusing you of being a 'scrounger' and pray that they never have to face the aversion you have in life, I know how mind numbingly boring hospital can be as my Dad has been in since Xmas day when he a stroke so my heart does go out to you.
 
Caporegime
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As someone who’s had near death experience and prolonged hospital stays I emphasise with you on that one, equally though, I would try not to rely so much on computers and games, it can be a very insular existence and not necessarily good for the mind long term.

I had two heart attacks back in 2013, which nearly ended my days, my lovely supportive then wife decided whilst I was picking myself back up was a great time for an affair hence the term then wife! :D

I got myself back to physical and mental fitness with a White German Shepherd puppy (I’ve now got two!) she was my confidant - still is - and a great focussing point, walking her miles daily cleared my mind and got my health back.

Not saying buy a White German Shepherd (although I’d highly recommend a White one especially due to their temperament) but a dog can be a wonderful addition to a life that’s suffered a loss regardless of the circumstances.

I’d consider it mate, if nothing else it gives you something to get up for each day which can be a challenge in itself when your world has crashed down around you.

All the best.
 
Caporegime
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I know PC gaming is your thing but have you not though about getting a 2nd hand Xbox or Playstation as a cheaper alternative?

Also @Calranthe consider retro gaming, a raspberry pi could be a nice thing to play around with, perhaps design a custom case and have it 3D printed etc... (could even customise it in some way relevant to your late partner). Whole host of retro titles to get through with something like that. :)
 
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