The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[malachi]

I don't understand it either....why try for a baby so fast when she has to kids already. Off the back off that, why get with a single mother in the first place, if you don't have kids of your own. So many options out there.

@Shikkaka Did you have any kids before her, how old are you both?

Earlier in the thread, I mentioned I was dating a Polish woman. But I had to knock it on the head end of February, too many red flags. She was pushing for us to be in a relationship after 2 month and I like to give 6 months AT LEAST before am I ready to get into a proper relationship with them. Every few weeks, I would be hit with the "What are we?" question, I had enough and called it quits after 4 months.

Too many people like to rush into things with their emotions, without thinking about it first.

 

[secretspy]

@Shikkaka

Did her mood change after she had the baby? Just wondering if it may have been post natal depression.

Do you think the reason you have this anxiety when she wants affection is because you're worried an argument might somehow follow? Or is it that you don't want her near and need physical space?

Obviously I'm no expert and it's difficult during the current pandemic but have you considered couples counselling? Does she know you're feeling this way and have been for sometime?

 

[Shikkaka]

Trying for a baby with someone after only being with them for 6 months, don't live together and she already has two children? Perhaps wasn't the most sensible of ideas, while sometimes it does work out. I don't understand how people can make big life decisions (marriage, baby etc.) after knowing someone for less than a year. You don't really get to know someone till after you have lived together for a few months at least.

Aye, in hindsight it was way to soon to be trying for a baby but it felt right so we went for it. Would I change it, absolutely not, my little lad is my world.

I don't understand it either....why try for a baby so fast when she has to kids already. Off the back off that, why get with a single mother in the first place, if you don't have kids of your own. So many options out there.

@Shikkaka Did you have any kids before her, how old are you both?

I am 35, she's 36. I have no kids myself, always wanted to but it never felt right with anyone before. It felt right this time so we went for it. Yes, she's was a single mother but she's got a good head on her shoulders, holds a good career, a couple of nice lads, well mannered etc.

@Shikkaka

Did her mood change after she had the baby? Just wondering if it may have been post natal depression.

Do you think the reason you have this anxiety when she wants affection is because you're worried an argument might somehow follow? Or is it that you don't want her near and need physical space?

Obviously I'm no expert and it's difficult during the current pandemic but have you considered couples counselling? Does she know you're feeling this way and have been for sometime?

Yes, I think now she suffered from post natal.

I think it's the latter, I just don't want to be close to her right now.

Yes, she knows exactly how I feel, I've been pretty honest. I think once this pandemic is over couples counselling is something we will definitely consider.

 

[Dave M]

We met 3 years ago, things got serious pretty quickly, we tried for a baby within 6 months, she fell pregnant within 3 weeks.

You entirely sure it's yours?

 

[malachi]

You entirely sure it's yours?

Joking aside.....thats actually a good and serious question!

 

[Shikkaka]

You entirely sure it's yours?

Joking aside.....thats actually a good and serious question!

100% mine, no doubt.

 

[Hilly]

Malachi, you give the worst advice in this thread; I'm sure you're just a ****ing troll.

Shikkaka, putting a time on things won't make it any easier when it comes to it. Feelings don't change unless there's sustained effort on both parts.

 

[malachi]

Malachi, you give the worst advice in this thread; I'm sure you're just a ****ing troll.

Erm no!

The guy got a woman pregnant in less than a year, who already had kids from a previous relationship. Now he's up poos creek. Like, what was they expect was going to happen?!?!?

Many would agree here just because "it felt right" was a silly thing to do. No common sense.

I'm telling it how it is doesn't make it trolling or bad advice. You don't like the cold hard truth and expect rainbows and unicorns. They messed up by rushing into things too quickly when there was no reason to do so. Now sitting there thinking "what happened.... what went wrong!?!?!" Now they are facing the consequences.

Rant over

@Shikkaka Good luck to you, hope you get it sorted but I guess you know deep down its not going to end up well and will be a difficult process.

 

[DrToffnar]

It's different for everyone though. You can't put a label of time on a relationship. Some people 'know' within the first few dates and it goes on to last a lifetime, others say the same and it ends after a month. Fair enough, you have a system and if it works for you then fine but everyone's different. People change. You have to be free to make those big decisions when it makes sense. It's all part of learning to live. It's very rarely the 'wrong' decision irrespective of time, regardless of how it may seem in retrospect to yourself and others. He's got a son who he obviously loves and I'm sure he wouldn't trade all the ill feeling, arguments and mental instability in the world for that.

 

[Hilly]

Erm no!

The guy got a woman pregnant in less than a year, who already had kids from a previous relationship. Now he's up poos creek. Like, what was they expect was going to happen?!?!?

Many would agree here just because "it felt right" was a silly thing to do. No common sense.

I'm telling it how it is doesn't make it trolling or bad advice. You don't like the cold hard truth and expect rainbows and unicorns. They messed up by rushing into things too quickly when there was no reason to do so. Now sitting there thinking "what happened.... what went wrong!?!?!" Now they are facing the consequences.

Rant over

@Shikkaka Good luck to you, hope you get it sorted but I guess you know deep down its not going to end up well and will be a difficult process.

It was more aimed at your awful puppy advice and your draconian views of how women should behave.

 

[413x]

I believe the 'are you sure it's yours?' comment was also in no way needed.

 

[McPhee]

I had one of the most amusing and unsettling moments of our relationship yesterday.

I was in the kitchen making dinner while my missus was on video chat with her mum. The discussion got a little heated. And her mum absolutely laid in to me, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the room. Among other things, she told my other half to ditch me and move back in to her house, with our daughter. But worse; this apparently wasn't some out of the blue fit of anger; it was accompanied by "I've been telling you this for over a year now, and you're not listening to me!"

I couldn't resist saying hello at that point

But yeah, awkwardness. I feel bad for the missus TBH. It seemed pretty clear from the call that her mum is piling on the pressure (over other things as well as this).

As for her mum, I already know I'm not hugely popular. Lockdown, in particular, has stained our relationship. She's always been... ahead of the curve on restrictions, shall we say. In turn, that has lead to a fair few arguments between the two of us.

 

[alx]

Trying for a baby with someone after only being with them for 6 months, don't live together and she already has two children? Perhaps wasn't the most sensible of ideas, while sometimes it does work out. I don't understand how people can make big life decisions (marriage, baby etc.) after knowing someone for less than a year. You don't really get to know someone till after you have lived together for a few months at least.

Agreed, in my experience you only really get to know someone during difficult and stressful times unfortunately. It's 'easy' to be happy and a great partner when things are going well. True colours come out when sacrifices have to be made.

 

[Steampunk]

I had one of the most amusing and unsettling moments of our relationship yesterday.

I was in the kitchen making dinner while my missus was on video chat with her mum. The discussion got a little heated. And her mum absolutely laid in to me, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the room. Among other things, she told my other half to ditch me and move back in to her house, with our daughter. But worse; this apparently wasn't some out of the blue fit of anger; it was accompanied by "I've been telling you this for over a year now, and you're not listening to me!"

I couldn't resist saying hello at that point

But yeah, awkwardness. I feel bad for the missus TBH. It seemed pretty clear from the call that her mum is piling on the pressure (over other things as well as this).

As for her mum, I already know I'm not hugely popular. Lockdown, in particular, has stained our relationship. She's always been... ahead of the curve on restrictions, shall we say. In turn, that has lead to a fair few arguments between the two of us.

Your wife needs to stand up to her mum in your defence. Otherwise your MIL will always be giving your wife grief over the fact she married you instead of someone your MIL likes. Your wife needs to make it clear to your MIL that this is not a topic for discussion, and leave if your MIL continues to badger her. You have to stand up to people, because you're the one your wife has chosen, and despite what they think, the parents don't get to make that choice.

I had a similar experience a long time ago, and the best way I found was to not engage. The girlfriend at the time was free to go and visit mum, go on holidays and trips, but I never went, and mum was not welcome in our home. Mum was constantly wheedling at girlfriend and trying to make ultimatums, but I was the reasonable one saying "of course you can see her, she's your mum, but after what she's said and done, I'm not going to see her and she can't be here. I'm hurt that you won't stand up to your mum the way I do for you when my mum starts sounding off".

In the end we repaired the relationship because I got a bit older and wiser, and gained the confidence to just dive in and give as good as I got. Ironically, the mum had exactly the same issues when she was younger with her mum not liking her husband for about the first 20 years.

 

[McPhee]

As odd as it may seem, I don't think it's personal. We used to get along. I think it's just loneliness, and the belief that she could be happy if only her daughter and grand-daughter lived with her. To that end, I'm the obstacle.

Lockdown hasn't helped, as there's just excuse after excuse as to why she can do as she pleases. I've had to tell her to leave our garden twice, alongside other more minor disagreements.

 

[Steampunk]

As odd as it may seem, I don't think it's personal. We used to get along. I think it's just loneliness, and the belief that she could be happy if only her daughter and grand-daughter lived with her. To that end, I'm the obstacle.

Lockdown hasn't helped, as there's just excuse after excuse as to why she can do as she pleases. I've had to tell her to leave our garden twice, alongside other more minor disagreements.

And she wants to break up her daughter's marriage because of that? That's a very toxic person. Your wife should be aware of that and respond accordingly. Being lonely it not an excuse, and all she's going to do is end up driving her family away by acting that way.

 

[Hades]

As odd as it may seem, I don't think it's personal. We used to get along. I think it's just loneliness, and the belief that she could be happy if only her daughter and grand-daughter lived with her. To that end, I'm the obstacle.

Lockdown hasn't helped, as there's just excuse after excuse as to why she can do as she pleases. I've had to tell her to leave our garden twice, alongside other more minor disagreements.

Sorry if this is a personal question and of course you don't have to answer. Is the MIL's loneliness because she is divorced or did her partner/husband pass away? If she is divorced then she may be jealous of her daughter being happy while her own relationship broke down. Either way it's not acceptable behaviour. I used to put up with similar from my wife's family while I always defended my wife to my own parents. But now I am older and wiser I wouldn't stand for it.

 

[Jonnybmac]

I had one of the most amusing and unsettling moments of our relationship yesterday.

I was in the kitchen making dinner while my missus was on video chat with her mum. The discussion got a little heated. And her mum absolutely laid in to me, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the room. Among other things, she told my other half to ditch me and move back in to her house, with our daughter. But worse; this apparently wasn't some out of the blue fit of anger; it was accompanied by "I've been telling you this for over a year now, and you're not listening to me!"

I couldn't resist saying hello at that point

But yeah, awkwardness. I feel bad for the missus TBH. It seemed pretty clear from the call that her mum is piling on the pressure (over other things as well as this).

As for her mum, I already know I'm not hugely popular. Lockdown, in particular, has stained our relationship. She's always been... ahead of the curve on restrictions, shall we say. In turn, that has lead to a fair few arguments between the two of us.

sounds like your misses is moaning to her mum to be fair. She won't hate you for no reason and it will usually be because she likes to use her mum to complain about you

 

[Nyvo]

So I mentioned this briefly in the Nervous Wait to Exchange thread in the Home section. I'm currently going through through the process of purchasing a home, there had been a hold up with Help to Buy however this has now cleared and the purchase can proceed. While I am purchasing the house myself, it was being purchased with the intention of it being my girlfriend and mines home. The house was chosen by the both of us, and was located in a place which was situated between where her brother currently lives, and where her parents are planning on moving to, whilst also being a good spot for us both to commute from into central London for work and back. My family are 270 miles away in the North East so didn't really come into the thought process.

The hold up on the purchase was sorted on Thursday. Today, we were meant to meet up for a picnic. It would have been the 2nd time we've seen each other since the lockdown started, the 1st time being last weekend where we also met for a picnic. We obviously socially distanced and both agreed that it sucked. The whole time she was upset that we couldn't hug or kiss each other, and remarked that she couldn't wait until next weekend (today) so that she could give me my birthday present (it is my birthday on the 27th) and telling me how much she loved me.

Well, today rolls around, I'm excited to see her and message her in the morning to confirm what time we are meeting up. She replies that meeting today isn't a good idea, that things aren't working and she doesn't know how she feels about me, and that she needs a week without communication. This was the first hint of any problems and obviously took me by surprise, she's hasn't communicated any issues, we've never argued once in our relationship, and really, I'm just really confused. I maybe jumped the gun a little in the other thread by saying time was called on the relationship, but I don't really see how anything could possibly work out well from this, especially, as mentioned, she's decided to do this over over birthday.

 

[Ayahuasca]

It's over either way to be honest. Even if she turns around in a week and says it's all good and she just needed some time, you'll always be questioning why and if she's going to have another similar episode.