Best man speech jokes. Help GD!

Soldato
Joined
20 Oct 2004
Posts
13,059
Location
Nottingham
"when I first found out I was pretty angry, it took a long time to get over the emotions, that feeling of protection you have for your best mate knowing they are going out with my sister, a complete dog.......no wait, thats the wrong way round!"
 

Deleted member 651465

D

Deleted member 651465

One that I wrote but didn't have the guts to say at my best man speech

"Now as you all know Samantha is a girl with expensive tastes, thankfully Matt could supply her with many a perl necklass"

I chickened out as her gran was sat right in front of me.

Good job you didn't, really.

It's spelt necklace. Tut tut ;)
 
Associate
Joined
11 Mar 2012
Posts
1,453
Location
North East
I have this duty soon.

This thread has confirmed to go with my initial plan , jot down some stories try and link them and see what is funny.

He was my best man a few months ago and was awesome!
 
Soldato
Joined
14 Oct 2003
Posts
7,831
"Before I begin I would like to take a moment to ask X's previous girlfriends to hand their keys back" *5 girls walk up and hand back keys.*
 
Caporegime
Joined
30 Jun 2007
Posts
68,770
Location
Wales
Ahhh <grooms name> seeing you sounded by all these people in suits today reminds me of the time you were in court for killing that hooker *chuckle*...Ahhh good times...stare off reminiscently.
 
Permabanned
Joined
23 Apr 2014
Posts
23,553
Location
Hertfordshire
Oh I forgot about the key one, I stole from someone who mentioned it here a while ago. I planted keys on several women throughout the day, including grandma and a pregnant woman (and one guy). At teh start of the speech I then asked all women with a spare key to the grooms chasitity belt/bedroom door to return them now that he is made a honest man. Everyone found it hilarious when a long line of women queued up to the top table to rturn their "key".

Sorry still not sibling related but funny none the less.

Christ thats as old as the hills.

The homophobic poem is bloody awful too.
 
Soldato
Joined
23 Feb 2009
Posts
4,978
Location
South Wirral
Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but…

she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Dec 2004
Posts
22,367
Location
S.Wales
"When I found my best mate, aiming for my sisters vagina, let me tell you....I thought it was going to end with me, in prison, for murder, but when I heard them say they were in LOVE, I was like........YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSS :)"
 
Associate
Joined
12 Jan 2010
Posts
1,879
"Some may think my best mate marrying my sister all sounds a bit incestous, but if you knew my sister and I well enough, you'd know what incest really is."
 
Back
Top Bottom