I don't know if I want kids or not

kinobestew123 · 27 Mar 2017 at 14:32

redrabbit29 said:
Went to the shop today. The trip alone made me thankful I don't have kids.

Some poor Mother had two young kids, one of which was a girl around 4 who was screaming and screaming. I was in the shop for about 20 minutes and heard her the entire time.

When I passed the Mother she seemed really calm and was speaking normally to the girl despite her continual, loud, ear shattering wailing.

Yet despite all this, you find very few people with grown up children who regret having had them.

postbox · 27 Mar 2017 at 15:02

My fiancé and I have to make a decision about not only when we are going to try, but as to whether we even attempt to as there could be serious future health implications if she comes off the medication she's on for MS. It does put things into perspective. Speaking of which I'm often surrounded by paediatric specialists so there's only ever stories of kids who aren't very well, I'd just be happy to have a healthy child, I do think some parents need reminding of that when they're whinging about insignificant issues.

Jay794 · 27 Mar 2017 at 15:15

Wife and I are in a similar situation, both 30 but concentrating on career first, so we can afford kids, well more so than now.

I just don't want to become one of those parents that say "kids are the best thing in my life" and the mums that have their occupation as "stay at home mum" makes me sick.

I definitely want kids, but there's more to life than kids.

I just struggle with the permanency of it, I didn't move out until I was 25, I don't want my kids to still be at home after 18

MookJong · 27 Mar 2017 at 15:36

So many people in this thread are talking about children as if they stay eternally under 10. Before you have a child you should ask if you want to create an adult, they might always be your child but the innocent stage only lasts a tiny proportion of their life. It wont be long before they have to face all the **** that every other adult has to go through on a daily basis.

So many peoples concern is about how a child will make them feel, how it will impact their lives. Not much talk of what the person you creates life might be like. The "they are cute" argument amazes me, this is life and death and your reasoning is because they look funny!

subbytna · 27 Mar 2017 at 15:50

Wasn't sure I wanted kids, but now when my twin boys (15 months) come toddling up to me with a 2 toothed grin and looking a cuddle, it makes me melt. You don't know love until you have children. Relationships are a different type of love, your own flesh and blood that you helped make, tha'ts a special kind of love.

redrabbit29 · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:32

kinobestew123 said:
Yet despite all this, you find very few people with grown up children who regret having had them.

That's just because they can't say to their 18 year old "yea sorry lovey but I wish I hadn't had you"

redrabbit29 · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:35

Edrof said:
The mother sounds like a trooper. It's VERY hard to keep your temper in that situation, but the child needs to not have attention or success while tantrumming otherwise the parent negatively reinforces the behaviour and shows the child that it is a legitimate route to getting what it wants.

Yea it was truely admirable and impressive.

When I passed her twice the daughter was wailing and screaming at full volume. The Mother was speaking in a very calm town stuff like "no, we spoke about this. Maybe later..." etc... she's a better person than me!

MookJong · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:36

subbytna said:
Wasn't sure I wanted kids, but now when my twin boys (15 months) come toddling up to me with a 2 toothed grin and looking a cuddle, it makes me melt.

No disrespect by my 3 year old niece makes my heart melt. She comes running up and gives me a massive hug if it's the first time she has seen me for a while. it feels fantastic, it's unconditional love and it makes me want to bundle her up and take her home. But at the same time I just can't get past the fact that this stage of her life is very temporary.

A lot of the adults in the family around her are not that happy, her mother and grandmother are on anti-depressants and I have watched the turbulence of marriages and relationships come crashing down within the families and friends around me. My wife and I are probably the happiest couple I know.

Life can be horribly tough, I think we should look after people who are already born and give them the best life they can have, of course. But I just don't think I could bring someone into this existence knowing what I know about life.

How do you rationalise that part or do you just not think about it or care? For me parenthood has to be like in nature or before contraception and our understanding it has to be accidental to make any sense because there is no logic behind it.

subbytna · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:37

Side note, when you become a parent your distraction ability becomes : MASTER level

Participant · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:39

Zethor said:
How can a child 'demand' anything?

The same way that anyone else demands things but doesn't get them. I think you've struggled to differentiate the words 'demand' and 'attain'.

subbytna · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:50

MookJong said:
No disrespect by my 3 year old niece makes my heart melt. She comes running up and gives me a massive hug if it's the first time she has seen me for a while. it feels fantastic, it's unconditional love and it makes me want to bundle her up and take her home. But at the same time I just can't get past the fact that this stage of her life is very temporary.

A lot of the adults in the family around her are not that happy, her mother and grandmother are on anti-depressants and I have watched the turbulence of marriages and relationships come crashing down within the families and friends around me. My wife and I are probably the happiest couple I know.

Life can be horribly tough, I think we should look after people who are already born and give them the best life they can have, of course. But I just don't think I could bring someone into this existence knowing what I know about life.

How to you rationalise that part or do you just not think about it or care? For me parenthood has to be like in nature or before contraception and our understanding it has to be accidental to make sense.

I understand what you're saying but your neice isn't your child. Until you are actually a parent yourself, you can't really know what it's like. For example, describing being a parent to someone who isn't a parent, is like trying to explain to a virgin what sex is like, until you've done it you THINK you know, but in reality you don't know until it happens to you.

I have neices and got cuddles from them but they are't my own kids, I haven't put the energy, time and love into them from the start, so I don't have that sort of a bond with them that I do with my own kids. That first smile they do or recognise you with a laugh is just amazing. Makes up for all the hard times and night feeds you had to do when they were little new babies. I'll throw this out there too....you never feel love like the unconditional love you get from your child walking up to you, knowing you're there for them to cuddle into.

Life is tough yes it is, but you can make your own little part of the universe as good as you can. I sympathise for those kids that have a "dysfunctional" family life, they will know no difference. However I can't dwell on them, I have an over riding desire to protect and nurture my own kids. This is my offspring that will carry on my genes after I'm gone and it's my duty to prepare them for adult life as I'll not always be here.

I understand those that don't want kids, I have twins and for the first year it was brutally difficult to the point I thought I didn't enjoy it. Do I miss my "singleton" freedom? God yes! To be able to go away for a weekend without looking babysitter is a hard one to get used to but it's balanced by the Alex and Lewis seeing me walk in from work and both runing over to mefighting to get the first hug. Those things outweigh the "getting away for a night on the lash" at my time of life.

I'm in my 40's now though and my going out every week/clubbing etc, are over. I've moved on and as such my desires to enjoy family life over partying have changed too. My idea of a good night is a bottle of wine and a film, and hopefully more than 6 hours sleep lol. I still get out every couple of months with the lads but when you're in your 40's the partying need soon starts to wane.

I think if you'd ask most parents on here would they, if given the chance, change their life so they didn't have their kid(s) Some would but most wouldn't change it for anything.

ebilcake · 27 Mar 2017 at 16:55

Not a fan, I come from a large family and they just **** me off, cheeky, disrespectful little *****, the lot of them.

I'm sure there not all like that but how you go about avoiding that turnout in the modern world I don't know.

Tone1979 · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:00

don't have them unless you know. Too many idiots these days have them for the sake of it.

Edrof · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:15

ebilcake said:
I'm sure there not all like that but how you go about avoiding that turnout in the modern world I don't know.

You need insight, self-analysis, endless patience, intelligence and pragmatism. And a good partner with the same. It is hard, hard work.

kinobestew123 · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:24

redrabbit29 said:
That's just because they can't say to their 18 year old "yea sorry lovey but I wish I hadn't had you"

I don't mean directly to their face in a nasty way. I mean that you hardly ever find parents of children who are grown up recommending to other potential parents not to have children and that it's the worst thing they ever did/they regret it.

Aedus · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:31

Jay794 said:
Wife and I are in a similar situation, both 30 but concentrating on career first, so we can afford kids, well more so than now.

I just don't want to become one of those parents that say "kids are the best thing in my life" and the mums that have their occupation as "stay at home mum" makes me sick.

I definitely want kids, but there's more to life than kids.

I just struggle with the permanency of it, I didn't move out until I was 25, I don't want my kids to still be at home after 18

Considered adoption?

Bassmansam · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:39

subbytna said:
I'm in my 40's now though and my going out every week/clubbing etc, are over. I've moved on and as such my desires to enjoy family life over partying have changed too. My idea of a good night is a bottle of wine and a film, and hopefully more than 6 hours sleep lol. I still get out every couple of months with the lads but when you're in your 40's the partying need soon starts to wane.

.

Slightly off topic but at 28 my idea of a good night is the same as yours. I still like to go out drinking now and then but not on a weekly basis. Never been into clubbing though, anyone else feel the same?

redrabbit29 · 27 Mar 2017 at 17:44

kinobestew123 said:
I don't mean directly to their face in a nasty way. I mean that you hardly ever find parents of children who are grown up recommending to other potential parents not to have children and that it's the worst thing they ever did/they regret it.

Yea sorry was just half joking with my post.

My brother is quite fair on this subject. He was 37 when he had his first child. He has two now (aged 2+4).

He and his wife still go on trips abroad to see friends, have a life away from their kids.

He says that having kids is one of his best achievements but they aren't for everyone. I think that pretty much sums up the whole debate.

I'm 33 in July so still a bit of time to think

malachi · 27 Mar 2017 at 18:16

I have never met any parent who has said they regret having kids BUT I have heard the odd "I wish I waited abit longer to have them"

413x · 27 Mar 2017 at 19:35

My parents have said best not to have kids lol.

Also, passing on various mental conditions (anxiety in some form or other runs in our family) could be bad. And as above (somewhere) that cute stage only lasts a little while. Teenagers suck.