The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Soldato
Joined
17 Jun 2004
Posts
3,691
There are insecurities and there is being sensible to protect yourself. I definitely don't trust any woman that says she is on the pill anymore, for example. :eek:

There are some very devious creatures out there.

Yes, that is very true but there are also insecurities about yourself that if you don't take time to normalise will case real problems in future relationships. Self worth as an example would be an insecurity that is very likely after a break up.
 
Caporegime
Joined
13 Jan 2010
Posts
32,495
Location
Llaneirwg
I genuinely don't think my ex or my gf would have done the dishonest thing.
Not denying my gf could change her mind, but don't think she (or most) would do the dishonest thing.
 
Soldato
Joined
17 Jan 2006
Posts
4,211
New relationships after a long term relationship failing are hard, you are kind of set up with a boat load of insecurities. Best to take some time by yourself, in your case valve90210 you relationship will not end till she has moved out. Been there in the past and believe me, that is when you start to move on.

That's why I'm keen on her finally moving out, I know it'll be awful not seeing my son everyday but I'll finally be able to move on.
 
Associate
Joined
12 Aug 2004
Posts
283
Location
London
Until last night I was really starting to hate dating...

Anyone had any experience of having been on a date and suspecting that the woman was lying about something?

A little context, I went on a date with a girl from Australia a couple of weeks ago. For the majority of the date she was speaking with an Australian accent and I didn't think anything of it, but as the date went on and the more she drank, hints of an English accent kept coming out and by the time we were leaving the pub and on the walk to the train she was pretty much speaking with a perfect English accent! I did mention it and she said that when she drinks she pretends to be English and can't stop herself... I haven't seen her again but it was just a bit odd, lol.

The next date after that with someone else I must have had a shocker as she blocked my number on WhatsApp the morning after... felt that was a little harsh.

And then, I had a date last night which was actually really lovely and a great laugh. We both probably got a little bit too drunk, but thankfully she sent me a message this morning saying she'd like to see me again. :)
 
Associate
Joined
29 May 2003
Posts
2,038
Location
Cambridge
I think after that long a relationship I dunno if I would be able to go into it again. It's silly, but I'd probably end up mentally trying to weigh up the risk of hurt with the life of being on your own you.
Dunno what I'd do.
Think would be even harder when you add baggage, be it kids, financial etc. At the moment have no financial ties to anyone, but later in life that will happen, I can avoid the kids tie which must make things so much easier

I do believe that you can find a good relationship that lasts a lifetime, but level headed enough that you're probably more unlikely to find that than not. - have no idea if that's true.
I know what you mean - I'm in no rush to find another partner. I'm kind of getting used to being able to say to mates when we're arranging a beer session "I'm sorted, give me a time and a place and I'll be there", while they have to run around clearing it with their wives/arranging for babysitters for the kids etc. Single life does have its perks!

What I mean is when I do find someone I think I can trust - who convinces me of that by her actions - I'll go with it and see what happens. The baggage that I'll come with will be mostly down to the fact my trust in women has taken a real hammering of late (one woman in particular :rolleyes:), and there will be a certain degree of trepidation on my part in the future, but that's just something I'll have to deal with. I can't pre-judge everyone by my wife's standards, although I admit I am now more cynical about the whole relationships thing if I'm honest, having been an idealist for most of my adult life.

As far as relationships that last a lifetime are concerned, I thought I had that - for 23 of our 25 years together we were utterly devoted to and adored each other and were inseparable - but all it takes is for the slightest bit of complacency or resentment to get a hold and if you don't deal with it, it festers.
 
Soldato
Joined
3 Oct 2009
Posts
19,892
Location
Wales
I know what you mean - I'm in no rush to find another partner. I'm kind of getting used to being able to say to mates when we're arranging a beer session "I'm sorted, give me a time and a place and I'll be there", while they have to run around clearing it with their wives/arranging for babysitters for the kids etc. Single life does have its perks!

This, some of my mates are a bit jealous of my ability to do whatever the hell I want right now :p

I'm in a good place right now, 5 months on from my breakup (time flies :eek:). Bought my own house which I'm doing up, building a new circle of friends through mountain biking which is great, and seeing a girl on weekends who has no interests in being in a serious relationship either but wants to (in her own words) "hang out and hook up" :D :D
 
Caporegime
Joined
13 Jan 2010
Posts
32,495
Location
Llaneirwg
Yeah I had that sort of baggage too in my current relationship.. Less sound now than initially.
Part of it was her being anxious about living with me part of it me knowing things can change in an instant permanently.

It's easy to think 'it'll never happen to me'.

That said, I now know it could happen, and unlike last time, I will always keep myself in a place where break up doesn't equal loss of everything.
When I broke up with my ex for example I had no friends. I won't let that happen again.

I also learnt what sort of person doesn't work for me.

So the baggage is a double edge sword, allows you to know what could happen and prepare for it, but can make you more uncertain and harder to trust.

Unfortunately I've never been interested in 'hooking up'. So I will likely either be single and on my own or with someone exclusively. Can't ever see myself able to do no strings attached.
 
Soldato
Joined
3 Oct 2009
Posts
19,892
Location
Wales
That said, I now know it could happen, and unlike last time, I will always keep myself in a place where break up doesn't equal loss of everything.
When I broke up with my ex for example I had no friends. I won't let that happen again.

This is very important to me this time around. Since I moved over to Wales 5 years ago I've moved around fairly frequently and not had the time to build up a good circle of friends, and then with my ex I ended up just being friends with all her friends/friends' partners.

Unfortunately I've never been interested in 'hooking up'. So I will likely either be single and on my own or with someone exclusively. Can't ever see myself able to do no strings attached.

It's not been something I've really looked for before and previously I've thought I'd get too attached. This has been different though, I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship when I met up with her but felt I was ready and was open to the thought of it. However after meeting up a couple of times, and admittedly after sleeping together, I realised I wasn't mentally/emotionally ready for a relationship. I fessed up straight away as I had no intention of leading anyone on but turned out she ended a much longer relationship a similar amount of time ago and didn't want anything serious yet either. Must be about 6 weeks now that we've been seeing each other about once a week for a day/night and I'm comfortable in the fact that whilst I find her attractive and we are good company, I'm not attached to her or developing deeper feelings. Ultimately we do more than just meet up for a **** and go our separate ways but yet it doesn't feel the same as being in a relationship.

I'm not sure I can put into words exactly how it seems in my head but that's the gist...

Frankly i'm enjoying it and I don't see any reason not to carry on until either I stop enjoying it (hah, never :p) or one of us gets serious with someone else. I'm not dating other people at the moment as I simply don't have the time!
 
Soldato
Joined
19 Feb 2010
Posts
13,249
Location
London
Good example of the egging-on thing tonight on my commute home. 3 women going on about having babies and using family life to phase into part time and then giving up work altogether.

I wonder if they have consulted their partners about this... :rolleyes:
 
Soldato
Joined
7 Jan 2009
Posts
6,358
So guys whats your take on this.

She says = "We just see how it goes,continue to see what happens"

So guys would you say this is a classic sign of,I dont want u right now,But maybe il keep you on the back burner? OR see if you grow on me etc :D

We have known each other for 3 years?,before i told her i liked her like 6 months ago..been out doing stuff on several occasions,apparently she likes me too but im not so sure about that,wish she would just be honest.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jun 2013
Posts
9,315
So guys whats your take on this.

She says = "We just see how it goes,continue to see what happens"

So guys would you say this is a classic sign of,I dont want u right now,But maybe il keep you on the back burner? OR see if you grow on me etc :D

We have known each other for 3 years?,before i told her i liked her like 6 months ago..been out doing stuff on several occasions,apparently she likes me too but im not so sure about that,wish she would just be honest.

If you don't see her much and she's bailing on you regularly, then it's keeping you on the back burner. If you're spending lots of time together, then it's a case of seeing how it goes and what develops, with no preconceptions or expectations. If you want her to be honest, then be honest yourself and tell her what you want and ask her what she wants. If she's not ready to commit, then spending time together will help decide things.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
I never thought I'd be posting this, but I literally have no one to advise about things like this offline. I've been with my partner for seven years. We've been engaged for two and were hoping to marry within the next 18 months. I recently returned to university as a mature student (35) and discussed the implications of this with my partner before hand. In short, it was decided that it was a good idea and she encouraged me to do it. Roll on two months and we go out for a meal together. I could tell something wasn't right from the off. She was very quiet and distant. We arrive home and I ask her to tell me what's wrong. It was like getting blood from a stone. It turns out that she doesn't love me as much as she used to, and worse, that she resents having to pay some of the bills while I'm studying. She also implied that she wants to have children earlier than I want to and that she feels our relationship is directionless, whilst all her friends are married and have kids. This came as a complete shock, so much so that even now I don't know how to mentally process what she has said. I only returned to uni to better myself and ultimately build a better life for us both in the future. All of my plans involve her, and now I think I've lost her.

I honestly thought our relationship was stronger and that we could discuss any issues rather than bottling them up. I asked her if she still loves me and she said "well, yes." I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend. It's like I've spent almost a decade getting to know someone only to find out I hardly know them at all.

/emotional-vent

Advice, hugs.....beer, welcomed.
 
Soldato
Joined
17 Oct 2002
Posts
5,538
I never thought I'd be posting this, but I literally have no one to advise about things like this offline. I've been with my partner for seven years. We've been engaged for two and were hoping to marry within the next 18 months. I recently returned to university as a mature student (35) and discussed the implications of this with my partner before hand. In short, it was decided that it was a good idea and she encouraged me to do it. Roll on two months and we go out for a meal together. I could tell something wasn't right from the off. She was very quiet and distant. We arrive home and I ask her to tell me what's wrong. It was like getting blood from a stone. It turns out that she doesn't love me as much as she used to, and worse, that she resents having to pay some of the bills while I'm studying. She also implied that she wants to have children earlier than I want to and that she feels our relationship is directionless, whilst all her friends are married and have kids. This came as a complete shock, so much so that even now I don't know how to mentally process what she has said. I only returned to uni to better myself and ultimately build a better life for us both in the future. All of my plans involve her, and now I think I've lost her.

I honestly thought our relationship was stronger and that we could discuss any issues rather than bottling them up. I asked her if she still loves me and she said "well, yes." I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend. It's like I've spent almost a decade getting to know someone only to find out I hardly know them at all.

/emotional-vent

Advice, hugs.....beer, welcomed.

Hate to get all Tosno alpha male on you, but men are seen as providers in our society and you being dependent has made you less attractive. The comment about her friends settling down hints that she's discussed this and probable advice was 'kick that dead beat down the road'. Nothing more vicious than a group of women!

I'd lay my cards on the table, what "we" are working towards and if she just wants instant gratification walk, sort your career out solo and then get a stunning new girl once you're the 'provider' again.

Gotta love feminism.
 
Caporegime
Joined
13 Jan 2010
Posts
32,495
Location
Llaneirwg
Yeah sounds like it's a done deal I'm afraid buddy. And like you probably know it's been in her head for a while. Could be peer pressure, could be the money, could be anything else or probably a combination of them all.

It's extra horrible that it comes when you've put what may now be yourself in a vulnerable financial position. 7 years is horrible amount of time to spend with someone and they just drop it like it was nothing .

At least you know that this woman wouldn't stand by you through much, even when she knew what was coming. Was she used to you paying for most things?

If you're in Lincolnshire area I'd happily go for a beer. I know what it's like to have no friends and this bombshell dropped!

Hopefully you can continue on your studies and concentrate on that, improving yourself, and that you've got rid of someone who wouldn't stick by you and help you better yourself!
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
Hate to get all Tosno alpha male on you, but men are seen as providers in our society and you being dependent has made you less attractive. The comment about her friends settling down hints that she's discussed this and probable advice was 'kick that dead beat down the road'. Nothing more vicious than a group of women!

I'd lay my cards on the table, what "we" are working towards and if she just wants instant gratification walk, sort your career out solo and then get a stunning new girl once you're the 'provider' again.

Gotta love feminism.

Sucks, because I looked after her for years and she knows that what's mine is hers. I agree with you about the career. It's tough thinking with my head and not my heart at this moment in time. The last thing I want is for it to affect my studies.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
Yeah sounds like it's a done deal I'm afraid buddy. And like you probably know it's been in her head for a while. Could be peer pressure, could be the money, could be anything else or probably a combination of them all.

It's extra horrible that it comes when you've put what may now be yourself in a vulnerable financial position. 7 years is horrible amount of time to spend with someone and they just drop it like it was nothing .

At least you know that this woman wouldn't stand by you through much, even when she knew what was coming. Was she used to you paying for most things?

If you're in Lincolnshire area I'd happily go for a beer. I know what it's like to have no friends and this bombshell dropped!

Hopefully you can continue on your studies and concentrate on that, improving yourself, and that you've got rid of someone who wouldn't stick by you and help you better yourself!


Cheers for the offer:) I'm up in Newcastle though.

Just to add another dynamic to this, she wants me to attend a wedding with her tommorrow. Its been planned for a long time and she says she wants me there, but I'm damned if I'm going to be made a mug of.
 
Caporegime
Joined
23 Apr 2014
Posts
29,256
Location
Dominating rooms with symmetry
Focus on yourself man, absolutely no point staying with a woman who's not supportive of you trying to gain a better life for you both, end it before she does as she's basically already done that with what she's told you.

Like most people these days it seems she's focusing on the lives of those around her to make a baseline for her own, if she's 30+ as well she's going to find out the grass isn't greener.
 
Last edited:
Soldato
Joined
12 Jan 2006
Posts
5,610
Location
UK
The comment about the bills would have me running. Sounds like the type of woman who is happy to be married and spend money as long as it isn't her money.

Do her friends have kids and not work?
 
Back
Top Bottom