The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Neil79]

Mag to grid. I wouldn't stand that!

You don't deserve that sort of relationship.

When you mention that she was joking about a comment she made, she wasn't, but took it personally instead of saying sorry. The world revolves around herself.

I just had to do it, I broke up with her this week and I'm crossing between guilt, sadness and freedom of the way I was treated!


- Right from the start she was very clingy, begging to see me all the time and getting frustrated that I didn't see her enough, yet I was trying my utmost to spend nearly all week with her and through the most part I could just about manage because it made her happy. But things were about to go down hill and more than once did this happen. The first time it didn't matter what I did, even though she was happy and I was happy for example dancing together and kissing, the next day I'd get a text that I'd done something wrong! For example at one point she was angry at me because I gave some of our left over sweats to my family and that she bought them and I had no right to give them to anyone else... It didn't matter that we had an amazing time at an event, all that mattered to her were the sweats!

- I went to a hall both wearing costumes for a laugh and even when we came home ahem laughing with chocolate ( I'll say no more ), I again got a message as soon as I got home that I should've not have had fun like that and I was childish?!? ( She was doing it to ), what happened to that amazing time in each others arms.

- I had to put up with nearly a year of dealing with her trying to get a divorce from her cheating husband and she found it worrying to leave fully on occasions, because he was paying her phone bill and car... She did finally have a divorce but would tell me on many occasions it was final ( 3 times or more over so many months ), only many weeks later to say yep it's final again with new proof. The first time I was overjoyed for her but again she texted later that I wasn't happy enough and I should've taken her for a drink 0-o ( Again I couldn't do anything right )

- This came up again later when she brought her ex up and I only mentioned after she previously did over the paper work being final, because they kept on messing us and her around and she said yes it is deffo final now. Thus that night we were laughing, watched a fantastic movie and were in each others arms like nothing could get in the way....... I woke up that morning and found out she had texted my mum saying was the proof enough to be a part of the family. ( Nothing about last night, nothing about the time we shared ). My mum always got on with her, but she wanted more of our family time ( Me and my GF weren't married or living together )

- She also kept on going on about this damn bloke who she swore it was just a friend! But the first time we broke up ( I didn't break up with her ) I was unhapppy she went out to dinner with him and posted all the amazing food on her profile.. Funny I didn't get much of that but it did hurt she was having dinner with another guy and the fact she wanted to go over to his house 0-o

- Second time we broke up was over a big argument, because I phoned her up one day and she was in the same town he was and she could not only give me a straight answer to the friend she was with but nothing else made sense. This became a trust issue, she was hugely jealous of any woman being kind towards me even at a shop " Thanks love " one person went in a shop and she was angry over it, but hey atleast I didn't have dinner!

- We got back together again in the hopes things would change, we would give each other a bit more freedom but remain loyal and understand each other. It was fantastic for awhile, our love grew strong and there times when I said I could spend my life with this girl! But then it changed again - The texts started again that I'd done this that and the other wrong, the day after we had an amazing weekend. I was also being brought down too.... To say to me at one point regarding Christmas " I hope the presents you got me I like, I will like those presents wont I, are you sure i'll like them ". Really hurt as!

- I even got told off once because I purchased a bunch of stuff and I should've known she might've liked some of it and that by right it should've been hers! - Also going into a shop once and she picked up a dress and she got the hump because she liked it, I should've purchased it for her

- She wasn't well one day with a headache and was resting, so I told her to rest well and to get well soon and I'd talk to her later to see if she was ok. She had a right go at me AGAIN BY BLOODY TEXT that evening that I'd done photography on my way home, that I didn't tell her, that I didn't tell her where and I should've known she liked doing it. Even though she was resting. ( Again I could do no wrong, I ended up being afraid to answer the phone or txts )

- We again went out and had an amazing time, I came home feeling top of the world that love feeling people get when two are meant to be I guess? Ended up arguing over money and that I'd had accidentally spent some of hers it was only £3! When I wanted to treat her to snacks such as coke and popcorn. ( She told me to look after her money, I just forgot I put it in with mine as I paid £6) but I didn't get anything back that I loved her so much, that all that mattered was being with her, all that mattered to her was that £3 it was HERS, even though I said I'd look for it and pay her back the next day

It just went on and on - I wont lie to you, through all this I loved her but I also felt trapped, every time we spent time together those amazing moments I would watch my messages or texts waiting for that DING you did this, you didn't do that, over the smallest of things. Perhaps it was her BPD, but I broke up with her and yet still it's all my fault ( Nobody is a saint I had my moments), but I was never nasty to her, always told her she was beautiful, always praised her but I never knew what would happen if I came home.

 

[secretspy]

Sounds like you definitely made the right decision Neil79! You can't carry on in a relationship like that.

Not quite the same scenarios but one of my exes was very good at pulling me down and making me feel like things were my fault. It got so toxic and violent (him towards me) that it took a long time for me to bounce back.

You gave it more than enough chances and life's too short to be holding onto something that's obviously not right

 

[Roar87]

You actually just need to learn how to deal with women when they throw up these little "tests", it's actually dead easy. If a girl starts an irrational argument over nothing you tell her to get a grip and move on, tell her you can't be bothered to argue about petty meaningless crap. If she continues then you ignore her until she apologises. You call your mates and go to the pub, or you go home and play video games, or go to the gym. You do not let it phase you at all and you ignore her until you receive an apology. Period.

What you don't do is apologise (you look weak, why are you apologising over pathetic crap?), or validate her meaningless crap by getting dragged into an argument (you again look weak and pathetic). The culmination of looking weak and pathetic by doing the aforementioned points is that she is no longer attracted to you because she doesn't respect you as a man and the relationship ends.

 

[Neil79]

Sounds like you definitely made the right decision Neil79! You can't carry on in a relationship like that.

Not quite the same scenarios but one of my exes was very good at pulling me down and making me feel like things were my fault. It got so toxic and violent (him towards me) that it took a long time for me to bounce back.

You gave it more than enough chances and life's too short to be holding onto something that's obviously not right

Thank you Secret Spy, that's the word I was looking for " Toxic Relationship "

Here's one for you, we went into a food place and I got this after buying lunch

"Are you ok paying for this? - You need to tell me as I might EXPECT it"

 

[Neil79]

You actually just need to learn how to deal with women when they throw up these little "tests", it's actually dead easy. If a girl starts an irrational argument over nothing you tell her to get a grip and move on, tell her you can't be bothered to argue about petty meaningless crap. If she continues then you ignore her until she apologises. You call your mates and go to the pub, or you go home and play video games, or go to the gym. You do not let it phase you at all and you ignore her until you receive an apology. Period.

What you don't do is apologise (you look weak, why are you apologising over pathetic crap?), or validate her meaningless crap by getting dragged into an argument (you again look weak and pathetic). The culmination of looking weak and pathetic by doing the aforementioned points is that she is no longer attracted to you because she doesn't respect you as a man and the relationship ends.

Oh believe me I tried, REALLY REALLY HARD! Have you dealt with someone with BPD? These irrational arguments were happening again and again and again. Of all the times they were happening was right after we had a good time. I'm sorry but if you went out time and time again with someone such as dinner, dancing or a good movie and felt a strong love for someone only to come back to a little "test" it would start to grate. By the way I ended the relationship :/

 

[Roar87]

Oh believe me I tried, REALLY REALLY HARD! Have you dealt with someone with BPD? These irrational arguments were happening again and again and again. Of all the times they were happening was right after we had a good time. I'm sorry but if you went out time and time again with someone such as dinner, dancing or a good movie and felt a strong love for someone only to come back to a little "test" it would start to grate

Yes but eventually the tests go away. How did you deal with the above? I would've personally told her to contact me when she's ready to treat me with respect and act like a rational adult, I would've then gone and played PUBG with my friends for the evening and maybe checked my phone before I went to sleep.

 

[Neil79]

Yes but eventually the tests go away. How did you deal with the above? I would've personally told her to contact me when she's ready to treat me with respect and act like a rational adult, I would've then gone and played PUBG with my friends for the evening and maybe checked my phone before I went to sleep.

Well half the time my phone would've gone off, texting via mobile or messaging so playing PUBG would not have been much fun. On the odd occasion I said sorry but other times I'd argue it out with her that it was pointless what she was saying. Yes maybe I should've taken more control, but there's only so much in the way of tests I could put up. We've been together ups and downs for nearly 1 and a half years

The tests never went away!

 

[Roar87]

Well half the time my phone would've gone off, texting via mobile or messaging so playing PUBG would not have been much fun. On the odd occasion I said sorry but other times I'd argue it out with her that it was pointless what she was saying. Yes maybe I should've taken more control, but there's only so much in the way of tests I could put up. We've been together ups and downs for nearly 1 and a half years

The tests never went away!

They never went away because you didn't address them in the correct manner. So what if she's messaging you? Just ignore the phone, put it on silent, go offline or whatever. Speak to her the next day. Don't apologise for things when you haven't really done anything wrong, £3 isn't worth an argument, you know this, it's not rational, so why justify it with a response? Tell her to grow up and don't let it affect your mood. Tell her you won't be put in a bad mood by £3 and then turn your phone off and go watch some TV. These are things you HAVE TO DO. Failing that just ditch her and find a girl who's slightly less crazy, but they all are a little bit especially if you facilitate it.

 

[Orcish-Horde]

Oh believe me I tried, REALLY REALLY HARD! Have you dealt with someone with BPD? These irrational arguments were happening again and again and again. Of all the times they were happening was right after we had a good time. I'm sorry but if you went out time and time again with someone such as dinner, dancing or a good movie and felt a strong love for someone only to come back to a little "test" it would start to grate. By the way I ended the relationship :/

I have and he is correct on what he is saying, BPD relationships end once you put the foot down and stop making things work. She was not testing you she is lashing out before(in her mind) something goes wrong, because that is what happens when things are going well or her mental health got the better of her. She was doing the lad she had dinner with, you should have walking the first time she switched on you. BorderLine Personality disorder is where mental health condishions are not fully identified. It could be a mix of differing condishions, there is nothing but problems once they have you hooked. You got luck she was not masking it.

 

[Neil79]

I have and he is correct on what he is saying, BPD relationships end once you put the foot down and stop making things work. She was not testing you she is lashing out before(in her mind) something goes wrong, because that is what happens when things are going well or her mental health got the better of her. She was doing the lad she had dinner with, you should have walking the first time she switched on you. BorderLine Personality disorder is where mental health condishions are not fully identified. It could be a mix of differing condishions, there is nothing but problems once they have you hooked. You got luck she was not masking it.

Can you explain that more clearly? So basically when she had dinner with that guy I should've walked then? Also in regards to not testing me, you said it's because things were going well that basically her mind was lashing out in a negative way?

So how did you deal with your relationship and BPD

ps She was diagnosed with BPD and tried to take that diagnoses off and asked to be checked for Autism, she was again diagnosed with BPD, much to her disgust

 

[Steampunk]

editing post

You over-romaticised the relationship, put her on a pedestal, and she basically ground you down to control you. Maybe part of that was because of how her ex-husband cheated on her, but in the end, instead of building you up, she tore you down so that she would always be in control of you.

That's no life, to be scared of the next step being wrong, to be frightened of her next text or call, constant explosions of anger and drama. Life is too short for that crap.

 

[Roar87]

Can you explain that more clearly? So basically when she had dinner with that guy I should've walked?

You do know that guy was her ex-husband and she probably cheated on you?

 

[Steampunk]

Can you explain that more clearly? So basically when she had dinner with that guy I should've walked then? Also in regards to not testing me, you said it's because things were going well that basically her mind was lashing out in a negative way?

So how did you deal with your relationship and BPD

ps She was diagnosed with BPD and tried to take that diagnoses off and asked to be checked for Autism, she was again diagnosed with BPD, much to her disgust

In the end she would have kept pushing. Taking Roar's advice would been just as likely that she would have upped the ante. Slept with her friend, then claimed it was your fault for not answering the phone. When you dumped her for infidelity, it just would have proved to her that you were going to leave her anyway. You can't win with those types of people because they don't want to make things work and be happy, they want conflict and drama, because without it they don't feel that anything you might do or say is honest or real. Ultimately they don't love themselves, and can't believe you when you tell them that you love them.

 

[Neil79]

You over-romaticised the relationship, put her on a pedestal, and she basically ground you down to control you. Maybe part of that was because of how her ex-husband cheated on her, but in the end, instead of building you up, she tore you down so that she would always be in control of you.

That's no life, to be scared of the next step being wrong, to be frightened of her next text or call, constant explosions of anger and drama. Life is too short for that crap.

In the end she would have kept pushing. Taking Roar's advice would been just as likely that she would have upped the ante. Slept with her friend, then claimed it was your fault for not answering the phone. When you dumped her for infidelity, it just would have proved to her that you were going to leave her anyway. You can't win with those types of people because they don't want to make things work and be happy, they want conflict and drama, because without it they don't feel that anything you might do or say is honest or real. Ultimately they don't love themselves, and can't believe you when you tell them that you love them.

Thank you so much, I agree with everything you said, and saying she tore me down so that she would always be in control of you.. Sounds so much like her

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Oh well, I’ve done something I said I’d do and just posted a Christmas card off to my parents-in-law. Felt like the right thing to do as I have no quarrel with them - oddly enough, I had a text from my father-in-law over the weekend asking how I was and passing on some gossip he’d heard about one of our favourite pubs.

Will probably annoy my wife, but I’m past caring at the moment. I haven’t had one from her, so consequently I haven’t sent her one either. Given that she only speaks to me a) when she wants something or b) bumps into me face-to-face in Tescos - and let’s face it, we’re married in name only - I don’t see why I should bother.

 

[Stolly]

Yes but eventually the tests go away. How did you deal with the above? I would've personally told her to contact me when she's ready to treat me with respect and act like a rational adult, I would've then gone and played PUBG with my friends for the evening and maybe checked my phone before I went to sleep.

Having spent a year with someone with possible bpd I can confirm that the “tests” or arguments out of nowhere never go away. They just get blamed on you. Interestingly I met the Bloke who came after me. He lasted a year too, and said she was crazy.

 

[Ayahuasca]

@Neil79 So many red flags in your initial post and you handled pretty much all of them the wrong way, was this your first long term relationship?

Don’t put yourself through a relationship like that even if she’s a 10/10 in the sheets. Also get comfortable with handling conflict with some respect for yourself, giving in or trying to nice your way out of it isn’t going to work.

 

[ahar]

What @Steampunk said. People like that love conflict and drama and are just not worth it.

 

[Neil79]

@Neil79 So many red flags in your initial post and you handled pretty much all of them the wrong way, was this your first long term relationship?

Don’t put yourself through a relationship like that even if she’s a 10/10 in the sheets. Also get comfortable with handling conflict with some respect for yourself, giving in or trying to nice your way out of it isn’t going to work.

Why? Also yes.... My first relationship had issues from a previous relationship, my second because she was controlling and aggressive towards her father, my third was an alcoholic and BPD ( Found out about the alcohol later ) her baby was taken from her due to the way she was, and this one I thought was the one, lasted a year and a half. You say I did it the wrong way, but also to say I shouldn't put myself through a relationship like that, is it because I was the one being controlled and I let it happen?

 

[Narj]

Why? Also yes.... My first relationship had issues from a previous relationship, my second because she was controlling and aggressive towards her father, my third was an alcoholic and BPD ( Found out about the alcohol later ) her baby was taken from her due to the way she was, and this one I thought was the one, lasted a year and a half. You say I did it the wrong way, but also to say I shouldn't put myself through a relationship like that, is it because I was the one being controlled and I let it happen?

I think you should just get a dog instead if it's practical. Far less hassle.