The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Man of Honour
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The key to this seems to be to study hard and pass that exam. It should open the door to better paid jobs. I agree with Roar's point of focusing on this, along with doing more around the house.

If you pass your exams, get better employment, and the arguments don't stop then you have your answer. If they do stop then you also have your answer.

But the lack of sex is a big red flag either way. What will probably happen is that you will do it more when trying for kids. Then she won't be interested again. You'll be facing a sexless marriage and unable to get out of it without being financially destroyed.
 
Soldato
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Some very good helpful advice thanks guys and Hades.
I will study more I need to and want to pass this course.
I'll try really hard to be calm in arguments.
Sex ain't a big issue for me as I don't have a big sex drive at all and the fact we don't have sex much is not making me upset. My partner enjoys it but her body confidence really holds her back. I enjoy the gym and she used to go with me but stopped, but she has signed up again and I'll be going with her.
 
Caporegime
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Some very good helpful advice thanks guys and Hades.
I will study more I need to and want to pass this course.
I'll try really hard to be calm in arguments.
Sex ain't a big issue for me as I don't have a big sex drive at all and the fact we don't have sex much is not making me upset. My partner enjoys it but her body confidence really holds her back. I enjoy the gym and she used to go with me but stopped, but she has signed up again and I'll be going with her.

With your sex drive etc be very sure that it' w you want. Its possible your head is telling you 'I'm OK with this' as a way to Cope. Not saying it's the case but it could be.

100pc sort your finances. And self before committing to the big ties in life you are lining up
 
Soldato
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With your sex drive etc be very sure that it' w you want. Its possible your head is telling you 'I'm OK with this' as a way to Cope. Not saying it's the case but it could be.

100pc sort your finances. And self before committing to the big ties in life you are lining up

I agree with this advice here in all honesty.

Given the amount of upset in this thread - I just wanted to add something positive.

Around 4 years ago, I went through a massive deperession phase, along with an eating disorder. I ended up cutting, and going a little bit off the rails, even thought about using a rope. My girlfriend at the time was sucking my emotions dry, moved in with my Mum without telling me becuase she got caught stealing (I didn't find this out until she was there 2 months!) and generally liked the argue and had no feelings towards her at all. \I\t was all very toxic. Wind forward a year, I got a bit of help, felt a bit more human I suppose - I kept myself busy riding my motorcycle and playing (too many) games. Felt kind of happy the beginning of this year, I wanted to start dating but didn't have much luck at all, which kinda knocked me a bit. The prevous place I was working was going downhill and I needed to move to keep my sanity. I moved jobs March this year with the intention of progressing - never really thought about meeting anyone really because I just wanted to work as such.

Anyway, turns out I would meet someone - this someone I didn't really think would exist. In the sense that i'm a little weird, OCD is just the cusp of it. I remember when meeting her, my mum tried to kill herself twice and got sectioned. For some odd reason I felt compelled to tell this new person all about it, we got talking and I told her about all the other things what have happened - She also told me about what she has gone through which I could relate. I stopped talking to her for a week or two, because I was a bit scared to ask her out, in the fear of rejection. In the end, we ended up going to a BBQ together and things kind of just flowed. It was weird because i've never really felt anything towards another Woman before (Sex was just sex etc...) without any sort of emotion. I still find myself caught out as such now, because I get flutters yet an overwhelming sense of calmness when i'm around her. When we do mudane things like shopping, I actually enjoy it. It's a bit like she has unknowningly added colour to my life - all at the same time me not knowing that someoen could do that, yet when holding her I can't describe the feeling. We seem to be able to understand each other on a deep level - finish sentences, and like a lot of the same things. I mean there are differences, but our core values are all the same, she is definately my best friend.
Going forwards to now - We are hitting the 6 month mark, I have now moved in with her (I spent at least 4 days a week with her anyway for 3 months) and yes I have down days due to my OCD, as does she. But she understands as I do her. I can honestly say that I now know that someone can completely change your life for the better, make you the best version of yourself and make you feel completely electrified inside. Little things like holding hands, cuddling, time seems to stop.
I didn't know how love felt, and I truly feel that this is it. Deep down, there are no doubts inside. We are planning a holiday to Disney World next year, I never thought that would be happening to me.

All i'm trying to say is that, whatever dark you're going through. Don't give up, no matter how hard it is, the moment you give up on yourself (Like I almost did) you'll never give yourself a change to fix yourself and then find what you are looking for. I honestly count my blessings when I wake up every morning, because without picking up the pieces of my prevous relationship, depression OCD then I wouldn't be here. There is someone for everyone, and you'll cross paths with them eventually and it'll be unexpected.
The main thing to do is to work on yourself, and things will come. I know it's easy to say, and I was told it many times before. But write the things down what are wrong, writing can help, then write the things you would like to change and work on each of those points through the course of a few weeks - while noting down how you feel. When you look back at those pages in a few months you might not see a massive change, but i'm sure there will be a change in the things that you are talking about.
 
Soldato
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I'm happy everything is going well for you russell, but I worry that if you allow other people to be responsible for your personal happiness, then what happens if something goes wrong in your relationship? You're quickly back to square one with the added grief of losing someone you loved for whatever reason.
 
Soldato
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Thank you :)
I'm happy everything is going well for you russell, but I worry that if you allow other people to be responsible for your personal happiness, then what happens if something goes wrong in your relationship? You're quickly back to square one with the added grief of losing someone you loved for whatever reason.

I think I have worded it a bit wrong in that sense. Before I met anyone, I was pretty happy with myself. I kept myself busy, the reason I was struggling was due to work falling apart and my mum not being well. That said, perhaps talking about those things helped, even if it was mainly an excercise to see if she would be turned off. Even if I didn't meet her, I know that I would be on a steady keel just getting on with life sort of thing.
I mean, when in a relationship your other half is a massive part of your life - You end up doing things to keep you both happy, rather than just yourself. I have taken two kids on, with non of my own, but in all honesty it feels all part of the package and wouldn't have it any other way.
Of course you bicker and argue a little, I can count on a single hand how many times we have had a disagreement - but we communicate, or at least try. I'm not great at getting my emotions across, I'm a very sensitive touchy feely person, as is she so we have a bit of a different way to communicate - but it suites us well.

The main thing i'm trying to get across is that getting your ducks in order first, being happy to know what you want in life (goals etc...), what qualities you want from a another person, does definately help to a degree. But yes, being happy depending on a person isn't really healthy, you should feel okay with yourself before jumping in, which I was until my Mum was poorly.
Once you are at that point, someone just adds to the whole thing of who you are.
 
Soldato
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I agree with this advice here in all honesty.

Given the amount of upset in this thread - I just wanted to add something positive.

snip

I get that you're happy and from your previous relationship, this new one sounds grrrrreat. However, did i read you have only been together 6 months? That is not a long time at all and you sound you have sunk everything into this one girl.

Enjoy it, enjoy her, but things can go wrong very quickly, tread carefully fella.
 
Associate
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I agree with this advice here in all honesty.

Given the amount of upset in this thread - I just wanted to add something positive.

Around 4 years ago, I went through a massive deperession phase, along with an eating disorder. I ended up cutting, and going a little bit off the rails, even thought about using a rope. My girlfriend at the time was sucking my emotions dry, moved in with my Mum without telling me becuase she got caught stealing (I didn't find this out until she was there 2 months!) and generally liked the argue and had no feelings towards her at all. \I\t was all very toxic. Wind forward a year, I got a bit of help, felt a bit more human I suppose - I kept myself busy riding my motorcycle and playing (too many) games. Felt kind of happy the beginning of this year, I wanted to start dating but didn't have much luck at all, which kinda knocked me a bit. The prevous place I was working was going downhill and I needed to move to keep my sanity. I moved jobs March this year with the intention of progressing - never really thought about meeting anyone really because I just wanted to work as such.

Anyway, turns out I would meet someone - this someone I didn't really think would exist. In the sense that i'm a little weird, OCD is just the cusp of it. I remember when meeting her, my mum tried to kill herself twice and got sectioned. For some odd reason I felt compelled to tell this new person all about it, we got talking and I told her about all the other things what have happened - She also told me about what she has gone through which I could relate. I stopped talking to her for a week or two, because I was a bit scared to ask her out, in the fear of rejection. In the end, we ended up going to a BBQ together and things kind of just flowed. It was weird because i've never really felt anything towards another Woman before (Sex was just sex etc...) without any sort of emotion. I still find myself caught out as such now, because I get flutters yet an overwhelming sense of calmness when i'm around her. When we do mudane things like shopping, I actually enjoy it. It's a bit like she has unknowningly added colour to my life - all at the same time me not knowing that someoen could do that, yet when holding her I can't describe the feeling. We seem to be able to understand each other on a deep level - finish sentences, and like a lot of the same things. I mean there are differences, but our core values are all the same, she is definately my best friend.
Going forwards to now - We are hitting the 6 month mark, I have now moved in with her (I spent at least 4 days a week with her anyway for 3 months) and yes I have down days due to my OCD, as does she. But she understands as I do her. I can honestly say that I now know that someone can completely change your life for the better, make you the best version of yourself and make you feel completely electrified inside. Little things like holding hands, cuddling, time seems to stop.
I didn't know how love felt, and I truly feel that this is it. Deep down, there are no doubts inside. We are planning a holiday to Disney World next year, I never thought that would be happening to me.

All i'm trying to say is that, whatever dark you're going through. Don't give up, no matter how hard it is, the moment you give up on yourself (Like I almost did) you'll never give yourself a change to fix yourself and then find what you are looking for. I honestly count my blessings when I wake up every morning, because without picking up the pieces of my prevous relationship, depression OCD then I wouldn't be here. There is someone for everyone, and you'll cross paths with them eventually and it'll be unexpected.
The main thing to do is to work on yourself, and things will come. I know it's easy to say, and I was told it many times before. But write the things down what are wrong, writing can help, then write the things you would like to change and work on each of those points through the course of a few weeks - while noting down how you feel. When you look back at those pages in a few months you might not see a massive change, but i'm sure there will be a change in the things that you are talking about.

So far so good nice to hear positive storys, hope it carries on that way well done :)
 
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Soldato
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6 months, moving in together and taking on 2 kids? I hope it stays as great as it sounds but that's very much still the honeymoon period for many relationships.
I get that you're happy and from your previous relationship, this new one sounds grrrrreat. However, did i read you have only been together 6 months? That is not a long time at all and you sound you have sunk everything into this one girl.

Enjoy it, enjoy her, but things can go wrong very quickly, tread carefully fella.

I see where you are both coming from.
I've dived in, definately. For better or worse, all I know is that I want to give it a go and see where it takes us. The way I feel over that time peroid has changed from the whole sweaty/heart beat thing, to a state of calmness - probably the best way to describe it and it feels good. :)

You never know what is round the corner, you have to enjoy it while you can because for all you know you might be taken away, or the'll be taken away as morbid as that is. I have lost people recently, and honestly, life is too short. This is the first time i've literally grabbed my heart and jumped - for that sole reason, and couldn't be happier. If things go south then, i'm not going to like it, it'd upset me a lot of course it will. But I don't think about it, because thinking about it will distress me. I try to live each day in a compartment, only worrying about the things happening today, not 2 days time, not a week, and not a year. If something is worrying me, I deal with it that day, write it down, and try to get it out of my head otherwise i'd be back cutting myself.
 
Caporegime
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One piece of advice I'd give is make sure you' b ab to cope if it does die.

Make sure you have
-friends
-work not with partner
-financial security
-Hobbies you enjoy on your own
-know that there are other girls who would make good gfs

My first relationship I lost 1, 4 and 5.
Now I've been through it I know 5 is a given.
4 is totally sorted, but 1 would take time.

But yeah, don' make yourself too vulnerable. This is also key to a healthy relationship. Not just pessimism
 
Soldato
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I've said before that when a man gets into a long term relationship with a woman she starts to separate him from his friends. I've seen it happen time and again. It also happened to me. The problem is that when it first starts men think it's easier to just agree to stay in that night, or not arrange something, because of the argument it will cause. After all it's just one night, right? But then it becomes another and another .Then she starts saying she doesn't like one or more of your friends so that starts driving a wedge between you. It just gets worse of you let it. Then it's no longer a small argument but it becomes a big argument to start getting your space and friendships back. By then it's too late because you let her win the small battles and they added up to winning the war.

I had it in my relationship too and I dont even think it was deliberate. I just thought early on that it was the right thing to do to keep her happy. Many years later I realised what had haplendd and started getting my space back. But it was a big struggle with some pretty big arguments to do it.

My advice to anyone in the early years of a relationship to be true to yourself. Don't bend too much to someone else's will. Stand firm on the small things because the small things add up over time.

Why do women do this? I swear my last 3 relationships, all around the 2 year mark have dissolved because of this exact reason.

I seem to go through the below 2 year cycle.

- Meet someone.
- Happy happy happy happy.
- Honeymoon period wears off.
- Realise I've not been out for a while.
- Arguments and restrictions because I wanna go out.
- Put up with up for a bit.
- Resent said person, split up, move out.
- Live happy, free and single for 2 years.
- Meet someone.

My current relationship, I nipped it in the bud at the start and we both agreed that we do not want to live in each others pockets.

I stick by this and see my friends from the very beginning and low and behold, it's causing arguments, she's trying to put restrictions on when I do go out.

I've now told her straight, this relationship will not work if you try and stop me seeing my friends. I absolutely will not put up with it.

She's even tried to stop me playing on my Xbox twice a week in the evening because "she can't sleep when I'm not in bed", and "it's selfish".

I've made a promise to myself, if this relationship doesn't work out I will never live with another woman again.

Praise the lord I decided to rent my house out and not sell.
 
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Caporegime
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**** tests, you can't win either way, as if you give in to her every whim she loses respect for you. If you don't then she resents you.

It's not about a compromise here either as we're talking you either comply or it's not good enough, there's no middle ground. Say if you agreed to only do one night a week on the xbox, she'd eventually just start the same argument again.
 
Soldato
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I used to have the same issue with my ex; her trying to to exert control over me in increasingly daft ways. Not being able to sleep without me there, being a common one on the odd occasions I wanted to stay up late and watch a film. Another one was whenever I used to go for a night out with my friends (which wasn't often) she'd bombarded me with text messages asking if I was ok. If I didn't reply, she'd ring me crying down the phone. Things is, if I'd succumb to her emotional blackmail, we'd probably still be together. But then what would that have made me....?
 
Soldato
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The above posts scream "emotional immaturity" to me. I've been with people before like that and to an extent, allowed it to happen.

Now, if I was going out with friends, I'd say so and let her know when I would be home. Plans change, if it ended up being a bit later, then I'd let her know. If it's half an hour later than planned, big deal!

If someone is "unable" to exist without the other person, then that's way too much dependency. Part of showing how you care for someone is appreciating that they have their own interests and encouraging them. Seeing (and appreciating) your partner have a good time should be an integral part of the relationship. Yes, there are limits -if it was every single night then fair enough if they want to get arsey about it, but a night out now and again should be encouraged.

I golf with a friend at the weekend -we had finished playing and both fancied another round. I had the day free as my other half was at work, however my friend needed to text his wife. The response he got was, "If you ever text me again asking if its 'ok' to do something you enjoy, I'll cut your balls off xx". Needless to say we played another round :)
 
Soldato
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"emotional immaturity"

That's a good way to sum it up. And I suspect part of the reason she left; being unable to cope emotionally with my decision to return to university. Unfortunate really, but not surprising given her background.

The response he got was, "If you ever text me again asking if its 'ok' to do something you enjoy, I'll cut your balls off xx".

Ha, I look forward to the day I get a response like that.
 
Soldato
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Had some rescues on a app called Bubble

Talked to quite a few women on there, including one of Jacob Rees Mogg's researchers lol, I still have the same old issue of you talk for a evening or a day then they do a vanishing act when you asked them out.

Had my first date in 9 months yesterday, think it went well. Spoke for a good 90mins, she was new to area though. I did sent a message asking her out for a second date this morning but no reply
 
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