The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[WantoN]

100% going to try that tonight, my mum has called me in a better mood so will see how it goes, hoping I can meet my other half in the middle, even if I only play while she's at work and little ones in bed.

Good luck fella, I’m definitely not an oracle, but experience has taught me that you need to consider the position of the other person, and remember they can’t read your mind. Relationships are definitely about compromise mate.

It’s never a bad idea to explain exactly where you’re coming from, why you want to do it, and why she’s far more important than a computer ever will be.

My Mrs accepts it because I’m not the sort of bloke who goes out on the lash, or throws money away. My hobby involves sitting quietly in the corner, or playing with electronics. But I always put her first, and never let it be the focus of my life.

Hope you come to a happy compromise fella, you deserve to do things you enjoy.

Edit: I would agree with some of the previous post. If you want this to go well, ensure you’re particularly careful to not be on it when she’s around, and don’t let it intrude on any of the jobs you have to do in the house.

 

[touch]

Back when I had a PC I was bad, not going to make myself sound good, but it got to the point where I would walk past the PC and turn it on on the way too the toilet in the morning, then spend all day on it and then go bed early hours the next morning.

And you had a 2 year old kid at this point?

I know you say you've changed and are not addicted anymore, but you need to consider the risk of falling back into that habit again. Is it worth the risk?

 

[Avenged7Fold]

Snip

TBH i have been exactly the same in parts of my life and now my attention lies elsewhere and hardly ever game. Though i have been accused of being a gaming addict by some in my life at these times and easily slipped back into the habit, i always thought that they simply didn't understand i jsut enjoyed it and didn't have anything else that really needed doing.

Just playing devils advocate here. She is probably thinking that the worst will happen once you get a PC, understandably. She probably wouldn't be so caught up in it and emotional if there was nothing else wrong (spending time with her, kid or whatever). The more you push the point and try to justify it with verbal arguments, the more it will just look like you are an addict looking to get a fix again in her eyes. I am not say buy it or dont buy it either way, just that arguing about buying it is a fruitless endeavour

 

[beasty6]

Clearly there has been a major issue in the past, otherwise, you wouldn't have two people against you, and your wife's reaction this time around wouldn't be so severe.

You have to be in the house when your wife is working as there needs to be someone there with the kids when they are asleep. So clearly an alternative such as gym or another activity away from the house is out of the question. It seems reasonable to me that gaming might be something you could do when she is not there and the kids are asleep. Although from your history, I'd say being seen on the PC when the Mrs is in the house will be a red rag to a bull. It would not go down well, I suspect. If you're on it when she gets back from work, she could very well kick off too. Also, you couldn't allow it to affect your work or mood, say, by staying up late on it and not getting enough sleep.

I have a few questions, obviously you don't need to answer to me, but maybe worth considering in your own mind.

• Is there an underlying cost issue here as well? A worthwhile gaming PC will easily be the best part of a grand these days, if not more with all the peripherals/screen etc. This is a big family expenditure to benefit just one person.
• Why is your mum getting involved in this? The marriage is between you and your wife. Although, on the other hand, you could have an ally in her. Maybe you could work the angle with your mother first, she might come around and convince your wife to give it a go.
• How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? When I got to around 30 my interest in games dropped off significantly and it seems to have been a common theme with some members here. I can barely manage more than an hour these days and almost never complete a game. The shine has definitely worn off the hobby. I am trying to force myself to complete just the story part of GTAV. I don't really know why I'm forcing myself, I just feel it's a game I should complete.
• Do you demonstrate other addictive behaviours like excessive phone use? Could this be worrying your partner and mother?

For what it's worth, I upgraded last year, full overhaul. By far the most enjoyable part of the experience was researching the parts, looking at benchmarks and adding to/emptying my basket several times and waiting in anticipation for the parts. When I built it and fired it up for the first time I installed a few games, went "oooohhh, woooowwwww, so pretty and smooth" for a few minutes and then it was just sort of, "meh". Massive anti-climax.

I don't buy into the whole "if dem *****es don't let me play my PC or do what I want, I let dem *****es go!". There is no way I would risk my family to stubbornly keep up an archaic attitude of "no woman tells me what to do". You've got to make your own decision on what's more important. Never being able to play the PC might suck, but not having a family will probably suck harder. We have to live with the situations our past behaviours have placed ourselves in. You at least have an XBOX, it could be worse.

We are currently engaged and have booked our wedding for August next year
Cost is not a issue, as I have used parts lined up if it goes agead, £370 all in

My mum is involved because my other half called her when she was upset at work.

I am 25, she is 25 next month, my youngest is also 2 next month

We both go on out phones often, Facebook, eBay, YouTube, general browsing etc

Playing while she is at work is all I intend to do anyway, purely because I'm at home 4 nights a week on my own when kids are asleep, sometimes even does sleep ins so don't come home till 7:30am the next morning

I want to find that spot inbetween, I watch Netflix a lot so I can't see myself on it all the time anyway.

Cheers guys, will definitely see how it goes and what we can arrange between us, like I say it won't be used at a desk or with a monitor, will be on the couch just as I would if I had the Xbox on

 

[beasty6]

And you had a 2 year old kid at this point?

I know you say you've changed and are not addicted anymore, but you need to consider the risk of falling back into that habit again. Is it worth the risk?

Yes, she didn't work at this point

 

[Roar87]

You don't need anyone's permission to buy a PC with your own money or live your life how you want to.

 

[Narj]

You don't need anyone's permission to buy a PC with your own money or live your life how you want to.

Yeah, Jesus Christ, having your decisions ruled like that by someone else is a non-starter to me. It depresses me when friends of mine are too scared to come out these days because of the "consequences" back home.

If you are confident that it's not going to rule your life, just get one and make an agreement to spend no longer than X hours on it a week in order to be fair to your family. These sort of ultimatums are nothing short of controlling behaviour - if it was a man doing that to a woman there'd be a twitter outrage and all sorts.

The amount of hours most women spend watching soaps and crap on TV along with mindless scrolling on their phones through brain-rotting social media these days is ridiculous. Maybe get a tally of that beforehand to back up your argument.

I feel lucky that a few of my exes were happy to spend time gaming with me rather than wasting their time on Jeremy Kyle/Facebook.

 

[WantoN]

You don't need anyone's permission to buy a PC with your own money or live your life how you want to.

My partners feelings are important to me, and prioritising her is important too. I do what I want, and I don’t justify that to her, or anyone else. But that doesn’t mean I’ll choose to do something that would upset her, unless I feel her position is unreasonable. I limit the time I spend on my hobbies to ensure I can spend time on her. She does the same. I don’t live in fear of her reaction, but I respect her enough to consider her feelings. Imo that’s what you do in a health, adult relationship.

I often find that the men I know who say ‘she doesn’t tell me what to do, I do whatever I want to’ are often men children who never grew up, and usually end up separated. I’ve seen this first-hand more than once. I’m not saying that’s the person I quoted, or anyone else here. But imo if you’re in a proper relationship, how you feel about something is not the only consideration to make. You’re a team.

The OP should absolutely be free to pursue what he wants, but given the significant and detrimental impact his abuse of his hobby had in the past, discussing it with his partner seems the mature root to take.

 

[A2Z]

My partners feelings are important to me, and prioritising her is important too. I do what I want, and I don’t justify that to her, or anyone else. But that doesn’t mean I’ll choose to do something that would upset her, unless I feel her position is unreasonable. I limit the time I spend on my hobbies to ensure I can spend time on her. She does the same. I don’t live in fear of her reaction, but I respect her enough to consider her feelings. Imo that’s what you do in a health, adult relationship.

I often find that the men I know who say ‘she doesn’t tell me what to do, I do whatever I want to’ are often men children who never grew up, and usually end up separated. I’ve seen this first-hand more than once. I’m not saying that’s the person I quoted, or anyone else here. But imo if you’re in a proper relationship, how you feel about something is not the only consideration to make. You’re a team.

The OP should absolutely be free to pursue what he wants, but given the significant and detrimental impact his abuse of his hobby had in the past, discussing it with his partner seems the mature root to take.

Completely agree. When in a relationship you can't just do whatever you want because you want to as Roar87 seems to imply. That's living the single life.

As long as you communicate with her, make some ground rules such as you will only play when she's not home, or for x hours per week, then hopefully she will give you the benefit of the doubt and a chance to show you are not the same person as before.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Is it solely about the hours you might play or does she believe that gaming is for children, because believe it or not there are many people that still have that belief and they’ll lose respect for you regardless of how much you play on it.

With previous addictive behaviours just telling someone like that to “live your life how you want” isn’t a good idea either. That’s why there’s a growing number of NEET types who are beyond depressed, with no personal responsibility. It’s easy to think you’ll never go down that rabbit hole again but it happens often.

 

[Tefal]

I don't negotiate with terrorists. In the case of a partner threatening to walk out if you do something which you deem reasonable, you should always show them the door, or they'll simply be able to use that power to control you. Most Women will only be happy when you're sat by their side watching some trash female drama while making them cups of tea. Be a man, buy yourself a gaming PC if that's what you want to do, if you yourself think you're spending a reasonable amount of time on it then that's what should matter, not your mother or partners opinion.

Yeah nothing like walking out on your kids because you're arguing with the missus over a gaming pc to show you're a real man

 

[Steampunk]

Yeah nothing like walking out on your kids because you're arguing with the missus over a gaming pc to show you're a real man

To be fair, she'd be the one doing the walking because the guy gets a PC to show how she's in charge of everything.

 

[Syla5]

We both go on out phones often, Facebook, eBay, YouTube, general browsing etc

Work on this, to much time is lost nowadays to idle screen time. Engage with each other, even if its watching the same stuff together with phones out of the room. Read a book, plan and do other stuff. Go to bed 30 minutes earlier, don't use your phones when you get to bed etc. This will be the next big thing to cause an issue. Your children will also notice the amount of screen time you both use and its not a positive influence.

Playing while she is at work is all I intend to do anyway, purely because I'm at home 4 nights a week on my own when kids are asleep, sometimes even does sleep ins so don't come home till 7:30am the next morning

Her likely concern is that even if you do only play it while she is at work will be that your children will be the ones being ignored rather then her. In her mind she may envisage you jumping on your rig as soon as the door is closed. For a mother, her children's care is a perfectly valid concern.

The fact that your mum is on her side of this to me means she has a genuine concern you will go back to how you used to be and this will have an impact for her grandchildren, but also she doesn't want to see you guys fail as a couple.

You don't need anyone's permission to buy a PC with your own money or live your life how you want to.

Yeah lets forget about the fact that the OP is responsible for children's lives here as well. The decision isn't just his own when it can have a direct/indirect impact on young lives. Not sure if you are just trolling or completely clueless to the realities and responsibilities when you have children.

Yeah, Jesus Christ, having your decisions ruled like that by someone else is a non-starter to me. It depresses me when friends of mine are too scared to come out these days because of the "consequences" back home.

Raising concerns about someone wanting to start doing something that previously had such a big impact on their lives is totally uncalled for, and controlling and ruling...........no wait a minute OP's other half doesn't want history to repeat its self, and raising the reality that if things go back to how the used to be she would leave isn't a "consequence" its a reality. They have children, sure if the OP wasn't a father my advise would be different, but that's not the case. Decisions he makes will affect the household, and not just himself.

 

[beasty6]

Work on this, to much time is lost nowadays to idle screen time. Engage with each other, even if its watching the same stuff together with phones out of the room. Read a book, plan and do other stuff. Go to bed 30 minutes earlier, don't use your phones when you get to bed etc. This will be the next big thing to cause an issue. Your children will also notice the amount of screen time you both use and its not a positive influence.



Her likely concern is that even if you do only play it while she is at work will be that your children will be the ones being ignored rather then her. In her mind she may envisage you jumping on your rig as soon as the door is closed. For a mother, her children's care is a perfectly valid concern.

The fact that your mum is on her side of this to me means she has a genuine concern you will go back to how you used to be and this will have an impact for her grandchildren, but also she doesn't want to see you guys fail as a couple.



Yeah lets forget about the fact that the OP is responsible for children's lives here as well. The decision isn't just his own when it can have a direct/indirect impact on young lives. Not sure if you are just trolling or completely clueless to the realities and responsibilities when you have children.


Raising concerns about someone wanting to start doing something that previously had such a big impact on their lives is totally uncalled for, and controlling and ruling...........no wait a minute OP's other half doesn't want history to repeat its self, and raising the reality that if things go back to how the used to be she would leave isn't a "consequence" its a reality. They have children, sure if the OP wasn't a father my advise would be different, but that's not the case. Decisions he makes will affect the household, and not just himself.

Exactly that, if I didn't have children in would have another by now, but as I have two children and engaged it's a big thing in my life, of course I want to have another gaming PC but I can't just go and get one without making sure my other half is ok about it.

We are also looking at moving home very soon, so will stay put with the Xbox and see what happens in the near future.

The argument I have with my mum, is that, how can I be a games addict still if the Xbox is not a problem? Only different games I have in my steam library is RTS games, got ARK and BF4 on my Xbox which is what I played the most on the PC back then.

 

[Syla5]

The argument I have with my mum, is that, how can I be a games addict still if the Xbox is not a problem? Only different games I have in my steam library is RTS games, got ARK and BF4 on my Xbox which is what I played the most on the PC back then.

I think I touched on this previously, you aren't addicted to gaming but from the buzz you got from certain games. Without access to such games due to not playing them via a PC you don't have the ability to get so immersed. If you have access to them then you have the ability.

It is being simplified down to a gaming addiction, but that doesn't invalidate the reasons for concern.

 

[beasty6]

I think I touched on this previously, you aren't addicted to gaming but from the buzz you got from certain games. Without access to such games due to not playing them via a PC you don't have the ability to get so immersed. If you have access to them then you have the ability.

It is being simplified down to a gaming addiction, but that doesn't invalidate the reasons for concern.

I see, do you think being at a desk with a monitor and headphones was a big thing? I myself believe that being at a desk and having headphones makes you not aware of your surroundings and takes your 100% focus.

But on the sofa with TV using a sound bar (Xbox) is so much more relaxed and no way near as intense, you guys think a PC in the same way would have a problem?

I never used my PC on the front room with the TV so can't comment on it myself.

 

[Syla5]

My computer desk used to be in our front room. I didn't use it via the TV, but cant see a benefit, add to that you would be sat on a sofa with a keyboard and mouse. As much as I am not suggesting you get or don't get a PC again, I don't see the point.

Maybe you are just romanced by the memories and once you go through all the effort you will realise it isn't something that you wanted to do all along. Maybe you will get it back and fall in to old habits and rather then closing yourself off you will end up hogging the TV and compounding the issue. Maybe you will hit the happy sweet spot, but will you really then be doing anything that cannot be done on a console?

Lots to consider, but on my revisits the buzz reduced every time, and I honestly love the time I spent playing and the memories I made, but not the impact it had on my relationship/family at the time, and I do not miss it and don't want it back.

For reference I was a similar age to you when I went through this and my daughter was 2.

 

[beasty6]

My computer desk used to be in our front room. I didn't use it via the TV, but cant see a benefit, add to that you would be sat on a sofa with a keyboard and mouse. As much as I am not suggesting you get or don't get a PC again, I don't see the point.

Maybe you are just romanced by the memories and once you go through all the effort you will realise it isn't something that you wanted to do all along. Maybe you will get it back and fall in to old habits and rather then closing yourself off you will end up hogging the TV and compounding the issue. Maybe you will hit the happy sweet spot, but will you really then be doing anything that cannot be done on a console?

Lots to consider, but on my revisits the buzz reduced every time, and I honestly love the time I spent playing and the memories I made, but not the impact it had on my relationship/family at the time, and I do not miss it and don't want it back.

For reference I was a similar age to you when I went through this and my daughter was 2.

I was thinking being in the corner and being up at a monitor with headphones causes you to be more immersed.

However being on the sofa with the TV and a keyboard board like roccat sova is a lot less immersive and more socialble.

I shall see what happens, I can't play company of heroes or age of empires on the Xbox, which is what that want for a PC is for.

 

[Syla5]

However being on the sofa with the TV and a keyboard board like roccat sova is a lot less immersive and more socialble.

No element of playing a 1 player game is sociable or less immersive. Maybe if your other half was interested in it her self you might get away with that.

Like I have suggested before, you really need to question yourself about why you want to do it.
Do you need it?
Do you really want to play those games so badly that you are willing to go out of your way to get a PC, that could cause arguments?
Do you really feel like it would make you happier?
Do you want to give yourself access to a platform that previously led you to quite a dark place?
Are you sure you aren't just caught up in reminiscing what you used to have and hoping to get some of that feeling back, and maybe a little rebellious at the fact you maybe feel you were force to stop previously?

Have a serious period of contemplation with yourself completely in isolation to the thoughts and concerns your future wife and mum both have.

Honestly been there, went back thinking how you are thinking now, even though I did play less, a lot less, it still had a big impact on life that I didn't consider before I went back again.

I did get my PC out again last year after the initial going back didn't go well and genuinely I enjoyed playing it, played it only in my time (which is much easier to have with our daughter being 9-10 then 2, and also no outside pressures such as planning a wedding or potentially moving house!), but that overall sensation was not the same. I found it easy to put it away and even after I did my wife said she had no issue with me having it out, but the reality of it all was I didn't need it, I just thought I did, and even though everyone was happy, I didn't want to give my self the chance to go back to old ways, and I don't have any regrets.

 

[beasty6]

Ok, so I feel that I don't "need" it at all, it's just a much preferd platform to play on, and I can play the old child hood games such as age of empires.

I would be happier being able to enjoy a PC but as you say, if it's going to have a effect on my family I have to make sure they are happy first.

We have always had a laptop in the house that could play the old RTS games easily, but never thought to myself "I'll play them on that".

I miss gaming on a PC, ever since I had average PC's years ago when I was a child, always said to myself I will game on a PC as my parents wouldn't buy me one when I was younger, just them little problems me and the other half had at the time, just the way I dealt with it.

When I was on the PC I spent a lot of time on this forum too, wasn't just gaming.

So was I addicted? Does a addiction cause someone to "need" or need pulling away? As I dropped it very very easily, but I will never know if I don't get a chance right?