The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Soldato
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Ha ha normally I'm supportive to people and say if it's not working out just leave but the excuse she earns less than you is the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard in my life, my wife has always earned less than me during the 15 years we've been together but not once have I thought "this is it, this woman doesn't earn enough for me to love her".

The line about both your attitudes to having kids though is definitely a deal breaker and you should split straight away, what is the point of being with someone who you don't share the same long term plan as it will only build resentment.

TBH honest do her a favour and dump that way she can meet someone who is happy with her for who she is and her paltry wages.
 
Soldato
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I didn't even realise Men gave a **** how much their partner earned, is that even a thing? I care more about whether she's willing to do her half of the chores than her salary. Incidentally mine earns slightly more than me, though works more hours.
 
Caporegime
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It can be a genuine concern if the difference is massive, having a partner who wants a 2 week all inclusive trip to Cuba every year but earns minimum wage and wants you to put up most of the cost is going to cause resentment. If that's the case though you should be able to refuse or explain why you won't be going ahead with it.
 
Soldato
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It can be a genuine concern if the difference is massive, having a partner who wants a 2 week all inclusive trip to Cuba every year but earns minimum wage and wants you to put up most of the cost is going to cause resentment. If that's the case though you should be able to refuse or explain why you won't be going ahead with it.

Well yeah you both still have to pay your way, her earning minimum wage doesn't mean I wouldn't be with her, it does mean we won't be going on £3kpp trips though.
 
Soldato
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I didn't even realise Men gave a **** how much their partner earned, is that even a thing? I care more about whether she's willing to do her half of the chores than her salary. Incidentally mine earns slightly more than me, though works more hours.

I guess it's more ambition and behaviour that's a factor, it can be unnatractive. But generally I wouldn't care if my partner earned 1/3 less or even less of what I earned if they respected their own income's limitations so to speak.

My ex earned a good whack more than me at one point so I've been on both sides.

I was seeing a girl who couldn't hold down a job but then would spontaneously decide she wanted a dominos, kfc, pub dinner or similar but made very little effort to pay her share and once even tried to send me out to get it :p If I earn more I'm all for treating someone ocassionally but yeah... Another was flat out broke and seemed to expect the same. Didn't really have a lot of money myself at the time which they struggled to appreciate when told.
 
Permabanned
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Ha ha normally I'm supportive to people and say if it's not working out just leave but the excuse she earns less than you is the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard in my life, my wife has always earned less than me during the 15 years we've been together but not once have I thought "this is it, this woman doesn't earn enough for me to love her".

The line about both your attitudes to having kids though is definitely a deal breaker and you should split straight away, what is the point of being with someone who you don't share the same long term plan as it will only build resentment.

TBH honest do her a favour and dump that way she can meet someone who is happy with her for who she is and her paltry wages.

Indeed, though not sure that's entirely what he meant by that but if it was...

My mom had held an EXTREMELY well paying 6 figure job in the lofty heights of NHS management, my dad's a painter and decorator that struggles to make minimum wage. Never once heard them arguing about how to split money or the like. Might ask them about it next time I see them actually.
 
Soldato
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Well yeah you both still have to pay your way, her earning minimum wage doesn't mean I wouldn't be with her, it does mean we won't be going on £3kpp trips though.
pretty much.

my current gf earns pretty much half as much so we go on holidays we both can afford but I always put more on top so pay say 65-70% of the total.
 
Caporegime
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Indeed, though not sure that's entirely what he meant by that but if it was...

My mom had held an EXTREMELY well paying 6 figure job in the lofty heights of NHS management, my dad's a painter and decorator that struggles to make minimum wage. Never once heard them arguing about how to split money or the like. Might ask them about it next time I see them actually.

I think personally I'd struggle with that difference. Not because I'm a guy, just hate feeling dependent on people.

For me its' attitude. If someone is earning minimum wage but is happy and doesn' eexpect princess treatment that's fine. But if they want want want but dont put in the effort to earn more, that Is not OK.

Id rather be with someone who earns mind wage and values time than who earns 100k but has no.time for fun or is away in the evenings and weekends

Cant put a Price on free time
 
Associate
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I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

If your not happy in your current relationship then just end it what's the point in carry on being in a relationship if your seeking happiness outside of it with someone else your the kind of person i detest when your doing this to your current partner, it's simple cheating in my opinion only because your not having a sexual relationship with your potential new partner doesn't mean it's the right thing to do... i really hope you tell you current partner and she boots your arse out the door
 
Soldato
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What’s the difference between cheating and hanging out?

Is she cheating on her boyfriend by have a couple of drinks with someone she knows?

If you are in a relationship with someone and dont think its going too well then have a drink with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex is gay) then there must be an aweful lot of cheaters!
 
Soldato
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I think it depends a lot on context and the nature of the contact.

If you start seeing someone "as friends" just when things are going bad with your current partner it can be seen as scoping out someone new, which is quite out of order to be honest. If it's purely platonic then there's no issue, of course...

Personally I think "monkey branching" is awful. You are either committed with someone, in which case you talk things through and make them work, or you are not and you break up. No one wins from staying in a relationship when you are no longer fully committed, however it happens a lot since it's the more comfortable and convenient thing to do.
 
Soldato
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What’s the difference between cheating and hanging out?

Is she cheating on her boyfriend by have a couple of drinks with someone she knows?

If you are in a relationship with someone and dont think its going too well then have a drink with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex is gay) then there must be an aweful lot of cheaters!

It's cheating if your partners don't know and would be angry if they did know, do your partners know that their relationships aren't going well so you're hanging out with prospective replacements?
 
Soldato
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As above, you're not physically cheating but mentally you are; the evidence is in your post as you are actively thinking about being with this new girl when you're rid of the old. If your current GF knew or understood this then what do you think her reaction would be?
 
Soldato
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Cumbria
What’s the difference between cheating and hanging out?

Is she cheating on her boyfriend by have a couple of drinks with someone she knows?

If you are in a relationship with someone and dont think its going too well then have a drink with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex is gay) then there must be an aweful lot of cheaters!

There's nothing wrong with having a drink with somebody of the opposite sex but if the intention is to form a relationship then that's as good as cheating

If it's innocent then why ask if you should tell your partner
 
Soldato
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We (me and current girlfriend) have discussed the kids situation and agreed to stay on as we currently are at the moment - both seeing each other but knowing it will not last.
Who knows, maybe she is ‘monkey branching’ too
 
Caporegime
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We (me and current girlfriend) have discussed the kids situation and agreed to stay on as we currently are at the moment - both seeing each other but knowing it will not last.
Who knows, maybe she is ‘monkey branching’ too

If its fwb thats fine. But no point being exclusive. Feels like a waste of time but if you are both on same page no problem. But I suspect you arent
 
Soldato
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A friend of mine told me a story the other day that was pretty tragic. One of her mates is "dating" a married man. This guy has two kids, one being only 4 months old. He and his wife have been together for a decade, married two years. The wife doesn't know about the affair, and is presently full-steam ahead sorting Christmas for them all. She has posted a load of pictures on Facebook recenty; presents, decorations, kids having fun etc, yet is totally oblivious to what's going on. The girl he is cheating on his wife with is a cocaine addict with prolific history of sleeping around. I admit I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but why any man (or woman) would destroy a family, boggles the mind. As does why any woman would want to get involved with someone who is married. Crazy world.
 
Associate
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A friend of mine told me a story the other day that was pretty tragic. One of her mates is "dating" a married man. This guy has two kids, one being only 4 months old. He and his wife have been together for a decade, married two years. The wife doesn't know about the affair, and is presently full-steam ahead sorting Christmas for them all. She has posted a load of pictures on Facebook recenty; presents, decorations, kids having fun etc, yet is totally oblivious to what's going on. The girl he is cheating on his wife with is a cocaine addict with prolific history of sleeping around. I admit I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but why any man (or woman) would destroy a family, boggles the mind. As does why any woman would want to get involved with someone who is married. Crazy world.

Weird you should mention that story. The other weekend, a friend of mine was telling me about a woman he knows who is doing the same thing but vice-versa; it seems like (from the way my friend tells it) that she married her husband quite young, they both have good jobs, nice house, cars, kids etc. but she's become very bored with the marriage, and is now cheating on him with a bloke who's smoked so much weed that he can hardly string a decent sentence together (and seems like a general waste of space). Apparently she's a very attractive woman who could have her pick of a lot of men, and no, my mate wasn't trying to get in there!

Very odd, maybe its the danger, the risk of getting caught that gives it some excitement?!
 
Associate
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We (me and current girlfriend) have discussed the kids situation and agreed to stay on as we currently are at the moment - both seeing each other but knowing it will not last.
Who knows, maybe she is ‘monkey branching’ too

I did this for a long time and it got very messy and both of us very hurt. I'm not you but I would advise against it.
 
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