you didn't ask the father did you?

Associate
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No. We got engaged while traveling in New Zealand and told them when we got back.

Did think about it, but the practicalities didn't work. And we paid for our own wedding.
 
Associate
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Nope. I think it is an antiquated tradition. Why do I need permission from someone to marry the woman I love? It's up to her if she says yes, no one else.
 
Soldato
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No, it's antiquated tradition.

Doesnt it stem from the daughter being the dads "property" ? Similar to the white dress being "clean" and all that nonsense :eek:

If he says no you're a bit buggered after that :D
(or saved!)
 
Soldato
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Out of respect.

Forget about yourselves for a minute (i know it's hard for this generation). But maybe the parents have been brought up with this 'antiquated' tradition and by not asking you are disrespecting their values. Only you and your partner will know whether to do this or not, but a simple gesture such as speaking to your future father in law may go a long way.

If you feel that strongly about the tradition, then let it die out with your kids, not with a generation that may still uphold the value.
 
Associate
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Nope. Some traditions I think are quaint and I can get on board with. Others I think the underlying reasons are actually unpleasant. I have no idea if my f-i-l would have appreciated it, but I know my wife wouldn’t have liked the idea
 
Soldato
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Nope. Some traditions I think are quaint and I can get on board with. Others I think the underlying reasons are actually unpleasant. I have no idea if my f-i-l would have appreciated it, but I know my wife wouldn’t have liked the idea

Not at all, I don't care for the old tradition and therefore don't care if someone else believes in it.

Just about sums up people these days.
 
Soldato
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Just about sums up people these days.

These days? I'm probably older than you.

There are people in this thread who asked and said had their father said no they still would have went ahead. Makes you wonder why bother with the tradition if you won't follow it through. People pick and choose what they want to believe in and others who disagree more than ever seem to have a problem with it.

I have more respect for my wife and will ask her rather than her parents thanks.
 
Soldato
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Why not have respect for all the family? Seriously, is it really such a big deal to ask the man (and woman) who have born and raised the daughter you want to marry? As a father the one thing we want is to know our daughters are marrying someone who will respect them and treat them right.

As i said previously, if you know this tradition is dead and buried within the family unit, then fair enough, but if not, why not? A small gesture goes a long way.
 
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Why not have respect for all the family? Seriously, is it really such a big deal to ask the man (and woman) who have born and raised the daughter you want to marry? As a father the one thing we want is to know our daughters are marrying someone who will respect them and treat them right.

As i said previously, if you know this tradition is dead and buried within the family unit, then fair enough, but if not, why not? A small gesture goes a long way.

But it's not a small gesture.

You either consider her father's choice binding or not. If you consider it binding, you are placing her father's consent above hers. That's not a small gesture at all. You are denying that she has the right to choose who to marry. Even in the most sexist times in the past, a woman who had reached the age of legal majority had that right. It's a rather large gesture, not a small one. If you don't consider it binding then you're just lying to her father because you're not actually asking him anything.
 
Man of Honour
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But it's not a small gesture.

You either consider her father's choice binding or not. If you consider it binding, you are placing her father's consent above hers. That's not a small gesture at all. You are denying that she has the right to choose who to marry. Even in the most sexist times in the past, a woman who had reached the age of legal majority had that right. It's a rather large gesture, not a small one. If you don't consider it binding then you're just lying to her father because you're not actually asking him anything.

You're taking it too seriously.
My future Son In Law asked me out of respect and for a bit of a joke, he would be marrying her anyway no matter what I said because they'd been living together for 3 years.

Like I said earlier, Fathers used to pay for all the wedding and that's why they were asked, I don't think it happens anymore.
 
Soldato
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Maybe not asking 'permission' per se, but their blessing or even just letting them know your intentions. A mother and father are giving their most precious treasure to the care of another or are we also saying that the church ceremony and the father 'giving away' the bride is also outdated?

On one side, it's an outdated remnant of an ancient social code. On the other, many think it's simply good manners - you are entering a new family, after all. The crucial distinction is, you're not asking permission, you're politely informing. These days you're more likely to tell both parents, and that goes, I think, for both the groom and the bride. Nobody need feel they ought to, but fathers - and mothers - are deeply touched when they are asked.

https://www.tatler.com/article/asking-father-for-permission-to-marry

“There are a lot of traditions that end up going out of fashion but I still think asking for a blessing is relevant. I do think a lot of it depends on the relationship itself between father and daughter. I knew they were close so thought it would be respectful to ask.”

As a father, i know i would appreciate the gesture, it shows to me
 
Man of Honour
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Maybe not asking 'permission' per se, but their blessing or even just letting them know your intentions. A mother and father are giving their most precious treasure to the care of another or are we also saying that the church ceremony and the father 'giving away' the bride is also outdated?

You've hit the nail on the head.
You get all these modern men saying they won't ask the Father but they'll be spending multi thousands on the wedding and trying to outdo their friends weddings :)
 
Caporegime
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If you don't care for tradition then why bother with the expense of marriage in the first place?

not caring for one tradition doesn't mean you don't care for all...

Do you not care about the tradition whereby the local feudal Lord gets a go on the bride first on the wedding night for example?
 
Soldato
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Probably says more about you than the father :p

Aight don't want to create drama but flip the guy you quoted' gender and imagine saying the same thing, would you? Nobody is going to respect men when we don't even respect eachother, the man is always in the wrong even to his peers!

Have a great day and happy new year :D
 
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