The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Soldato
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I'm glad I'm not the only one who overthinks!! I haven't started dating again yet but just the thought stresses me out!!
I'm over my ex and have been single for over a year now (technically hadn't even seem him a year before we broke up!) So I would like to meet someone but I'm just not happy in myself yet :/

I don't think I ever have been and if anything, I feel I've lost myself somewhat over the years. I've grown stronger in some ways but I've also become even more of a hermit and a stresshead (Doesn't help when I'm 5 days away from turning 34 :eek::()

I've finally got my own place though so hopefully that will be the turning point for me :)
Wait, i thought your birthday a few years ago was your 34th? :D:cool::eek::p;)
 
Soldato
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Have you written down and thought out each of the reasons you aren’t happy with yourself, with some solutions? If not and if it’s something you can’t bring yourself to do then you may need some external help.

I have to an extent. My dad died 7 years ago and I didn't realise until 2 years ago that I was in a grief bubble still. When he passed away I was trying to move out but then put it on hold to be there for my mum. Then as the years went on I was helping her with stuff and not really focusing on myself as much. Things kept going wrong in her house so had the stress of that plus a few other family dramas.

I had counselling before and after he died which helped. Ive struggled for years with some minor health issues as well which I'm still working on.

I've just spent so long focusing on everyone else's problems and trying to help them that I just forgot about me and mine :/
 
Associate
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This appeals to everyone :-,

What is a good indication that she is 'the one' so to speak and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. I. E get married.
 
Associate
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If you have to ask someone that then she isn't the one.

She could still be of course. But right now she isn't. You would know of she was. The where be a feeling not a 'good indication'.
 
Soldato
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If you have to ask someone that then she isn't the one.

I agree with this.

If you are questioning it, then that means you have some level of doubt in your mind. You'll be proposing to spend the rest of your life with this person, so, it's a good idea to think about each of your goals and where you both want to be in the future. It's worth having a proper conversation with your partner about this. In my opinion, your decision to/to not get engaged at this point should be based on that conversation, as I doubt any of the responses provided here will give the same level of insight into the future of your relationship.
 
Soldato
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Simply advise you've come around to her way of thinking and want to take things slowly too.
Be very chivalrous but also naughty by occasionally alluding to what is to come, and bingo! The ball is back in your court and I guarantee she'll be begging you to sleep with her.
We've had another big chat about it today because she said she was feeling 'pressure' about it. She said she really wants to sleep with me as well despite this, it now seems it's getting to the point where her forcing herself not to 'give in' is causing the exact issue she was trying to avoid, by making the whole thing about sex and a way bigger deal than it should be
 
Soldato
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We've had another big chat about it today because she said she was feeling 'pressure' about it. She said she really wants to sleep with me as well despite this, it now seems it's getting to the point where her forcing herself not to 'give in' is causing the exact issue she was trying to avoid, by making the whole thing about sex and a way bigger deal than it should be

To be honest it sounds like you need to 'get it over with' (Sorry if that sounds crude or harsh) because it's becoming an elephant in the room now and the relationship won't develop.

This appeals to everyone :-,

What is a good indication that she is 'the one' so to speak and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. I. E get married.


Guess it's different for different people but it's someone I want to give up my alone time for and would rather spend time with regularly than be on my own, as soon as I start thinking I'd rather be having a night to myself when facing the prospect of seeing them I know she's not the one :p
 
Caporegime
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Guess it's different for different people but it's someone I want to give up my alone time for and would rather spend time with regularly than be on my own, as soon as I start thinking I'd rather be having a night to myself when facing the prospect of seeing them I know she's not the one :p

It's important to remember that sometimes this can just be a reflection on yourself though and not the other person, the outcome is still the same though and you shouldn't be going in to a long term relationship if that's the case :)
 
Soldato
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It's important to remember that sometimes this can just be a reflection on yourself though and not the other person, the outcome is still the same though and you shouldn't be going in to a long term relationship if that's the case :)

Oh definitely it's more me than them, it's become a bit of a thing for me that I can't just spend time with people regularly, despite them really trying to compromise in fairness. So much I am considering counseling about it. First it felt like I was being a rebel but it cost me a fairly decent relationship. She only wanted to see me 2 nights a week but I'd just keep cancelling when it was planned in advance.

Now I just feel a bit broken, like my way of thinking is corrupted and not normal. But my hope is to find someone that changes that but maybe the issue is deeper.
 
Caporegime
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gf dumped me before christmas claiming she never had the spark and never loved me and only stayed with me for the child. went to her house for christmas anyway was sleeping in her bed and in her after 1 day ... met her grandfather and a bunch of her family at some house worth 2million ch for the land only for the first time one week later, had her mother who hated me saying how well I did at this dinner and sending me a birthday gift for the first time in the 3 years ive known her ...
seems my gf dumped me and finally her family actually like me lol...
got dumped because she was talking to some guy in england on the internet btw. twice in 2 months probably the same guy both times since i k nw sne unblocked him after i left

I love her and shes totally amazing and prettty attarctive but im drunk in her kitchen wondering if I should go home in a few days and never speak to her again beause of wnat she did to me for so e guy on the internet she had a crush on after speaking to him for less than 24 hours.
apparently the guy she was ta,king to is a mil lio airre but i calling bs and hes some virgin from the internet telling women whatever they want to hear lol
 
Soldato
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Location
Surrey
gf dumped me before christmas claiming she never had the spark and never loved me and only stayed with me for the child. went to her house for christmas anyway was sleeping in her bed and in her after 1 day ... met her grandfather and a bunch of her family at some house worth 2million ch for the land only for the first time one week later, had her mother who hated me saying how well I did at this dinner and sending me a birthday gift for the first time in the 3 years ive known her ...
seems my gf dumped me and finally her family actually like me lol...
got dumped because she was talking to some guy in england on the internet btw. twice in 2 months probably the same guy both times since i k nw sne unblocked him after i left

I love her and shes totally amazing and prettty attarctive but im drunk in her kitchen wondering if I should go home in a few days and never speak to her again beause of wnat she did to me for so e guy on the internet she had a crush on after speaking to him for less than 24 hours.
apparently the guy she was ta,king to is a mil lio airre but i calling bs and hes some virgin from the internet telling women whatever they want to hear lol
Sounds like she maybe told her family about this other guy and they didn't agree with what she was doing to you and hence they now been friendly towards you?

Anyway whatever you decide on the end as a kid is involved try to keep everything civil for their sake.
 
Soldato
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United Kingdom
gf dumped me before christmas claiming she never had the spark and never loved me and only stayed with me for the child. went to her house for christmas anyway was sleeping in her bed and in her after 1 day ... met her grandfather and a bunch of her family at some house worth 2million ch for the land only for the first time one week later, had her mother who hated me saying how well I did at this dinner and sending me a birthday gift for the first time in the 3 years ive known her ...
seems my gf dumped me and finally her family actually like me lol...
got dumped because she was talking to some guy in england on the internet btw. twice in 2 months probably the same guy both times since i k nw sne unblocked him after i left

I love her and shes totally amazing and prettty attarctive but im drunk in her kitchen wondering if I should go home in a few days and never speak to her again beause of wnat she did to me for so e guy on the internet she had a crush on after speaking to him for less than 24 hours.
apparently the guy she was ta,king to is a mil lio airre but i calling bs and hes some virgin from the internet telling women whatever they want to hear lol

I don't even know why you went for Christmas given what she told you before it tbh. It sounds like you're just hurting yourself more by being around there.

It's an awful thing for her to do to you, and in your position I'd be looking for the first flight out of there quickly and as quietly as I could.
 
Caporegime
Joined
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45,169
I don't even know why you went for Christmas given what she told you before it tbh. It sounds like you're just hurting yourself more by being around there.

It's an awful thing for her to do to you, and in your position I'd be looking for the first flight out of there quickly and as quietly as I could.
mainly went to see my son whos 3.. told each other we arent getting back together then end up playing happy families after 1 day.... like everything is normal but obviously I dont trust her anymore not to pull the same crap again the next time Im away for a month for work.

seems she gets lonely and bored when im not here, forgets what its like when we are together then ends up on some stupid chat app thinking people are genuine when they just are trying to get nudes or whatever from gullible women.
I was supposed to move over in the next few months permanently but told her its too big a risk for me after this crap.

I know her life is terribly boring and she must get despressed when Im away, she has no actual friends just a few women she only really talks with to make play dates for the kids and to have a coffee together.

I should have moved over here full time when our kid was born and everything wouod have been fine, dont really blame her for getting lonely, she never physically cheated, shes too honest to lie, literally broke it off with me because she had a crush on someone which is obviously bloody stupid and childish in thr first place. but it was some guy on the internet who would never meet her, never want to be a family with her etc

she even told me the guy had a wedding ring in one of the photos she saw of him, told her shes an idiot the guys obviously married and just messing around on the internet for some childish hot talks or trying to get nudes. lets face it internet chatrooms are full of bored married people, virgins or people pretending they are something thry are not, probably not even using their own photos but someone elses from facebook.
or they would be out in the real world getting laid. like this guy apparently a millionaire but spends his time chatting up women on randomchat instead of in a bar or club... sounds totally legit that someone under 40 with millions would actually do this.

nigerian prince emails are sounding more legit to me.
 
Soldato
Joined
8 Jun 2005
Posts
8,401
Location
United Kingdom
mainly went to see my son whos 3.. told each other we arent getting back together then end up playing happy families after 1 day.... like everything is normal but obviously I dont trust her anymore not to pull the same crap again the next time Im away for a month for work.

seems she gets lonely and bored when im not here, forgets what its like when we are together then ends up on some stupid chat app thinking people are genuine when they just are trying to get nudes or whatever from gullible women.
I was supposed to move over in the next few months permanently but told her its too big a risk for me after this crap.

I know her life is terribly boring and she must get despressed when Im away, she has no actual friends just a few women she only really talks with to make play dates for the kids and to have a coffee together.

I should have moved over here full time when our kid was born and everything wouod have been fine, dont really blame her for getting lonely, she never physically cheated, shes too honest to lie, literally broke it off with me because she had a crush on someone which is obviously bloody stupid and childish in thr first place. but it was some guy on the internet who would never meet her, never want to be a family with her etc

she even told me the guy had a wedding ring in one of the photos she saw of him, told her shes an idiot the guys obviously married and just messing around on the internet for some childish hot talks or trying to get nudes. lets face it internet chatrooms are full of bored married people, virgins or people pretending they are something thry are not, probably not even using their own photos but someone elses from facebook.
or they would be out in the real world getting laid. like this guy apparently a millionaire but spends his time chatting up women on randomchat instead of in a bar or club... sounds totally legit that someone under 40 with millions would actually do this.

nigerian prince emails are sounding more legit to me.

I didn't know the child involved was also yours. It makes more sense for being there.

If you want my opinion on what you just said, I think you're being a bit dismissive of your girlfriends choices that shes made, shes responsible for her own actions and being bored isn't an excuse. Neither is it going to change anything if you keep telling yourself it's your fault for not moving sooner. You make some valid points, but really right now it won't make any difference to anything right now.

Because you're not there daily, for the sake of the child why not come out in the open with her family, explain the situation as it is without assumptions of why it happened but rather what you want to happen moving forward, get her family's opinion and have them informed and see what your partner says. Keeping her family in the dark whilst also not there yourself doesn't sound like a great idea.
 
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