The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Associate
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So why would a girl not want to label a relationship even though practically we are in a relationship?
She says she dont want to put labels on things?

I had that once and then she put herself in a relationship with some other dude on Facebook. That apparently was the end of whatever we had going on. So yea I’d be wary of that.
 
Soldato
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S01E1

Found out in January my wife of 10 years was cheating on me - gotta love connected tech. I offered to forgive and forget, but she needed space for a bit i.e. she wants to continue doing what she's been doing and is now in a new relationship .

We have a child and sharing parenting with a veiw to keeping things ammicable.

S01E2

Now she mentions money... seems she wants to recover money spent during the marriage. Ho hum and here we go.

I work full time and earn more, and she works part time in a skilled professional role (lifestyle choice after 1 yr maternity leave) so life is now financially more difficult for her... and her financial position is now my fault as she has to pay rent and buy new stuff.

TBC

So episode 3...

I find out today that she has gone to Spain for a 5 night break, assume with her new bloke. She has never mentioned this - why do I care? Well she is pleading poverty, but also she is still a parent and would be my first port of call in an emergency affecting our daughter. We start mediation in a few weeks and no doubt will claim she didn't pay for any of the holiday and is still broke.

When I confronted her about this she said it was a last minute surprise and only knew on the day of departure and in event of emergency she can still be contacted. Given her job, last minute leave is an impossibility - so told her I don't believe the last minute thing in the slightest and it explains her sudden flurry of exercise activity, her behavior is very predictable. My daughter even said this morning that mummy now has pretty nails - again classic holiday prep!

I couldn't care less that she's gone and gone with her new bloke just the circumstances around it - Am I right to be annoyed and/or concerned about her behaviour and continued lies?
 
Soldato
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So why would a girl not want to label a relationship even though practically we are in a relationship?
She says she dont want to put labels on things?

It's just a test to see how you react, you pass this test by showing you care less about being her boyfriend than she does about being her girlfriend.
 
Soldato
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So episode 3...

I find out today that she has gone to Spain for a 5 night break, assume with her new bloke. She has never mentioned this - why do I care? Well she is pleading poverty, but also she is still a parent and would be my first port of call in an emergency affecting our daughter. We start mediation in a few weeks and no doubt will claim she didn't pay for any of the holiday and is still broke.

When I confronted her about this she said it was a last minute surprise and only knew on the day of departure and in event of emergency she can still be contacted. Given her job, last minute leave is an impossibility - so told her I don't believe the last minute thing in the slightest and it explains her sudden flurry of exercise activity, her behavior is very predictable. My daughter even said this morning that mummy now has pretty nails - again classic holiday prep!

I couldn't care less that she's gone and gone with her new bloke just the circumstances around it - Am I right to be annoyed and/or concerned about her behaviour and continued lies?

Why would you expect honesty out of a woman who has quite clearly shown she is incapable of it? Just assume everything she says that you have the slightest doubt about is her lying again and you'll probably be pretty close to the truth. Why would you be concerned about her behaviour? She's going abroad to get drunk and sleep with her new partner while you're home looking after your daughter. It's fairly unlikely he's paying for all of it. Do not do this woman any favours, she does not respect you and doesn't even like you at this point. To her you are a resource that she can exploit. Put your own happiness and your daughter first.
 
Associate
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Hello all! Haven't posted in this thread before but felt like sharing my story with strangers. I may be the person on the 'other side' to most in this thread.

In August last year I left my wife of 3 years (been together for just under 6). We have a house together but no children, albeit we were trying at the time. Now the reason I left was a combination of factors and unfortunately one was because I started having feelings for someone else. I met a woman at work and we instantly got on really well. She has a completely different personality to my ex... She's really outgoing, confident and full of energy. I hadn't felt this sort of connection and excitement since I had my first girlfriend many years ago. Nothing 'intimate' happened whilst I was still in a relationship with my wife and I explained to her I was leaving her. I know this seems ridiculously rash, however, there were other reasons to my decision.

I don't want to go in to too much detail as I still care for my ex and it seems wrong writing about it on the internet. My ex has on-going mental health issues that really took its toll on me. Her mental health became apparent quickly in to our relationship and there were ups and downs. Since trying for a baby (for over a year) this became noticeably worse. I remember on many occasions not wanting to come home from work. I remember pulling on the drive and saw the dishes hadn't been done which was an instant indication she was in a bad place. I felt trapped. I did love my ex but it was love more suited for a family member. If I'm totally honest I didn't find her attractive anymore. On top of this we were trying to run a business as well as work full time jobs.

I always felt like I couldn't leave my ex. I was incredibly scared she wouldn't be able to pull herself out of her depression. When I met this person at work, I felt like I could and that I should.

My ex took me leaving really badly, more so than a normal split. I won't bore you with details but there were threats to harm etc etc. In February she decided to cut all contact for her own sake so she could start to move forward. I completely understand this decision and am almost relieved she has taken this positive step.

I know I'm the bad guy in this situation and I have truly tried to do things the best I know how. I didn't cheat in the traditional sense but I know that doesn't make things right. Essentially I did leave my wife for another woman. I'm someone that overthinks everything and takes a long time making decisions. I still get overwhelming feelings of guilt and am welling up slightly just writing this. I'm in a funny position where I am happier in myself and I feel free and I'm excited about my future. Though sometimes I also feel I wish I could take it all back so my ex didn't have to feel the pain she felt.
 
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Soldato
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Don't feel guilty for prioritising your own happiness, you quite clearly made the right decision, I guarantee that if you had a child with your ex and got married you'd only be in a position where you were getting a divorce a few years down the line and she'd probably try with holding custody and extorting you for child maintenance or some ********.
 
Associate
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I don't want to go in to too much detail as I still care for my ex and it seems wrong writing about it on the internet. My ex has on-going mental health issues that really took its toll on me. Her mental health became apparent quickly in to our relationship and there were ups and downs. Since trying for a baby (for over a year) this became noticeably worse. I remember on many occasions not wanting to come home from work. I remember pulling on the drive and saw the dishes hadn't been done which was an instant indication she was in a bad place. I felt trapped. I did love my ex but it was love more suited for a family member. If I'm totally honest I didn't find her attractive anymore. On top of this we were trying to run a business as well as work full time jobs.

I always felt like I couldn't leave my ex. I was incredibly scared she wouldn't be able to pull herself out of her depression. When I met this person at work, I felt like I could and that I should.

I never got around to posting the reason for my split on the previous page, but much of it revolves similar mental health stuff (minus the 3rd party) - it's really bloody hard being in a relationship with someone with these issues, it basically becomes a full time job and ruins you mentally as well. As hard as it is making that move, you have to look after your own wellbeing as really the only person who can help them is themselves.
 
Man of Honour
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While it is obviously important that you offer support to a partner, you are not there to be their doctor and crutch. You made the right decision.
 
Soldato
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It's that time.

With no idea, or way to check without giving away the game; What UK ring size to go for? Couple of places (including 77Diamonds) state L being common/default.

Does anyone here concur with this or have any useful experience/opinions?
 
Associate
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One option is to get a cheap one to propose with, then go shopping together for the real one - that way she gets the right size and design she wants. Worked well with my wife - she saw the shopping together for it as romantic (I saw it as a practical solution to the issue of me getting the wrong size!) .
 
Soldato
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One option is to get a cheap one to propose with, then go shopping together for the real one - that way she gets the right size and design she wants. Worked well with my wife - she saw the shopping together for it as romantic (I saw it as a practical solution to the issue of me getting the wrong size!) .

I thought of that, but I think i want the initial WOW factor and places such as 77Diamonds offer free adjustments anyway. Just want to get the closest to start really.
 
Soldato
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Could do what I did and wing it lol, I knew I wanted to propose just wasn't planning on doing it then and there but in the spare of the moment decided to stop outside a jewlers. She thought I was playing around, she spotted a ring she really liked that I could afford. So when she went to take it off I told the girl behind the counter I was buying it, and proposed on the spot. Totally blindsided her but she didn't even hesitate to say yes. She thought it was perfect.
 

Nem

Nem

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Mansfield, Notts.
We'd bought 'commitment rings' about a year before I proposed, just cheap £30 rings for each other as a symbol basically, so knew what size that one was as we'd bought them together. Not for everyone but you could do that now as a nice idea but then just go straight out and order the proper thing knowing the size? Would be even more of a surprise then as she wouldn't be expecting it.

Also just to say the service I had from 77 Diamonds was fantastic. Took about 4 weeks from order to delivery, but kept informed all the way through etc etc. Would definitely recommend. I learned an awful lot about cut, clarity, colour and the rest so if you need any advice... :)
 
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