Do you ever feel your kids rule you?

[Lakeland]

It’s not about controlling kids, if that was the end goal what would the kids do when their parents are not there? Kids need to control themselves and to do that they need to be taught skills by their parent(s).

I may decided to let my daughter scream like a total lunatic in a shop and do nothing about it, does that mean I’m not in control? Or that I’m a bad parent? Or could I just be letting her be an idiot without brining any attention to the matter so that there is less chance of it reoccurring.

For the op, I’d try reducing the time slowly rather than cutting it completely. It’s an addiction you’re trying to fight so removing it will result in your child going in to fight or flight mode and there’s no reasoning with that.

Well before the iPad or whatever comes out, discuss what is an appropriate amount of time, get her to agree and then set a timer as she starts using it.

 

[Admiral Huddy]

I may decided to let my daughter scream like a total lunatic in a shop and do nothing about it, does that mean I’m not in control? Or that I’m a bad parent? Or could I just be letting her be an idiot without brining any attention to the matter so that there is less chance of it reoccurring.

I admire people who are actually brave enough to do this as it is not easy. These are the moments where kids discover that actually, they are in control kids and get their way.

 

[Fubsy]

I don't have kids, nor want them. I agree with FoxEye and the others in terms of their experiences with kids and their parents, but I usually take the avoidance approach. No way will I ever discuss a child's behaviour as I know I'll get the "you don't have children, how could you possibly have any sort of valid point" spiel. Yea, OK, carry on telling me how you wouldn't change it for the world...

However, my parents generally just brought me up to make good decisions and gave me the boundaries and education to make them. They helped me learn from my mistakes instead of just punishing me, as a result I generally only made a mistake once and became less prone from making similar ones, especially as I got to my teenage years and time away from any adult supervision increases. My grandparents were also fantastic at giving an alternative viewpoint when I was struggling to understand my parents approach to certain aspects of my behaviour; such as why keeping quiet during the day with a parent on nightshifts is so important, not to leave water running unattended etc. they were another source to backup the reasons why these things were insisted and that there were sometimes other factors behind the "just do it" or "because I said so" aspect of my very tired parents response to a bratty 8 year old me.

If they only behave for you because they fear punishment from you, then you don't actually see what their true character is when they have to make good choices on their own (no one else has the power to punish your child, unless it's the police at which point, well...). My parents NEVER stood up for me when I got caught out by any external authority, as a result I learnt very quickly that my behaviour had to be to the same standard wherever I was. Sometimes I see kids slyly smiling behind their parents backs while they are told of their misbehaviour, knowing that their parents will back them no matter what. That must be so empowering for the kid to understand they can do no wrong and do what they like as long as their parents don't actually see it.

 

[Dirk Diggler]

I don't have kids, nor want them. I agree with FoxEye and the others in terms of their experiences with kids and their parents, but I usually take the avoidance approach. No way will I ever discuss a child's behaviour as I know I'll get the "you don't have children, how could you possibly have any sort of valid point" spiel. Yea, OK, carry on telling me how you wouldn't change it for the world...

The difference here is that parents can empathise with your experience of other people's children, in fact anyone can empathise with that because literally everyone has spent a period of time when they weren't a parent.

Personally, I don't have a lot of time for other people's children, particularly when it comes to air travel for example. However, there is no way you can fully understand the process of dealing with your own child being difficult unless you actually experience it. Therefore, there is no way you can provide advice on how to deal with it as a parent.

The reason it's different for parents is basically down to unconditional love. "Unconditional" being the operative word, it isn't a choice.

People who display hatred toward other people's children are something else entirely.

 

[Dis86]

The difference here is that parents can empathise with your experience of other people's children

Completely true. The problem is that all too many of them don't. They don't care about anyone else as long as either they or their child are happy. And they tend to be happy when their child isn't demanding their attention.

these are typically illustrated by the ****ers who let their kids run riot in restaurants for example.

 

[ExRayTed]

Do the discipline now or you'll regret it when she's older and it's too late. I have 3 kids - 25, 23 and 13. I'm their father not their friend and whilst being a father can be incredibly lonely at times (when the wife doesn't agree with me for example) all 3 of mine are well adjusted and respectful. I've made mistakes, disciplined them a little too harshly because I was tired/irritated etc amongst others (I don't smack mine though) but I've always said sorry when I've been out of order and expect them to do the same. It helps hugely that my wife and I present a united front too - can't let the little darlings divide and conquer

 

[johnny6]

You completely miss my point, it's not about technology per say it is about outside influences. We have had outside influences invading the household since the 1950s and the start of rock and roll.

But this was traditionally a cashing in on teenagers becoming independent and often having their own money to buy records and create their own identity. What we have now are pre-teens accessing content made by people on YouTube who are actually called "Influencers".

9 year olds of the past were riding their bike and building Lego. Plenty are still doing this but they are also coming in contact with a medium that no other generation has had access to before. Look at how successful YouTube is, these kids aren't going to suddenly get bored of it and stop watching, it's already a huge part of their life and influencing how they grow up.

So it is about technology as without high speed internet, YouTube, Netflix etc etc etc the children now wouldn’t have access to the content you speak off.

Also just because the word ‘influencers’ is a main stream term used now doesn’t mean the rock and roll you speak of or anything else previous generations latched onto weren’t ‘influencers’ by any other name.

The main difference between now and 20-50 years ago is the parenting. Lazy lazy parenting that do not know what their kids are up to or watching because they rely on YouTube to parent their children.

Don’t get me wrong my kid watches YouTube and has access to 1000s of hours worth of entertainment thanks to Netflix, prime and so on, however he doesn't watch anything without our knowledge. He doesn’t have a TV in his room, he’s not allowed to take himself off to his room for hours on end with the tablet and he certainly doesn't watch YouTube or play mobile games when we are out for a meal. We eat, we talk and we interact with one another.

 

[AHarvey]

Do the discipline now or you'll regret it when she's older and it's too late. I have 3 kids - 25, 23 and 13. I'm their father not their friend and whilst being a father can be incredibly lonely at times (when the wife doesn't agree with me for example) all 3 of mine are well adjusted and respectful. I've made mistakes, disciplined them a little too harshly because I was tired/irritated etc amongst others (I don't smack mine though) but I've always said sorry when I've been out of order and expect them to do the same. It helps hugely that my wife and I present a united front too - can't let the little darlings divide and conquer

This is what I say to our friends that have problem kids and ask how we do it. "I'm not raising children, they are only children for a short while, I'm raising great future adults!"

My kids aren't angels, they push boundaries, they get told off, sometimes I'll 'shout' and on the very rare occassion, they will get a smack. Not a hard one, it's the shock that matters. Like when my 4-year-old kicked me in the eye, he got 2 fingers on his foot. He cried, calmed down, said sorry and then we played. My daughters 7 now, top of her class, polite, helpful and we have a great time messing and playing. I rarely have to tell her off and she's not been smacked since she was 3 or 4.

I live in pain due to an auto-immune disease, sometimes it's aches, sometimes like waves of broken bones. I'll be tired and irritable and I've snapped too quickly. I apologise, the kids understand why and we move on, just like if they have a snap now and then, I give them the look, they take a breath, calm down, apologise and we move on.

 

[233]

sell the child on ebay and get a dog,


failing that prepare for abject suffering and misery,boys are a million times easier than daughters (father of 2 teenage daughters who are satan personified and 2 sons who by comparison are angels

 

[BowdonUK]

How many parents used to sit their kids in front of youtube kids and go off doing other things?

I think kids are introduced to technology too soon in life. You have to experience outdoor activities, even if its just kicking a ball around (does any kid actually kick a football around these days?).

In the 90s I don't think we saw the full social power of the Internet and some thought it was harmless, like we thought the tv was in previous generations.

Keep them away from technology as much as you can is my advice. Then when the time comes educate them to respect it.

If a kid (or adult) doesn't struggle for something then they don't respect it.

 

[Diddums]

sell the child on ebay and get a dog,


failing that prepare for abject suffering and misery,boys are a million times easier than daughters (father of 2 teenage daughters who are satan personified and 2 sons who by comparison are angels

As the old saying goes, "have a boy and you've got one winky to worry about, have a girl and you've got everyone's winkies to worry about"

How many parents used to sit their kids in front of youtube kids and go off doing other things?

I think kids are introduced to technology too soon in life. You have to experience outdoor activities, even if its just kicking a ball around (does any kid actually kick a football around these days?).

In the 90s I don't think we saw the full social power of the Internet and some thought it was harmless, like we thought the tv was in previous generations.

Keep them away from technology as much as you can is my advice. Then when the time comes educate them to respect it.

If a kid (or adult) doesn't struggle for something then they don't respect it.

Agreed. At the risk of being the old man who yells at clouds, I think today's generation will lack certain social skills because of all this technology, and also miss something in life due to looking up to the fake Instagram "influencers" and whatnot. I really wish the media would fixate on actual genuine people who do good things, like Dave Grohl, rather than ol'jelly-arse Kim Kardashian

I don't have kids though, and I have little to no exposure to other peoples' kids so my perceptions could well be very far off the mark.

 

[James_Duncan_Smith]

Do the discipline now or you'll regret it when she's older and it's too late. I have 3 kids - 25, 23 and 13. I'm their father not their friend and whilst being a father can be incredibly lonely at times (when the wife doesn't agree with me for example) all 3 of mine are well adjusted and respectful. I've made mistakes, disciplined them a little too harshly because I was tired/irritated etc amongst others (I don't smack mine though) but I've always said sorry when I've been out of order and expect them to do the same. It helps hugely that my wife and I present a united front too - can't let the little darlings divide and conquer

You should be their friend. My parents are amongst mine. Getting older with them is one of the few of the perks of the shortness of life.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

sell the child on ebay and get a dog,


failing that prepare for abject suffering and misery,boys are a million times easier than daughters (father of 2 teenage daughters who are satan personified and 2 sons who by comparison are angels

I take my daughters to footie every weekend. The ones playing up - and who are good, useful - are not boys.

 

[Django x2]

still awake watching youtube at 10.30pm.

Let me stop you right there. When did you make this rod for your own back? She's only 9 now. Fix it.

Almost every broken/damaged child I saw come through the doors of the youth group had a tablet or phone in their life from a young age. Normally the same kids whose parents would let them watch TV at the dinner table or use an iPad or phone to hush them up in the car or when out.

 

[phrases]

Let me stop you right there. When did you make this rod for your own back? She's only 9 now. Fix it.

Almost every broken/damaged child I saw come through the doors of the youth group had a tablet or phone in their life from a young age. Normally the same kids whose parents would let them watch TV at the dinner table or use an iPad or phone to hush them up in the car or when out.

What are you saying my child is going to turn out to be a "broken child"?

Besides your moronic post i've taken more time to be at home her behaviour has improved very much and we hardly get any fuss whatsoever. Lets just hope she doesn't walk into your youth group eh.

 

[Django x2]

What are you saying my child is going to turn out to be a "broken child"?

Besides your moronic post i've taken more time to be at home her behaviour has improved very much and we hardly get any fuss whatsoever. Lets just hope she doesn't walk into your youth group eh.

1. The comment wasn't a parallelism to your daughter, just raising a case in point.

2. Moronic? It's literally verbatim the same advice as almost every other post. A 9yo should not have unsupervised access to a tablet to watch what she likes, or could like, because her parent's can't be bothered to police it or her. You know the mistakes you have made, there is no scapegoat here and the failings are not your daughter. Wise up, remove the tablet from her use or limit the screen time (collateral damage for the decision to let her have one to use in the first place) and hopefully you can make this work better for you and have the happy home you crave.

 

[ExRayTed]

You should be their friend. My parents are amongst mine. Getting older with them is one of the few of the perks of the shortness of life.

I get where you're coming from I think, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What I should have said perhaps is 'I'm their parent first and foremost before I'm their friend.'

I see parents treating their kids as mates, particularly young ones, in place of disciplining them.

I have never and will never choose not to discipline my children for fear of upsetting them, although the eldest 2 don't need it anymore and are respectful, polite adults. I see this more than I think I should when visiting friends with kids. Lets not forget that good discipline does not have to mean draconian, inflexible rules and overly-harsh punishments for transgressions - not in my opinion anyway. I gave my kids a rule-set to live by and if they did not agree then we could talk things through with adjustments made if necessary. Largely this has worked, perhaps a little too well as they show no sign of wanting to move out

I've seen children of friends grow up into belligerent, rude, obnoxious people. If they'd received the appropriate discipline when they were younger I wonder would they have grown up to be the same? These same parents (that we've known for over 20 years) are now trying to instil values and discipline but it's too late in my opinion.