No surprise there as many females do on hook up..er...i mean dating sites! And men just lie about height.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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No surprise there as many females do on hook up..er...i mean dating sites! And men just lie about height.
Soldato
I’m actually 37 not 27 but it won’t let me change it tee hee.....
I'm in bits, and have been for the past couple of days.
Met a girl (well, 43yr old woman) on Tinder (I know) in early April. We seemed to hit it off straight away, enjoyed each others company, likes doing things together, even had a weekend away together etc. We seemed to be on the 'same page' for a lot of things; life, kids, our various issues, and she really made me feel good, better than I had in a long time.
Cut to this weekend, and on Friday evening I (rather stupidly, while a bit inebriated) call her out during a messenger chat that our conversations had been a bit 'one sided' for the past couple of days - all about her, she hadn't asked what I was up to that evening, whether I was out or not etc. and she went all weird on me, saying that she 'can be very selfish' and 'not really sure she is really girlfriend material'.
Rather than aggravate the situation I said goodnight and tried to talk to her Saturday morning, saying that is had been a simple misunderstanding and that I loved being with her and 'loved her to bits'; this freaked her out, as she mistook it as me saying I Loved her. No amount of me clarifying the situation worked, and she left me with 'We here headed for girlfriend status, whether I wanted it or not' and 'I'm sorry, I need to think whether I can really make this work'. This was mid-day Saturday, and since then nothing since.
I am honestly in bits for my stupid comments Friday evening, as I really had become very taken with her (not quite fallen for her, but not far off) and the cold way which she is acting now; she talked like we were in the past tense towards the end of our messenger chat, and I saw that she has already started the scorched earth process of removal (I had shared my Netflix with her, and she had created a separate profile, but I saw this has now been deleted). I know I am an idiot, but right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
Met a girl (well, 43yr old woman) on Tinder (I know) in early April. We seemed to hit it off straight away, enjoyed each others company, likes doing things together, even had a weekend away together etc. We seemed to be on the 'same page' for a lot of things; life, kids, our various issues, and she really made me feel good, better than I had in a long time.
Cut to this weekend, and on Friday evening I (rather stupidly, while a bit inebriated) call her out during a messenger chat that our conversations had been a bit 'one sided' for the past couple of days - all about her, she hadn't asked what I was up to that evening, whether I was out or not etc. and she went all weird on me, saying that she 'can be very selfish' and 'not really sure she is really girlfriend material'.
Rather than aggravate the situation I said goodnight and tried to talk to her Saturday morning, saying that is had been a simple misunderstanding and that I loved being with her and 'loved her to bits'; this freaked her out, as she mistook it as me saying I Loved her. No amount of me clarifying the situation worked, and she left me with 'We here headed for girlfriend status, whether I wanted it or not' and 'I'm sorry, I need to think whether I can really make this work'. This was mid-day Saturday, and since then nothing since.
I am honestly in bits for my stupid comments Friday evening, as I really had become very taken with her (not quite fallen for her, but not far off) and the cold way which she is acting now; she talked like we were in the past tense towards the end of our messenger chat, and I saw that she has already started the scorched earth process of removal (I had shared my Netflix with her, and she had created a separate profile, but I saw this has now been deleted). I know I am an idiot, but right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
Soldato
To be honest it sounds like you were a lot more into her than she is to you. It sounded like she was trying to let you down easy when saying 'not really sure she is GF material' etc.
Sorry to hear that fella, but based on your comments it was probably already drawing to a conclusion and she just didn't know how to end it. She *should* be taking an interest in your pursuits and your day to day, you calling her out has just bought things to the front rather than quietly simmering in the background.
If you've been dating for 6-7 weeks, weekends away together and were exclusive, of course the next step is girlfriend / boyfriend status.
Give her some space, let her make the next move.
That's the way I read it too. If she really wanted to be with him then she would not of put herself in a negative light.
You're probably right, and I've been denial for a while. I'd noticed that she'd been reluctant to use the 'girlfriend' word and just accepted it. The really daft thing is we'd been getting on really well (or so I thought), had a wonderful day the other Thursday where I took a day off and showed her around Cambridge, took her punting, out for dinner etc. and Friday/Saturday morning's 'discussion' was the first bump in the road...
You just freaked her out with the L word thing, you need to just leave her alone for a bit and hopefully she'll drop you a message at some point, then you can possibly recover it if you play it cool. If I were you I'd make yourself busy, and it'd be great if she also knew you were busy and not missing her at all.
Women love talking about themselves, it's normal, if she wasn't interested in him she would simply not be talking at all, or responding slowly and with minimal interest then making excuses not to hang out.
Associate
Considering she's 43, it sounds like there are some underlying issues there for her to be behaving like that (from a 23 year old maybe, but 43...). As others have said, remember you need to protect yourself here and actually she'd be lucky if you did want to call her your girlfriend rather than it all being on her terms, so busy yourself doing things you enjoy and see whether she recovers from what sounds like a momentary panic at the thought of commitment.
43? Was she not just up for some fun as oppose to a relationship? Especially considering how you met.
Also, you met 1 or 2 months ago and you used the L word? I'm not saying there is a specific time limit, but as above, it sounds like you were into her more.
I hate the 'what ifs', so i'd probably fire one more message. Sorry if i scared you off/came on too heavy - i care a lot about you and hoped you felt the same. Really enjoyed our time together, but understand if you you don't feel the same way. Take care.
Something like that and move on with your life - she may or may respond.
Also, you met 1 or 2 months ago and you used the L word? I'm not saying there is a specific time limit, but as above, it sounds like you were into her more.
I hate the 'what ifs', so i'd probably fire one more message. Sorry if i scared you off/came on too heavy - i care a lot about you and hoped you felt the same. Really enjoyed our time together, but understand if you you don't feel the same way. Take care.
Something like that and move on with your life - she may or may respond.
I'm not entirely sure. She certainly didn't want to jump into bed right away; it took more than a few dates for that to happen, and I didn't push the issue at all. Yes I used the 'L' word, which was probably a mistake, but I used it only in terms of 'love doing things with you' and 'love you to bits', indicating that I was into her, not the big 'L' used on its' own.
I guess I'm just angry at myself for falling so easily for her and opening myself up to getting hurt more than anything; I was just really into her I guess.
I do think she's got past relationship issues which have scarred her; she was married for 12 years, but claims to have never loved the guy (and says she thinks she's not capable of the emotion) and only married him because he proposed and she felt sorry for him(!)
I guess I'm just angry at myself for falling so easily for her and opening myself up to getting hurt more than anything; I was just really into her I guess.
I do think she's got past relationship issues which have scarred her; she was married for 12 years, but claims to have never loved the guy (and says she thinks she's not capable of the emotion) and only married him because he proposed and she felt sorry for him(!)
Associate
Red flags all over the place tbh, if she's being honest and she married a guy but never loved him you're at risk of getting hurt or messed around at best. Up to you how you handle it, if you can stop yourself from becoming emotionally attached then maybe you guys can have some fun, but if you think you'll fall it sounds very much like she won't...
"Love you to bits" is fairly unambiguous. She's worried about repeating her past experience of being married to someone she didn't love, and you made her scared of the exact same thing happening by expressing feelings for her early on in the relationship that were probably a bit over the top, when she probably doesn't yet feel the same way. You can fall for women, that's fine, but you still need to play it cool with them. Just match their level of interest, do a bit of chasing and let her do a bit. Also if you've had a few drinks and are thinking of messaging a girl but you're a bit unsure about whether you should send a message, just don't send it, in almost all cases this is for the best.
All very reasonable and sound advice, thanks. Wish I could go back and stop myself messaging her on Friday eve!
Just don't message her and give her chance to calm down a bit and maybe miss having someone to talk to, I expect she'll find an excuse to message you by the weekend or something. If she doesn't then it's a write off. If she messages you then just play it cool and mention that you're going out with your friend or something so you don't look like you're miserable and missing her.
That's the current plan. Seeing friends on Wednesday eve and got a gig on Friday eve so am going to keep busy and not show any signs of neediness...
Thanks for your advice.
it shouldn't be this hard to manage this early on.
cutting of losses is the right thing to do(even though it is nigh on impossible to achieve)
Well maintaining radio silence didn't work, she delivered the coup de grace via Messenger at 23:46 last night. Fortunately I was asleep.
I won't go into laborious details regarding her message, but it seems that she is selfish, and not wanting to commit herself to being part of someone else's life. I recognise that part of that is on me for being too full on (and needy) too soon, combined with her (now) pretty obvious commitment issues. I guess I should be grateful that it happened this early, rather than any later on when I'd probably gotten in deeper.
Quite a few lessons learned. Thanks for listening guys
I won't go into laborious details regarding her message, but it seems that she is selfish, and not wanting to commit herself to being part of someone else's life. I recognise that part of that is on me for being too full on (and needy) too soon, combined with her (now) pretty obvious commitment issues. I guess I should be grateful that it happened this early, rather than any later on when I'd probably gotten in deeper.
Quite a few lessons learned. Thanks for listening guys