The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Associate
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Well maintaining radio silence didn't work, she delivered the coup de grace via Messenger at 23:46 last night. Fortunately I was asleep.

I won't go into laborious details regarding her message, but it seems that she is selfish, and not wanting to commit herself to being part of someone else's life. I recognise that part of that is on me for being too full on (and needy) too soon, combined with her (now) pretty obvious commitment issues. I guess I should be grateful that it happened this early, rather than any later on when I'd probably gotten in deeper.

Quite a few lessons learned. Thanks for listening guys :(

Agree apart from the bit where you're being hard on yourself, really does sound like she's got serious commitment issues/selfishness that would make it near enough impossible to be with someone like that. Had she not had those issues, your being forward might have been a positive for her. Onto the next my friend :)
 
Soldato
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Well maintaining radio silence didn't work, she delivered the coup de grace via Messenger at 23:46 last night. Fortunately I was asleep.

I won't go into laborious details regarding her message, but it seems that she is selfish, and not wanting to commit herself to being part of someone else's life. I recognise that part of that is on me for being too full on (and needy) too soon, combined with her (now) pretty obvious commitment issues. I guess I should be grateful that it happened this early, rather than any later on when I'd probably gotten in deeper.

Quite a few lessons learned. Thanks for listening guys :(

TBF, someone like that pretty much starts any relationship already looking for the moment when to bail. Either it's meaningless to both of you and she doesn't care, or it becomes something with future potential, and then she bails anyway. She doesn't want to be with anyone in any meaningful sense, so it was always going to end before it got going.

Someone with issues like that is never going to be long-term relationship material until they change the way they approach having someone else in their lives.
 
Man of Honour
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The way to look at this is not that you lost something by your actions, but that it was never going to work because of the way she is. You actually gained some fun time with her and learned lessons. So it's an overall positive.
 
Soldato
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Well maintaining radio silence didn't work, she delivered the coup de grace via Messenger at 23:46 last night. Fortunately I was asleep.

I won't go into laborious details regarding her message, but it seems that she is selfish, and not wanting to commit herself to being part of someone else's life. I recognise that part of that is on me for being too full on (and needy) too soon, combined with her (now) pretty obvious commitment issues. I guess I should be grateful that it happened this early, rather than any later on when I'd probably gotten in deeper.

Quite a few lessons learned. Thanks for listening guys :(

Wait about 24 hours and just reply with ok cool.
 
Soldato
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Wait about 24 hours and just reply with ok cool.

i wouldn't respond with anything, she sounds quite immature tbh.

Make yourself busy, and "if" she does message you just reply with "so great to hear from you i'm busy at the moment so ill chat later" (get that hamster chasing). Sounds like a lucky escape and things happen for a reason bud and life has a funny way of showing it. Could you imagine a relationship with her? it's sound like one of those "i love you, but not in love with you" somewhere down the line.
 
Soldato
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Replied telling her I'm done, and given her a time this evening when her bike and a bag of any effects she left at mine will be outside for her to collect.

Nooo! dude now you sound butt hurt :eek: (face palm)

To late now, always leave it a day before texting just to make sure that 100% in your mind what your doing is right. i have learnt this from past experience especially with women now she will see = " that your throwing your toys out the pram". you have 0 chance now the fact she left stuff there she may had been scared of commitment, but she obviously saw some kind of future otherwise she would have text you asking for her stuff back.
 
Associate
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Nooo! dude now you sound butt hurt :eek: (face palm)

To late now, always leave it a day before texting just to make sure that 100% in your mind what your doing is right. i have learnt this from past experience especially with women now she will see = " that your throwing your toys out the pram". you have 0 chance now the fact she left stuff there she may had been scared of commitment, but she obviously saw some kind of future otherwise she would have text you asking for her stuff back.

I get that it might appear like that, but her last message made it clear there was no real chance of anything going forward, so I just want closure tbh.
 
Associate
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"As much as we get on, I just can't see us having a relationship going forward"
"this is down to me not wanting to commit myself to being part of someone else's life"
"I'm just not the right person to return that care and affection I'm afraid"

Make of that what you will
 
Associate
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In a way, if that is genuinely how she is, she's doing you a favour of sorts by not marrying you and then ditching you 12 years later like her ex....at least she's self aware!
 
Soldato
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Nooo! dude now you sound butt hurt :eek: (face palm)

To late now, always leave it a day before texting just to make sure that 100% in your mind what your doing is right. i have learnt this from past experience especially with women now she will see = " that your throwing your toys out the pram". you have 0 chance now the fact she left stuff there she may had been scared of commitment, but she obviously saw some kind of future otherwise she would have text you asking for her stuff back.

Course she saw a future, she's not really afraid of commitment, she's afraid of commitment with the wrong person. OP just came across too strongly and she lost attraction for him, now he's continued to reinforce her lack of attraction by reacting emotionally to her, instead of playing it cool and acting like you aren't really phased by it.

"As much as we get on, I just can't see us having a relationship going forward"
"this is down to me not wanting to commit myself to being part of someone else's life"
"I'm just not the right person to return that care and affection I'm afraid"

What is this a response to, what are you saying to her?
 
Associate
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I'm not going to go into any more specifics. What's done is done now. I've made mistakes, but I've come to realise that I liked her way more than she did me, went OTT expressing to her too soon, which triggered whatever commitment/emotional attachment issues she has from the past. She has admitted herself that she is a very selfish person, and thinks herself incapable of emotional attachment feelings, but she could just be spinning me a line of course.

I don't think I should elaborate any further on here; I realise I will get a mauling from the "alpha" brigade for my naivety; lord knows I'm crap at this stuff, hence why I'm a regular in this thead!
 
Soldato
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Andover
I'm not going to go into any more specifics. What's done is done now. I've made mistakes, but I've come to realise that I liked her way more than she did me, went OTT expressing to her too soon, which triggered whatever commitment/emotional attachment issues she has from the past. She has admitted herself that she is a very selfish person, and thinks herself incapable of emotional attachment feelings, but she could just be spinning me a line of course.

I don't think I should elaborate any further on here; I realise I will get a mauling from the "alpha" brigade for my naivety; lord knows I'm crap at this stuff, hence why I'm a regular in this thead!

Don't beat yourself up bud, like others have said she sounds like she's done you a favour so no mauling from the "alpha" brigade. Also reading what she said i looks like she wants to have a cake and eat it which is basically use you and by the looks of it done that to guys in the past.
 
Soldato
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Haha amazing! Expect a harrasment lecture from work any day now. If I had matched with my cousin, the most I would have got would have been a stern phonecall from Grandma! :p

She puts it around like it's going out of fashion, so I'm probably on her radar now. It's a shame she looks like the product of a relationship between a horse and an ape, else I'd probably go there.
 
Soldato
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Has anyone been in a poly relationship? Just wondering how it might have worked for you and how you managed to set boundaries?
Short story, I've met someone incredible and she's poly. I don't mind that much and I probably need to understand more about how this type of relationship might work, but curious to those who've been in one or are.
 
Soldato
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Has anyone been in a poly relationship? Just wondering how it might have worked for you and how you managed to set boundaries?
Short story, I've met someone incredible and she's poly. I don't mind that much and I probably need to understand more about how this type of relationship might work, but curious to those who've been in one or are.
From your end I'd just treat it as a friends with benefits situation otherwise you will get jealous. And don't go into it under some illusion that eventually she'll see the light, fall for you, and be with you solely. Go in it for some fun, but that's it.
 
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