Step daughter wants to see her dad....

[randomshenans]

Say to her "I love you, you are my daughter and I am worried about this because I don't want to see you hurt. However, you're an adult and I respect you can make your own decisions but I want you to know I'm here for you always!"

This, pretty much. I have 2 step sons who I've brought up since 2 and 4. They're 12 and 14 now. They don't see their dad because he's a tool, has had many kids with different women and then ****** them off. He beat my wife while they were together, so I get it. The boys don't want to see their dad, but if they did I'd support it. You have to. It's up to them to come to terms with their own stuff. It doesn't take away anything that you've done for them over the years, but sometimes we need closure of our own, or to come to our own conclusions ourselves. We have to respect that, and it might lead to hurt for them and you, but you have to support that and just be there for them.

 

[Steampunk]

Just tell her everything (including the beatings that led to her mum divorcing her dad and him going to prison), so that she is forewarned with all the facts, and then let her make up her own mind. It's unlikely he's changed, so she's going to be disappointed when it doesn't turn into some kind of Disney moment and she realises that they really don't mean much to each other.

In the end, if she wants to meet him, you can't really keep them apart, and she'll only go behind your back if you try. Just make sure she knows that you love her and when meeting her dad all falls apart, you'll be there for her and it doesn't make her a failure or change how you feel about her just because her dad lets her down again.

 

[dowie]

Treat it exactly the same way as you did with the new partner, supervised at first etc. (or at least give your daughter the impression of fairness).

She's 18, doesn't need any supervision, if she wants to see him then that is down to her (I mean legally she could move out tomorrow and go live with him or by herself etc..). OP can offer to come along and accompany her etc.. but it isn't up to him, that is up to her to choose.

 

[omnomnom]

what right do you have to stop her (NONE) let her do it and she will find out in the long run what he is like good or bad you cannot say a dam thing

Calm down. He never once says he has any right to stop her, try reading the actual post.

 

[EddScott]

As others have said, it's probably not a good idea to prevent any form of meeting as it will happen anyway. If anything, I'd be tempted to not be present at the first supervised meeting and let your wife asses the guy first as she is likely a better judge of both of you. She'll probably know how it will go when you two first meet - you'll both be on the defensive a bit.

You may find, given the past, the guy might just be genuinely ashamed of his actions and not felt the right to contact. With his partner building a friendship, she may have encouraged it. I would try not to feel threatened by it and not have any preconceived ideas of the guy.

My GF has a 16 year old and we met nearly 5 years ago. Her father hasn't bothered since she was a baby and there was a brief attempt at contact about a year ago but it didn't last very long. At some point it may well happen. I too will have to be careful I don't pre judge the guy from my GFs opinion of him. My GF can be ferociously black and white some times so not the easiest to deal with.

 

[Diddums]

If you don't give her what she wants, you'll never live it down. Do it, but he prepared to pick up the pieces if /when it does go wrong. Sensitive topic, good luck!

 

[wesimmo]

This thread started off so well but has become typical of today's online discussion and quickly goes to confrontational and absolute legal rights based posts.

OP, do what is right, not what is your/her/his right, if you can resolve this through sensible discussion, no matter your understandable dislike of the biological father, I believe you'll be better off.

 

[Burned_Alive]

While I think it's ok for you to be annoyed, I don't think you should let on to your daughter. You need to support her.

I cant imagine what it must be like to be abandoned by a biological parent, but can imagine that the pull to meet them must be huge.

You should maybe reflect on the situation and consider that the issue you're presenting here is yours and not hers.

 

[Varwen]

I have a similar relationship with my partner's child, and although the dad has made no attempt at contact yet, I have previously been worried about what would happen if he did.

I sympathise completely and I think you have every right to be annoyed, but I think the important thing to remember here is that this is not a personal attack on your parenting ability and is likely nothing to do with you. Your feelings are understandable, but they're not a factor in this decision and you certainly shouldn't push them on the daughter or attempt to change the situation because of them. She has every right to meet and form her own opinion of the biological father.

You need to be supportive, and to pick up the pieces if needed. If it's any help, at 18 she's probably able to recognise the support you have given for the last 15 years when he was nowhere to be seen, and he's likely going to have to answer some pretty difficult questions as to why he wasn't around.

 

[Pipe & Slippers]

Dont think I've ever felt so annoyed over anything before.
Any advice?

I'd feel annoyed, but it's not about you. Don't take it personally
This yearning is natural, and is about her and her dad, not you
It's not a judgement on you

 

[phil675]

If he was put in prison for beating up the mother, he may have been on social services radar so has waited until the daughter is 18 to avoid the social services stuff out of embarrassment/shame etc.

 

[Schlong&Stable]

It's very natural for her to want to know her father is and meet him. You might love her like a daughter, but the truth is, she's not your blood, so don't get in the middle of it. Be the better man you clearly are and support her.

You are of course entirely within your rights to explain your views to her, but in the context of explaining why it upsets you and not as a reason she cannot do it.

 

[MrRockliffe]

Let her do what she wants to do, even if it results in pain, because if her dad effs off again, she can't blame you for it

Just support her in every decision she makes, even if you think it's the wrong one

 

[Clearcut]

Surprisingly grown up responses. Well played GD, well played...

Thanks Dad.

 

[dowie]

This thread started off so well but has become typical of today's online discussion and quickly goes to confrontational and absolute legal rights based posts.

OP, do what is right, not what is your/her/his right, if you can resolve this through sensible discussion, no matter your understandable dislike of the biological father, I believe you'll be better off.

That is a bit vague, is doing what is right not simply going along with what she wants in this case? It seems the only thing for the OP to actually resolve here are his own feelings. He can provide advice, guidance but if she wants to meet her (biological) father then that is down to her. That isn’t just a legal point (I’m not sure why that should be dismissed here though) but also a moral/ethical one too.

 

[Threepwood]

Support everyone as best you can, let bygones be bygone and hope for the best... you love her right? Work with that love!

 

[Kanpai]

Take this to Jeremy Ky... oh wait nvm.

As much as it hurts she has a right to see her biological father, I think supporting her on this would work in your benefit rather than against.

 

[wesimmo]

That is a bit vague, is doing what is right not simply going along with what she wants in this case? It seems the only thing for the OP to actually resolve here are his own feelings. He can provide advice, guidance but if she wants to meet her (biological) father then that is down to her. That isn’t just a legal point (I’m not sure why that should be dismissed here though) but also a moral/ethical one too.

My point was in response to the "you can't do a damn thing" type responses, yes ultimately that is the bottom line, but framing it that way, in that language? There's no need for it, why straight to the confrontational?

And all I meant was he can be supportive, accomodating and not try and negatively talk about her father to her as that's just more likely to get a teenager's back up, or he can go in gung ho telling her the father is a violent idiot and that if he could he'd stop her meeting him etc.

 

[jimjamuk]

If its as black and white as it suggests (but then life is complicated) then she will figure it out for herself when she goes to see him. I expect she wants to know where he's been etc and now she is an adult see it as the right time to do it. That doesnt mean she is going to like what she hears.....

 

[H3RBSKI]

thanks for the replies guys, one of the things i think thats annoying me the most is she found out through a family member when she was about 14 the stuff he had done to my wife and all his exs after her. She asked us if it was true so told her about everything and then decided she didnt want anything to do with him. Now when she found out the other day he wanted to meet and take her to alton towers her response was "i really dont want to see him but i get to go to a theme park for free so i dont even have to talk to him as ill be on rides all day" which to me is a bit of a joke in itself especially as we all have anual passes and go to thorpe park and alton towers multiple times a year lol since last night we have arrange to take her to meet him before hand and stay with them until she wants us to leave then leave them to it for a few hours and let her decide if she wants to go out for her birthday with her dad and his partner. so will see how it goes.