Need some advice surrounding a problematic brother (long thread)

[Mason-]

Seen your point on Rehab in the OP and thought I'd relay my families experience with it. My mother's cousin is a heroin addict. My grandparents remortgaged their house to put her through rehab, and she still went back to it. They are in their 70s, my grandmother is severely ill and they've been raising their daughter's (the drug addicts) daughter (their grand child) since birth. They are knackered, and have no money. And have to raise a bratty teenager.

The point I'm making is, is that Rehab might not necessarily work and it could be expensive. It seems like prison was a rehab of sorts for your brother and he still went back to it.

Not particularly upbeat I know but I've seen what a drug addict in the family can do and just thought I'd tell you that rehab is not necessarily a panacea.

 

[Phate]

Regarding the rehab/detox thoughts. In my head I want this to happen because currently its not possible to speak to my brother about anything remotely serious as you don't know how he will react, he barely remembers the day before due to his self medicated mixture of prescribed medications + whatever else he decides on the day to put him through. My thought is, IF you could at least (even if forced) get his head clear, you might be able to talk to him with some conviction and begin putting him on a better path because he might be able to think straight.

But regardless of that, that is outside of my power of what can be done. Speaking with the Police and trying to get some traction for them to take action is something I can do.

 

[-westy-]

Regarding the rehab/detox thoughts. In my head I want this to happen because currently its not possible to speak to my brother about anything remotely serious as you don't know how he will react, he barely remembers the day before due to his self medicated mixture of prescribed medications + whatever else he decides on the day to put him through. My thought is, IF you could at least (even if forced) get his head clear, you might be able to talk to him with some conviction and begin putting him on a better path because he might be able to think straight.

But regardless of that, that is outside of my power of what can be done. Speaking with the Police and trying to get some traction for them to take action is something I can do.

I think you've done what you can. When it comes to any mental clarity or a sort of "eureka!" moment, I'm doubtful that that can be achieved - knowing what I do of people who suffer with addiction. Unfortunately (and this is something that resonates with me personally as you know), Rroff was right in saying that a massive step change in behaviour only tends to occur when something truly tragic happens. Which is absolutely awful, but unfortunately, true.

 

[Semple]

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

I think sometimes people just cannot be helped. If he already got clean in prison and then lead a reasonably normal life for a few months outside before self-destructing again, it's just going to be a vicious cycle.

I suspect on the scale of things he's rather immature even at 28 years old, and maybe a long stint (10+ years) might actually do him some good to straighten him out. You'd hope by then he'd be in his 40's and have a different perspective on life.

As another poster said, might be worth getting him checked out for something like bipolar disorder, could certainly explain his erratic changes in personality etc.

 

[PC777]

Seems your Mum and Dad felt guilt over the divorce affecting him at 15 and have somewhat coddled and let him get away with stuff ever since.

So he worked for jobs 3 weeks then left them but somehow later still got a car? How'd he pay for it? Seems he's being enabled.

At 28 with all he's done to still be living between your Mum and Dad's place is pretty unbelievable - most parents would have kicked him out long ago. Especially since there seems to be other younger step siblings around too.

Piddling around with a little power toy boats isn't going to give him any kind of rush he'd get from drugs, he needs some kind of intense physical activity if he's even going to stand a chance of kicking any kind of drugs habit.

At 6ft 4, 20 stone unless he's ripped he's probably overweight too, can you get him to do any kind of cardio sport? Jogging, cycling or even better, get in a boxing or MMA club. It might seem crazy but boxing or MMA could help him get some discipline and getting some humbling beat downs in sparring could help knock some sense into him.

It seems between prison and your Mum and Dad looking after him he's never had to worry about where his next meal or even where his next car comes from.

He hasn't his rock bottom yet because he's always had someone there to help him.

I know from experience in my own family if he carries on in his 30's like this, he's extremely unlikely to ever change his ways, at 28 he's still got a big chance to turn a new leaf.

Tough love is needed, seems your family has exhausted the kind approach.

 

[Smokey Deza]

All this rehab waffle, whatever man.

Just sever ties like you were doing. Trust is a hard thing to win back.

 

[shadow_boxer]

To update you all. I contacted the Essex Police Switchboard and explained the situation and emphasised that due to these pending results from the accident in May he is behaving more and more erratically and aggressively, is there any way we can get more information on how long this is going to take. She was very helpful, she looked up the incident, found it, and also found the officer in charge. She has emailed him with my contact information asking him to call me ASAP. I feel then once I get the OIC on the phone I can drive home whats really going on and my hoping is that this new information might cause some prioritization and speed things up a bit.

Called Dad afterwards and explained what I have done he was genuinely thankful and will call me back later tonight.

First of all what an awful situation for you and your parents. In can sympathise somewhat. My younger brother too had challenges following mental breakdown which brought on by failing university. The effect on parents is gut wrenching and heartbreaking.

I sincerely hope the officers take it seriously but my experience was somewhat different. My brother had some minor run ins with the law but we got absolutely nowhere with the police. They were frankly useless. He's a very clever lad (was studying medicine) and easily manipulated them and said what they wanted to hear. One day he was taken into custody for failing to appear for a court appearance. My father, wife and I spent all day at the station and insisted on them getting an assessment from the police surgeon (doctor). The inital Doctor didn't do anything but after a lot of pushing we finally managed to get another assessment that prompted a mental health act assessment. This was all done behind closed doors from us and they didn't speak to us at all. Eventually he was given the all clear (wrongly we thought at the time) by them but he was at least in the system from the mental health point of view.

They came to assess at home a number of times and it was again only after some direct calls to his psychiatry consultant he was finally sectioned under the mental health act. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and started on medication. A couple of years later he's just finished another degree. His mental health issues had been going on for years but it was only when my wife saw things from the outside as it were it made things clearer for us. If we hadn't had pushed and pushed in not sure where he'd be.

Your brothers case is clearly much more complicated but be there for your parents. I told my parents to cut him loose after he raised a knife (without intent) on my mum but they stuck by him. I'm not sure how to be honest. I would be finding out out you local mental health team and access/crisis team. If you're brother does show or express any danger to himself or even others then this may be a route they will take seriously. Unfortunately my brother knew exactly what to say to them.

 

[hurfdurf]

Your hope is he goes back to prison and then doesn't get out for a long time. Some people don't want help, and you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

I am as wooly liberal lefty as they come so believe in second chances, and your brother is sick, but he's the kind of sick that doesn't get better as one of the symptoms is not caring you are sick.

Prison did him good before, it'll do so again.

Be thankful he's not getting women pregnant and adding that complication into your parents lives on top of everything else with them now having to look after his waste of space genetic spawns as their grandkids.

Maybe 4 more years of prison will get him off what ever he's on and back on meds that actually help.

 

[rainbowGuy]

is there no way to have one of these chats about him, his behaviour and his future? (i know you said he gets mad quite quick but still).. Also i wonder what prison will do - last time he got clean and then started again after he left, would he do the same this time too :/

maybe take him on a trip to homeless shelters, or such places and make him think/realise thats his future if he doesnt 'man up'

 

[Terminal_Boy]

All this rehab waffle, whatever man.

Just sever ties like you were doing. Trust is a hard thing to win back.

People can only be helped if they truly want to change their ways. OP’s brother doesn’t want help, so he needs to be kept away from the family.

 

[jimjamuk]

Sounds like a bad situation to be in. Well I would take your Mum back to where you live (you say you only visit the uK) for "holiday" until hes put back inside. Tell your Dad to avoid the area. Then once he's inside get them both to move and cut all ties with him...

 

[Phate]

Update on this one.

Since the last time posting here, I was able to reach the officer in charge who established to me that my brother would be given a decision whether or not he would be summoned to court or with no further charges being pressed, they then updated my brother and that seemed to calm him down significantly. It seemed to settle his nerves a bit which gave everyone a much needed break.

Since then, there has been more developments much of which is more personal than legal that I don't really want to delve into however there is a development I am not sure on and could do with any advice from those with experience (any police around?)

Brother has been given a court date. October 10th. He has failed his drug test, therefore been summoned to court for prosecution. Now, when we found out this news, honestly...it came as a relief for us all, we're all convinced he is going back inside and glad for it.

Now, here is the difficult bit. On Monday (and I apologise if these details are not complete) Mum called to say that he isn't going back inside, the reason she seems convinced of this is (punch line time) his parole officer(s) have said it is their responsibility for not taking enough action to keep him on the straight and narrow. Therefore they assume responsibility?

Now...I have never heard of something like this. Is this even possible? Googling doesn't bring me much info that helps. Regardless, it seems he is still being summoned to court.

So there are a few questions we're left with...

- As mentioned, can the parole board assume this responsibility?
- If thats possible, where does that leave him with the pending court summons and charges? Ultimately he's still breached his parole. Also admitted guilt to driving under the influence to the police which attended the scene

I guess we're just looking for a bit of help on what to expect come next week. Anything is welcome

Thanks all

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I've no advice or experience to offer but I'd *imagine* the Parole Board trump the personal opinion of a Parole Officer (noting this person's opinion is second hand via your mother).

Best of luck and keep on keeping on

 

[Donnie Fisher]

He may well be summoned back to court regardless ... what gets put forward at the court hearing will determine the whether he goes back to jail or not.

Some of that evidence may be exculpatory / mitigating ... such as the parole board saying "yeah, he did it, but really thats our fault for not looking after him ... so we promise we'll look after him more if you dont sent him back to prison" ... and there is the real possibility that the judge will prefer that option. (In Scotland, there is elements of the justice system which work on a general presumption of liberty, so if there is a way to have someone avoid jail time, then they'll try and take that option.)

---------------------------

As for your brother ...
- help is there for those that want it.
- if they dont want it, the help rarely helps
- people forced to do stuff often rebel against it, see point 2.

From what you've described, personally it reads like addiction rather than mental health.

As for supporting him ... I'm in the cut him loose side. The family's wellbeing far outweighs the cost of supporting your brother being an eijit imho.

Its already been mentioned, but some sort of restraining order just may well be the other of day. Does he stay with your parents ? Normally to be released from court you need a confirmed address to go to. Your parents ( if he's staying there ) could block that and say he's not welcome.

Then if they do that, if he turns up and causes, call the cops and report him for breach/harassment/public order offences.

Your parents shouldn't have to put up it ... however they may have to take a stand and actively make complaints against him.

Its not easy. I dont envy your situation.

 

[IvanDobskey]

Really feel for you in this predicament There is no helping people who don't want help and are hell bent on self destruction unfortunately

 

[robgmun]

Your hope is he goes back to prison and then doesn't get out for a long time. Some people don't want help, and you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

I am as wooly liberal lefty as they come so believe in second chances, and your brother is sick, but he's the kind of sick that doesn't get better as one of the symptoms is not caring you are sick.

Prison did him good before, it'll do so again.

Be thankful he's not getting women pregnant and adding that complication into your parents lives on top of everything else with them now having to look after his waste of space genetic spawns as their grandkids.

Maybe 4 more years of prison will get him off what ever he's on and back on meds that actually help.

Can't help but agree. And you have a tough choice to make, either you help him and drag the family down with him, or you cut him out of you and parents life forever. Which won't help him but would free you and your parents to make progress in life.

 

[clubb699]

You all need to delete him from your family ASAP no
excuses this sounds harsh but trust me on this, he will never change infact this will end in tears been there done it .

Good luck

 

[doodah]

At a loss for words Phate , hopefully getting it off your chest along with some OcUK advice will help.

 

[Phate]

Thanks for your replies, advice and support. Sometimes getting it off my chest does help indeed.

And also thanks for the comments RE the court and parole, it makes more sense now.

 

[hominid]

My half brother is very similar to your brother, although mine is in jail at the moment for possession of drugs, drug driving(I think), attempted burglary and some other violence related charges. He's coming to the end of a 3 1/2 year sentence so still inside for now.

My brother was so off his face on speed, base which I think is more concentrated form of speed, that he was having massive paranoia attacks and to the point that he had small containers of acid, so he said, in his van so that he could 'do' anyone that crosses him - including his then girlfriend. He's a paranoid schizophrenic that chooses to self medicate with speed as, he says, it's the only thing that stops the voices.

I tried to get him sectioned but the mental health unit was totally useless as soon as they saw that they heard he was violent and non-compliant(with meds). They told me to report it to the police and if the police thought it was a mental health issue then they, the police, was welcome to get them involved.

The only thing you can do is get pro-active, you need to get your parents to get a restraining order ASAP especially for your step mum and the children, and keep a diary of all the interactions you/they may have with him. If you are at your whits end then it's the only thing you can do. I spent years trying to help my (half) brother, but I came to realise that all he did was take advantage of everyone all the time, even though I was trying to help I was only facilitating him even more.

I know it's a hard thing to do, but for your own, and your mum/dad/etc, sanity he needs to know enough is enough.