The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[wellsy]

You don't need to walk away but you need to be willing to. Stop chasing her for a start, just relax, let her be the one who initiates contact, see friends, keep yourself busy. When you next hang out go home a bit earlier than you normally would. You aren't doing this to be funny or nasty, just make an excuse that you have something to do and arrange to see her the next day or later on. If she's messaging you then you have to be the one who takes longer to reply, let her reply last, etc. Be cool and things will be fine.

The chasing part is what I am finding difficult, I leave it for a day then I am straight on to texting the next day and then i send multiple... I just want to be in contact with her, I thnk things have come to an end now though, I have ****ed her off to the point where she doesn't wanna know me I think. I know I'm messing up by pressuring her but I can't help it I know what you are saying but it's so bloody hard. I guess if she doesn't want to know then she doesn't want to know.. you can't force things to happen I really do love the girl, I know her very well and what attracts me the most is that we usually have great communication but now she's all distant and blowing cold. I wish we went slow from the start then maybe this wouldn't have happened, but we couldn't control how fast it went. I think she just got scared and is confused and wanted to slow it down but I never listened and now I feel like a right idiot.

Next time she brings it up just tell her you agree that being friends is best, and seeing as you’re just friends you will be meeting other girls so will have to see her less

See I don't want to see other girls I only want to be with her.. I can't even look at another girl at the moment.

 

[tom_e]

It takes two to steam headfirst into a relationship, stop blaming yourself she holds just as much blame for going with it.

 

[singularity]

Hello all

Just thought I'd post here to see if I can get some help or whatever.

Been suffering from depression for many years now and I got diagonised with borderline personality disorder a few years ago.

Anyway long story short I was seeing a girl for about 6 months and until recently it was going so good, but she recently told me that everything is going too fast and she wants to slow it down, but there is me who falls to quickly and deeply getting worried and then I am on her case constantly being obsessive etc.. I do love her and she says she loves me but I have ultimately pushed her away..
Now she has ended it and said she wants to see how we are as friends first, but the thing is we are still doing the same stuff as we were when when was together, kissing, cuddling, sex etc... but it mostly on her terms. This is confusing the hell out of me and lately she is up and down like a yo-yo, one minute she wanna know the next she don't. Hot and cold.
She does have her own stuff to deal with right now she recently moved back to her mum and dads because her ex was abusive and hit her etc and she has moved out of her flat to get away from him, she has a daughter at 3 years old so there isn't any stability there and I think that maybe why, she is getting a lot of stress lately.

Anyway, because of my own issues and I probably ultimately pushed her to this because of my issues I am feeling extremely low again and having suicidal thoughts. (not just because of her but my depression in general, this has just made it worse) I really do love her and I know it's only been 6 months but still.. I've never met anyone who has made me feel like she has, the communication, how we get on, sex life all of it is amazing.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this and I don't know what else to do, I try and tell her that I'm here for her but I dunno what else to do... maybe I should just walk away because it's hurting me too much to keep chasing her. But it's so hard to walk away knowing how I feel, I just keep sobbing daily, I may sound pathetic but I feel a lot more emotions than people without mental health issues and it's really the worst feeling in this world this pain.

Thanks for reading.

I think you need to be very patient, anyone who's been through what she has is going to be fairly cautious.

 

[wellsy]

It takes two to steam headfirst into a relationship, stop blaming yourself she holds just as much blame for going with it.

Yeah I guess.. I do blame myself for pushing her away though when I should have slowed down like she asked, but then again I didn't want it to slow down..

I think you need to be very patient, anyone who's been through what she has is going to be fairly cautious.

Also forgot to mention she gave birth to a baby in 2018 which died the following day which also has had a huge impact on her. I am trying to be patient but I think I've just pushed her too far, I've sent her a few texts today but she hasn't replied.

 

[Roar87]

The chasing part is what I am finding difficult, I leave it for a day then I am straight on to texting the next day and then i send multiple... I just want to be in contact with her, I thnk things have come to an end now though, I have ****ed her off to the point where she doesn't wanna know me I think. I know I'm messing up by pressuring her but I can't help it I know what you are saying but it's so bloody hard. I guess if she doesn't want to know then she doesn't want to know.. you can't force things to happen I really do love the girl, I know her very well and what attracts me the most is that we usually have great communication but now she's all distant and blowing cold. I wish we went slow from the start then maybe this wouldn't have happened, but we couldn't control how fast it went. I think she just got scared and is confused and wanted to slow it down but I never listened and now I feel like a right idiot.

It's not really a slow it down thing, it's more of a 'you're coming on too strong too early' kind of thing. We've all been there at some point, I'm aware it's easy for me to say just chill out and don't message her when your brain is sat there finding excuses for you to message her (this is normal), but if you want to save this thing (if that's possible, I obviously don't know the details) then you need to stop messaging her and show less interest than she does. This is unfortunately how women work. If you're too keen too fast then you turn them off. If you want some more general advice then do some exercise, it always makes me feel better.

 

[malachi]

Hello all

Just thought I'd post here to see if I can get some help or whatever.

Been suffering from depression for many years now and I got diagonised with borderline personality disorder a few years ago.

Anyway long story short I was seeing a girl for about 6 months and until recently it was going so good, but she recently told me that everything is going too fast and she wants to slow it down, but there is me who falls to quickly and deeply getting worried and then I am on her case constantly being obsessive etc.. I do love her and she says she loves me but I have ultimately pushed her away..
Now she has ended it and said she wants to see how we are as friends first, but the thing is we are still doing the same stuff as we were when when was together, kissing, cuddling, sex etc... but it mostly on her terms. This is confusing the hell out of me and lately she is up and down like a yo-yo, one minute she wanna know the next she don't. Hot and cold.
She does have her own stuff to deal with right now she recently moved back to her mum and dads because her ex was abusive and hit her etc and she has moved out of her flat to get away from him, she has a daughter at 3 years old so there isn't any stability there and I think that maybe why, she is getting a lot of stress lately.

Anyway, because of my own issues and I probably ultimately pushed her to this because of my issues I am feeling extremely low again and having suicidal thoughts. (not just because of her but my depression in general, this has just made it worse) I really do love her and I know it's only been 6 months but still.. I've never met anyone who has made me feel like she has, the communication, how we get on, sex life all of it is amazing.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this and I don't know what else to do, I try and tell her that I'm here for her but I dunno what else to do... maybe I should just walk away because it's hurting me too much to keep chasing her. But it's so hard to walk away knowing how I feel, I just keep sobbing daily, I may sound pathetic but I feel a lot more emotions than people without mental health issues and it's really the worst feeling in this world this pain.

Thanks for reading.

You need to walk away, cut all ties with her and stop chasing because you are not doing yourself any favours.

You both got a lot going on in your personal lives and its not a good idea for either of you to be dating at all, never mind each other. Later on down the line its just a recipe for disaster relationship wise which will mentally effect you even worse.

She said wants to be friends....when women say this it really means "I like you but I don't like you THAT much" Doesn't matter if a relationship is going too fast or slow, if she liked you that much she would move heaven and earth to be will you and commit 100% to the relationship. Not wasting your time going hot and cold.

You are chasing her and you shouldn't be, it shows you don't have much going on in your life. Watch what happens when her attention is diverted to another man all of a sudden kissing, cuddling, sex etc stops. Then when you ask why, you get the response "but we were only friends" Then you be crushed.

Focus on improving your mental health and well-being, get more activities in your life so you are out doing stuff. Not focusing your attention on her, she should be a complement to your life, NOT the focus of your life. Otherwise you come across needy and that's a turn off for all women.

Final note, no matter how well the communication, you get on, sex life is. Avoid women with physical and mental baggage. They will bring no value to your life whatsoever.

 

[wellsy]

It's not really a slow it down thing, it's more of a 'you're coming on too strong too early' kind of thing. We've all been there at some point, I'm aware it's easy for me to say just chill out and don't message her when your brain is sat there finding excuses for you to message her (this is normal), but if you want to save this thing (if that's possible, I obviously don't know the details) then you need to stop messaging her and show less interest than she does. This is unfortunately how women work. If you're too keen too fast then you turn them off. If you want some more general advice then do some exercise, it always makes me feel better.

Thanks and I totally get what you are saying.

You need to walk away, cut all ties with her and stop chasing because you are not doing yourself any favours.

You both got a lot going on in your personal lives and its not a good idea for either of you to be dating at all, never mind each other. Later on down the line its just a recipe for disaster relationship wise which will mentally effect you even worse.

She said wants to be friends....when women say this it really means "I like you but I don't like you THAT much" Doesn't matter if a relationship is going too fast or slow, if she liked you that much she would move heaven and earth to be will you and commit 100% to the relationship. Not wasting your time going hot and cold.

You are chasing her and you shouldn't be, it shows you don't have much going on in your life. Watch what happens when her attention is diverted to another man all of a sudden kissing, cuddling, sex etc stops. Then when you ask why, you get the response "but we were only friends" Then you be crushed.

Focus on improving your mental health and well-being, get more activities in your life so you are out doing stuff. Not focusing your attention on her, she should be a complement to your life, NOT the focus of your life. Otherwise you come across needy and that's a turn off for all women.

Final note, no matter how well the communication, you get on, sex life is. Avoid women with physical and mental baggage. They will bring no value to your life whatsoever.

Thanks I think I have to agree even though I don't want too.. the main reason she said about being friends is because she said she wants us to see how we are as friends, and build a strong friendship before a relationship? you need a good friendship in a relationship. I get what she is saying but it's confusing too. I mean we have had nights out when she has had a few drinks then she really does open and tells me how she really feels then back to reality she goes cold most of the time again... arghh it's so annoying. My heart wants to stay and continue fighting for her but my brain is saying no.

 

[malachi]

You don't want to but you have to if you care enough about your own well-being.

This friendship nonsense, if you are already sleeping together during the six months and she broke off the relationship to go back to being friends but you still act like you are a couple?!?!

She's stringing you along till she finds someone else. So she can convince herself she's single to justify her actions.

 

[singularity]

Yeah I guess.. I do blame myself for pushing her away though when I should have slowed down like she asked, but then again I didn't want it to slow down..



Also forgot to mention she gave birth to a baby in 2018 which died the following day which also has had a huge impact on her. I am trying to be patient but I think I've just pushed her too far, I've sent her a few texts today but she hasn't replied.

OMG that's awful, she really will be in a state of trauma. I really think her relationship with you is the least of her worries.

 

[413x]

You don't want to but you have to if you care enough about your own well-being.

This friendship nonsense, if you are already sleeping together during the six months and she broke off the relationship to go back to being friends but you still act like you are a couple?!?!

She's stringing you along till she finds someone else. So she can convince herself she's single to justify her actions.

Agree with this

Seeing how it goes as friends is just cruel.
It's extremely rare this is genuine, and much more likely to be...

'I'm not interested in that way but don't want to feel like a horrible person, so I'll be nice and offer friendship, they'll get the picture eventually. '

Or

'I can't face fully telling this poor person who is obviously besotted with me in not interested, so I'll just offer friendship because I'm a nice person'

Or, even worse

'I'm not interested to commit, but if I don't get anything better, I might want to come back, they obviously are so keen they'll do everything for me, so I'll keep the door slightly open,'

But for the party left behind they have hope (usually false) that if they up their game they will get back in. They give up on other opportunities with other women even though in reality there's no hope and they are wasting their time

Really ,it's one of the worst things someone can do. Just an easy way out for them And avoids awkwardness (for them)

 

[Beasty]

It's hard I know, especially when you feel strongly for someone but you do need to back off and let her make more of the first moves.

She is/has been going through a lot, same as you but ultimately I am afraid if someone is worth the effort to them then they will make it. If you're making all the first moves then you're giving her all the attention without her having to do much, so she won't.

You have to accept she is more than likely gone though because these tactics don't exactly work long term.

 

[A2Z]

So a weird internet dating occurrence tonight , well it seems weird to me anyway...

Been chatting to a lady for about 10 days, we've spoken three times on the phone for hours including last night.. she sounds really nice. So we arranged to meet tonight. At 7.05 she messaged saying she'd leaving home at 7.30, so eta about 7.45. Great, so I arrive about 7.40.....WhatsApp her to let her know there are parking spaces available message got two ticks i.e was delivered.

Then nothing.... she didn't arrive, didn't reply to my message... all sent messages since have only got one tick in WhatsApp and phone goes straight to voicemail.. I waited an hour then headed home and I've heard nothing since.

We're both in our 40's .. so I wouldn't expect this from an "adult" .. but it seems on the face of it she was messing me about... weird

Curious if you found out what happened?

 

[leoncuprar]

Nope never heard a thing from her and everything comms wise was just blocked... was very bloody annoying wasting my time like that..

 

[secretspy]

Nope never heard a thing from her and everything comms wise was just blocked... was very bloody annoying wasting my time like that..

I really don't understand why someone would do that :/ to not only arrange a date and send a message to say you're leaving shortly but then never bother showing up and giving no explanation as to why ?!?!

Seriously, these women are letting the side down! I'd never treat someone like that.

 

[Roar87]

I really don't understand why someone would do that :/ to not only arrange a date and send a message to say you're leaving shortly but then never bother showing up and giving no explanation as to why ?!?!

Seriously, these women are letting the side down! I'd never treat someone like that.

Probably an ex on the scene and she bottled it

 

[secretspy]

Probably an ex on the scene and she bottled it

Possibly but is a bit of common courtesy really that difficult these days?!
Maybe I'm just old fashioned and believe you should treat others how you'd like to be treated :/

 

[413x]

Nope never heard a thing from her and everything comms wise was just blocked... was very bloody annoying wasting my time like that..

Yes! I know that feeling !
Was on date number 7 over a month or so and girl just vanished. Not after arranging a date at least but during. Fine, after 2 or 3 dates, but 7 over that time? At least say you've moved on. In her 30s too.

That canned it for Internet dating for me

 

[XeNoN89]

Ghosting is a real issue. Don't know how it became so wide spread. It's just straight up rudeness.

 

[413x]

Ghosting is a real issue. Don't know how it became so wide spread. It's just straight up rudeness.

I mean I get and accept it after one or 2 dates. But after several.. At least be decent. Its fine to change your mind, but so some decency

 

[malachi]

Internet dating can show how rude some people really are.

18 months ago I went on a few dates with a girl, who I met through a friend. She randomly stopped responding to my messages then in December she saw me in a bar. Started having a conversation with me as if nothing had happened. I was ready to call her out on it but I thought what was the point.

People are just rude and ignorant. You dont need internet dating to show that.