The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[krooton]

First sentence saves me replying. Each sex has its good and bad demographics with more soft touches on a forum like this. I don’t think there’s anything for anyone to defend here.

If someone actually believes all women are cheats and over emotional so and sos then that’s their problem, doesn’t mean we believe it. Most of the time I put it down to people letting there emotional feels out

Guys, keep in mind there might be plenty of players and cheats on here, but the dudes just don't post about it.

Guaranteed that there are a bunch of guys on here that have been absolutely horrible to their partners/exes, but we would never know.

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Having had a few hours to cool down and consider my actions, I'd like to apologise for my earlier post - a moment of 'red mist' on my part and not indicative of how I normally think. More importantly, not how I was brought up either.

That doesn't excuse demonising an entire gender based on the actions of a couple of individuals and it was a pretty scummy thing to say. Feeling pretty embarrassed with myself right now, as well I should.

 

[Mason-]

Don't worry about it. One thing where we can be irrational and animalistic is in relationships. Plenty of worse things has been said.

 

[malachi]

Having had a few hours to cool down and consider my actions, I'd like to apologise for my earlier post - a moment of 'red mist' on my part and not indicative of how I normally think. More importantly, not how I was brought up either.

That doesn't excuse demonising an entire gender based on the actions of a couple of individuals and it was a pretty scummy thing to say. Feeling pretty embarrassed with myself right now, as well I should.

It happens to all of us, if you feel the need to vent then feel free.

 

[413x]

As a woman I've bitten my tongue at a lot of comments in this thread but I feel like I have to defend my gender here a little. Yes some of us are emotional. Yes some of us struggle to be alone but please do not tar us all with the same brush.

Would you like it if I said all men are cheats and liars, all men are violent just because that's what I've experienced?!

I've been single for a couple of years now and I have never gone from one relationship straight into another one.

I have plenty of exes who have done so though. Given the usual BS of "Oh I need to be single for a while, sort my head out" etc and a month or so later I find out they are dating someone new.

There are men and women equally as bad as each other but we aren't all the same.

Yeah I do not like sweeping statements either
Its not men or women, just people. Generalising is so dangerous. Like labelling all vegans as in your face. Everyone is an individual

 

[Roar87]

Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options, most newly single men can't immediately date someone new, most women who aren't very unattractive would have options the same day they broke up with their partner. I know a few girls who if they were single I'd take them out the next day, and they know this, there are some men who would have a lot of options immediately but they're the top of the food chain blokes.

 

[malachi]

Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options, most newly single men can't immediately date someone new, most women who aren't very unattractive would have options the same day they broke up with their partner. I know a few girls who if they were single I'd take them out the next day, and they know this, there are some men who would have a lot of options immediately but they're the top of the food chain blokes.

Yep, only the top 10% of men have options.

Women at the bottom of the attraction scale still have many more options compared to a man who is also at the bottom end of the attraction scale. That man probably has none to be honest. Always has been like that and always will be.

Statics do show most divorces are initiate by women but I know two of my friends who left their wife's to be with another woman.

 

[Ayahuasca]

The divorce initiation statistic is massively skewed because of how finances and resources are handled in the process.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Yeah I do not like sweeping statements either
Its not men or women, just people. Generalising is so dangerous. Like labelling all vegans as in your face. Everyone is an individual

Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options, most newly single men can't immediately date someone new, most women who aren't very unattractive would have options the same day they broke up with their partner. I know a few girls who if they were single I'd take them out the next day, and they know this, there are some men who would have a lot of options immediately but they're the top of the food chain blokes.

No one else enjoying this as much as I am? No? Anyone? Bueller?

 

[Jonnybmac]

Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options, most newly single men can't immediately date someone new, most women who aren't very unattractive would have options the same day they broke up with their partner. I know a few girls who if they were single I'd take them out the next day, and they know this, there are some men who would have a lot of options immediately but they're the top of the food chain blokes.

As soon as I got off holiday and broke up I went out with a friend. I bumped into a girl in a shop I was seeing for a short period about 6 years ago which died a death for no apparent reason. She then messaged me the same night having known I'm now single to go over old times and apologise that she did a disappearing act. Shes also bumped into my friend who was with me at the time after to ask if I said anything about her since we met and she was gutted and it hasn't been the same since she met me and she was scared cause I appeared to nice. Was pretty strange and swelled my head to hear that but I haven't gone and jumped into bed with her because I've allowed myself time to process all the emotions from the break up. Think that's what hurts the most to be honest but I guess people deal with things in different ways.

 

[Roar87]

No one else enjoying this as much as I am? No? Anyone? Bueller?

To clarify I disagree that men and women are the same. A women who isn't very unattractive could go out and get laid 7 nights a week if she wanted to, to do the same thing a man would have to be in the top 1% of men, by attractiveness I don't just mean looks either. It just isn't the same. Of course anecdotally there will be anomalies, but women have more immediate options available to them, this is just a fact. Do you have anything original of your own to add magnolia or is it just your usual trash post?

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

My point was that the previous comments had been about how sweeping generalisations are often wildly inaccurate and unrepresentative of individuals and then you come barreling in with "Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options" which is a huge generalisation. It was your tone deafness of the recent discussion I found amusing more than anything.

 

[Schlong&Stable]

My point was that the previous comments had been about how sweeping generalisations are often wildly inaccurate and unrepresentative of individuals and then you come barreling in with "Women tend to move on quicker than men simply because they have more options" which is a huge generalisation. It was your tone deafness of the recent discussion I found amusing more than anything.

A generalisation is not about individuals though. You'd have a point if he was trying to apply the generalisation to a specific person, but this one doesn't really count. But stay sharp eyed and no doubt you'll get another internet point for catching someone out!

(I'm getting two for this point)

 

[JonnyT]

Anyone else feel like giving up with the whole dating thing? I'm a decent, straight-up guy, good job, own house, etc. Yet it increasingly feels like I don't fit the 'profile', because I'm not a bearded, tatooted, vaping, arrogant **** I'm now left on the wayside

 

[Ayahuasca]

Do you mean you’re bald/balding good sir?

 

[malachi]

Anyone else feel like giving up with the whole dating thing? I'm a decent, straight-up guy, good job, own house, etc. Yet it increasingly feels like I don't fit the 'profile', because I'm not a bearded, tatooted, vaping, arrogant **** I'm now left on the wayside

What kind of dates have you been going on?

 

[Roar87]

Anyone else feel like giving up with the whole dating thing? I'm a decent, straight-up guy, good job, own house, etc. Yet it increasingly feels like I don't fit the 'profile', because I'm not a bearded, tatooted, vaping, arrogant **** I'm now left on the wayside

None of those are attractive traits on their own. Do you dress well, are you in decent shape, are you confident, well groomed, etc?

 

[JonnyT]

None of those are attractive traits on their own. Do you dress well, are you in decent shape, are you confident, well groomed, etc?

I try to dress well, always try to make sure I'm well groomed and of decent appearance, especially on nights out. Shape wise I'm a little heavy at the moment after too much indulgence on holiday, but I'm by no means fat; I can carry a little weight thanks to being tall.

Confidence is probably my achilles heel; I've never really been blessed with much of it, and a knock-back can really set me back. I met a woman on Tinder early on this year who was nigh-on perfect for me; we got on, went on quite a few dates including days out & a weekend away;=. My mistake was falling for her too quickly; I told her I liked her a lot (after 6-8 weeks) and she pretty much dropped me straight away, saying she could never love anyone, and she'd realised what we'd had was heading for boyfriend-girlfriend territory, and that was not what she wanted. It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world and shattered what little confidence I'd gained from seeing such a stunning woman with a great personality.

The problem is, how do you build, (re)gain or obtain confidence?

What kind of dates have you been going on?

That's part of the problem; I'm getting no interest, save for the Tinder experience mentioned above.

 

[Hades]

I try to dress well, always try to make sure I'm well groomed and of decent appearance, especially on nights out. Shape wise I'm a little heavy at the moment after too much indulgence on holiday, but I'm by no means fat; I can carry a little weight thanks to being tall.

Confidence is probably my achilles heel; I've never really been blessed with much of it, and a knock-back can really set me back. I met a woman on Tinder early on this year who was nigh-on perfect for me; we got on, went on quite a few dates including days out & a weekend away;=. My mistake was falling for her too quickly; I told her I liked her a lot (after 6-8 weeks) and she pretty much dropped me straight away, saying she could never love anyone, and she'd realised what we'd had was heading for boyfriend-girlfriend territory, and that was not what she wanted. It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world and shattered what little confidence I'd gained from seeing such a stunning woman with a great personality.

The problem is, how do you build, (re)gain or obtain confidence?



That's part of the problem; I'm getting no interest, save for the Tinder experience mentioned above.

Confidence is one of, if not the most, important trait. I think you should hit the gym and improve your diet. It will solve three problems; You'll lose the weight, all (well fitting) clothes look better on a fit body and fitness breeds confidence. But don't just go to the gym thinking merely turning up and doing a few weights will give much benefit. Properly look into diet and lift heavy weights to make a difference. It also takes a couple of years of dedication but it can be life changing.

I've let myself slip back to poor diet, poor fitness and excess weight again. But a few years ago I got into the best shape of my life (in my mid to late forties at the time) and my confidence skyrocketed. I'm married so wasn't looking for the attention but found women in my social group, as well as random women in the street and bars, definitely change their attitude to me. Sadly I've allowed myself to slide back to a typical 50 year old dad bod so I really must sort myself out again. But I saw the difference it can make.

 

[Roar87]

I try to dress well, always try to make sure I'm well groomed and of decent appearance, especially on nights out. Shape wise I'm a little heavy at the moment after too much indulgence on holiday, but I'm by no means fat; I can carry a little weight thanks to being tall.

Confidence is probably my achilles heel; I've never really been blessed with much of it, and a knock-back can really set me back. I met a woman on Tinder early on this year who was nigh-on perfect for me; we got on, went on quite a few dates including days out & a weekend away;=. My mistake was falling for her too quickly; I told her I liked her a lot (after 6-8 weeks) and she pretty much dropped me straight away, saying she could never love anyone, and she'd realised what we'd had was heading for boyfriend-girlfriend territory, and that was not what she wanted. It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world and shattered what little confidence I'd gained from seeing such a stunning woman with a great personality.

The problem is, how do you build, (re)gain or obtain confidence?

The problem wasn't that you fell for her too quickly, it's that you expressed that to her. You can't directly tell a girl you like her before she does the same, otherwise they just lose interest, they've won - no challenge. It sounds stupid but that's just how women work, they need to feel like they're doing the chasing a bit, if you make it too easy they're not interested - where as men like to be direct and to the point.

I can't unfortunately teach you confidence, I can just tell you that when you're around women you should feel like you're one of the the top guys there and act like it. If you don't feel like that, then what would make you feel like that?

You could always just talk to women with the assumption that they like you until proven otherwise, because why wouldn't they?