The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Jonnybmac]

You just have to keep doing things to take your mind off of it. At the moment you aren't going to enjoy them. But if you keep doing it, eventually you'll smile for a minute, then two minutes and eventually you'll forget about her for the whole time and will enjoy yourself. You need to build yourself a new life without her in it, new experiences, new memories.

Nobody expects you to forget about her and move on in a matter of days, but you can definitely help yourself. Asking your Mum to show you photos is just utterly stupid though, it has no benefit except to hurt you. Try to remember that next time you want to ask. No good can come from it AT ALL.

(I am being blunt with my words, but honestly you have my total sympathy - I'm using the tough love approach).

Not blunt - telling me what I need to know thank you.

I know what you're going through @Jonnybmac - essentially where you are now is where I was a couple of years ago. It hurts, but it's not like any physical pain you've ever had.

ci_newman's post (quoted) is exactly right. It's critical that you deliberately do things that a) take your mind off your situation and b) if possible, for those things to be unconnected with activities you may have once done with your ex. Keep contact to an absolute minimum, or avoid it altogether if possible - I wasn't able to do this as much as I'd have liked, as we had to discuss what was happening with our jointly-owned house.

Reconnect with your family and friends. It's easy for these to take a back seat when you enthusiastically throw yourself into a flourishing relationship - I learnt recently that my own family always felt they were playing the proverbial 'second fiddle' to my wife's family ... that really hurt to find that out, as it wasn't intentional.

Use your time to explore new hobbies - in my case, going to the gym did wonders for my confidence and gave an outlet for the anger and frustration I was feeling. One of my family members still tells me to this day that it "saved your life", which when I thought about it, wasn't such an exaggeration. I'm now also taking up music again - I say 'again' as it was nearly 30 years ago that I last dabbled with writing my own.

What you are feeling is 100% natural and don't beat yourself up about it. If you feel the need to cry, don't feel ashamed about it - scream the bloody house down if it helps ... point is, don't bottle anything up, find a way of letting it out.

This last point might be a little contentious in light of the ill-judged rant I posted the other day (posted in anger and which I regret), but don't ever feel like less of a person because you haven't got a girlfriend - I don't know how old you are, but I'll assume between 20-30 for the sake of argument - there is so much more to life. The relationship of mine that ended a couple of years ago began when I was in my early 20s and with hindsight, it stopped me doing a lot of the mad stuff that most people do at that age. Hell, I only smoked weed for the first time last summer at the age of 49.

I'll be honest, at the age of 50 I've become so cynical about the whole relationships thing, I'm pretty close to being full-on MGTOW - please don't follow that example.

Yeah I'm trying - just a bit raw this at the moment. It's funny relationships, one minute you are at peak high and the next it all falls to pieces and that one person you thought you knew everything about becomes a stranger you can no longer talk to.

I would like to think I don't change, what you see is what you get. I don't hold grudges either as life is too short. That I think was one of the reasons I thought about messaging her to tell her how I felt... for the time we were together and for how I thought I knew her, so she could understand and we could have talked it out like adults and former lovers that despite everything there was love. Does that achieve anything? No. We would still be distant people as it just didn't work despite how much I, or we wanted maybe. It would be easy if I could hate her but she wasn't a bad person, we just clashed too much. I'm living in this false bubble that all of this is out of character and essentially she hasn't gone out of her way intentionally to hurt me. Who knows, she probably has. Maybe she was hurt at how I essentially ended it but for me I thought the feeling was mutual anyways. She may of already been out and me ending it was a blessing for her and she now feels liberated and can move on.

I need to give my head a shake I do know that.

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Yeah I'm trying - just a bit raw this at the moment. It's funny relationships, one minute you are at peak high and the next it all falls to pieces and that one person you thought you knew everything about becomes a stranger you can no longer talk to.

Got it in one, bud ... still does my nut in that the person who I’ve known for over 25 years, with whom I discussed everything, who was first to hear about it whenever I had good news and who knows me more intimately (in every sense of the word) than anyone else on the planet, is now a stranger and, through my own choice, not even a friend. It’s like a bereavement but the other person is still alive - that’s why it hurts so much.

Trust me, you will get through it - exactly how can only be your decision - but over time you’ll find your ex gets further and further from your thoughts. Come back here and vent regularly if it helps - there’s always someone who will lend an ear.

 

[wedrum]

- but over time you’ll find your ex gets further and further from your thoughts. Come back here and vent regularly if it helps - there’s always someone who will lend an ear.

]

exactly this, i was with someone for 18 years until a few months ago, yes its tough at first but i am now with a fit blonde and my ex i dont even think about anymore.
you will move on there is just a process to go through.

dont be so hard on yourself.

 

[Jonnybmac]

Thank you for your support. I'm not mentally ready for another relationship. If I did it would take my mind off things but wouldn't be fair on that person.

Just going to take it day by day and find time for myself

 

[Electroshadow]

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[CREATIVE!11]

I'm really struggling to comprehend my ex and the photos I seen of her with another person so soon after we split. Its selfish not to want to wish her happiness and I'm trying not to feel bitter.

Part of me wants to message her telling her that if it's a reaction she wanted then she got one and it has levelled me.
Why post pictures of somewhere I go climbing her a new man so soon after? That's what I cannot comprehend. I wouldn't send it as it would be embarrassing to do so, I wouldn't even know if she's blocked me and won't even see it and it would give her satisfaction but so much of me wants to.

This weekend has been rough trying to find ways to take my mind off it. Fighting sleep from waking up thinking about her.

Nah be bitter, don't listen to all people saying you should pretend to be ok with it and suppress how you truly feel.

Delete her / Block immediately my dude.

Nothing good comes from ex's on social media.

 

[Jonnybmac]

Anyone know if you ask the your gf to leave (she wanted to up until I agreed, along with telling me she feels nothing for me anymore) as she making your life hell as well as trying to take your house.
Will this stop me from being able to see my kids as she will obviously take them and I have effectively kicked them out back to her parents where she moved to earlier this year.

Solicitor has advised me that in order for her to get access to legal aid I should be expecting a free taxi with blue lights and a fabricated story of some sort of abuse. Surely this isn't correct is it? Not sure if I should pay another £££ for a second opinion elsewhere.

It doesn't seem to me to make sense to be living with the person who is taking me to court for my house.

You're not married so your house isn't considered a family home I don't think but not sure how it stands you turning out your own kids with her.
Woman can make up all sorts of lies. My child mother made out I abused my son cause he fell off his bike and chipped his tooth on his handlebars when with me. She took me to court first to make it more difficult for me to get any sort of access. Not funny as it's my son but funny in the fact 6 months later he fell down a flight of stairs in her care and knocked 3 teeth out.

They can make up all sorts of stories.

 

[Electroshadow]

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[ci_newman]

There really aren't enough pieces of the puzzle to give an answer here.

How long have you been together? Why is it "your house"? How old are the kids?

She may have a legitimate claim to a portion of the house, especially if she took a work-break to raise your children.

 

[Deleted member 77746]

You're not married so your house isn't considered a family home I don't think but not sure how it stands you turning out your own kids with her.
Woman can make up all sorts of lies. My child mother made out I abused my son cause he fell off his bike and chipped his tooth on his handlebars when with me. She took me to court first to make it more difficult for me to get any sort of access. Not funny as it's my son but funny in the fact 6 months later he fell down a flight of stairs in her care and knocked 3 teeth out.

They can make up all sorts of stories.

So can men so stop putting a mark on just woman. Everyone is capable of something weather they are male or female or in between.

 

[Electroshadow]

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[malachi]

Yes I know but I didn't want to say too much to be honest.
Long term relationship 15 years plus 3 kids although not married.
House is in my sole name all bills paid by myself everything from food to mortgage and everything in between, as she has never had a job for more than a month or two and I can only think of 5 jobs that she has had in those 15 years. I have basically paid all the bills including her personal bills phone car credit cards etc over that time.

Although since earlier this year she has been working after I said I can't afford it all anymore, that being said I've been paying for it since

I'm not surprised! Being with someone for 15 years, had 3 kids and they hardily worked.

 

[wingman]

as she has never had a job for more than a month or two and I can only think of 5 jobs that she has had in those 15 years.

That's pretty tragic but happens quite frequently.

Having said that, you've had three children (together, presumably), did she raise those children? Not advocating for her behaviour but if she raised the kids, kept the house in order, ran the admin of the house etc. then perhaps it's a more reasonable pill to swallow.

Although I'm surprised you managed 15 years worth of her not working, what did she do with her days? Couldn't even maintain a part time, school hours job? I'd go insane not working.

 

[Rids]

Surely she has a decent shot at gaining possession of the house until the kids are old enough to no longer be considered dependents?

 

[ci_newman]

Yes I know but I didn't want to say too much to be honest.
Long term relationship 15 years plus 3 kids although not married.
House is in my sole name all bills paid by myself everything from food to mortgage and everything in between, as she has never had a job for more than a month or two and I can only think of 5 jobs that she has had in those 15 years. I have basically paid all the bills including her personal bills phone car credit cards etc over that time.

Although since earlier this year she has been working after I said I can't afford it all anymore, that being said I've been paying for it since

Surely she has a decent shot at gaining possession of the house until the kids are old enough to no longer be considered dependents?

Yes, if she keeps custody of the children and after 15 years being together she is going to be entitled to a portion of the house / belongings.

The only way you keep the house is if you keep the kids too. You might not be married but it is definitely the family home regardless of who's name is on the paperwork.

Its not about whether you or she gets the house, the kids get the house and whichever parent stays with them.

 

[Electroshadow]

i think its just insane how one person can just choose that they want to leave to start a new life and then decide that actually they want to stay in the house have the other person move out and carry on paying for the property its just wrong.
She has even said to me that if she can stop me seeing the kids ever again then she wouldnttake the house..

i feel bad for writing this all now although its just venting as its quite hard to keep it all in. i cant delete it all can i?

 

[taB]

Yes I know but I didn't want to say too much to be honest.
Long term relationship 15 years plus 3 kids although not married.
House is in my sole name all bills paid by myself everything from food to mortgage and everything in between, as she has never had a job for more than a month or two and I can only think of 5 jobs that she has had in those 15 years. I have basically paid all the bills including her personal bills phone car credit cards etc over that time.

Although since earlier this year she has been working after I said I can't afford it all anymore, that being said I've been paying for it since

It's the family home and your children should stay there. Start packing...

 

[NZXT30]

i think its just insane how one person can just choose that they want to leave to start a new life and then decide that actually they want to stay in the house have the other person move out and carry on paying for the property its just wrong.
She has even said to me that if she can stop me seeing the kids ever again then she wouldnttake the house..

i feel bad for writing this all now although its just venting as its quite hard to keep it all in. i cant delete it all can i?

She is out for blood mate. Hire legal aid asap, make up a plan together, stick to it and never look back. There are a few ways to secure your assets but you have to act quickly. I hear Spain is very nice all year round

P.S. Stop feeling bad because you'll lose it all by the time you come to your senses and no one in the system will give a **** about you. Its time to be selfish and help yourself.

 

[ci_newman]

i think its just insane how one person can just choose that they want to leave to start a new life and then decide that actually they want to stay in the house have the other person move out and carry on paying for the property its just wrong.
She has even said to me that if she can stop me seeing the kids ever again then she wouldnttake the house..

i feel bad for writing this all now although its just venting as its quite hard to keep it all in. i cant delete it all can i?

Stop fighting for the house and start fighting for the kids.

The house is immaterial to the children's well being. Re-align your targets / goals.

And we're here to hear your venting

 

[Electroshadow]

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