The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Hades]

It sounds like you, as a couple, took a decision for her to be a stay at home mother? Presumably (and I am guessing) you bought the house while living with her? The house appears to be the family home. The kids should stay there whether it's you or their mother who stays.

In these cases it should always be a matter of doing what's right for the children.

 

[wedrum]

i did the same thing, left her and the kids in the family home, i then rented a 3 bed which the kids stay with me twice a week.

 

[Electroshadow]

i agree with what you say totally kids do come first.

the thing is i dont understand she can end the relationship because thats what she wants and then it looks like it would be me thats made to leave...

 

[ci_newman]

i agree with what you say totally kids do come first.

the thing is i dont understand she can end the relationship because thats what she wants and then it looks like it would be me thats made to leave...

Are you a good father? If so, why shouldn't you have custody? If she left, let her leave, but the kids stay with you.

The home belongs to the kids, you cannot have one thing without the other.

 

[Jonnybmac]

So can men so stop putting a mark on just woman. Everyone is capable of something weather they are male or female or in between.

Where did I say they can't? I've had a bad experience with regards to my child case and I've personally seen others also so excuse me from speaking from my first hand experience.
Regard that comment as sexist but a high percentage of family courts it boils down to the mother having rights to the child and the father having to fight. From what I have seen personally, some mothers go out of their way to make up lies and use a child as a weapon. Not saying males can't either but generally speaking it is usually the man fighting battles to see his children and gain access.

In the context of what he was speaking about his ex girlfriend, a woman in the position she is in with regards to court can relatively easily make out a load of lies to make his claim less relative in court. I could say men lie but I'm speaking to a man answering a question about his concerns over a female so it was not really relevant. I could have said people lie but really, it seems you're just nit picking over a word to point a finger towards sexism.

You are in a relationship advice thread that is predominately Male centred so you will get some generalisation towards females because we are generally talking about the opposite sex; just like on mumsnet they will generalise men.

 

[Rids]

its not that im not fighting for the kids thats another issue i just didnt want to take them away from her as i know that it would really affect her in a bad way and she is a good mother. i would want the kids to do what ever makes them happiest.

yes the house is a lesser issue but as i have the debts for 2 in my name it would be very unlikley i would be able to house myself again, where as debt free she would be able to if i was able to some how meet a reasonable demand.

What you mind find happen as I've seen from others experience, is that you continue to own the home, but will be expected to move out and continue to the pay the mortgage until the kids are old enough to no longer be considered dependents. On top of this you will have monthly child support commitments.

Once the kids are old enough, the property should revert to being yours and you can then dispose of it however you wish.

Obviously though, legal advice, you're going to need it.

 

[secretspy]

I would say definitely seek legal advice as soon as you can. You might be able to get this from CAB, I'm sure that's where my brother went initially.

In his situation he has a house in his and ex wife's name, both names on mortgage but somehow he's stuck paying it all. (Well technically my mum's paying most of it because he's a lazy **** but that's another story!)

He still lives there and he has the kids (she walked out and left them, doesn't want them with her) according to the advice she got, she doesn't have to pay the mortgage but still has a claim on the house. I don't know how true that is as the amount of BS that comes out her mouth is unbelievable.

She also threatened to say he was abusive and then told social services that he was violent, though they soon realised her lies didn't add up.

I'm a woman and I think it's disgusting how everything has been in favour of my ex sister in law. I've also been a victim of violence so for someone to fake it also makes my blood boil.

I'd say be wary and tread easy with your ex. Sadly there are women out there who give the rest of us a bad name in these situations.

 

[Electroshadow]

.

 

[413x]

Feels like system is geared towards who has kids (fair)
And who gets the kids defaults to woman bar any extenuating circumstances. (not so fair)

Its a bit broken in our Western world where we are pushing towards equality that this is default. But I guess that's reality at the moment.

What would happen if there were no gender issues and both parents wanted 50:50 access? How do you resolve it?

One thing seems clear, have kids likely means you'll lose your home in break up.

I feel for op. How often isn't it going to be a bad result for the guy in this scenario?

note, seems like decision was made for mum to look after kids, so can't say it's 'your house' .
But for op to have to pay mortgage and start again is too far

 

[Rids]

He is likely to get the lions share of the house at the end of the process, but could be a very hard number of years until that comes to fruition.

 

[Electroshadow]

.

 

[LizardKing]

well the reason i said, maybe wrongly "my house" is only because it feel quite onesided that i have had paid all bills mortgage utilities food petrol.... pretty much the lot (anything that she mostly buys was on credit cards that i had to pay for or money that i would put in her bank). i do feel like a mug to be honest.

Your gonna need to try and get away from that line of thinking had she worked then you would have to pay childcare, or been unable to work/earn as much, by her not working allowed you to pay for all those thing. A court with be less empathetic if a mothers contribution is only valued by the monetary value.

Just to add (but dont hold me to this as its just a vague recollection from what someone else was saying), dont leave the house if you have any capability's of being the primary career to your children, as soon as you leave she will take that role and she will be in the stronger position to remain in the house and your going to be the one paying the privilege.

 

[Roar87]

You basically paid for a woman to sit at home looking after kids, her being at home is viewed to be at the same level of contribution as the 2 jobs you were working, irrespective of any additional house work or helping out with the kids you may have also done. You've put yourself in a position where you're going to get screwed by a system and woman who don't give a **** about you.

 

[Deleted member 77746]

You basically paid for a woman to sit at home looking after kids, her being at home is viewed to be at the same level of contribution as the 2 jobs you were working, irrespective of any additional house work or helping out with the kids you may have also done. You've put yourself in a position where you're going to get screwed by a system and woman who don't give a **** about you.

Brutal.

 

[Electroshadow]

You basically paid for a woman to sit at home looking after kids, her being at home is viewed to be at the same level of contribution as the 2 jobs you were working, irrespective of any additional house work or helping out with the kids you may have also done. You've put yourself in a position where you're going to get screwed by a system and woman who don't give a **** about you.

Yep true screwed myself....

 

[GTanny]

I need some advice on if I'm being unreasonable with my views on my partner.

My ex is moving away with my kids meaning I cant reasonably have them during the week when they are at school as it would be an hours drive just to get them to school in the morning, due to my shift pattern it works out I can have them 3 out of 5 weekends and extended periods when my time off during school holidays (the weekends I cant have them I am working 12h either days or night shifts), this averages around 8/9 days a month which doesn't seem enough to me, prior to the move it averaged 11 days a month as I could take them to school.

this is were the issue with my partner comes in, she works mon-fri 8-4 meaning her only time off is the weekend, now I know I'm struggling with the change and seeing my kids less but when updating out weekly planner she made a comment about how we never get a day off together anymore. now yes this is a valid point, but it felt like she wants me to see my kids less so we can have more time just the two of us, this escalated when we was looking at going away next year and the two times she wanted just the two of us to go away I happen to have the kids and plan to take them away, this was followed by some grunting and a bad mood as if I was refusing to go away, I suggested 2 other months where it was possible but they weren't suitable apparently - both of these mean I have to cancel seeing my kids for a weekend but I don't mind this once or twice a year but that's a max.

I know I need to sit down and talk this through with her but I think I need to stress to her that I had my kids when we got together and they are my #1 priority, and will be for the next 10+ years, and I don't want to be in a relationship where she's going to resent me seeing my kids every weekend off I have.

I will also add, I live with my partner and have done for 9 months now, so I see her every day, yes I don't get to spend a full day with her but I see my kids 8/9 days a month and even 3-4 of them will only be after picking them up from school on a Friday.

so, am I being unreasonable for being upset with her views?

 

[malachi]

I need some advice on if I'm being unreasonable with my views on my partner.

My ex is moving away with my kids meaning I cant reasonably have them during the week when they are at school as it would be an hours drive just to get them to school in the morning, due to my shift pattern it works out I can have them 3 out of 5 weekends and extended periods when my time off during school holidays (the weekends I cant have them I am working 12h either days or night shifts), this averages around 8/9 days a month which doesn't seem enough to me, prior to the move it averaged 11 days a month as I could take them to school.

this is were the issue with my partner comes in, she works mon-fri 8-4 meaning her only time off is the weekend, now I know I'm struggling with the change and seeing my kids less but when updating out weekly planner she made a comment about how we never get a day off together anymore. now yes this is a valid point, but it felt like she wants me to see my kids less so we can have more time just the two of us, this escalated when we was looking at going away next year and the two times she wanted just the two of us to go away I happen to have the kids and plan to take them away, this was followed by some grunting and a bad mood as if I was refusing to go away, I suggested 2 other months where it was possible but they weren't suitable apparently - both of these mean I have to cancel seeing my kids for a weekend but I don't mind this once or twice a year but that's a max.

I know I need to sit down and talk this through with her but I think I need to stress to her that I had my kids when we got together and they are my #1 priority, and will be for the next 10+ years, and I don't want to be in a relationship where she's going to resent me seeing my kids every weekend off I have.

I will also add, I live with my partner and have done for 9 months now, so I see her every day, yes I don't get to spend a full day with her but I see my kids 8/9 days a month and even 3-4 of them will only be after picking them up from school on a Friday.

so, am I being unreasonable for being upset with her views?

Nope, as you said, your kids are your #1 priority.

She doesn't have any kids of her own I guess? As this sort of thing was going to happen at some point if one person has young kids and the other does not.

 

[EssexBoy]

Nope, as you said, your kids are your #1 priority.

She doesn't have any kids of her own I guess? As this sort of thing was going to happen at some point if one person has young kids and the other does not.

Till she has a kid with him and expects her child to be number 1.Sounds like a woman to avoid if she getting jealous over his kids.

 

[malachi]

Till she has a kid with him and expects her child to be number 1.Sounds like a woman to avoid if she getting jealous over his kids.

That's why I avoid dating women with kids, if the man has own kids and the women does not then it isn't so bad. But you do get the cases like with GTanny.

 

[Ayahuasca]

@Electroshadow be very careful how you handle the situation and get as much advice and support as you can, the upcoming years will be make or break but you can absolutely come out of the other side a better and happier person.

Unfortunately, I had two good friends who handled divorce/a long term break up horribly and both took their lives as they couldn’t see a way out financially.