How do I help him? Advice welcome!

[MajoritySix]

My fiancé started a new job in June. Long story short, there had been crossed wires somehow and his new job is doing something he's never done before. It seems he and the employer used the same phrases and words, but it means completely different things in each of their industries... He's given it a good go, but the new job isn't something he's ever done or enjoys, and he's struggling. It's got especially bad recently and he's lost 7kg, he isn't sleeping and he says he's got a feeling in the pit of his stomach all the time. My instinct is that he'll have a breakdown, or crash (he's commuting an hour and a half each way) and that it isn't worth it...

But we're in the middle of buying a house. It hinges on his employment because I'm self-employed and don't have enough accounts yet. We have the memorandums, the mortgage offer, the solicitors are working on searches at the moment. I chased up today and have just been told that our sellers have pulled out of their purchase and are looking for a new one, which may mean we're back to being 18 weeks from completion again. That feels like such a long time to ask him to drag this out.

Our apartment is okay. It needs some work and the builder who is buying it was able to do that himself and then rent it out. We didn't want to, because it's a one-bed and we've outgrown it a bit, plus I'm working and living in the same room. But we'd make it work... It'd be lovely to have an office room and a bigger house and a little garden, but they aren't essentials. We've been happy here. The apartment mortgage is low now, 3 x lower than the house will be, and I could easily cover it. He could leave and look for something new. We would incur fees - some solicitors, the EA - but not as badly as if we have to pull out after surveys and things, because he's lost his job.

I have no idea what to do for the best. My instinct is that his health tops everything but he desperately wanted to hold out for the house, and he was struggling enough when he thought it was six weeks away... and it's not just me that can see it, his boss keeps asking him, too. I feel like we're on borrowed time.

 

[Mark1989]

I think you know the answer as you said health is more important. If you can get by in your home now and cope with some financial loss at the stage now I'd personally do that and let him get out and find somewhere he will be happy.

If let's say he sticks it out, you get the house but he has a mental break it could do far more damage long term job wise and finacially.

 

[Thekwango]

Have to agree with the above and also add him sticking into it out for the sake of the new house could also negatively impact your relationship. There’s always the possibility, however unlikely, that he could end up resenting you, perhaps blaming you for ‘making’ him stick it out at the job for the sake of the house - even if that’s not the case.
What happens if he does have a breakdown and isn’t able to work after you’ve purchased? How would you both afford the mortgage repayments if he ended up in such a state that physically/mentally he couldn’t work for quite some time?

With that said, has he spoken to his employer? There might be training or support the employer could offer to help him out and improve the situation - it would be beneficial to both him and the employer.

Ultimately though he can’t stay in a job that is wrecking his health.

 

[Swifty55]

So what job is it that has been confused on?

Think he needs a sit down with the manager, explain the situation. The manager may put in the resources to train him and alleviate the stress.

 

[Moley]

So what would happen if, tomorrow, the house you are wanting to buy burned to the ground?

Put yourselves in that situation and think about what you would do. Would he still continue to grind at a job that was ruining his mental and physical health? Would you choose to postpone house hunting and 'make do' with the current apartment?

Think it through together and realise that the stress isn't worth it. There is always another house to fall in love with down the line.

This stands out a mile for me:

not just me that can see it, his boss keeps asking him, too. I feel like we're on borrowed time

He's only been in the job three months and his boss is having concerns already. He IS on borrowed time, it's time to talk to the boss and address the issue, maybe leave and look for something else and stop the house purchase for the time being.

 

[MajoritySix]

I think you're all right. Thanks for replying! I have tried to get him to see it before, but the only time that he saw my point of view, he then talked to his Dad who told him to stick it out.

The house is lovely but it's not worth more than him. It's not even the perfect house, just a nice one that is available. I'll chat to him when he gets home... if his boss hasn't already. She's told him she'll chat to HR today and see what other options are, and she's already been letting him work from home on Fridays and giving him extra support via meetings each day, so she really has tried.

In terms of finances, I could just about do it, but it'd be stressful if he was earning nothing at all. I'd rather that than him be ill, though. At the end of the day, we have somewhere to live and we're happy enough.

Thanks again!

 

[killem]

Sounds like he is experience what i went through 4 years ago. Work related stress is not great and I asked to be be demoted from a supervisory roll due to it and have been much better since and have learnt how to handle it and have since been promoted back into the same kind of roll yet in a different department and I am handling it fine.
If he does not do anything about it it will effect his long term health. Risk of stomach ulcers is high as thats the feeling in the pit of his stomach is acid brought on by the stress.

Best to put the house on hold. Give him the support he needs to sort out his employment so he can get well.

 

[killem]

I think you're all right. Thanks for replying! I have tried to get him to see it before, but the only time that he saw my point of view, he then talked to his Dad who told him to stick it out.

The house is lovely but it's not worth more than him. It's not even the perfect house, just a nice one that is available. I'll chat to him when he gets home... if his boss hasn't already. She's told him she'll chat to HR today and see what other options are, and she's already been letting him work from home on Fridays and giving him extra support via meetings each day, so she really has tried.

In terms of finances, I could just about do it, but it'd be stressful if he was earning nothing at all. I'd rather that than him be ill, though. At the end of the day, we have somewhere to live and we're happy enough.

Thanks again!

Admitting I could not cope was one of the biggest problems. you dont want to be seen as a failiure by the other males in the work place. His Dad is probably old school and is telling him to Man up but this is totally wrong.

 

[glenimp617]

Stay put for a few months. He needs to leave his job and find another one. He'll be happier, you'll be happier, and you'll find another house.

 

[cu3ed]

There is nothing more soul destroying and unhealthy than going to sleep and getting up thinking about a job you simply cannot stand.

 

[wildman]

He has only been there 3 months so assuming he was on a 6 month probation period he can still part company amicably after sitting down and having a talk with his manager explaining the situation and how it is a poor job fit and that it is causing him a lot of anxiety. Most managers are reasonable when it comes to these sort of things and it would be better to have that discussion than get through the probation and then end up getting put on a PIP or turfed out because you can't do the job. HIs boss might think he is actually good and maybe offer training / development / support to get him to where he needs to be to succeed in the role, which would also massively reduce the stress.

Bottom line is he needs to speak to his manager and get it out in the open before it makes his health even worse. Remember it is work to live, not live to work, that is something we should all remind ourselves of regularly and ensure that we put our health above all else. We are only here once (unless you are a religious nut and believe in reincarnation of course............)

 

[CircleFaust]

I think you're all right. Thanks for replying! I have tried to get him to see it before, but the only time that he saw my point of view, he then talked to his Dad who told him to stick it out.

The house is lovely but it's not worth more than him. It's not even the perfect house, just a nice one that is available. I'll chat to him when he gets home... if his boss hasn't already. She's told him she'll chat to HR today and see what other options are, and she's already been letting him work from home on Fridays and giving him extra support via meetings each day, so she really has tried.

In terms of finances, I could just about do it, but it'd be stressful if he was earning nothing at all. I'd rather that than him be ill, though. At the end of the day, we have somewhere to live and we're happy enough.

Thanks again!

there is something to be said for sticking it out. i was very stressed and lost weight when i started my last job. took me 6 months to a year to calm down.
speaking with HR is a good thing also to see if there's way to take the strain off. set a time target and if you're still not well or feeling it then could be time to bail!

 

[NotAGolf]

Is he likely to be able to find a more suitable job in those 18 weeks (or however long it takes)? If its a niche field, or there aren't many jobs nearby, it could take him longer than that to find a new job, by which team you're already in your new place and he's (hopefully) about to start a new job.

 

[MajoritySix]

It's a good point about whether he's given it enough of a go, and I know that's what is playing on his mind. He has tried. He took a weekend course in AGILE to get a bit of a headstart there and he's done a lot of reading. He talked to his boss and went through the induction again. His boss is meeting him once a day to give him time to tell her what he's struggling with, and so she can direct him. He can work from home one day a week to reduce driving. He is working from home most evenings and at least one day at the weekend... he just doesn't seem to be getting it. I can't say whether he would if he stuck it out but my instinct is that I've never known him give less than 100% and he keeps apologising for letting me down, so I'm as certain as I could be that he's given it his best shot.

He has two interview offers for next week but he can't go because he works so far away and he can't get annual leave at short notice. I'm trying to increase business as quickly as I can, it's not the easiest but if I need to work nights too, I will.

I suspect if he walks away from the job, he'll need to tell the mortgage company and they'd rescind the mortgage. I don't think they'd be open to waiting to see if he found a similar job... but this is my first time buying, I'm not an expert! I could stretch to cover all our outgoings including the new mortgage but they won't lend to me until I have 2 years accounts, and it'd certainly be easier here than in the new house. But we could do it, it's an option...

My head is spinning but I'm erring towards telling him to call the whole thing off, come home and get better.

 

[R.P.L]

It sounds like him and his boss are doing what they can to work it out so I wouldn't necessarily tell him to quit, but just make sure he knows that his health and happiness are more important to you than a job and a house. Him trying to stick it out just to get the mortgage if it's not a good long term prospect is also a bad idea. As others have said, even if you lose the house there will be other great houses to buy in the future but if he loses the plot because of the job situation then it could have serious long term consequences.