Yeah agree. If it's not a mutal feeling loss its best to start dealing with this. Getting out of the situation is probably for the best. But with a child, it's not so easy.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Yeah agree. If it's not a mutal feeling loss its best to start dealing with this. Getting out of the situation is probably for the best. But with a child, it's not so easy.
Soldato
I understand, Bit of a bad time of year etc, I don't really want to churn things up on the run up to Christmas.
As it is now, she works a lot of weekends/nights, so we do seem to live separate lives sometimes. Brief hour here and there where we see each other.
Today for example, I've taken tiny to school before she's home, and when I get home we'll sitdown to dinner and 25 mins after I'm in the door she'll be out to work.
It's weekends that're hard, but we discussed me looking for a flat, she thought I'd want the one we're in and was accepting of that. But I want my own space.
Just the fact that Edinburgh is a mini london with some of it's prices compared to surrounding areas, And I'll need to be close enough to take the wee man to school :/
As it is now, she works a lot of weekends/nights, so we do seem to live separate lives sometimes. Brief hour here and there where we see each other.
Today for example, I've taken tiny to school before she's home, and when I get home we'll sitdown to dinner and 25 mins after I'm in the door she'll be out to work.
It's weekends that're hard, but we discussed me looking for a flat, she thought I'd want the one we're in and was accepting of that. But I want my own space.
Just the fact that Edinburgh is a mini london with some of it's prices compared to surrounding areas, And I'll need to be close enough to take the wee man to school :/
Just out of curiosity, are you keeping 50/50 custody of your son? You really should push for it..
And I feel sorry for you dude, good luck with the coming months.
I was about to say the same thing, as much as it sucks you need to "rip the bandaid" off so to speak and gain some distance from the situation. The longer you're there, the more false hope you'll unknowingly be giving yourself and it'll be harder in the long run.
**** situation fella, wish you all the best.
To me, that just sounds like the two of you have just been ground down a bit by life. The fact that you never see each other means that you end up feeling distant and like two single people living in the same house, rather than a couple going through life together.
The things that brought you together are still there, they are just under a layer of "life stuff". Is there any chance that you can rekindle those feeling that she had for you once? With a bit of reorganisation it's possible for you to actually spend some time with each other and bring those bonds of a shared life back again.
Relationships and feelings do change over time, but it's up to you both to make them into something that still brings you together, rather than pushes you apart, and the first thing to being together is to actually spend time together as much as you can. It's easy to just concentrate on getting though the day/week/month and forget to make the time to just be together and live life with each other, instead of separately.
Talk to her, get some counselling, make time to be together. If that means changing jobs, moving house, or whatever to change the work/life balance to something more sensible for the both of you, then it's doable. If your life isn't the way you want it, you can make changes to make it better, you can do it together if that's what you both want.
Soldato
Yeah, we've talked and as I'm the sole parent while she's at work (school run, dinner, etc) and she does them when she's off, we discussed that we'd just continue that model, but he'd be at different flats.
This is probably going to make me sound like a terrible person, but she's always been someone with a low sex drive, so from the point of view of 'reining in feelings' I've had to do that often. And I can't say I've not fantasied about being with someone a bit more 'hands on' haha.
I feel I do fine when I'm at work/she's working. keeping my head on the track of 'separated'. And she's always had the habit of doing her make-up in her underwear etc, so I just came out and said to her to either not do that, or stay in another room because I feel it makes everything harder (hehe) for me.
Because I don't want to play the victim here, but I do feel like it's something happening TO me I don't have a say in.
Soldato
This came in as I posted,
Yeah, I've thought about that too. We discussed counselling, and we really spend as much time as we can together (short of changing jobs as you've suggested).
Part of what she says she feels is wrong, is that I might do something (buy flowers, put a hot water bottle in bed for when she gets home etc) and she says she just never thinks of these things. That it never occurs to her to do nice things for me, and she feels there's just not that Love towards me.
My points to her were much like what you've said, we've been together a long time, feelings change, maybe this is just how it feels in the long term.
But every time it does feel like she's 'made her mind up' And really part of me is alright with that and I'd like to see someone else.
And that last bit makes me think maybe that's the sign that we should end it.
That I still really want to be with her, but the longer I think of not, the more I think of someone else being nice.
EDIT:
Also, there is a bit of the classic "we got together young (20) and she missed out on the 'wild time' when younger."
If you’re married tough it out, remind yourself of your vows and if necessary remind her of hers.
If you’re not then yeah split up and make sure you get adequate access to your children. Don’t be surprised if 6 months down the line (usually coincidentally when you start something with someone else) she decides she misses you and wants to get back with you.
If you’re not then yeah split up and make sure you get adequate access to your children. Don’t be surprised if 6 months down the line (usually coincidentally when you start something with someone else) she decides she misses you and wants to get back with you.
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So have a chat with her, relight that spark and go a little crazy together. Go do something you missed out on see how it goes.
Show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Get her to smile again.
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Ridiculous
Your life resolves around you and your son at least for another 8 years.
Your wife is nothing but road block to moving on and being happy. If you are happy then this will make your son happy. Its going to hard but you know that. So start getting your new life on track.
Your wife is nothing but road block to moving on and being happy. If you are happy then this will make your son happy. Its going to hard but you know that. So start getting your new life on track.
Why is it ridiculous? If you make a vow for life, witnessed by all the people you love and all the people your spouse loves (and if relevant to you in front of your god). And go back on it you show your word means nothing. If you’re not willing to stay with someone for life don’t get married. It’s that simple.
This I never understand and why I will probably never marry. A marriage is a contract, through good and bad times. How can you fall out of love with someone yet watch films and talk happily?
Awkward and mind conflicting emotions you must be dealing with. Clearly she has thought about this and in her mind probably wants something different. Have you sat and asked what it would take to save your marriage? Have you felt she has tried? Do you do other things than just sit and watch a movie? Would she be willing and prepared to work and create a spark back into your marriage?
If she's bent on it not working then there are problems she has and you need to remove yourself before those problems affect your mental health when she begins to move on without you.
Great, you can reside in the same home as your "wife" while suffering through a loveless, sexless marriage. At that point you may as well just get a Dog instead of a wife, at least it'll show you physical affection and want to be around you.
Soldato
We're not married,
Engaged though, but when you've been living together 10 years engaged/not engaged doesn't seem that different in my mind.
@mrbell1984
We do do stuff together, go out for a meal. Go out (though neither of us are really drinkers) but you say 'Show her why she fell in love' but it does seem that when I do something nice for her, she gets upset saying that it makes her feel bad that she doesn't feel the same way.
Few days ago she was upset, crying that she felt like she'd "thrown her life away" by saying what she said, and she just wishes she felt differently. Also shes said we should just ignore what she said an get on with it.
I've just been honest and said that there's no point in creating a loveless marriage, and I want her to find someone she can feel that love with.
Engaged though, but when you've been living together 10 years engaged/not engaged doesn't seem that different in my mind.
@mrbell1984
We do do stuff together, go out for a meal. Go out (though neither of us are really drinkers) but you say 'Show her why she fell in love' but it does seem that when I do something nice for her, she gets upset saying that it makes her feel bad that she doesn't feel the same way.
Few days ago she was upset, crying that she felt like she'd "thrown her life away" by saying what she said, and she just wishes she felt differently. Also shes said we should just ignore what she said an get on with it.
I've just been honest and said that there's no point in creating a loveless marriage, and I want her to find someone she can feel that love with.
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Soldato
Sometimes love falters and never comes back, sometimes it stays for ever, and sometimes it falters then comes back.
Let her go for a while, focus on yourself and give her time to think without any pressure. Really she needs to come to her own conclusions, she already knows who you are, it is herself she is having difficulty with.
I don't mean just totally cut her loose. Let her know that you are okay with letting her take some time for herself, and that you welcome honestly and that you are there for her if she wants to discuss anything.
Let her go for a while, focus on yourself and give her time to think without any pressure. Really she needs to come to her own conclusions, she already knows who you are, it is herself she is having difficulty with.
I don't mean just totally cut her loose. Let her know that you are okay with letting her take some time for herself, and that you welcome honestly and that you are there for her if she wants to discuss anything.
Sounds tough.
What do I know... but... sounds like she hasn’t been communicating with you. People feel different sorts of loves and emotions that come and go. You don’t always feel happy. You don’t always feel sad. You can feel conflicting emotions. You don’t always feel madly in love. Sometimes you resent your partner. If you don’t put that **** out there and talk about it all, you fester and can’t move forwards. Communication is the way to ‘square the circle’. It’s actually far better to say “aww man I feel like poop and I don’t feel passionate at the moment” and talk rather than cling on in silence and say “it’s poop and it’s over”. Also, when in despair, you can’t really focus on anything else and makes the good times poopy.
Sounds like she has created her own problems from a lack of communication. But, people change. It’s life.
Also (just commenting generally) if you have an actual married that you can’t seem to fix by efforts to fix it... then end it. Not leaving it on the basis of some sort of ‘past vow’ is just pretty dumb tbh. I mean, be flexible.
I'll tell you now, once a woman reaches the point that she doesn't feel anything for you, the relationship is stone cold dead. You can spend money on relationship counselling or sit down and talk about it, but as far as she's concerned she's no longer attracted to you. There's nothing there. You can't talk someone into being attracted to you and having feelings.
This is not true, you could apply some brainwashing techniques via subliminal messages during sleep... I need to write a Horror Rom Com..back later.