The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Jay85 · 23 Sep 2021 at 10:30

ceaton88 said:
Update.

trying to stay away as per last post and had the girl I was having an affair with blocked on all msging and social apps, blocked due to all the red flags and couldn't trust her despite not being able to prove anything

she then kept coming through on Teams finding excuses to ask questions that were work related but not compelling enough to warrant asking me, this was tough as I missed her badly

one night she then msg me something non work related out of hours on Teams and it weakened me to the point where the next morning I replied non work related also and that just spiralled out of control to the point where I've now unblocked her and we're speaking again, met with her for lunch a couple days ago

she's now making as much effort as possible to tackle my trust issues and her argument is that every time she puts things into motion to be together, I get cold feet with lack of trust etc & break it off (I've had to endure hearing dramatised stories about her at work where she has been quite a flirtatious character which she says is to be confident in a work environment)

its a tough situation that I don't want to be in but unfortunately feelings are involved, we have been on and off for 10 months now

I mean lets be honest here, if she was committed to another man (married) then had an affair with you, whats to say she won't do it to you?

I've not read into the details of what you posted but unless she's really unhappy in her marriage (abuse maybe?) she should at least break that off before committing to you and be open about it?

The whole thing feels like a tv drama series!

breathe3asy · 23 Sep 2021 at 13:29

omnomnom · 23 Sep 2021 at 14:11

He cheated aswell…this isn’t all on her.

.Lethal · 23 Sep 2021 at 14:12

Tefal said:
It's not the spark you want to worry about it's the ick
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsne...k-you-cant-get-past-the-ick-im-a-relationship

Sounds like resentment to me but with that post she wasn’t able to identify what the problem is/was and labelled it something else.

She did the guy a favour

Jay85 · 23 Sep 2021 at 14:16

ceaton88 said:
Tell me about it, was exciting at first but now I'm hating it.

True, but whats to say a person that hasn't cheated before won't do it either? Plus, in order to trust someone there is no rulebook or step by step guide, you kind of just have to trust them or walk away which is tough because she is now saying she will do what it takes to prove it, which is not how I would want to start a relationship but trying to walk away from her almost ended me as we work for the same company

Honest opinion i would walk away from this unless you just wanted it to be abit of fun for the short term. I don't condone it in any way or form! But since you're already at this stage and well stuck in there :cry:

.

breathe3asy · 23 Sep 2021 at 14:48

Jay85 · 23 Sep 2021 at 14:54

ceaton88 said:
I've tried to walk away, multiple times, I'm almost at the point where I'm surrendering to the fact that this has to be ridden out the hard way, which is mental.

Also we are past the bit of fun stage, its now more than just sex.

The only way I'm getting away from this is if I delete and block her everywhere and get another job and be miserable for at least 3 months trying to forget her, but I have too much of a good thing going for that plus I won't let her do that to me

Could plant some incriminating evidence so she gets the sack instead...

. No don't do that, bad advice!

Ayahuasca · 23 Sep 2021 at 15:06

Jesus, you've walked right into it and are now playing the victim.

Either go all in and get the divorce and everything or walk away, even if that means the job as you've clearly got no self-control if a teams message drew you back in.

Fubsy · 23 Sep 2021 at 15:15

Its crazy. She should at least be making the noises that she's going to leave her husband for this to continue surely?

Otherwise you're just being used as an emotional crutch as she bobs along, you'll never 100% have her emotionally, she can drop you at any moment, your job will always be a place of trepidation. The worst kind of environment for a healthy relationship. I'm not saying it can't work, but it certainly won't behind someone's back without commitment (LOL) from both sides.

Not to mention that it sounds like she's harassed you at work and used gaslighting techniques to make you start to believe this is all your fault and in your head (the lack of trust thing).

Tefal · 23 Sep 2021 at 16:17

.Lethal said:
Sounds like resentment to me but with that post she wasn’t able to identify what the problem is/was and labelled it something else.

She did the guy a favour

The rest of the thread has some odd reasons, but that site does seem populated by unhappy relationships

I once dated a guy that literally ticked every box, he was gorgeous and funny and I'd spent a while perusing him.

Abit into the relationship, we got out of the car and i walked behind and noticed how flat the back of his head was. It's crazy I know, it was like a sheet of paper from the back. Ick.

Pointy elbows?

Tefal · 23 Sep 2021 at 16:18

ceaton88 said:
I've tried to walk away, multiple times, I'm almost at the point where I'm surrendering to the fact that this has to be ridden out the hard way, which is mental.

Also we are past the bit of fun stage, its now more than just sex.

The only way I'm getting away from this is if I delete and block her everywhere and get another job and be miserable for at least 3 months trying to forget her, but I have too much of a good thing going for that plus I won't let her do that to me

Or, and hear me out here, shag her husband

Hades · 23 Sep 2021 at 16:20

Ayahuasca said:
Jesus, you've walked right into it and are now playing the victim.

Either go all in and get the divorce and everything or walk away, even if that means the job as you've clearly got no self-control if a teams message drew you back in.

I tend to agree with this. Either she leaves her husband (and you'll never be able to fully trust each other anyway) or walk away. This will not end well otherwise.

nine_tails · 26 Sep 2021 at 14:10

Starting a process of separation after 7 yr relationship... sucks... We did break it off a year ago but stayed together due covid and then she travels for months on end. But now , its all hitting...

Arsonist · 26 Sep 2021 at 19:12

nine_tails said:
Starting a process of separation after 7 yr relationship... sucks... We did break it off a year ago but stayed together due covid and then she travels for months on end. But now , its all hitting...

Stay strong mate. Literally going through the same thing myself, 7.5 years. Almost 4 weeks in. Also not seen my son in that time.

Remember to feel what you feel, but don't dwell on it for too long. Get active. Make loads of plans with family and friends. Do things that make you feel good. And say yes to things.

Time helps all things heal.

GR63 · 26 Sep 2021 at 21:14

Frubeling said:
Of course you can't trust her. She cheated on her husband with you.
That's not something a trustworthy person does

Never that straightforward but have to ask.. if she loves you why is she still with husband?

nine_tails · 26 Sep 2021 at 22:39

Arsonist said:
Stay strong mate. Literally going through the same thing myself, 7.5 years. Almost 4 weeks in. Also not seen my son in that time.

Remember to feel what you feel, but don't dwell on it for too long. Get active. Make loads of plans with family and friends. Do things that make you feel good. And say yes to things.

Time helps all things heal.

Thanks mate , you too... i am making some bigger changes around me , moving back closer to family , taking some time off work , just need a reset. I sincerely hope you get to see your little one soon enough.

antijoke · 4 Oct 2021 at 08:35

Well, 17 years together and it’s over. No idea what’s going to happen about living arrangements and our two sons.

Heartbroken

Hades · 4 Oct 2021 at 09:02

antijoke said:
Well, 17 years together and it’s over. No idea what’s going to happen about living arrangements and our two sons.

Heartbroken

Sorry to hear that mate. Bro hug.

GR63 · 4 Oct 2021 at 09:46

antijoke said:
Well, 17 years together and it’s over. No idea what’s going to happen about living arrangements and our two sons.

Heartbroken

definitely over? irrecoverable?

antijoke · 4 Oct 2021 at 09:58

Hades said:
Sorry to hear that mate. Bro hug.

thanks, no idea where to go from here really from here with how to treat her without coming off like an utter ****. Not sure if I should carry on let her driving my car, buying her food and all that stuff..

GR63 said:
definitely over? irrecoverable?

I think so, it all started mid august after my grand funeral, we had an argument over some stuff for our sons buss pass, I flipped and knocked off a glass on the table and since then we’ve hardly spoke, I tried to explain what caused me to flip and why (funeral) but all I got back was “I knew you’d say that” almost felt like I was using it as an excuse…been frosty since then with not really knowing how to talk to her, she’s been going through some **** with her new job too to the point she’s decided it’s not for her and over the weekend she went to her friends house and I asked her outright last night if she still wants to be together and her reply was “I’m really not sure” so it felt obvious to me that she’d gone and had a chat with her friend about our relationship and if she should split up, so she went to work this morning not saying hello in the morning or goodbye so I asked her if I should look for somewhere else to
Live and she replied with she’ll move out, so I asked again it’s definitely over and she said “I don’t think we can come back from this” so yeah I definitely think that’s that.