The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[GR63]

I've been there and had the same conversations. Doesnt have to be over but it needs to be talked out. In any case you;re gonna need some convos about your sons, so sooner you start to build some communications the better. Might be over but might be not and might be something that doesn't have to be any more difficult if you can get comms re-established. Consider mediation to help talk through issues? I did that, she let me choose a friend of mine to mediate, and it did help. He was great for us both

Good luck.

 

[413x]

thanks, no idea where to go from here really from here with how to treat her without coming off like an utter ****. Not sure if I should carry on let her driving my car, buying her food and all that stuff..



I think so, it all started mid august after my grand funeral, we had an argument over some stuff for our sons buss pass, I flipped and knocked off a glass on the table and since then we’ve hardly spoke, I tried to explain what caused me to flip and why (funeral) but all I got back was “I knew you’d say that” almost felt like I was using it as an excuse…been frosty since then with not really knowing how to talk to her, she’s been going through some **** with her new job too to the point she’s decided it’s not for her and over the weekend she went to her friends house and I asked her outright last night if she still wants to be together and her reply was “I’m really not sure” so it felt obvious to me that she’d gone and had a chat with her friend about our relationship and if she should split up, so she went to work this morning not saying hello in the morning or goodbye so I asked her if I should look for somewhere else to
Live and she replied with she’ll move out, so I asked again it’s definitely over and she said “I don’t think we can come back from this” so yeah I definitely think that’s that.

So sorry to hear that's an incredibly long time too.

Sounds like one of those things that's been brewing and not talked about and then finally 'it's over' comes out.
Sounds like you're right nothing you can do.
Maybe there is, and if you wanted it could be worth perusing. Everyone is different.



If it's over, you certainly don't owe her anything. Having kids is obviously going to complicate this. But yeah I certainly wouldn't be letting her drive my car to a social event. Obviously might be different if she's taking your kids to school.


Good luck. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to unwind all that. Hope you have a good support network and your own friends etc. Because that's really going to help.

This is a great neutral place to vent!

 

[Hades]

thanks, no idea where to go from here really from here with how to treat her without coming off like an utter ****. Not sure if I should carry on let her driving my car, buying her food and all that stuff..



I think so, it all started mid august after my grand funeral, we had an argument over some stuff for our sons buss pass, I flipped and knocked off a glass on the table and since then we’ve hardly spoke, I tried to explain what caused me to flip and why (funeral) but all I got back was “I knew you’d say that” almost felt like I was using it as an excuse…been frosty since then with not really knowing how to talk to her, she’s been going through some **** with her new job too to the point she’s decided it’s not for her and over the weekend she went to her friends house and I asked her outright last night if she still wants to be together and her reply was “I’m really not sure” so it felt obvious to me that she’d gone and had a chat with her friend about our relationship and if she should split up, so she went to work this morning not saying hello in the morning or goodbye so I asked her if I should look for somewhere else to
Live and she replied with she’ll move out, so I asked again it’s definitely over and she said “I don’t think we can come back from this” so yeah I definitely think that’s that.

Firstly there may be a chance to recover it while you are still together. Try to work this through before any significant changes are made such as someone moving out, not paying for food/cars etc. But these thinks don't happen overnight. They develop over time until a small issue triggers them.

Secondly, my opinion is that your children come first. So you both need to discuss what is better for them; is staying together going to give them a better life or is splitting up (to avoid all the frostyness and arguments) going to be better for them. They come first. The pair of you come second. You will both need to make sacrifices. So look at what is best for them.

Thirdly, just a piece of long term advice on the assumption that you do split up. Don't let someone else drive your car if the relationship has broken down. Sell the car and buy two cheap cars instead but put one car in her name. You will both need a car to drive the children around. But don't risk being liable for fines, points, etc, that she might accrue. A friend moved out of his family home and let his ex keep the car at the old family home for her to keep driving it. But the car was still registered to him. Some time later he had debt collectors on his doorstep for parking tickets she had ignored and not even told him about.

EDIT: Typo's

 

[Tosno]

Get in first with the child arrangements C100.

 

[Roar87]

She hasn't actually given any definitive answers and I'm not sure after 17 years that knocking a glass off a table is that big of a deal, you seem to have talked yourself into breaking up by asking her multiple times if you're breaking up. Instead of asking her if she's breaking up with you and making excuses for knocking a glass off a table, just apologise and ask if there's anything you can do to work it out, if you want to stay with her or care about her then tell her, don't leave it to her to end things by her uncertainty and emotion

 

[GR63]

Get in first with the child arrangements C100.

Well thats a good way to be sure you just ended it...

I prefer @Roar87 advice

 

[Ayahuasca]

It sounds like there's way more to the story. Unless she's got mental health issues then just knocking a glass off the table shouldn't make a couple who've been together that long not talk properly for months on end.

If it was quite violent and it's the first time she's seen you like that then maybe she's scared of it escalating. Most women really don't respond well to angry/violent outbursts in grown men unless it's warranted.

 

[antijoke]

Our kids are 16/13.

Not much more to the story to be honest, that’s what happened and how it’s been.

Just felt awkward around her ever since and after I apologised she didn’t really say much at all. She isn’t the talkative type to be honest and conversations of any sort (when you have those general kind of disagreements etc in life) generally tend to devolve into it all being my fault, as I say I explained to her why I lost it and it sort of just got thrown back at me.

The last few months since her new job she’s just been going upstairs to watch tv at night as she’s tired so we’ve just totally disconnected with that as well so not spending any time together, it’s felt like it’s collapsed completely and I just don’t think she wants to stay together.

 

[Roar87]

Our kids are 16/13.

Not much more to the story to be honest, that’s what happened and how it’s been.

Just felt awkward around her ever since and after I apologised she didn’t really say much at all. She isn’t the talkative type to be honest and conversations of any sort (when you have those general kind of disagreements etc in life) generally tend to devolve into it all being my fault, as I say I explained to her why I lost it and it sort of just got thrown back at me.

The last few months since her new job she’s just been going upstairs to watch tv at night as she’s tired so we’ve just totally disconnected with that as well so not spending any time together, it’s felt like it’s collapsed completely and I just don’t think she wants to stay together.

You sound pretty down and conceited about it, did you try going to bed and watching TV with her and talking for example? It seems like you've just given up yourself

 

[antijoke]

You sound pretty down and conceited about it, did you try going to bed and watching TV with her and talking for example? It seems like you've just given up yourself

no because my eldest son watches tv with her as well so it’s not really the right time, not sure why you think I’m conceited over this, far from it, it’s just that how it was.

 

[GR63]

I suspect conceited was wrong choice of word but he's right you need to talk about it

 

[Gengar]

From my personal OPEX and reading other accounts of people in similar situations. Women rarely just decide one day that it is over. For them it is a decision that takes months/years. It may be that finally, an event becomes the final straw, but roots of the decision are already well established. If you have a gut feeling that she doesn't want to be with you then you are probably right. There will be signs and signals. Don't ask the question if you are not prepared for the answer. Also asking the question may accelerate the demise of a relationship too. The relationship may always be doomed to failure.

For me, things degraded over about 18 months. We became distanced. The classic of everything being my fault became the norm. In hindsight this was just another symptom of them wanting out. Trying to make arguments for arguments sake. At end of the day this is the advice to follow:-

Just apologise and ask if there's anything you can do to work it out, if you want to stay with her or care about her then tell her, don't leave it to her to end things by her uncertainty and emotion

In my situation, I acknowledged my role in the failing relationship, wrote my feelings down in a letter and tried to meet half way on the issues we were having. IN the end it bought another few fairly bumpy months before we had to confront the situation again. And this time, the question was simple with an equally simple answer! It did allow me to look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge that I did try to fix things. But it takes 2 to fix a broken relationship (assuming none of the big 3 at play, adultery, violence or drugs)

I have 3 kids BTW all much younger than yours. I am now 18 months on post decision. 6 months on now living in fully separate houses. Kids are just fine and I am just fine. As a co-parenting unit we are also doing pretty well.
I focus on my kids AND ME. No more wasting energy on someone who had stopped loving me. I'll never fully understand the decision of my ex - wife to end things. As a typical bloke, I didn't think things were that bad between us . . .It is starting to feel like a distant memory now which is weird! Like a previous life.

But fundamentally, either your wife wants to stay together or she does not.

All marriages will eventually fail. It is just that some people die of old age before that happens. That is the way I look at it now. Nothing lasts forever - you do well nowadays if your marriage outlasts your life!

 

[phrases]

One thing that correlates with women is they don't make rash decisions on ending relationships it will of been months and they emotionally check out first, you may not of noticed this its not always easy to spot because you ask a woman if she's ok then the response is usually what you can imagine it to be "I'm fine" that smacks of a lack of communication which is key to any relationship surviving. If you don't have that and it becomes run of the mill day to day just existing around each other until something gives.

 

[joelk2]

well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.

 

[GR63]

well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.

I hesitate to use the word "congratulations" but it probably seems appropriate for getting through most of it and still being amicable...

 

[Hades]

well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.

Good luck. I'm glad it's working out OK.

 

[potatolord]

well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.

We done for staying amicable. It makes life so much easier in the long term, in my experience.

God luck for the future. Starting again is difficult, but it happens.

 

[randomshenans]

well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.

Similar to me. I've just got back from taking the kids away (3 of them) on holiday to my dad's in Spain for the first time just me and them. Was so nice (******* tiring!) to give all my time to them. She found it hard at home in her new house (she moved house, we both rent and this one was too expensive for her) with no kids etc. but I'm back now and she has the kids. I think she expected me to struggle like she did, but I'm all very zen. I think I've had moments periodically over the last few months/weeks/days where I get flashbacks of reality checks where I think maybe things weren't rosy for way longer than when we both discussed it. It's that whole 500 days of summer vibe going on for me right now. I feel very much lighter. Like I can be me. I feel so much more confident and myself that it's exciting.
I'm sure she thinks I'm going to fail on the finance side of things. She would make me do it all but complain about me being **** about it. Granted I impulse buy random **** but since we split I've been putting stuff away, investing, and generally sorting my house out this weekend to make it more of mine.

We are very amicable, very much friends and we never officially "closed the door" on possibilities, but already I'm thinking I'm not sure I would. I love her, don't get me wrong, but just don't think in that way anymore. Which I haven't told anyone but this very moment to you people on the internets.

Good luck. Spend some time just reflecting. I did a lot prior to her moving out. I am trying to be the best me I can be, nothing else matters really. Everything else will fall into place. Enjoy!

 

[nine_tails]

Glad to read all homies are doing well !

 

[GR63]

Nice to see such positive messages here... Certainly helps lift the mood