If everyone's here
And I'm surely am dead
Then please listen up
Don't go jihading instead!
Of my daughter Khadijah
That you also be married when you turn eleven,
And if you are being bad, then it will be seven,
And your husband must waive
The red sheets in the morning
As proof of prior pureness,
Or you'll face a stoning!
To my wife Mufeeda
Of the beaten, veiled variety:
I ask you be beaten
To the fullest entirety!
You might ask me why
I will answer here forth--
A woman is nothing
She is but two cows' worth.
And as a cow deserves
To be beaten into submission,
Therefore, you as well
Shall endure this condition.
Don't worry, my wife,
Did you not know me as kind?
Therefore, I ask
That the law be in mind--
The beater must note
According to Sharia, indeed,
You can beat women senseless
But stop when they bleed!
To my first son Masood--
I heard that you're gay.
Needless to say,
That did not make my day.
Therefore I order you dragged through the streets,
For all your blasphemous and sickening deeds,
Then I order you shot
As you cry for your life.
How dare you be gay?
You dishonor our tribe!
To my next son Ahmed:
My suicide belt
Bring a blast to the Infidels
That they never have felt!
Sneak into Israel
And hopefully kill
As many infidels
As is Allah's will!
To my son Nawaz,
I leave you my cash
Under the camel's crap
You will find my stash.
With it, go to Pakistan,
Where in the Madrassas,
You'll learn to hate Americans
In all of your classes.
In chemistry and biology you shall be taught
All the poisons and virii which humans have wrought.
And it you shall let loose on American soil
A chemical weapon that surely will spoil
Those arrogant infidels' ignorant lives!
Score one for Allah, for each one who dies!
To my youngest son Abdul-
My AK-47.
May you kill many Christians
And get into Heaven!
Faisal, my brother
For whom I have pride,
I have bought you a Jihad pass
Your choice worldwide!
You have your choice of countries,
There you'll fight with AKs or stones,
For our brothers have turned all these lands
Into a terrorist war zones.
Iraq, Turkey, and Pakistan,
Algeria, Philippines, Afghanistan,
Chechnya, Yemen, Kashmir, Palestine-
Everywhere those pesky unbelievers are dyin'!
And to my cousin Isa
A lover of travel,
I leave you a vacation
So you can unravel.
Also, take time to observe with great pride
The progress of 1400 since our religion's arrived:
Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran, to name few,
All wonderful spots to vacation for you!
Then there's my old, one legged uncle Hajju
Who lost his leg while jihading the Jew
To you, I leave my nice walking stick
So you can now hobble around lookin' slick
And if you find a cartoonist who drew one of those pictures
Use that walking stick to kill him according to our scriptures
That walking stick has, on top, an embedded knife
Stick it in him and end his blaspheming life!
Then there is my beloved great uncle Eijaz
Two teeth, no shoes, and great hatred he has
For Christian, Jew, gay, and Baha’i,
Europeans and Americans, he hopes they all die!
And Israelis, specifically, he cannot stand
He wishes to slaughter each last one with his hand.
To Eijaz I leave my copy of "Elders of Zion"
It's like a hate-filled drug that you can get high on.
A historical truth about the wrath of the Jews
Kill them all - young and old - no time to loose!
To my sister Aisha
Of impeccable merit:
Take our mother's long veil
So now you can wear it!
It hides all your body and shows just one eye
And if you undress it, then you should die.
Moreover, if any deodorants or cosmetics
On you are found
I demand that you stoned to death
While buried half in the ground.
You may think me harsh
Bu this be our law
Blessed be Allah
He hasn't a flaw.
I love you, but you have brought shame upon us!
Last month you had sex with a man from the city
You say you were raped, and if so, that's a pity
But now the family's honor is stained, and our custom is clear
I call for an honor killing for you, my dear.
A male member from our tribe that is noble
Will cut your throat for being so ignoble,
And if from this "rape" it appears that you're with child
We'll make the punishment a little more mild:
We'll wait nine months till the time after birth
And then we'll stone you buried half-way in earth!
Don't think of this as cruel, no, it's sublime -
It's just like Muhammad did in his time!
Muhammad, as you know, was Allah's Prophet, of course
And, indeed, what a glorious man he was -
While preaching peace and coexistence, he killed every man, woman, and child
Who found his rantings just a little bit wild
He married a six-year-old, no doubt the wedding was merry
He waited whole three years before popping her cherry!
He raised women's rights and now they live so well
Covered in black burqas in a sweltering hell
In court, their word is half that of a male
How happy they must be under that veil!
They can't keep their kids if they have a divorce,
Which is the husband's choice, since the man's better, of course.
Yes, Muslim women live better at Muhammad's behest
I wonder why two-thirds are said to be depressed...
I wish all my family joy and farewell!
I have left a fair will
From what I can tell.
I've been a good Muslim--one can suffice,
Thus, I'll meet you all one day
In paradise!
There, with seventy two virgins I'll be
And they never age beyond thirty three!
They're light-skinned and blue-eyed and their breasts are shapely,
And I get to screw each and every, for free!
There, alcohol flows,
And you're allowed to partake,
But you never get hangovers
When you awake
And what's most amazing--
This I'll admit--
Is that I actually do
Believe in this ****!
