Am I being naive or stupid?

[cymatty]

Ok to cut a long long story short, I have an ex girlfriend and we are trying to sort it out, one of her flaws was major major jealousy and insecurity.

Over the last couple of weeks I have started to make friends with a girl behind the bar at my local, now to me this is purely a friendship based relationship and no sexual intentions at all.

So on Monday I took her christmas shopping then we went for a beer, her bf doesnt now about this which made me uncomfortable. I told her if it was a problem in their relationship with her bf then I would back off and leave them alone, I did not want to cause any problems between them. She said we are friends and he will have to deal with it.

She was working last night so me and friend went up to see her and for a chat after work, her boyfriend wanted her to go home (not to his) straight after work but she said no I am seeing Cy. This must have angered her bf as he was there when I turned up, I was introduced and said hi and shook his hand. He then left the pub I said goodbye and apparently he is not happy.

Now is it only me or is this whole situation silly, why are people so threatened by the oposite sex they are missing out on the benifts of having friends of both sexes, this just angers me as no one would bat an eyelid if it was a man but instead I am being made out by most people to be satan spawn.

 

[cymatty]

cymatty

Are you gay?
When you go shopping do you go alone with her, or with group of her/your friends?

No

We went shopping just the two of us, but he does not know about that.

 

[cymatty]

Your taking her crimbo shopping and hanging around with his gf? why wouldnt he be happy.

your a threat she could start to like you in his eyes. id back off.

I may end up doing that, it just annoys me that other peoples insecurities and trust issues have to spoil a freindship.

 

[cymatty]

Boy and girl don't usually go shopping together alone, unless they're a couple of some sort. If you two are simply friends, why is he kept being in the dark about the shopping trip?

When he finds out (which he will do) he would be very suspicious that you pair kept it a secret, and rightly so.

The thing was I didnt know that she had not told him until we were there, a bit late to do anything. She has said if we go out again she will tell him she didn't want all the hastle of him going off on one, which i do not agree with but it is her relationship.

 

[cymatty]

but its like if she was my gf, and you was taking her out for drinks, and shopping, id lose my rag with you.

id be like why is she spending more time with him, than she is me?

and why is he taking her out, when there just suppose to be friends? (wierd) i know.

It was one night, she has no transport so I offered to tkae her to the Trafford Centre to buy his christmas present. I did not buy her anything we bought our own drinks and we went to the bar for a chat about her problems which she has no one else to tlak to about. I just think it is weird that people look at freindships differently and expect you to act differently if it is a boy or a girl. I personally see no difference.

 

[cymatty]

More likely she does realise, and is doing it regardless - either because

(i) she wants to wind her boyfriend up, or
(ii) she doesn't care, or
(iii) she wants to make a point that she's allowed to have male friends.

Well after spekaing to her last night both 2 or 3 could be very accurate.

 

[cymatty]

No no, it's great Cy. You're totally right - male/female friendships are perfectly normal and acceptable. But although you're not actually doing anything wrong, can you see why he is feeling uncomfortable?

I can see his side of the coin, maybe I am just thinking if it was me I would not care, my ex was friends and saw alone a boy who would have liked nothing more than to have his way with her, I trusted her and our relationship and I never said a word.

 

[cymatty]

I have just recived a text saying he was angry last night not because of me but I was the icing on the cake, I asked her if our friendship was worth all this trouble and she said she didnt know yet. I told her I hope she sorts her problems out with her bf and then she can let us know where we stand, I think that is the best thing.

 

[cymatty]

Good luck matey x

Cheers

I think you should just leave them alone.

I am doing, I told her she needs to sort everything out with her bf and then to make a decision about us and to let me know.

I think she likes you a little...

Hmm dont know, she keeps telling me how happy she is with her bf and I believe her.

 

[cymatty]

This is a complete non-issue IMO

What you mean you agree with me and cant understand why he is taking this so badly?

 

[cymatty]

swap shoes dude, your GF suddenly starts hanging round with new guy, she starts drinkin/going out, lies about what she has been doing with him.. it would all seem very strange would it not? id be asking questions anyway!

I would ask her yes, however I would not go stalking her and checking up on her and generally being a bit of an ass.

 

[cymatty]

Then you are a fool.

That's not the way to live your life with your head buried in the sand.

Trust works both ways.

I dont understand what you are saying sorry.

I said I would ask her about the guy and stuff but I would not stalk her or constantly check up on her. Are you saying this is having my head buried in the sand?

 

[cymatty]

your treading on his terroritry and he doesnt like it back off. seriously mate its gonna get harder if it carrys on. it both ways.

I have backed off.

 

[cymatty]

So you could trust someone who lies to you? More fool you really.

Depends what the lie is, like I said I would be worried if that happened to me but he does not know that she is lying to him but he is still being funny imo.

 

[cymatty]

So, you think it's okay for her to be going behind his back and lying to him? You make it sound like it's the right thing to do.

No I dont and I told her I thought it was wrong. I said that I wanted her to be honest with her bf about us as it makes it seem something weird is going on. However it is her realtionship and at the end of the day it is up to her to make those choices.

 

[cymatty]

there is no such thing as "a bloke and a girl being good mates"

Reason why you are good mates is that something is attracting you to them, they never work because one of you would be trying to get the other one in bed. If you think diffrent then you are very dumb

Wow what a stupid sweeping statement.

 

[cymatty]

But true in my experiance. I've never been friends with an attractive girl I've not thought about progressing things with. It's human nature

Even in your case though there is a difference between thinking it and actually wanting to go ahead and doing it, surely once you are past the thinking of doing something stage, then that will not affect your friendship with her?

 

[cymatty]

If my partner was going to the pub and drinking with an ex without telling me I'd snap him. Serious words with her as well.

Its not on. If she/you had nothing to hide whats the problem in telling him?

If he has a problem with her drinking with you if he has been truthfully informed, then he has the problem.

I am not an ex.

I had nothing to hide, I feel it is not my responsiblity to tell him it is hers. I told you that I was uneasy that the shopping trip was kept secret but it was to late to do anything when she told me.

 

[cymatty]

If you knew the shopping trip was secret and you were unconfy, why then go meet her again after when you are bound to know the circumstances have probably not changed?

.

I knew that he would be told that I was going to the pub so that wasnt a secret. Like I said what she does in her relationship to a point is not my problem or concern, I donot want to cause problems in it so I have left it up to her now to make the best and most informed decision.