Am I just an ungreatful so and so?

lordrobs · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:19

Bit of a long one so I'll try and keep this brief

Basically myself and my girlfriend have been looking into buying our own house for some time (seems like forever) and we are now at the point where we know what we want, where we want to buy and how much we can afford.

Now through savings, accounts that were set up on her behalf and money that was given to her by grandparents (instead of being put into their will) my gf has got around £31k. I on the other hand due to paying my own way through uni, being out of work for a bit and buying a car have only £5k to £6k. Part of the reason for this is that I tend to pay for everything as we have found that if my gf has spare money she'll save it whereas if I have spare money I soon find I have new toys... and no money

So we are all set to go and pre-arrange a mortgage effectively using her money as a deposit and mine for fees etc. We have done a budget and at not too much of a financial strain we can afford the house we want.

BUT- and here is the problem (finally): Her parents all of a sudden have this extra £30k that they are planning to give to each of their 3 kids when they feel that they need it which obviously for my gf is now BUT in her case under the condition that the money is written into the deeds of the house and they have an input in where the house is located and what property we buy. Also if we decide to sell the house the money will go back to them.

Now whilst I feel this is very generous of them I also feel like it is offered under too much of a constriction. At the end of the day we will be signing a 25 year mortgage on the property, surely what we want and where we get it should be our decision. Also I'm not sure where we stand legaly with £30k of our house being written as blonging to somebody else in the deeds of the house and finally any chance to move up the property ladder is going to be reduced by having that £30k shortfall when we do sell up.

Because of this I've told my gf that I would be happier if we stuck to our original plan of buying what we can afford now without this extra money and all the strings that are attached to it. Another worry is that they are talking about buying a property and rennovating it and extending it whereas we were planning on moving into a house that needed little or no structual work doing to it!

What does the collective wisdom of OCUK think? Am I stupid for wanting to turn down such a large sum of money or do you agree that it is offered under too many conditions?

PS. Sorry for the stupidly long post

Morba · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:25

if you can already afford the house you want, go for it and do not take the money.

tell them you are grateful for the offer but its not that needed at this time and may be much more appreciated / needed / wanted in the future, say when children are on the way and the mother will be out of work for a while.

basmic · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:27

Is negotiation not possible with her parents? If not, then buy the house you want.

KaHn · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:28

If you dont need the hassle kindly decline.

KaHn

lordrobs · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:30

Morba said:
if you can already afford the house you want, go for it and do not take the money.

tell them you are grateful for the offer but its not that needed at this time and may be much more appreciated / needed / wanted in the future, say when children are on the way and the mother will be out of work for a while.

The problem I'm faced with is the £120 to £130k houses we were looking at suddenly seem less appealing to my gf now she's had a look at whats available for £150 to £160k

Whilst I will do it in the best possible way and what you have said is basically a summary of what I will say to them I'm going to feel like a bit of an ungrateful git saying effectively "Thanks for the money but we don't want it"

Its a stupid situation too, normally its a lack of money that throws a sanner in the works. I was going to book an appointment with a mortgage advisor tomorrow but now everythings back up in the air again

RichL · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:31

It sounds like your gf's parents will be buying the house with you rather than giving you the money. If it was me and I could afford to do it without their money I would gratefully decline.

lordrobs · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:35

basmic said:
Is negotiation not possible with her parents? If not, then buy the house you want.

My gf seems to think so, I'm not so sure. Her dad seems like a bit of a control freak with her. Example being the first 4 months of her owning her own car he always filled it up / went with her to fill it up because she "wouldn't be able to do it"

It just seems like too much of an opportunity for him to interfere and get us to do what he wants ie rennovating a house in a completely different location.

Stupid points are being raised against our prefered locations such as bottle necks at rush hour on certain roads etc.

Curio · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:40

Another vote for "gratefully decline". You sound like you have good savings and don't really need their help - just sounds like a potential cause for arguments and bad feelings down the line to me. Best avoided.

Morba · 4 Apr 2006 at 00:41

i guess that you both need to remember that your going out with each other, not your going out with her family.

Baron G · 4 Apr 2006 at 01:18

Hmm,

Parents becoming too involved is bad news. I've a friend who's in-laws ruined an otherwise good relationship.

When they split up (because of the father in law), there was all kinds of hassle over who got what for the house because her parents had paid a proportion of the deposit.

The previous poster who suggested they keep the money for grandkids had a good idea.

Raymond Lin · 4 Apr 2006 at 01:34

The constriction adside, which is up to you. It is not hard to make the house with the parents havig a share. Just get the solicitor to draft up for the house to be Tenants in Common, each of you can have its share to the house. But you'll have to be careful of tax implication should one of the owners die as it'll fall under inheritance tax, where if the house is Joint tennants, it wouldn't fall under inheritance tax. That could be a long way away, but it is something you have to think about too.

Bunka · 4 Apr 2006 at 01:37

Morba said:
i guess that you both need to remember that your going out with each other, not your going out with her family.

A very good point, you wont want the hassle of having to ask her parents where you can live next time you move house. If you can afford a house between you, then as others have said, gratefully decline the offer.

PardonTheWait · 4 Apr 2006 at 02:02

As others have said, gratefully decline it and imo try to make sure they know you really appreciate the offer but have decided to do it independently because you do not want to feel restricted.

Stellios · 4 Apr 2006 at 02:07

Its a gererous offer, but personally id rather choose somewhere i wanted and pay the extra. No point letting them pay part of it off if they want you in an area you dont like. Also, in which case make sure you have room for kids if you cant move house for 25 years providing you accept the offer.

Its very generous of them, but personally i would kindly reject it in favour of being where i wanted to be.

benneh · 4 Apr 2006 at 03:14

You would be absolutely bloody insane to take the money on any other ground than to buy a house, do it up, sell it next year. Hand over the 30k and buy your own house (with your own cash). In short, stay well clear.

peter_hutson · 4 Apr 2006 at 03:22

Don't take the money mate. Just buy the house with what you and your GF have. Purchasing a house puts lots of pressure on a relationship, the last thing you need is your GF parents also feeling they have the right to get involved. You will end up feeling that you are an unequal partner in your own home. I can honestly say that I would turn down such an offer from my OWN parents if they put restrictions on how I could use the money.

Also don't think they are offering the money to help you, they are doing it to help their daughter. In the event that everything went boobs up, they will certainly use the equity in the house against you. I know it's not nice to think along these lines, but unpleasant things do happen.

Dingo · 4 Apr 2006 at 04:55

peter_hutson said:
Also don't think they are offering the money to help you, they are doing it to help their daughter. In the event that everything went boobs up, they will certainly use the equity in the house against you. I know it's not nice to think along these lines, but unpleasant things do happen.

Sad, but probably true!

Gracefully decline, but deal with Daddy's girl first and make sure she understands the reasons for it, as lovely as the thought of a bigger\nicer house is, it has to be your (you and the g\f's house) and not part of the family!!.

Lostkat · 4 Apr 2006 at 06:59

I think they're actually offering it not specifically to help her, but to keep tabs on her and retain some kind of control over her life. You need to try and explain this to her first and get a consensus, so you can go to her parents as a unified front. Just telling them on your own won't do much good.

Dtab · 4 Apr 2006 at 07:24

So in effect,with their stipulations,they are not giving you anything other than an interest free loan,and if it means the property ends up x% yours and y% theirs,its not even interset free really

Been in a similar situation myself,and tho it didn't turn nasty in any way,shape or form ,it was nonetheless a right royal pita :mad:

lordrobs · 4 Apr 2006 at 08:42

Lots of good points so thanks to everyone.

To the poster who said they are doing it to help her and not us: I fully agree, part of the reason they want the £30k put into the deeds in their name is so if we do split NEITHER of us would have a legal right to the money therefore it wouldn't be included when we split assets. That would then leave them free to give the money back to her without me getting a hold of any of it.

Lostkat: I also agree with this fully. As I said he is a control freak, and our nice modern house in a nice estate within a popular village just to the west of the city has already become a rennovation project in the middle of the sticks to the east

We both work full time and he is a maintenance manager for the NHS so he knows a lot of "people that can" so even the prospect of us being able to do up a place as we want it goes out of the window as he will effectively try and take that over too.

Dtab: Legally they will only ever own £30k of the house irrespective of the house's value so in that sense it is a very generous offer. Its just the fact that its not as simple as heres £30k now go and buy a nicer house.

Luckily she understands where I am coming from but she also sees it as an opportunity to own a better house that if we were going to go it alone we probably wouldn't be able to move up to a similar property for at the very least 5 years probably nearer 10.

Without being overly pesamistic about it with her dads over-bearing ways and my short fuse I can see it tearing us apart if we do take it and thats too big a price to pay for any amount of cash.

I think if it was the difference between not being able to afford anything the situation would be completely different but as it stands I see no real reason to put our selves in that position.