Am I just an ungreatful so and so?
- Thread starter lordrobs
- Start date
Talk to your GF and clear up the issue of her £30k and your £5k first; both parties need to agree that the house will be 50/50 if anything ever does happen.
Then talk about the gift offered to HER; if it's a gift, she can decide to do whatever she wants with it, if it's a loan or some other arrangement, ask her to decline.
Get away from those apron strings and make your own way/mistakes
you'll feel much better about things if the decisions are yours (couple) rather than having parents feeling that they have a right to interfere, because of financial input.
Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Then talk about the gift offered to HER; if it's a gift, she can decide to do whatever she wants with it, if it's a loan or some other arrangement, ask her to decline.
Get away from those apron strings and make your own way/mistakes
you'll feel much better about things if the decisions are yours (couple) rather than having parents feeling that they have a right to interfere, because of financial input.Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Yeah the fact that she has £25k more to put down on the house than me isn't too much of an issue as we've talked it through and were both happy that because my pay before tax is 50% more than hers I'll be paying a greater share of the house and bills etc.
The way I see it is the money is a gift but will be offered in the form of an interest free loan that doesn't necersarily have to be paid back. Your right about cutting apron strings though. Thats part of the idea of us getting our own place at the end of the day they will always have that hold of what should be our house.
Whilst its her parents and therefore her decision, its also my decision whether I sign a 25 year mortgage on a house that isn't 100% ours and to be honest I'm not willing to do that. Thats before taking into consideration the other restrictions.
The way I see it is the money is a gift but will be offered in the form of an interest free loan that doesn't necersarily have to be paid back. Your right about cutting apron strings though. Thats part of the idea of us getting our own place at the end of the day they will always have that hold of what should be our house.
Whilst its her parents and therefore her decision, its also my decision whether I sign a 25 year mortgage on a house that isn't 100% ours and to be honest I'm not willing to do that. Thats before taking into consideration the other restrictions.
singist said:Talk to your GF and clear up the issue of her £30k and your £5k first; both parties need to agree that the house will be 50/50 if anything ever does happen.
Then talk about the gift offered to HER; if it's a gift, she can decide to do whatever she wants with it, if it's a loan or some other arrangement, ask her to decline.
Get away from those apron strings and make your own way/mistakes
Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Totally agree with this. Sounds to me like her dad refuses to let go of her and wants you "tied" to them for at least another 5-10 years.
Sounds very dodgy ground to me and i think that you would be right to afford what you can yourself and gracefully decline. Then see what his reaction is... if hes not fussed about it id be VERY surprised. He will then attempt to change the deal so your GF sides with him and you end up having to accept... just keep an eye out for it coming.
I understand where your coming from. She was really excited about it when she phoned me to tell me but then she started talking about it more and alarm bells started ringing in my head!
At the end of the day unless the money is a straight out no strings attached gift to her I don't want any part of it and if it means we are both stuck at home then so be it
At the end of the day unless the money is a straight out no strings attached gift to her I don't want any part of it and if it means we are both stuck at home then so be it
I would leave the money, seems very odd! The whole point of moving out is to get your own independance!
Or you could take the money and invest it in something other then the house, when the time comes give it back to them and keep the interest!
You say that they had 30k to give each of their children, why do they your gf to give it back to them at some point? Surely its either a gift or your gf has asked for a loan to buy a better house. I cant imagine many parents saving up loads of money purely as loans for their children.
Or you could take the money and invest it in something other then the house, when the time comes give it back to them and keep the interest!
You say that they had 30k to give each of their children, why do they your gf to give it back to them at some point? Surely its either a gift or your gf has asked for a loan to buy a better house. I cant imagine many parents saving up loads of money purely as loans for their children.
Man of Honour
- Joined
- 17 Nov 2003
- Posts
- 36,750
- Location
- Southampton, UK
lordrobs said:
I disagree with it being her decision, your moving into a house together and having a joint mortgage, so it is a joint decision. You really need to get across your feeling to her and make her understand. Its times like these that will fortify your relationship and make moving in worthwhile.
Don't feel like you should be on your own when raising the issues to the parents. Like has been said, you need a unified front.
Burnsy
Edit: Maybe you and your missus should ask her parents directly, why they want constrictions on the money and see what they say? Or is that too provocative?
Last edited:
Soldato
- Joined
- 14 Feb 2004
- Posts
- 14,316
- Location
- Peoples Republic of Histonia, Cambridge
Agreed, don't take the money unless they're prepared to be more reasonable about it, i.e. it's a no strings attached gift to spend on your future.Desmo said:
Tbh I would be rather ****** off with her parents if they'd put me in this position. Do you get on with them?
As far as I can see the idea of it being a loan is as follow: 1. If myself and my gf split then I don't end up with half and 2. it gives them some control over what property we buy ie we couldn't get what THEY wanted us to get just to sell it on 6 months later.yak.h'cir said:
In reality we would never have to pay it back IF we bought a property that they approved of
Anyway there have been developments. I'm quite proud of my gf as she stood up to them and said basically "I've discussed it with Rob and whilst its a very generous offer we feel that we should be able to decide on where we want to live and what property we buy." Now knowing her parents that can't have been the easiest thing in the world to do.
It appears to have worked too. Basically they want her to have this money so they have now said that we can buy what we want and there will be no mention of the £30k in the deeds.
The only thing they did ask is that before we put an offer in on a house and spend money on a survey that we let her dad, who is a trained quantative surveyer, have a look to see if there is anything major that would be thrown up by a survey so we don't end up spending money on surveys just to find out the house has something structually wrong with it. I'm fine with this and if I think he's making up a problem because he doesn't like a particular property then we can always get it surveyed anyway and see if that confirms it.
She has said to me though that she doesn't want it to come between us or our house hunting so if they do try and use it as a lever against us we will just go with our original budget and get what we had planned.
Stretch said:
In the 4 or so years we've been together, and infact since I first met her nearly 8 years ago, I've only ever met them about half a dozen times. I wouldn't say we didn't get on but they aren't the easiest people to start a conversation with although I did try my best. They have no reason to dislike me lets put it that way!
Last edited:
Sounds like a fairly good compromise. But what happens in the future when you want to move? Are they ever expecting any of it back? When you want to upgrade to a bigger house, do you need to find an extra £30K as well as the extra for the house?
No as far as I can tell they are willing to just give her the money although they are quite keen on making sure that legally that £30k is protected if we do split. I don't have a problem with that aslong as the money is legally hers and not her parents.Desmo said:
Man of Honour
- Joined
- 17 Nov 2003
- Posts
- 36,750
- Location
- Southampton, UK
Desmo said:
Desmo has a good point, clarify this before you touch the money.
Burnsy
lordrobs said:As far as I can see the idea of it being a loan is as follow: 1. If myself and my gf split then I don't end up with half and 2. it gives them some control over what property we buy ie we couldn't get what THEY wanted us to get just to sell it on 6 months later.
In reality we would never have to pay it back IF we bought a property that they approved of
Anyway there have been developments. I'm quite proud of my gf as she stood up to them and said basically "I've discussed it with Rob and whilst its a very generous offer we feel that we should be able to decide on where we want to live and what property we buy." Now knowing her parents that can't have been the easiest thing in the world to do.
It appears to have worked too. Basically they want her to have this money so they have now said that we can buy what we want and there will be no mention of the £30k in the deeds.
The only thing they did ask is that before we put an offer in on a house and spend money on a survey that we let her dad, who is a trained quantative surveyer, have a look to see if there is anything major that would be thrown up by a survey so we don't end up spending money on surveys just to find out the house has something structually wrong with it. I'm fine with this and if I think he's making up a problem because he doesn't like a particular property then we can always get it surveyed anyway and see if that confirms it.
She has said to me though that she doesn't want it to come between us or our house hunting so if they do try and use it as a lever against us we will just go with our original budget and get what we had planned.
In the 4 or so years we've been together, and infact since I first met her nearly 8 years ago, I've only ever met them about half a dozen times. I wouldn't say we didn't get on but they aren't the easiest people to start a conversation with although I did try my best. They have no reason to dislike me lets put it that way!
Sounds like your girlfriend has got her head screwed on straight.
Yeah it is a very valid point. The money would have to legally be hers and not a loan for us to go with it.burnsy2023 said:
Yeah she has, luckily she knows that at the end of the day there are more important things in life than money.
Things could get messy if you split up in the future.
My parents in law have 30-40k set aside for me and my wife once we look for a house in 2 years time. They don't expect it back at all because they know that we're married and in for the long haul.
It may depend on how much marriage means to you, but if I were her rents I wouldn't be giving you a damn thing, if you split up in 3 years time after you get bored of each other or something, things would just be terrible with 30k in the equation.
My parents in law have 30-40k set aside for me and my wife once we look for a house in 2 years time. They don't expect it back at all because they know that we're married and in for the long haul.
It may depend on how much marriage means to you, but if I were her rents I wouldn't be giving you a damn thing, if you split up in 3 years time after you get bored of each other or something, things would just be terrible with 30k in the equation.
Thats a fair point. We are really commited to each other, but we don't want to get married, not at this point anyway. Whilst being married doesn't instantly make us less likely to split up I can see that from their point of view it would show a certain level of commitment.FirebarUK said:
As said I think you should certainly put some plans down which, in a worse case scenario, would allow you to pay back the money.
If you split up, I can bet her parents will be ****** as to where 30k has gone
No swearing.
Otacon
If you split up, I can bet her parents will be ****** as to where 30k has gone
No swearing.
Otacon
