Anyone around for a long relationship thread? Need advice desperately

Caporegime
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right ok get a coffee put your reading glasses on you older people with experience you! :p

you guys confitable? good! if not tough

Right heres how it goes

on ye olde week of easter i took an extra day off to return a TFT to my old company as i bought it through them so it was getting RMA'd through them. Now i worked there from June 2004 till Feb 05 and in about July 04 i started seeing a girl that worked there, so we don't get confused. her name is Kelly.

Now it carried on and was going very very well for both of us until i left the company then problems arose, i couldnt drive, she lived miles away both work different days and hours so therfore - split decision and that was the end of it.
Now one thing i learned of when i was with her, she used to cut herself.

Now some of you may also remember when i started going out with Megan, a wonderful girl that works next to me, now you no when you go out with someone and you feel that "spark" (if thats a way to describe it) well i felt that with Megan, but due to stress in her life and mine aswell we decided to stay "friends" and that was a fair while ago now, (just before christmas).

Now this is where it gets confusing, who remembers the thread i made about when i saw my ex girlfriend at my old company, that she told me she wanted to get back togethor, and i saw her once out of work and finished it with the girl i was sort of seeing and have been with kelly since.

Now this is where it gets REALLY confusing, Kelly lives miles away, and because of the hours and days we both work, we barely see each other (once a week?) but text and talk a lot on the phone.

Now Megan has recently started texting me CONSTANTLY outside of work, and we get on really well during work aswell, and shes been dropping hints and things, and i've just fobbed her off, but remember what i said about the spark i feel with Megan? i can still feel it,

ok so the Major dilema

I want to be with Megan, she lives down the road it'll be a lot easier than it is with Kelly,

Kelly relieves stress with a knife, never slit her wrists but hospitalised herself once a few years ago, and im terrified of what she might do if she finds out that either

A) I leave her

B) She finds out i've left her for another woman

i would like to no what people advise and if you need more explaining please feel free, im gonna be up for awhile on this. and very confused on what to do plus how to handle things as things like self harm has always twinged something inside that i don't like.
 
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My god. Very very hard. I would leave her ASAP to give as long a period of singleness as possible. Make sure you really properly tell her that it's because it's so difficult and that you can't deal with that right now. I have a friend that told his GF he wasnted to split with her, so she slit her wrists then sent him images over MSN. He's still with her, but the question you have to ask yourself is should you stay with someone because you're scared of what they might do to themselves?
 
Ive had a few mates with this problem of "i cant leave her because she may hurt herself" but at the end of the day its not fair on you or her to keep it goin on that pretence.

If you dont want to be with her tell her and if your scare that she will harm hersel make sure (as stupid as it may seem ) to inform her friends that your going to/ have done it so that she will have support.

At the end of the day you cant put your life on hold because she has mental problems man. go with the flow.

Hope this helps.

Jegz
 
Zefan said:
but the question you have to ask yourself is should you stay with someone because you're scared of what they might do to themselves?


My answer to your question is no because then your bound and unhappy in fear of causing their pain. But its getting out of the relationship, i mean ive Megan and Kelly texting me right now and megan just offered me to go round her house right now (2 minute drive)

simple fact i need to end it with kelly
not so simple fact - how?
 
jegz said:
At the end of the day you cant put your life on hold because she has mental problems man.
Hope this helps.
Jegz

Indeed i can't put my life on hold because of it. your completely right, i need to to end it with kelly, but i need to it so delicately, im not even sure her family (doubt it) even no about her cuts, and i havent really met her friends so i cant tell them.
 
It is worse for you to continue with her if you do not want to be with her and are thinking of someone else. You are effectively emotionally cheating on her.

She may self harm but things may get amplified if you drag it out further. I suggest you split with her as supportively as you can and make sure her friends and family are there for her, and can keep an eye on her.

I'm afraid its a case of it being the lesser of two evils.


But heavens sake, make sure it's 100% what you want before you do it.

Good luck.
 
You really are in a tight spot man. is there no way you can find out someone close to her and inform them of her problem and the fact that you fear for her safety.

You really shouldnt have to base a relasionship on fear, and to be fair she blatently has more probs that need sorting other than her bf. have a sleuth around and try to find someone to support her.
 
jegz said:
You really are in a tight spot man. is there no way you can find out someone close to her and inform them of her problem and the fact that you fear for her safety.

You really shouldnt have to base a relasionship on fear, and to be fair she blatently has more probs that need sorting other than her bf. have a sleuth around and try to find someone to support her.


I can't think of a way because like i say ive never really met her friends and if i go through her phone she will kill me. and if i say i wanna meet your best mates she'll prob think the relationship is going well.
 
Just make sure you DO NOT mention another woman or anything. You're going to have to lie when she asks you why you're leaving her and that's going to be hard :(
 
Zefan said:
Just make sure you DO NOT mention another woman or anything. You're going to have to lie when she asks you why you're leaving her and that's going to be hard :(


yeh tell me about it as im crap at lying and i hate doing it especially to women, but if i mention another woman then she will more than likely hospitalise herself again
 
hmmm........ i hate to say it but just leave her then mate she sounds like a nut job :eek:

Its damage limitation man, you go through her phone, you get her parents number she may find out. :eek:

At the end of the day you shouldnt have to worry about this stuff but drastic times call for drastic measures. im sure you can look through her phone while she's in the toilet etc.

At the end of the day your not happy which is the main concern as that is the most important thing at the end of the day!

Who do you go to bed with every night??? YOU

Who do you wake up with every morning???? YOU

I know it sounds pig headed and selfish but we get not a lot of time on this planet so do what you have to do.

Jegz
 
You could just be cold and heartless all of a sudden, at least she'd be angry at you rather than at herself... this kinda worked with my ex. I have the feeling she did nasty NASTY things purely so I didn't get upset and just hated her instead. hmmmm not really sure whether this is good advice, just rambling.
 
ive turned my phone off and ive said to both of them ill speak to them tomorrow its going constantly and if im nt careful ill txt the wrong person

im off to bed ill check the thread tomorrow and keep this thread updated
 
Why did you actually get back with Kelly? It's late so I might be missing it but it seems like the situation ie. distance and working hours, never changed between the two times you've gone out with her so what made you think the second time would be any different to the first?

It just seems to me like you're jumping from person to person without really thinking about the impact your actions are having. You finished with someone in order to go out with Kelly, now you're finishing with her to go out with Megan. Does Megan even know that you're with Kelly at the moment?

In your original post you said 'she used to cut herself'; did she continue to do it when you were with her and do you know for a fact that she's still doing it now?

I understand that you're in a bit of a situation right now but you've not really done yourself any favours. I could understand if this was the first time round with Kelly and you'd just found out about her self harming but you've had your eyes wide open throughout this.

I'd echo Gaijin and say you should break it off with Kelly as gently and as soon as possible but make sure it's what you really want because deciding you want to be with her for a third time is going to mess her head up a lot more than it already is.
 
The vast majority of people who cut themselves and tell people about it arent suicidal...You should have left that crazy moo as soon as you found out she cut herself to relieve stress :ugh:

Just go with the spark girl...Lifes too short to please everyone...So what if kelly cuts herself some more, shes gonna do it anyway...
 
Zefan said:
You could just be cold and heartless all of a sudden, at least she'd be angry at you rather than at herself... this kinda worked with my ex. I have the feeling she did nasty NASTY things purely so I didn't get upset and just hated her instead. hmmmm not really sure whether this is good advice, just rambling.
Didn't work with mine. I stopped telling him I loved him, and wanted less and less physical contact. He didn't even notice until I told him it was over. I guess that showed it was the right move.

All I can suggest is what others have said. Break it off as quickly as possible. If she threatens to harm herself, tell her parents. It's not your problem, and using it against you to make you stay is absolutely disgusting. I would also advise that you break off ALL contact with her when you do this, or it's likely to drag out forever, and you'll start upsetting Megan too. Just make sure that you're absolutely certain about who you want this time round.
 
Lostkat said:
Didn't work with mine. I stopped telling him I loved him, and wanted less and less physical contact. He didn't even notice until I told him it was over. I guess that showed it was the right move.

All I can suggest is what others have said. Break it off as quickly as possible. If she threatens to harm herself, tell her parents. It's not your problem, and using it against you to make you stay is absolutely disgusting. I would also advise that you break off ALL contact with her when you do this, or it's likely to drag out forever, and you'll start upsetting Megan too. Just make sure that you're absolutely certain about who you want this time round.
Damn, too slow. ^^ just what I was going to say. I had a very brief fling with a self harmer.
 
Nope mate, you don't want to be tied dowm to a self harmer, have been with one of those myself, and at the end of the day she's pulling the emotional strings, very much like my ex did. the last time she pulled that stunt on me I upped sticks and left, she waspointing a knife at me at the time but I just said "Don't be so stupid, you don't intend to hurt me or yourself" jumped in my car and I haven't looked back since.

If you stay with Kelly, I can see it getting quite nasty, and if thats how she deals with stress there is something clearly wrong with her. At the end of the day your best bet is to makesure she knows how clear your intentions are, don't make the mistake that I did the first few times and I kept going back for more. Stop all forms of communication with her (obviously tell her it's the end) never look back and move on.

Lets face it though that is controlling "If you go, I'll cut my wrists" it's mainly attention seeking when things don't go her way.

Anyway thats just my two pence worth, good luck mate and I hope it all goes well.
 
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