Bernard Matthews RIP!!
- Thread starter Spit
- Start date
Soldato
I would think his friends and family will beg to differ.
Soldato
He will be shirley missed by me. I grew up and still nom his food almost every day! 
RIP man, and thanks for the meaty protein noms.
RIP man, and thanks for the meaty protein noms.
Associate
RIP Bernard..
You have to admire his timing though and the bootiful irony of his passing on Thanksgiving day.
You have to admire his timing though and the bootiful irony of his passing on Thanksgiving day.
The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
Associate
Ah man, not enough love for his turkey innovation here.
Soldato
Soldato
of course i do, but mass producing animals in the way he did to increase profits has to be a big no no in my opinion.
Easy to say that now when your not in a war torn country living from rations isn't it?
they needed food, any kind of food. the more food britain could produce the better.
it was different times.
Soldato
shame was a great comedian
Wrong Bernard!
Soldato
I thought he was already dead 
Man of Honour
I thought he was already dead
Same, thought Bernard Mathews was older than it is.
Soldato
He was a real person? I thought he was some made-up character like Captain Birdseye or The Hamburgler.
So I wasn't the only one! It was quite a shock when I turned on the news this morning.
These sort of deaths always seem to come in threes; I'm betting Uncle Ben and Aunt Bessie will be next.
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Soldato
The police suspect cause of death was intense battery.
