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Best man speech jokes. Help GD!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Andybtsn, Apr 26, 2014.

  1. Andybtsn

    Don

    Joined: Oct 23, 2005

    Posts: 39,673

    Location: North Yorkshire

    So I'm probably in a different position to most best men in that I should have a number of options to make the groom and bride squirm as they are my sister and a best mate!

    So can GD unite and help me with jokes about the whole situation?

    Thanks!

    The best ones I will use and let you know if they get any laughs :p
     
  2. [FnG]magnolia

    Pancake

    Joined: Aug 29, 2007

    Posts: 26,247

    Location: Bees.

    "Let me tell you about my best mate having regular and vigorous sexual intercourse with my sister."
     
  3. RoboCod

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 19, 2004

    Posts: 17,476

    Location: On the Amiga500

    I found that having a secret rendezvous with the bride to be (fnar fnar - but ooer as it's your sister this time??) and getting all the juicy gossip out of her was best. All the stupid things he does, how he wooed her, quirky things he does round the house. Get all those and then just tell everyone at the speech. One thing our groom did was hate Jamie Oliver so much, he used to turn all his cookery books round on the shelves in the shops so he didn't have to look at his face. My wedding gift to them? Well the latest Jamie Oliver cook book, with a very heart felt loving message written inside so he had to keep it of course!

    As for making the bride squirm, I've always been of the impression that you don't do that so much as it's "her day". Go to town on him though, just don't swear!

    If all else fails and you're struggling though, finish with this poem. It will definitely create much laughter.

     
  4. Mr_T

    Hitman

    Joined: Feb 7, 2006

    Posts: 728

    Location: Perth, Australia

    One that I wrote but didn't have the guts to say at my best man speech

    "Now as you all know Samantha is a girl with expensive tastes, thankfully Matt could supply her with many a perl necklass"

    I chickened out as her gran was sat right in front of me.
     
  5. JAMAL

    Soldato

    Joined: Oct 19, 2002

    Posts: 6,955

    Tell the one saying 'and I hope they have a great honeymoon in Wales' then get one of the wedding guests say they are not going Wales they are going the real place they are going, cue you then saying ' oh he told me he was going bangor\bang her for 2 weeks.
     
  6. ZombieFan

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 14, 2010

    Posts: 1,047

    Location: Somerset

    When I was best man for my brother, I opened with a line something like "I'm very pleased to be here today, since it means my brother has finally admitted that I am the best man"
     
  7. RoboCod

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 19, 2004

    Posts: 17,476

    Location: On the Amiga500

    Oh I forgot about the key one, I stole from someone who mentioned it here a while ago. I planted keys on several women throughout the day, including grandma and a pregnant woman (and one guy). At teh start of the speech I then asked all women with a spare key to the grooms chasitity belt/bedroom door to return them now that he is made a honest man. Everyone found it hilarious when a long line of women queued up to the top table to rturn their "key".

    Sorry still not sibling related but funny none the less.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2014
  8. Participant

    Caporegime

    Joined: May 13, 2003

    Posts: 30,807

    Location: Warwickshire

    I know it's hard, but I've heard that at roughly 50% of the weddings I've attended.
     
  9. Krisali

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jun 15, 2008

    Posts: 1,244

    Location: Bolton, England

    That's painfully unfunny. Did anyone laugh?
     
  10. ZombieFan

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 14, 2010

    Posts: 1,047

    Location: Somerset

    Hey. He wanted ideas. Now he's got another.

    Yep, it but it obviously relies on the people at the wedding to know yourself quite well, and the relationship between you and the groom.
     
  11. Stretch

    Capodecina

    Joined: Feb 14, 2004

    Posts: 11,618

    Location: Peoples Republic of Histonia, Cambridge

    You done the right thing.
     
  12. LOAM

    Capodecina

    Joined: Oct 20, 2004

    Posts: 11,478

    Location: Nottingham

    "I cant help but think he's only marrying her because he knows I wont try and bang her!"
     
  13. dink

    Hitman

    Joined: Feb 14, 2014

    Posts: 513

    I am sure the groom is worrying about this being the most embarrassing few minutes of his day, although I can assure him that will be later on in the hotel room!

    ..used that last year.
     
  14. Slobbo

    Gangster

    Joined: Jan 1, 2014

    Posts: 265

    Location: Scotchland

    Why not just do a normal speech without any of the laddish innuendos?

    If you're funny you come up with your own jokes. If you're not funny you rely on people on the internet getting them from other people on the internet, who also got them from other people on the internet, which is what you have as suggestions so far!
     
  15. Slobbo

    Gangster

    Joined: Jan 1, 2014

    Posts: 265

    Location: Scotchland

    I find the sentence construction there quite clumsy. Can't imagine you got many laughs.
     
  16. Nitefly

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Sep 24, 2005

    Posts: 31,767

    I just told a load of stories. It helped that the groom was a bit special :p
     
  17. kokuten

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 20, 2011

    Posts: 1,359

    Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

    start with "I have been nervous about this speech all day and this isn't the first time I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand"
     
  18. mattyfez

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Apr 12, 2007

    Posts: 9,318

    There was this one time, in Thailand....
     
  19. Deep

    Soldato

    Joined: Jul 29, 2004

    Posts: 6,334

    Location: West London

    Good, because that wasn't funny
     
  20. ElliorR

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Feb 20, 2009

    Posts: 8,654

    Location: Not where I'd like to be

    If you and your sister still live in the same house....

    I'll miss my sister now she's moving out but at least the constant smell of vagisil will be gone.