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Experiencing grief before it happens

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by fretted, May 11, 2019.

  1. fretted

    Hitman

    Joined: Jan 4, 2010

    Posts: 541

    I've just found out that my gran is dying and has days to live. I've been in denial for a few weeks now but the doctor has said that it was unlikely she will pull through.

    How does one cope with the "pre-grief" considering "it hasnt happened yet and may not for a few days or weeks.

    I have found myself breaking into unspontaneous bouts of crying as I've realised the truth of the situation.
     
  2. [FnG]magnolia

    Pancake

    Joined: Aug 29, 2007

    Posts: 25,763

    Location: Bees.

    The honest answer, for me, is that you don't. You can strategise, and read books, and take advice, but it likely won't matter. Grief is real and it's difficult, and knowing that's coming kicks it off and that is horrid. You're not pre-grief, you're already grieving for what will happen.

    Surround yourself with friends or family or whatever support network you have in place. Good luck, dude :support:
     
  3. darael

    Mobster

    Joined: Jul 10, 2010

    Posts: 3,920

    In your situation, I would spend every reasonable moment with her whenever you get the opportunity. Try not to show that you are upset and talk with her.

    It's hard to word this properly without sounding insensitive. But your gran will be glad when she is no longer suffering and you should take this small amount of "happiness" as something positive.
     
  4. robfosters

    Caporegime

    Joined: Dec 1, 2010

    Posts: 29,570

    Location: Welling, London

    I knew my Nan was going to die about a week before she did.

    I was obviously very upset, but I kept rationalising it in my head. She was in her 80’s, she had a great life with kids, nice home, holidays, never struggled for money, her husband who she had adored had been dead 10 years, and she had been ill for a while following heart failure and mini stroke. I kept thinking to myself that I would be happy to have a life like hers.

    It helped, but I was obviously still very sad when she finally went, but it was peaceful and pain free, with her two daughters, who she had watched grow up and given her lovely grandchildren and great grandchildren to cherish, by her side, so I made my peace with it very quickly.
     
  5. Acme

    Caporegime

    Joined: Jul 29, 2011

    Posts: 30,142

    Location: Acme's chair

    When my grandad was dying my biggest regret is that I didn't spend more time with him. Learn from my mistake and spend as much time with her as you can. Talk to her. Ask her to tell you stories about her life.

    There is stuff I want to know about my grandad that I never asked. And now I can never know.
     
  6. robfosters

    Caporegime

    Joined: Dec 1, 2010

    Posts: 29,570

    Location: Welling, London

    I know exactly how you feel. I was 20 when my grandad died, and it was only after he died that I matured. I started to get interested in the war and history and to respect the sacrifices our servicemen made. He had lived and fought through the battle of the Atlantic and was quite the distinguished naval officer.

    Never talked to him about it as I was young, brash and naive. Just didn’t care. Now, I so wish I had, he must have had some stories to tell, and could have educated me about the realities of it far better than any documentary could.
     
  7. fretted

    Hitman

    Joined: Jan 4, 2010

    Posts: 541

    It's too late, she cant communicate any more. I can't talk to her but only watch her waste away
     
  8. robfosters

    Caporegime

    Joined: Dec 1, 2010

    Posts: 29,570

    Location: Welling, London

    If she’s in that bad a way then maybe passing away is the kindest thing for her. Yes, you feel bad, but she’s had a long life, and hopefully a happy one. Millions of people around the world don’t get that chance. Be thankful for the life she’s had.
     
  9. DarrenM343

    Mobster

    Joined: Oct 19, 2008

    Posts: 4,597

    Appreciate and cherish the time you have left with her.
    Also, try to remember that death is part of the lifecycle of everything, including this planet, eventually and our sun. She has lived to a nice old age. This is what I try to remember as some of those close are growing more fragile. I fear losing my parents and not sure how I will handle it when the time comes but frequently remind myself that we all die at some point but the world continues around us. We must all appreciate our own life too, enjoying it the best we can until the time comes.
     
  10. Dis86

    Capodecina

    Joined: Dec 23, 2011

    Posts: 20,365

    Location: Northern England

    You don't cope. If you cry, you cry. There's no shame. Let it come out.
    It's horrible and it's hard. What I found when I lost my grandad was that because I knew it was inevitable so long beforehand I partially came to terms with it and it made his actual passing easier.
     
  11. Ayahuasca

    Capodecina

    Joined: Apr 23, 2014

    Posts: 18,707

    Location: County Durham

    Be grateful for the time you did get to spend with her, not everyone is so lucky. I’d have loved to have had conversations with my grandparents but 2 of them passed before I was born, 1 at an age I was still crawling and the other had dementia from when I was 5 till when he passed away 5 years later.

    The grieving process is different for everyone so don’t feel like you have to deal with it a certain way.
     
  12. ivrytwr3

    Mobster

    Joined: Aug 25, 2006

    Posts: 3,412

    They say that the hearing is one of the last things to go - be with her, talk to her, say the things you want to say now before it's too late.
     
  13. Acme

    Caporegime

    Joined: Jul 29, 2011

    Posts: 30,142

    Location: Acme's chair

    I'm so sorry to hear that. But as the poster above has said, you can still speak to her. Love and best wishes. :)
     
  14. Raymond Lin

    Capo Crimine

    Joined: Oct 20, 2002

    Posts: 63,122

    Location: Wish i was in New York

    It’s just something that you take it one moment at a time, don’t fight it and let your emotional do it’s thing.
     
  15. Vidar

    Mobster

    Joined: Dec 18, 2008

    Posts: 3,863

    Location: Liverpool

    I found out my Dad was dying a few months before he passed... Aortic aneurism, nothing they could do and it could go any time.

    I honestly didn't know what to do but spend as much time with him as I could, feelings all over the place. There's no way to prepare, just one foot in front of the other so to speak and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Talk about it and don't bottle it up like I did.

    When she passes it will still come as a shock, just remember you're not alone, you loved her and she loved you. Take all the time you need.
     
  16. Pawnless Endgame

    Capodecina

    Joined: May 10, 2004

    Posts: 10,386

    Location: Sunny Stafford

    The timing of this thread is unreal - I could have written this myself.

    My Granny turns 90 in a few weeks. She's healthy but I know being at 90 means she haven't got many years left. My pre-grief comes off the back of losing Grandad a few months ago. That in itself manifested as nightmares (usually natural disasters like volcanos) but I'm now also getting nightmares of losing Granny, my remaining grandparent.
     
  17. tom01

    Associate

    Joined: May 1, 2012

    Posts: 45

    I found out my Nan had been diagnosed with cancer whilst I was away on a trip in Europe. It didn't really sink in when I heard the news on the phone from my dad. I remember feeling quite empty at the time but mid flight returning back to the UK I just suddenly broke down and burst in to tears. Also I'd just recently started my first ever serious relationship with my partner of the time and so as crap as it sounds I was spending a lot of time driving to the other side of the country at the end of the working week and whilst I maintained our regular telephone calls with her it wasn't until everything went south very quickly that I truly realised and accepted what was happening. I was lucky, I got to see her for a last time and we had the opportunity for a chat shortly before she died and when I got the call at work that it was 'hours' left, I dropped everything and left the office and drove straight to her home. If I could take anything from that experience it would be I wish I had spent more time with her during the final months. Looking back I was in denial (as was probably most of the family), she was a very healthy and strong person and we had little information about her condition (either from family trying to be protective or maybe not even knowing themselves) however it was all very difficult to process and I thought there was a chance she would pull through. As bad as the situation is, you have advanced notice so to speak.

    My advice is - Use this time wisely, see and speak to her as much as you can and just try to be a good grandson/daughter. The conversations and comments that are made until the end will remain etched in your memory more than you realiase now, you may have what appears to be at the time inconsequential conversations but years later they will stick with you, that has been the case for me however. Thoughts are with you.