friday joke

Soldato
Joined
30 Dec 2004
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Worcestershire
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
>>>life
>>>by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was
>>>about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw
>>>her
>>>tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,
>>>"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning,
>>>and
>>>if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take good care of you
>>>and
>>>bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her
>>>shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy." The
>>>girl
>>>nodded yes, after all, what did she
>>>have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new
>>>meaning
>>>
>>>That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
>>>then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
>>>fruit,
>>>and they made passionate love until dawn
>>>
>>>Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
>>>captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
>>>arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
>>>trip
>>>to America, and he's screwing me.""He certainly is," the captain said.
>>>"This
>>>is the Birkenhead Ferry." :D :p
>>>
 
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this fishing rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50." :D
 
Bad Joke(sorry) :D

Dons delete if unacceptable


A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
 
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
 
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."

Ok i'm off to bed now:):):)
 
PrettyInPink said:
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."

Ok i'm off to bed now:):):)
haha, look at the reactions i got for that joke ages ago: old thread link

:p
 
A new rule now will now apply to all joke threads.

Anyone posting re- finding a joke not funny must post a joke themselves immediately so that we can judge their sense of humour & see if their comments are justified, heh.heh, LOL :p ;)
 
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