Funny jokes? No, literally none in here.

Caporegime
Joined
29 Aug 2007
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Location
Auckland
Q : What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A : A polar bear.

___

"My grandfather lived till he was 96. He lived a long, full, happy life. If I had to pick the way I'd want to go, I'd like to end up how my grandfather died: he just sat down in a chair, leaned back, closed his eyes, and went to sleep.

Mind you, his dentist **** himself."

___

Q : How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A : AIDS

___

Q : What's the difference between a Mercedes Benz and a Hyundai?

A : Princess Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Hyundai.

___

Q : If Stephen Hawking won a medal for his mind, what did he win for his muscles?

A : Atrophy

___


I was sobbing tears of disgust as I typed these :(
 
Consigliere
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12 Jun 2004
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Location
RH20
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".
 
Soldato
Joined
20 Aug 2010
Posts
8,201
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
 
Consigliere
Joined
12 Jun 2004
Posts
150,149
Location
RH20
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude : What the hell is that?
Mable : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude : Where did you get it?
Mable : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles off to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
 
Caporegime
Joined
29 Aug 2007
Posts
27,475
Location
Auckland
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the Police.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were travelling?" asks the officer.

"No," replies Heisenberg, "But I know exactly where I was."

____

A man goes in for a job interview and, towards the end, the interviewer asks him what he feels is his greatest weakness.

"Well, to be honest, at times I have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality."

The interviewer furrows his brow and says, "Well, what is your greatest strength?"

The man growls, "I'm Batman."
 

mjt

mjt

Soldato
Joined
31 Aug 2007
Posts
19,464
[FnG]magnolia;20131012 said:
Q : If Stephen Hawking won a medal for his mind, what did he win for his muscles?

A : Atrophy

I think the baby Jesus just killed a kitty :(
 
Caporegime
Joined
20 May 2007
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36,334
Location
Surrey
[FnG]magnolia;20131122 said:

dave-silverman.jpg
 
Permabanned
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14 Nov 2009
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13,639
I only got the Princess Di and Steven Hawkings ones, and the former had me laughing in disgust for finding it funny :(
 
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