Grief, bereavement, loss of a parent

Soldato
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Haven't posted much in the last month on ocuk, usually just chatted crap in the movies/tv sub forum - my mother died 6th January suddenly and unexpectedly and i'm having a real hard time.

Hadn't seen her for over a year as she'd been unwell early last year with a minor illness, then covid hit. Just been waiting it out til it was all over to see her. She's not local, around 80 miles way, couldn't even really sneak a covid lockdown visit.

Now, it's all over.

She was 62, had a fall late night 4th January but didn't go hospital as she was worried about covid on 5th, her partner found her dead on 6th morning. Coroners report turned out the fall was a tragic coincidence, she had an enlarged heart and died from a cardiac thrombosis.

It's been over 4 weeks and i'm stuck, totally stuck, was doing ok until her cremation on Thursday just past, saw her in the coffin prior, said my goodbye, hasn't offered any closure, if anything i'm regressing. Spoke to doctor, got anti depressants, same as I used during my break down in 2017 that i've spoken of earlier in mental health thread.

I'm 41, i have a loving wife, a 3, almost 4 year old son who never stops smiling and I feel totally alone. I feel physical pain in my chest all the time, it hurts she's gone, I know i'm not alone, everyone loses parents, I just feel like i'm not being strong enough and need to man the F up. Wifes support has been amazing but know it has a shelf life and expiry date, just scared I won't get through this.

Work have furloughed me for time being, basis that my job is being covered, however have niggling anxiety of folks thinking i'm taking the P as not back yet.

Close friends have messaged a lot first few weeks but those texts and messages have fallen silent in recent weeks, probably don't know what to say.

No point to this post, it's late, i'm sad, i'm mildly drunk and ranting a little. Thanks for reading.

Ah yes, there was a point, anyone else who went through the same, when did you start to feel normal again?

EDIT: Been listening to this a lot, i'm not religious, consider myself atheist, however times like this do make us want to have some belief.
 
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Soldato
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Chin up. These things are sent to test us. Much love from a stranger.

I lost my Dad at 18 and it shaped the rest of my life from that moment. Hard few weeks, months, and days on occasion even now. Take strength in living, doing in her honour.
 
Associate
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I don't think any person ever truly gets through it and feels normal again to be honest. Some may, but you're never truly the same as before again. So I guess my advice is, don't try to be the same again, because that's not actually possible.
 
Soldato
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I can't really offer much other than the usual adage that time wi inevitably heal all sounds, I certainly hope this applies to you too.

It sucks, there's no two ways to it. Having lost my last grandparent last year (my mum's mum) and not being able to be there for my mum due to lockdown or attend the funeral / wake is something I will live with forever.

Hope you find peace mate, sorry to hear about your loss. If you need an unbiased shoulder to yell at my trust is just below.

Be strong :)
 
Soldato
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Really sorry to hear about your mum. I can't imagine the pain of losing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly.

I heard an analogy recently that really sunk home. The saying 'time is a healer' is ****. If you had a flat tyre, you wouldn't pull up a chair and wait for it to heal itself. You have to actively do things to deal with your feelings, however hard they may be.

Feeling down, crying, grieving is completely acceptable. Don't hide those feeling but also don't let them control you.

Take your son to the park, go for a drive, talk to your wife, lose yourself in a hobby. Grief is a long process and chances are you won't ever feel as you did prior to losing your mum.
 
Caporegime
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Sorry for your loss. It's tough when it's a close relative.

My advice would be drugs and antidepressants are usually never the answer and can lead to long term dependency or your situation worsening.

A trained specialist to talk to is likely able to unravel the real issue however finding a good one is hard as it's easy to blag. Psychology is fascinating.

Possibly a support group even online via zoom or discord could help? Try and do things which make you happy. Like spending more time with your child and playing with them.

Also it's okay to cry and let it all out. Even talking with a complete stranger may help.

In 1800 the average life expectancy was 40. Wasn't that long ago either. Try and think about the positives. Like all the good times together.
 
Man of Honour
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Truely sorry for your loss.

It gets easier over time (lost both my parents) but never completely goes away. I only ever really felt an adult when my father (the first of my parents to go) passed away.
 
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Soldato
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The feeling of loss never goes away, last year I lost my mum and best friend within 2 days of each other, got in a really dark place, wanted to tell my mum my friend died and wanted to tell my friend my mum died.
Faith makes the pain -1 I guess, harder if you believe that's it forever.
 
Soldato
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Under The Desk, Wales
Not an easy time to say the least. I know your pain.

My dear mum passed away quite suddenly / unexpectedly. Then, a year later, my dad passed too.

I was absolutely devastated to say the least. It hit me for 6, big time. I eventually went on antidepressants too.

Time is indeed a good healer. Stay strong for your family. What helped me MASSIVELY, is my faith. I returned to it when my mum passed away. It truly did help.

Concentrate on your family. Your child.

Take care my friend.
 
Soldato
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jesus dude so sorry to hear that and only 62 as well. dont be too hard on yourself thinking you need to 'man up' - that's a load of utter ***** - we all grieve differently. i'm 45 and i know i will be in absolute bits when my parents go, i could cry just thinking about it. i know it's a bit cliched but try and remember life is for the living and i'd be very surprised if your mum would want to 'stop' because she has passed. love her and remember her.

i know it's sometimes easier to talk to strangers so if you need or want to unload a bit just fire me a trust message.
 
Soldato
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Grief is really hard, it sounds like you’ve got a good support network. You’ll go through the stages everyone does, and probably cycle through them, that’s a normal process of healing. It sucks to go through. I’m sorry for your loss.
 
Soldato
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You feel like you've been robbed but unlike a house burglary, you can't replace what has been taken. You need time to grieve, this will happen over the next few months. You won't get over your mum dying, but you'll find it easier to get on with life.

YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME...I feel you have guilt that's eating you away from the insides, but it wasn't your fault. Reach out to your friends again, even a text. Let them know you're still about. It's probably like you said, they don't know what to say. If you reach out to them, they will know you want to talk and it'll be more support for you. I wish you well squire.
 
Soldato
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i know i will be in absolute bits when my parents go, i could cry just thinking about it.

This ^ I almost didn't click on this thread because I don't even want to think about it and actually welled up reading through the comments.

It's been over 4 weeks and i'm stuck, totally stuck, was doing ok until her cremation on Thursday just past, saw her in the coffin prior, said my goodbye, hasn't offered any closure, if anything i'm regressing.

Honestly, what you are experiencing is normal. I've known many many people who are very successful individuals, life and soul of the party and all round great guys who have been absolutely knocked for 6 by the death of a parent and have almost become a shadow of themselves for a good while (months into years). So much so that it reminds me of when you see someone who has had a nervous breakdown. You certainly aren't alone in this.

You're not going to feel better for a while, but you will start to feel better. If you got over it quickly I'd be more worried that you hadn't processed it properly or that you didn't care - both of which aren't nice to think about!

I'm 41, i have a loving wife, a 3, almost 4 year old son who never stops smiling and I feel totally alone. I feel physical pain in my chest all the time, it hurts she's gone, I know i'm not alone, everyone loses parents, I just feel like i'm not being strong enough and need to man the F up. Wifes support has been amazing but know it has a shelf life and expiry date, just scared I won't get through this.

I think you just need to be really really honest with your wife - tell you when you're struggling so you don't shut her out. And whilst alcohol is always going to feature somewhere in this, make sure that it doesn't take over because that is one thing that can make a terrible situation even worse.

Work have furloughed me for time being, basis that my job is being covered, however have niggling anxiety of folks thinking i'm taking the P as not back yet.

I would seriously consider getting back to work - it probably sounds like the last thing you want to do, but it absolutely can't be underestimated how much having something else to concentrate on can help both in the short term and the long term. Also, I honestly can't imagine anyone thinking that you're milking your mothers death to blag an extra couple of weeks sitting at home in lockdown so don't even think that.

Ah yes, there was a point, anyone else who went through the same, when did you start to feel normal again?

Don't put a time limit on this or an expectation of yourself when you should be feeling better, because if you miss this "target" you'll start thinking there's something wrong with you. There is no time limit.

Currently, I'm fortunate enough to not have first hand experience of this, but honestly, if I'm feeling 100% again and absolutely fine about my parents death 10 years after it happens, I'd consider that to be an achievement. Realistically, I would imagine it'll be one of those scars we all pick up throughout life which will always be there, never fully healed, but we will learn to live with it and it will change us and shape us into our future person.
 
Permabanned
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At first I used to feel happy when I hear that someone's parent has died. Took me a while to understand why. It's because I was am happy that someone else knows my pain. When I realised why I was feeling happy it turned around and I just felt sad, because no one should ever feel that pain - it is a truly horrible thing. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better. It literally feels like fate has torn your arm off. A piece of your life has gone, and every day you are aware that it has gone forever. They say it gets better with time, and it really does, but it is a slow process. It takes years not weeks. Just like losing an arm you have to retrain yourself to do things differently. The sooner you do that the better. Make a specific point of doing that, perhaps adding new activities. Don't sit there thinking about it. Sometimes people love to wallow in the mud but it just doesn't help at all. There is nothing you can do about this except realise that you need to make the very most of the times you have with your family, so get up and do that.
 
Associate
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Really sorry to hear about your loss. It does get easier over time to cope with the loss but the void tends to remain in memory. Future events might still bring up the memories of moments you've spent with your Mum. Spend time with your family and dont distance yourself from them. It will help the healing process.
 
Associate
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Sorry for your loss @SixTwoSix I really am I think I have some idea of where you are at. You have probably heard this from many of your friends, even possibly strangers on this forum but grief takes time to heal. I lost my Dad over 10 years ago and it still hurts. I missed him passing away which bothers me (I won't go into it). I had some counselling and at the end of 6 weeks the woman said I think we have only just scratched the surface. But the little I did get on the NHS helped immensely, I poured out a fair bit that was on my mind. 100% give it a go mate NHS or private, if your wallet allows. We are all different people some more emotional than others, we all recover and heal from loss of a relative differently. Has nothing to do about manning up. Losing a parent is a huge thing in my eyes. You will always miss them but find ways to cope, the pain eases though for sure.
 
Soldato
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From my own experience losing my father, time's a great healer. I'd highly recommend you stay awake from the drink though, even if you think it's helping it most definitely isn't. Make sure you continue to have a good support network around you and just immerse yourself in the things that make you happy.
 
Caporegime
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Sorry for your loss.

Whilst I still have both of mine, I’m increasingly aware it’s a matter of rapidly reducing time,especially in my father’s case, he’s fading rapidly, I’m dreading the day.

My condolences and empathy to you & yours.
 
Soldato
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That's quite a thread bump, actually forgotten I posted this a year ago, I was very drunk at the time, IIRC about 3/4 the way through a bottle of rum - still appreciate the kind words and comments in this thread.

To summarise the last year, let's get the obvious out of the way, time is a great healer - however it hasn't really healed a thing, I still have an ache in my chest a lot and it's more coping via distraction, I guess it does get lessened as time goes on so yes, time is a healer.

I do feel colder, bit more hollow and distant than I was prior to her death, I find myself getting less annoyed at trivial things though as ultimately most of it doesn't matter. I'm quite nihilistic as i've posted about in the mental health thread over the years and the death of my mother massively compounded that.

The anniversary of her death on Jan 6th came and went without a great deal of impact, however last Friday on the anniversary of her cremation, I felt a wreck and it's stayed with me the last few days.

Just rambling now so going to cut this short, again thanks for the kind words.
 
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