Grief, bereavement, loss of a parent

[SixTwoSix]

Strange this. Thread bumped exactly one year later by an instantly permabanned member

What was the post?

 

[robfosters]

What was the post?

Didn’t see it, instantly wiped

 

[SixTwoSix]

Didn’t see it, instantly wiped

Ah ok, did seem weird the thread was bumped but first post I saw was from @Benny

 

[Thekwango]

What was the post?

just some girl posting to her youtube channel where she talked about how she has been dealing with grief........actually one of the better spam posts ocuk usually gets.

 

[Ree]

Strange this. Thread bumped exactly one year later by an instantly permabanned member

Yeah she was promoting her Youtube channel about grief.

 

[Janesy B]

Just noticed this was a bump. Never mind.

I haven't lost a parent but haven't spoken to my mother in 5 years for various reasons, to echo the time is a healer comments, grief does get easier to deal with over time. The ball in the box theory is a good one, at first the button is constantly pressed but over time the ball gets smaller and you can deal with every day life again but there's always a small chance of the button being pressed but it'll hurt as much.

 

[SixTwoSix]

just some girl posting to her youtube channel where she talked about how she has been dealing with grief........actually one of the better spam posts ocuk usually gets.

Thanks, curiosity satisfied, would have driven me mad not knowing.

Just noticed this was a bump. Never mind.

I haven't lost a parent but haven't spoken to my mother in 5 years for various reasons, to echo the time is a healer comments, grief does get easier to deal with over time. The ball in the box theory is a good one, at first the button is constantly pressed but over time the ball gets smaller and you can deal with every day life again but there's always a small chance of the button being pressed but it'll hurt as much.

This is fairly accurate, can go quite some time without feeling too bad, then bang, it's back, music is terrible for it. She loved Iron Maiden and Run To The Hills popped on my youtube recommended about 5/6 months ago, left me a blubbering mess.

I also vividly recall the first day I woke up and realised I hadn't thought of my mum the day before, the guilt was unbearable, on reflection, totally normal.

 

[Malevolence]

I fee your pain. Lost my Father on 23 December, still haven't got over it.

 

[mattyg]

I dont think its something you EVER get over.. But you learn to cope with the loss better as time goes on.
I lost my best mate Nearly 17 years ago and I ball my eyes out every year on the anniversary (in fact I have water streaming out of my eyes right now) It was a huge loss, We had worked together. Lived together, We'd talk on the phone whilst on the way to see each other. We were pretty damn close..

He had been a dad for 6 weeks when he had his accident and his daughter is now in college. I'm still close with his Brother and Dad. But the Pain is still there, I just cope a bit better now.

My Parents are getting on now and my Dad is a good mate too so I'm hoping he gets to 115 and I dont have to say goodbye

 

[kinetic747]

The dates in the OP are uncannily like my own experience of losing my mum 27 years ago. She was admitted to hospital on the 3rd January, had her birthday on the 4th and was taken from us on the 7th. Even after all this time, the feeling is still raw, not helped by the fact she was diagnosed with cancer only 3 days before her death. She'd felt ill for a while but not in our wildest dreams did we think she was that sick. I still have the occasional breakdown, usually set off by hearing a favourite record of hers, or some scene in a film where someone is dying. My biggest regret is that my daughter never got to know her, as she was amazing with all her grandchildren.

 

[teenwolf]

Lost my dad too fell asleep at his chair
It’s hard buddy I feel your pain but it’s life and things and people heal and move on

 

[Deluxe1]

I lost both my parents within 10 days of each other just over a year ago and had them both buried together a few weeks later, looking back I'm not sure how I managed to get through that time but you will.

The tears subside but the pain stays with you, sometimes it's hard but you just have to get on with life.

 

[V F]

Thanks, curiosity satisfied, would have driven me mad not knowing.



This is fairly accurate, can go quite some time without feeling too bad, then bang, it's back, music is terrible for it. She loved Iron Maiden and Run To The Hills popped on my youtube recommended about 5/6 months ago, left me a blubbering mess.

I also vividly recall the first day I woke up and realised I hadn't thought of my mum the day before, the guilt was unbearable, on reflection, totally normal.

Funny this thread found me.

Music, taste of food, everything seemed to feel so horrible. Every one of my favourite songs sounded horrible and painful. I've only started to have good meals today even though it's in very small quantities. It even took 4 - 5 nights before I got a somewhat better sleep.

I lost my mother on Wednesday the 2nd there. That I came across another post relating to someone that lost their father. Strange now how the date of my mother's death ends up 2/2/22.

It'll hit hard again on Monday 14th, as the cremation is taking place.


The most painful part yet is all the cards that were sent from relatives and mother's friends. I'm still unable to read them as I have a rough idea what is on them as it hurts too much to read them.

That must have been brutal, as I've just experienced my first death where it hits home. My mother collapsed and died Wednesday night there. Blood clot to the lungs. The longest two days I've ever experienced in life.

Ambulance arrived what appeared 5 minutes after she died. They arrived quite swiftly within 15 minutes but it was all so sudden. They must have spent what appeared like 15 - 20 minutes trying to revive her. There were blips but it wouldn't hold and all the adrenaline was used up from their kits. Once I saw the lady pull out the stethoscope, I knew it was game over and the way she looked at me before telling me. "Sorry."

It hurts even just typing this and with the undertaker here this morning dealing with the forms.


I can only imagine how these ambulance crew must feel everytime they've to try to deal with someone's death that they cannot bring back to life. That must be heavy, as I could see it in her face.

 

[Pez]

Funny this thread found me.

Music, taste of food, everything seemed to feel so horrible. Every one of my favourite songs sounded horrible and painful. I've only started to have good meals today even though it's in very small quantities. It even took 4 - 5 nights before I got a somewhat better sleep.

I lost my mother on Wednesday the 2nd there. That I came across another post relating to someone that lost their father. Strange now how the date of my mother's death ends up 2/2/22.

It'll hit hard again on Monday 14th, as the cremation is taking place.


The most painful part yet is all the cards that were sent from relatives and mother's friends. I'm still unable to read them as I have a rough idea what is on them as it hurts too much to read them.

I’m truly sorry for yours, and everyone else in this threads loss.

I’m a first responder for West Mids Ambulance Service and helping a patient is a huge privilege. But when things don’t work out the way we hope, my feelings aren’t for the deceased, they are free from suffering now and I know we did everything in our gift to help. Instead my thoughts are for the people they left behind, the people who were there when it happened, who watched as their loved ones left.

it is heartbreaking.

We put on a brave face and do what we can to give a little comfort, kind words, cup of tea, a hug where appropriate and then get back into the truck/car - It’s then when it gets you, a usually chatty crew mate joins you in odd silence as you leave the scene.

Nothing else to add, other than my condolences. Please speak to people if you need to, there is nothing worse than silence. I’m more than happy for anyone to reach out if they fancy a chat (in a non-official capacity.

Take care guys.

 

[Blackjack Davy]

I remember when my grandma died we all went through it one way or another the only analogy I can think of is grief is like disappearing down a black hole and you're not sure you're ever going to come out of it it its like a curtain that completely engulfs you and dominates your every thought and even your sleep - literally couldn't even work at the worst point. Can still remember my uncle coming over to sort though belongings etc and starting out jolly and effusive like his is and gradually getting quieter and quieter and we had to leave the room to him and mother - he broke down and bawled his eyeballs out - thats not something you forget in a hurry. We got a phone call later from his wife saying had you done to him he was in a right state when he got home -

mothers nearly 80 now and in poor health not looking forward to that day.

 

[Benny]

That's quite a thread bump, actually forgotten I posted this a year ago, I was very drunk at the time, IIRC about 3/4 the way through a bottle of rum - still appreciate the kind words and comments in this thread.

To summarise the last year, let's get the obvious out of the way, time is a great healer - however it hasn't really healed a thing, I still have an ache in my chest a lot and it's more coping via distraction, I guess it does get lessened as time goes on so yes, time is a healer.

I do feel colder, bit more hollow and distant than I was prior to her death, I find myself getting less annoyed at trivial things though as ultimately most of it doesn't matter. I'm quite nihilistic as i've posted about in the mental health thread over the years and the death of my mother massively compounded that.

The anniversary of her death on Jan 6th came and went without a great deal of impact, however last Friday on the anniversary of her cremation, I felt a wreck and it's stayed with me the last few days.

Just rambling now so going to cut this short, again thanks for the kind words.

Wow I totally didn't see the date on the thread, I'm not a huge poster really and not really at all in this section. Seeing your post was something that resonated with me which was why I posted a reply. Apologies if it provoked any unwanted memories as this time.

 

[SixTwoSix]

@Benny it's all good, it's cathartic to talk about it rather than bottle it up like I generally do.

This thread has certainly highlighted how many losses regular posters here have suffered, names I recognise from my many years on this forum. I just had a drunken meltdown on the day I made this post and made a thread for a bit of a rant/internal scream. This forum is a great outlet though, i've often talked about issues here I don't discuss with my closest of friends.

 

[DataVampire]

Well, i feel the pain of many people in this thread. my father passed away in July last year, to terminal cancer. he was having treatment to stay it off so he could live longer, but covid put pay to that, and around a month after his treatment was canceled he very rapidly declined. because of covid i could not see any of my parents. i didn't want to risk giving them coivd ect ect. the only time i saw my parents in real life was when i got that dreaded call."you better come over and say goodbye"

The hardest thing i have ever had to do.

I am very angry about it, The whole covid situation. missed 2 years of my parent's life because of it. only for him to pass anyway.

I don't think the heartache will ever go, i don't think the guilt will ever go.

Not a day goes by i don't think about him.
Christmas was so hard. cards ect i normally get of my parents.," with love from mum and dad" just said "mum" i cried just opening it.
I am still very sad. when i smile or laugh i feel guilty.

I have txt messages on my phone ect from my dad i cannot even bare to delete. i even re read them.

 

[sandy27]

Lost my Dad in 2015, his second stroke was fatal

Mum was diagnosed with dementia in 2018 and is now in a nursing home - she no longer recognises either me or my brother and is declining each weekend we visit. We will, in theory, have lost her twice when she passes away.

Rather than focus on what I lost, I focus on how fortunate I've been to have had two very loving parents and was brought up in a wonderful family environment. Many others aren't that lucky.

Be strong.

 

[V F]

Lost my Dad in 2015, his second stroke was fatal

Mum was diagnosed with dementia in 2018 and is now in a nursing home - she no longer recognises either me or my brother and is declining each weekend we visit. We will, in theory, have lost her twice when she passes away.

Rather than focus on what I lost, I focus on how fortunate I've been to have had two very loving parents and was brought up in a wonderful family environment. Many others aren't that lucky.

Be strong.

Even reading that brings tears to my eyes.