It's Friday, where's the joke thread?

beefkeef · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:41

Haha Darth Vader one is a good

alx · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:43

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.
He asks the bartender what happened to the man.
The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."
"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."
Unfortunately, the man replied "How about a little head?"

Greebo · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:46

Said to my missus "hey, fat **** what do you want for your birthday?"

She said "don't get ******* lippy"

I said " what about mascarra then?"

Greebo · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:49

My wife asked me if she pleased me in bed?

I said "yes. I love that trick you do with your mouth"

"What trick?" she asks.

"The one where you shut it amd go to sleep"

rG-tom · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:54

TommyV said:
Girl walks into a bar;

Bloke across the bar says 'You're going to get laid tonight!'
She laughs and replies 'How do you know that?'
He replies 'Because I'm stronger than you'

Cosimo · 18 Feb 2011 at 12:58

A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guinness, two halves of stout and a double Whiskey.

"Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food."

How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender.

Vincent Van Gogh was standing at the corner of the bar in his local pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in.

"Fancy a Whiskey, Van Goghy?" called out Rembrandt.

Where is that door.

"No, its okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one ear."

gillywibble · 18 Feb 2011 at 13:44

Liked the OP

Glaucus · 18 Feb 2011 at 13:44

PhillyDee said:
Not up here it isn't! I was honestly surprised as well.

must have had wrong sign on it.

http://www.sainsburys.co.uk/groceries/index.jsp?bmUID=1298036576664

TommyV · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:04

I don't understnad OPs joke

Theophany · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:10

TommyV said:
I don't understnad OPs joke

They need milk.
If they have eggs, get a dozen.

Normal person thinks get milk and a dozen eggs.
If it were written as code, it would mean to literally get a dozen milks (sic) because the store has eggs.

Programmer thinks in the same way he codes is the joke, so it's a play on words. Though explaining it really ruins the fun of it

Morbius · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:13

TommyV said:
I don't understnad OPs joke

Code:

if (shop.has(eggs) = true)
{
shop.buy(milk, 12);
}
else
{
shop.buy(milk,1);
}

Shayper · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:13

Some quality jokes here, I'm getting some odd looks on the bus

Snooble · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:14

Best written joke:

Blind man and his guide dog walk into a pub.

The barman sees out the corner of his eye the blind man pick up his dog by the lead, hurl him around his shoulder, and start SWINGING the dog around above his head.

Barman quickly rushes over shouting for the blind man to put the poor dog down.

"What do you think you're doing!??!? You can't do that to the poor dog!"

Blind man replied..

"Was just having a look around."

Shayper · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:15

Oh and um...

What's White and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Anyone seen my coat?

Twentyone · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:32

TommyV said:
Girl walks into a bar;

Bloke across the bar says 'You're going to get laid tonight!'
She laughs and replies 'How do you know that?'
He replies 'Because I'm stronger than you'

Great.

Cosimo · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:57

A boy turns up at school with his cat in his bag. His teacher asks him, "Tommy what’s your cat doing in school today?"

Tommy answers, "I heard the postman telling my mummy that when your kids are at school I’m going to eat your pussy!"

Shayper · 18 Feb 2011 at 14:58

simulatorman said:
A boy turns up at school with his cat in his bag. His teacher asks him, "Tommy what’s your cat doing in school today?"

Tommy answers, "I heard the postman telling my mummy that when your kids are at school I’m going to eat your pussy!"

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Twentyone · 18 Feb 2011 at 15:04

Hehe

Best one yet

Bes · 18 Feb 2011 at 16:06

simulatorman said:
A boy turns up at school with his cat in his bag. His teacher asks him, "Tommy what’s your cat doing in school today?"

Tommy answers, "I heard the postman telling my mummy that when your kids are at school I’m going to eat your pussy!"

Brilliant

[TW]Sponge · 18 Feb 2011 at 16:19

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"