joke

Hamster

Hamster

Hamster

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Joined
25 Oct 2002
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blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there fora while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"No.Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
 
I pulled a woman down the pub last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

So we went back to hers.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:





" Mum you still awake ?"
 
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the
more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays
the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good grief! It wasn't that creased in the shop".


His funeral is this Thursday.
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Phil! How ya doin?
"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Phil. "He's on my rugby team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Phil if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Rugby team, honey. i sometimes train them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Phil and says "Hi Philly, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Phils wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Phil follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil !"
 
Barrymore was asked if he would consider doing panto this year. He replied that he didn't think so as he did Aladdin 4 years ago and he hasn't heard the last of it since...
 
Hehe!
Another oldie...

A dwarf with a lisp goes in to a stud farm, he says "I'd like to buy a horth" to the owner.

"What sort of horse?" replies the owner

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him his mare

"Nithe horth" says the Dawrf "can I thee her eyeth?" - so the owner picks him up to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeths" says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks him up to show him the mare's teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting fed up, but again picks up the dwarf so he can see the horses ears.

"Nithe eerths, now can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks up the dwarf by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses virgina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says "perhaps I should weefwaze that.....can I see her wun awound?"
 
:D On the subject of blondes:

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
 
bloke's wife goes missing whilst diving off the Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of edible crabs in and around her wet suit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks mate. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!.... you fancy comin' with us?"
 
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