Kind of relationship thread, just needed to type

badgermonkey · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:16

Ok, sorry about this, but I need to open aup about this even to get it straight in my head, and where better than a forum where nobody knows me in RL, I can get some non-biased opinions and nothing will come back to haunt me.

So, about a year ago I broke up with a girlfriend. The breakup was hard on both of us, I loved her very much, but we never saw each other, and wed been going out for a couple of years, so we decided to stop and have a break from each other for a time.

After a rocky month or so where we didn't really talk, we've met up fairly regularly once-a-week kind of basis for a couple of drinks and to chat. Every so often the topic of 'us' came up, and we both assumed in the future we were going to end up getting back together. We both had the odd boyfriend or girlfriend, been quite happy about it with each other. Since I broke up with her however, I have not fallen out of love, I have just fallen more in love with her.

She's been with her current boyfriend since just before Christmas, they only met in Novmber. Now I get to the point that I feel I need to talk to her, tell her how I feel and that I really want to be with her. It honestly does hurt me when I'm not with her, and whenever I see her it's like nothing else in the world exists, just the 2 of us. I finally decide that although she's still with this guy, I need to tell her.

Before I get round to it, she drops this bomb on me - they're engaged. They've been together for about a month and a half, and only known each other for 2-3 months, and then this. Taking it on the chin, we talked about it, and she really doesnt seem to be in love with him, with very non-committal sentences when she talks about him. Seems to me like he proposed, and her being a girl, fell into the "Oh wow" kind of thing and said yes.

That was yesterday, I met up with her again today, and it felt like a huge hole was in me just looking at her. I know she's happy with him at the moment, whether they end up actually going through with a marriage or calling it off long before then, but with Valentines Day coming up there's nobody right now other than her that I want to be with.

I don't feel I can just sit back and see how they go, putting my feelings to the side for the timebeing, and looking at it purely as a friend, she is way to fast into this, and I think the guy is merely being pushy, as he knows about the situation between me and her, and doesn't like it. Looking at it with my feelings on display, I can't even begin to let this happen. I want to intervene, and I feel that whatever anyone says won't stop me intervening.

But with it being Valentine's Day, this is either the perfect time to step in, or the absolute worst. I didn't say too much to her today, she knows how wI feel about it, and her, but didn't comment, looked a little upset, and then I had to go, because I didn't want to do or say anything innapropriate. I wanted to say everything, to fully reveal what I feel, but I know it's not my place to say anything to her to stop this, but I feel as if I need to. I don't know.

I've rambled for a while, and it's not really any clearer in my mind over whether I'm doing the right thing.

Surfer · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:23

Fair heart never won fair lady.

women still want you to WIN them, fight for them etc...

This is your que(sp?) to get your act in gear and fight for her

Seriously dude (your situation is a little bit like i was in...)

I mean dude whats the worst that can happen? She'll say no.

But i tell you this. YOU MUST SHOW you are balls out commited to her and love her 100% Basically what this means is you gotta go through hell so she can see you "really" love her etc. How you plan to do that is up to you.

gl. keep us updated.

p.s. what does it mean if one is still not getting over an ex after a year? e.g. still thinking about them

fastwunz · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:28

hmmmmmm i would be careful of this one mate - if she is that quick to jump into a marriage then i would seriously consider her ethics generally.

If she hadnt been stringing you along to some extent then i dont think she would ahve agreed to marry this bloke and been perfecetly happy to make you very much aware of it. Also, her relationship with you is entirely unhealthy given her new situation with this new guy and the quicker you tell her how you feel the sooner this mess will all be over and done with.

Personally - sounds to me like she is taking all she can get and doing rather well out of it, whilst two blokes are clearly desperate to be with her - dont be played for a fool by this girl - no woman is worth that - ever.

yer_averagejoe · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:37

sounds like the most appropriate time to do something massive, to show you love her. i feel for you, it sounds like a bad situation and you sound genuin when you say you love her. a good approah might be to say exactly what you've said here. I've been in a situation where a girl cheated on me and all i wanted for her to do was to make it better, she said she'd do something to make me know she loved me, that she'd make it all ok. she didn't - and I let her go. dont let her let you go.

badgermonkey · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:39

fastwunz said:
hmmmmmm i would be careful of this one mate - if she is that quick to jump into a marriage then i would seriously consider her ethics generally.

If she hadnt been stringing you along to some extent then i dont think she would ahve agreed to marry this bloke and been perfecetly happy to make you very much aware of it. Also, her relationship with you is entirely unhealthy given her new situation with this new guy and the quicker you tell her how you feel the sooner this mess will all be over and done with.

Personally - sounds to me like she is taking all she can get and doing rather well out of it, whilst two blokes are clearly desperate to be with her - dont be played for a fool by this girl - no woman is worth that - ever.

Having known her for about 6 years, I know that she's not like this. I appreciate your opinion, unfortunately I have to disagree that you may have it wrong, not because I don't like what you said, but because it's just not the sort of person she is.

@ Other 2 replies so far: You're the first people to actually recommend I do something about this. I spoke briefly to the only 2 mates I can talk to about this and they both advised me against it. What you've said is definately what I WANT to do though.

jakeke · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:42

Go for it, full effort, everything. If she says no, you really need to move on (I think you need to understand why too!)

Nitefly · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:45

I don't think you need to show any 'massive display of love', as what has been suggested.

Go for the Wedding Crashes approach (although not literally) "I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry him". A wave of 'love' might seem a bit immature, just show you still care and that you have feelings.

There is also a rule. A rule which should never be broken. Never, ever, ever, act pathetic. Imagine all the pathetic people who post their *sniff/sob its so unfair* stories on the internet. Do you really want to be seen as one of those to her? Imagine if a girl was very emotional and clingy. They are instantly less attractive than those who go out have fun and generally live for the moment.

Don't be pathetic.

Best of luck

Deleted member 651465 · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:48

If she's jumped in and committed with this guy, and she isn't in love with him then you can bet she'll see the error of her ways soon enough.

Don't pressure her, that'll just push her away.

Ask her if shes truly happy.. if the answer is an unresounding "yes", then cut your losses and move on as friends.

The more you "go after her" the more of a mistake your making.

badgermonkey · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:49

Nitefly said:
There is also a rule. A rule which should never be broken. Never, ever, ever, act pathetic. Imagine all the pathetic people who post their *sniff/sob its so unfair* stories on the internet. Do you really want to be seen as one of those to her? Imagine if a girl was very emotional and clingy. They are instantly less attractive than those who go out have fun and generally live for the moment.

Don't be pathetic.

Actually this is good advice.

Anyway, am off out for a while, so I'll check back when I get back.

ugatennis08 · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:50

just find an upgrade I say.

Surfer · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:50

Yep agreed, it will help him move on imo if he makes a supreme effort and she says no. If he doesnt he'll spend more time thinking "if only"....and will never really know straight from her (in person) how she feels. (has to be in person i cant emphasise that enough)

Ask her if shes truly happy.. if the answer is an unresounding "yes", then cut your losses and move on as friends.
The more you "go after her" the more of a mistake your making.

Completely disagree. Because sometimes when a woman says "yeah im happy" or " no im not bothered" or "im fine" etc

She doesnt mean that at all. Just asking her if shes happy is taking the logical route and women arent logical. I think that if the OP feels in his heart that she is "the one" (

) then yeah he should go for it. And that means being passionate about it (ie HER) : not remaining detached and objective about it.

Showing feelings and being passionate about someone is a world apart from being pathetic. But then does the OP's instincts tell him that she feels the same for him?

FEEL , DONT THINK : as an old jedi master used to say

XPE · 1 Feb 2008 at 14:58

Move on and let her make her own mistakes.

Squink · 1 Feb 2008 at 15:14

badgermonkey said:
The breakup was hard on both of us, I loved her very much, but we never saw each other

You've not actually explained how it would be different this time should you happen to get back together. While I very much agree with Surfer's comment that you'll be plagued by "if only" for possibly the rest of your life if you don't do something, you maybe need to have a plan as to how it'll work this time, when previously it didn't. Maybe it's something you should tell her.

EDIT - and while there's neither irony nor comedy here, this thread is an interesting counterpart to the other threads I've seen recently where current girlfriends still meet their ex on a regular basis and the current partner reveals their fears of what might come of it.

badgermonkey · 1 Feb 2008 at 15:19

mulpsmebeauty said:
You've not actually explained how it would be different this time should you happen to get back together. While I very much agree with Surfer's comment that you'll be plagued by "if only" for possibly the rest of your life if you don't do something, you maybe need to have a plan as to how it'll work this time, when previously it didn't. Maybe it's something you should tell her.

EDIT - and while there's neither irony nor comedy here, this thread is an interesting counterpart to the other threads I've seen recently where current girlfriends still meet their ex on a regular basis and the current partner reveals their fears of what might come of it.

Ah yes I missed that. Well we're actually at the same uni now, and can both drive. So seeing each other is no longer a problem.

cleanbluesky · 1 Feb 2008 at 15:23

badgermonkey said:
It honestly does hurt me when I'm not with her, and whenever I see her it's like nothing else in the world exists, just the 2 of us.

And moonbeams, and fairies and kittens!

That was yesterday, I met up with her again today, and it felt like a huge hole was in me just looking at her. I know she's happy with him at the moment, whether they end up actually going through with a marriage or calling it off long before then, but with Valentines Day coming up there's nobody right now other than her that I want to be with.

I don't feel I can just sit back and see how they go, putting my feelings to the side for the timebeing, and looking at it purely as a friend, she is way to fast into this, and I think the guy is merely being pushy, as he knows about the situation between me and her, and doesn't like it. Looking at it with my feelings on display, I can't even begin to let this happen. I want to intervene, and I feel that whatever anyone says won't stop me intervening.

But with it being Valentine's Day, this is either the perfect time to step in, or the absolute worst. I didn't say too much to her today, she knows how wI feel about it, and her, but didn't comment, looked a little upset, and then I had to go, because I didn't want to do or say anything innapropriate. I wanted to say everything, to fully reveal what I feel, but I know it's not my place to say anything to her to stop this, but I feel as if I need to. I don't know.

I've rambled for a while, and it's not really any clearer in my mind over whether I'm doing the right thing.

Stop indulging this. You weren't too interested in her when she was single but now that someone else has stepped in and is sure that they want her, you SIMPLY MUST HAVE HER! It's jealousy, and its not good to persue someone from jealousy alone.

If he marries her, then he deserves it - at least he had the balls to be sure of what he wanted and go for it rather than being a wallflower and complain that someone else is getting something you might have wanted

Surfer · 1 Feb 2008 at 15:23

ohhh yeah small detail this but...

Why did you break-up?

Like mulpsmebeauty (mouthful that

) has said; thats kinda important considering you want to get back together.

Secondly do you want to marry her? Spend the rest of your life together? Can you imagine it?

badgermonkey · 1 Feb 2008 at 16:05

cleanbluesky said:
And moonbeams, and fairies and kittens!

Normally I'd join you in mocking the emos cbs, but in this instance I will avoid speaking further on this because it would be considered a 'personal attack'. However I was trying to make a point of how I feel, which isn't an easy thing to put into words. You don't know me oh so well, so don't bother.

Stop indulging this. You weren't too interested in her when she was single but now that someone else has stepped in and is sure that they want her, you SIMPLY MUST HAVE HER! It's jealousy, and its not good to persue someone from jealousy alone.

If he marries her, then he deserves it - at least he had the balls to be sure of what he wanted and go for it rather than being a wallflower and complain that someone else is getting something you might have wanted

Actually no. We split up simply because we couldn't spend any time together. Now we are able to, and a relationship could actually be something other than MSN, texts, and occasionally being able to see each other, THAT'S why I was after doing something about it now. As I said, we're actually able to see each other now, so the reason we split up becomes a moot point.

I am fully aware of what jealousy is, and yes, of course I'm jealous, but that's not what has 'caused' my interest. Before jumping to ridiculous conclusions about someone that involves kknowledge of them and their personalities, make sure you actually know them. As I said, I typed because I needed to try and order it in my head, I clicked 'post' because ocuk normally has some good replies, mixed in amongst bad replies. Yours was not a helpful response. Yours was an agressive one that wasn't particularly necessary. You're posts are normally well thought out, but I haven't been around much recently, did you turn into a **** within that time?

Nix · 1 Feb 2008 at 16:45

badgermonkey said:
I am fully aware of what jealousy is, and yes, of course I'm jealous, but that's not what has 'caused' my interest. Before jumping to ridiculous conclusions about someone that involves kknowledge of them and their personalities, make sure you actually know them. As I said, I typed because I needed to try and order it in my head, I clicked 'post' because ocuk normally has some good replies, mixed in amongst bad replies. Yours was not a helpful response. Yours was an agressive one that wasn't particularly necessary. You're posts are normally well thought out, but I haven't been around much recently, did you turn into a **** within that time?

You asked for non-bias. You got it.

I know it must hurt mate, but there's nothing you can do. Talk to her, see if she's actually happy if you must, but I really don't think there's any chance for you anymore. CBS seems to be on the money... again.

carbon8ed · 1 Feb 2008 at 17:33

Surfer said:
Fair heart never won fair lady.

women still want you to WIN them, fight for them etc...

This is your que(sp?) to get your act in gear and fight for her Seriously dude (your situation is a little bit like i was in...)

I mean dude whats the worst that can happen? She'll say no.

But i tell you this. YOU MUST SHOW you are balls out commited to her and love her 100% Basically what this means is you gotta go through hell so she can see you "really" love her etc. How you plan to do that is up to you.

gl. keep us updated.quote]

nuff said. Tell her all - it might be exactly what she wants to hear and it would allow her a respectable reconsideration of her 'engagement'. TBH the engagement so quick sounds like her current bf wants a 'security' or 'reassurance' that this girl is his - she wears his ring kind of thing.

Don't go soppy and don't wait for Valentine - it's a commercial load of rubbish and she may read it as 'for old times sake and it would lose the importance of your real message.

Tell her and tell her now!

Best of luck

233 · 1 Feb 2008 at 17:36

be alpha about it

bludgeon the boyfriend to death with a bar stool and win her affections with my manliness

Kind of relationship thread, just needed to type

Deleted member 651465

Deleted member 651465