Let's hear some funny jokes!

A Geordie Farmer is trekking around his fields one day checking hedges, fences and gates, making sure they are secure so he can do some muck spreading. When in the corner of his eye, a sheep catches his attention, its a black skinned sheep with white wool. Now it caught the corner of his eye as it was shaved irregularly, it was trimmed in the fashion of vertical stripes... the farmer wanders over scratching his head, and when he gets to the poor animal, he asks it "wy ey poor sheep, who's done this to you ay?" As much to the farmers surprise the sheep looks up and bleets..

"SHHEEERRAAARRR"
 
Too soon! As they say on Fark, window seat please.

edit: Oh, the joke went. This isn't going to make much sense then.
 
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a man sees a blonde across a river
he shouts over " how do i get to the other side"
the blonde replies " you are on the other side"
 
Haircut said:
Q: What do you call a man who delivers papier-mache to nuns?
A: Hanover VII!

Q: Why did the giraffe choke on a hat?
A: He thought it was a nut!

Q: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?
A: Go west, my son!
Click to expand...

Monkeypants... is that you?
 
marc2003 said:
please don't ever post in a jokes thread again. i'm begging you..... :D
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Sorry Marc :D


Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ,3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch , my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name
is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around"!!!
 
1)
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

wife says to husband "if you helped around the house we could get rid of the maid,"
he says "if you took it up the arse we could get rid of the dog."


2)
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy."
 
naz said:
1)
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

wife says to husband "if you helped around the house we could get rid of the maid,"
he says "if you took it up the arse we could get rid of the dog."


2)
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy."
Click to expand...

What does number 1 have to do with winning the lottery??? They wouldn't want to get rid of the maid with loads of money. Crap joke but the punchline is OK.
 
markyp23 said:
What does number 1 have to do with winning the lottery??? They wouldn't want to get rid of the maid with loads of money. Crap joke but the punchline is OK.
Click to expand...


I think those are two separate jokes...

"wife says to husband "if you helped around the house we could get rid of the maid,"
he says "if you took it up the arse we could get rid of the dog."


That is a joke on it's own, the first one just has a terrible punchline :p
 
A man walks into a newsagent's and asks "do you have any helicopter flavour crisps?"

Newsagent replies "no, we only sell plain."
 
refuzion said:
A man walks into a newsagent's and asks "do you have any helicopter flavour crisps?"

Newsagent replies "no, we only sell plain."
Click to expand...

best one so far
 
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