Let's hear some funny jokes!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When
they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and
listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."



I was lying in bed last night looking at the stars and the moon and the beautiful midnight sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is my roof?



This girl called me the other day and said "come on over, nobodys home" I went over, nobody was home.
 
what did the policemen say to his stomach?

You are under a vest


HAHAROFLLMAO
lol

........................

What do you call lots of bla... better not lol.
 
So, Paul McCartney is doing a interview after his messy divorce. The reporter asks:
"So do you think you'll be going down on one knee again?"
"I prefer to call her Heather."
 
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. His father reluctantly agrees. The next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, "so what were you watching?" Billy says, "Wimbledon."
 
Paddys brummie girlfriend turns around to him one day and says "why have you got L & R on your boots"? Paddy replies "so i know which way they go on"! Ah she says "i always wondered what the C & A label was in my thong!"
 
matthew_o50 said:
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. His father reluctantly agrees. The next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, "so what were you watching?" Billy says, "Wimbledon."
Click to expand...

Good effort at a pun, but sadly it falls foul of the fact that there's no such score.
 
JAMAL said:
Paddys brummie girlfriend turns around to him one day and says "why have you got L & R on your boots"? Paddy replies "so i know which way they go on"! Ah she says "i always wondered what the C & A label was in my thong!"
Click to expand...

Bwahahahaha.
 
I went to see the nurse this morning for my
annual check-up, She said I have to stop I said 'Why?' She said, 'Because I'm
trying to examine you'

DONT SWEAR

Dangerous.
 
Why did the lion keep getting lost?

Because the Jungle is massive.


How many Emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They all just sit in the dark and cry.


What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.
 
Last edited:
You should all be banned, I am ashamed of your attempts!!:p

---------------

A man walks in with a sheep and looks at his wife, he says "this is the gorilla I have been sleeping with".

His wife says "Hun that's a sheep"

He says "I know, I was talking about you!".


----------------

I know, I know! I should be a comedian!!
 
The kids are learning about WW2 & the teacher tells all the kids in class to ask their grandad if he's got any wartime stuff such as medals etc.that they can bring in to school to put on display.
Little Johnny ask his grandad what he's got, Hmmmmm now let me see he says,
I think I've got my old army greatcoat somewhere - let me think where it is -
Ah - I just remembered its in the loft covering the tank.

GRANDAD! you've actually got a TANK!! :D
 
lakebodom60 said:
...the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

... the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Click to expand...

Nice! :D

A weary travelling man has been walking through the tibetan foothills all day. Tired and exhausted, he is desperate for a place to spend the night. He rounds a rocky edge and there, on high, is a beautiful monastery.

Betting the monks will be charitable, he heads for the large wooden door and knocks. A small wrinkled monk answers the door and, upon hearing the traveller's story, allows him inside.

"I shall show you to your room where you can sleep for the night." Says the monk, "however, i have just one ground rule."
"What is that?" Asks the man curiously.
"My daughter sleeps in the room above," explains the monk, "she is virginal and easily led, you must promise not to sleep with her while you are here. For if you do, you will need to redeem yourself by way of the 'three deadly trials'."

The traveller quickly agrees, knowing he would be far too tired anyway.

That night, the traveller is awoken by the most beautiful singing voice he has ever heard. Curious, he leaves his confines and makes his way upstairs. Sure enough, in the room above, the monk's daughter is beautiful, brushing her silky dark hair and singing euphoric melodies. It's all too much for the traveller, and he and the girl spend the night in passion.

That morning, the man awakens from a deep and satisfying sleep. The girl is gone, and a large rock is balanced on his crotch. Chalked on the rock is a message which reads: 'Trial #1. Rock on Crotch'.

Although uncomfortable, it hardly seems deadly and the traveller levers it off and carries it to the window deciding to dispose of the evidence. Dropping it out of the window he notices another note inscribed on the wall. It reads: 'Trial #2. Rock Tied to right testicle'.

The man screams and looks down to see a thin thread quickly unravelling. Panicking, he leans out of the window. It is not far to the ground, and he decides it is preferable to break a few bones than to part with his manhood.

He jumps out of the window and braces for impact. As he nears the ground he sees the final note scrawled in huge letters on the patio below:


Trial #3. Left testicle tied to bedpost.
 
Last edited:
A man goes to the docs & says he's having trouble with his sex life.
How often do you have sex ? asks the doc
well, says the man, I have sex twice before I go to work & then sex three times with my secretary & then during lunch I have sex with the local barmaid a couple of times & then its back to the office & I have sex three times with the receptionist & then back home I have sex three or four times with the wife

GOOD GRIEF ! says the doc - you call that having trouble? whats the problem?







man- it hurts when I **** :D

No swearing
 
All Tommy Cooper gags:

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my
backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several
places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

24. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog

up
and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No
thanks,'
says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

25. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and

go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in

26. "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library.
I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

27. "I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

28. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

29. "I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and
he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second
time and said "You've been promoted again.
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And
I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
 
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So,he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has does 'the business', brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they areall still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take,and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, tries with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drivethem out to the woods. He spends all day sh*gging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look atthe sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep arelaying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom