monday night joke

Reality|Bites

Reality|Bites

Reality|Bites

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5 Apr 2006
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Sean and Pat fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money;
>> > >between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 >> > pence.
>> > >
>> > >Pat said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door
>> > >to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
>> > >
>> > >Sean said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money
>> > >left at all." Pat replied "Don't worry -- just follow me."
>> > >
>> > >He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
>> > >pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Sean said >> > "Now
>> > >you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We >> > haven't
>> > >got any money!!'
>> > >
>> > >Pat replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" >> > They
>> > >downed their drinks.
>> > >
>> > >Pat said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go >> > on
>> > >your knees and put it in your mouth."
>> > >
>> > >Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk
>> > >and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting >> > more
>> > and
>> > >more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Sean said "Pat - I don't
>> >think
>> > >I can do any more o'this. I'm stone drunk and me knees are killin'
>> >me!"
>> > >
>> > >Pat said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage back in the
>> > >third pub."
 
A blonde phones up her boyfriend and says, "Can you come round my place and help me out please! I've got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it meant to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go round and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle, which is spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
 
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mom and Dad's for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.





She replies, "No."





Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"





His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."





Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"





His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."





After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"





His Mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"





His Mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"





He says, "Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
 
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
And bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
And yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,







But the last time I shlept with a scouser, The bitch stole ma wallet !"
 
Danm54 said:
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
And bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
And yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,







But the last time I shlept with a scouser, The bitch stole ma wallet !"
Click to expand...

Thats a good one! GD comes up trumps at last!
 
simulatorman said:
A blonde phones up her boyfriend and says, "Can you come round my place and help me out please! I've got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it meant to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go round and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle, which is spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
Click to expand...

Really old joke, regurgitated as a Beckham joke 10 years ago, and finally finds it's resting place here.
R.I.P.
 
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