Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the UK, and today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (TM)*, one that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out, I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it.
(Note : I had to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from suing me.)
Ingredients:
*One cow*
(a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in suspect cuisine)
*One pig*
(with a similar outlook on life to the cow)
A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol
Utensils :
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns
Directions:
Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber. Feed the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half. Pigs will eat anything, but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all in quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one. Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones, brains and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts. Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next visit Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double Cheesburgers.
Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After an hour it should start to resemble spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that feeling of faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable! So Add the moisturiser until it is.
And there you have it!
In my next recipe, Copious Barfon will be showing you how to make a cheap capucino from mud, flem and flaked weasels droppings. Till then, happy eating!
(Note : I had to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from suing me.)
Ingredients:
*One cow*
(a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in suspect cuisine)
*One pig*
(with a similar outlook on life to the cow)
A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol
Utensils :
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns
Directions:
Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber. Feed the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half. Pigs will eat anything, but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all in quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one. Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones, brains and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts. Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next visit Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double Cheesburgers.
Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After an hour it should start to resemble spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that feeling of faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable! So Add the moisturiser until it is.
And there you have it!
In my next recipe, Copious Barfon will be showing you how to make a cheap capucino from mud, flem and flaked weasels droppings. Till then, happy eating!
